Dear God,

This year (2013) has been the worst year in terms of emergencies, stress, and problems.  I really pray that this does not continue onto the new 2014 year.  I'm so tired, and even Chris told me he is starting to get stressed seeing me so stressed.  Please God, please make 2014 smoother.  With Golda she is very fragile but please help me to discern my boundaries, not blame myself, and be there for her in a healthy way.  Please help her to become more independent and find other help not just me.

God, please help me to heal from the past year's pain and hurt.  I really also want my relationship with Chris to be happy, even though he is going away for 3 months for work.  Please help me to say yes when I should say yes, say no when I should say no.  Help me to emotionally detach myself from drama when it arises (but hopefully they don't arise), and help my friends to stop causing drama.

Help me to grow spiritually please Lord, I want to grow closer to  you.  Help me to stay calm and grounded, and live a life that uses every minute the way you want me to, so that I am doing something meaningful, restful, or long lasting.  Give me wisdom to live my life please.

Thanks for listening to my prayer

Martine

Dedicated to my friends who passed away this year...

People say, "Leave your problems in the past." Well, where is the past? Is it some nether world between time and eternity? No. The past is in us. The only way we can leave the pain or sin from our past is to face it with Christ. For the past cannot be forgotten, it can only be forgiven and redeemed.

Francis Frangipane

Fragile

Can't believe I was crying because somebody let me down by not completing making a flyer.  I'm so fragile... how can I be stronger?

Latest update on my love life

I had a bit of a down today when Julie Cho invited me to my old church's christmas play.  I felt down because I really do miss them but it seems like none of them miss me.  But I dont know if Julie invited me cuz she was just randomly clicking ppl on facebook or if she really wanted me there.  In any case, if I go there I might get emotional and so Golda suggested I don't go.  Plus I am busy that day anyways.

A difficult call with Stan also triggered my anger and frustration and after that, I went a little downhill thinking bad stuff and giving myself negative reality checks.  I texted Chris Ko and he came early to pick me up from school even though class didn't end yet.  I wasn't concentrating anyway so I left class early to talk to him.  I cried a little in class but I didn't cry in front of Chris.  He was just so comforting.  He told me he did think it through with moving to Montreal in the future, his company has offices in Montreal.  He told me he loved me and he wished he met me sooner.

We listened to salvation army christmas music, talked, and just sat around in the car.  He was very soft, gentle, comforting, and made me happy.

Official, but not super official

Yesterday, Sunday December 1st, 2013, Chris Ko and I went on our first official first date.  We went to church together (all day, both churches, he didn't feel like it was too much), then went to P-mall to walk around, then ate at City Hollywood Cafe near Pmall, and then went to Unionville to walk around and look at Christmas lights.

I'm starting to feel much more comfortable around him, my doubts are gone, it feels right, and I am thankful for him.  I don't mind that he is not good looking in the world's standards, to me, he is cute and handsome.  I don't mind that he is not a "strong" Christian, just his willingness to learn and come to church is good enough for me.  He is not doing anything wrong to me anyways.

We decided to make it Dec. 1st, easy to remember, as our day to celebrate future anniversaries.  Our parents don't know yet, neither does my sister, but my close friends know, including you guys reading here.  (sorry that I could not tell you in person first!  I was so busy with everything)

What I like about Chris Ko is that he is so calm, flexible, easygoing, generous, kind, helpful, and a good listener.  He is gentle, quiet but not too quiet, introverted (but not antisocial), and drives well.  Yes, he is a race car driver... but he doesn't race on the streets.

My life is happy right now.  I finished all my essays and just have one more class tomorrow.  Then I can start doing more work for my two church jobs (gotta catch up on the work) and meet up with friends like you!

Update

It happened pretty fast... he confessed his love last Sunday, and I told him I didn't want to date yet, but actions spoke louder than words, I started acting like a girlfriend around him and today we established that we are dating officially as of today.  I wish I had time to introduce him to cell group first and have them grill him first but Golda already grilled him and lifegroup already knows him and some of them were telling me that he and I are good together... so yeah, I went ahead, knowing that he wasn't a strong Christian, but hey, he gave me a lot of care and attention, and showed himself to be a great person throughout all the tough times that lifegroup had over the past few weeks.  So I accepted.

You probably can sense some hesitation.  And yes I do have a bit of hesitation.  It's hard to believe Chris Ko actually doesn't mind that I want to go to Montreal and be a missionary.  Does he really know what he's getting into?  He is open to learning more about Christianity but he still needs time to figure out what the differences are between Protestant and Catholic.  Ideally I should have waited until he figured that out before dating him.  But we already started.  It's hard to stop once both parties know they like each other.  Am I settling for less? Maybe.  But compared to all the other boyfriends I had in the past, he is so much better.  He isn't exactly good looking or hot or whatever but I do have feelings for him.  And no he cannot read this... I am not ready to share my blog with him yet.

I have two more days of school and then I have more time to hang out and talk with my friends about it.  It should have happened the other way around but it's too late now.  At first I had a lot of doubts but now that I'm with him I feel very comfortable and he calms me down so much that I have no room left for fear.  Golda told me to just have faith and trust.  Not to doubt.  Because God can do something great if I just believe.  I do feel peace about it, not like with Christos.  Oh by the way, I blocked Christos, he was getting annoying.  I cannot keep him as a friend anymore.

I finished one essay, two more essays to go...

So... Chris Ko confessed that he liked me.  And I told him I like him back, but, he needs to consider what he is getting into.  The missionary life mainly... right now he doesn't even know the difference between Protestant and Catholic... don't get me wrong, I am not looking down upon him because of this, I accept him as he is, but if he is going to date me, I need him to know what basically makes up 100 percent of my lifestyle.

Did I make the wrong decision by telling him I like him?  I mean, we are basically unofficially dating right now as Golda said.  Friends who like each other.  I don't know.  It's too late to turn back now... but I am praying about it... He is definitely Christian though...

I am weak but He is strong

I only slept about 3 or 4 hours last night.  I wanted to finish my homework but couldn't concentrate.  But I will trust in the Lord and work harder tonight... I will trust that God can help me do the impossible.  May God have the glory.

The past 24 hours has once again been difficult for people around me.  But I'm starting to get used to seeing crisis after crisis.  I don't like it but at least I am more calm about it rather than freaking out.

I woke up early randomly so I just prayed and listened to Christian music for about an hour and a half and actually it helps.  The snow outside is nice too, but I'm not looking forward to being in the cold.

I don't want to sound like I am more spiritual than anyone else.  In fact, I didn't even read the Bible much lately.  I dont want people to think I'm better than them.  But I do want to inspire others to get to know God because He is my strength and satisfaction in life.  He gives me peace when I am troubled and gives me the hope to face each day.

I don't think life is going to get any easier.  It's going to be hard but we can keep fighting and never give up.  Fight until the very last minute when you take your last breath, and leave a legacy of love behind you.

Should I expect a crisis every hour from now on?

Crisis after crisis.  This has been the week that everything went wrong with my friends.

-somebody's mom in the hospital
-somebody's dad in the hospital
-another person's mom in the hospital
-suicidal friend
-suicidal myself (only for a short time)
-another suicidal friend
-crying teen
-friend with chest pain
-friend calling with heartbreak
-friend's cousin died

WHAT NEXT???  This all happened within one week!
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Dear God,

Earlier I was in shock.  Thank God Chris Ko was there to comfort me.  He stayed calm throughout the whole time.  Golda thinks I should date him.  My logical side is saying that I shouldn't yet.  To pray more about it.  But I am vulnerable.  I want attention again, and Chris Ko is giving me that attention.  I'm not as silly as I was before.  This time I want to do it right and not rush into a relationship.  What do YOU think, God?  Should I wait longer, for someone else who is a devoted Christian?  I mean, Chris doesn't even know much about Christianity, how can he be my match?  Just because we have a few similarities and that he is a nice guy, does that suffice?  I wanted to aim high, someone like Harold or Josh Chu... but they are not paying me any attention!  I wish you could give me a sign.  Please do, before I break Chris Ko's heart or break my own.  Don't want to be in this cycle anymore.

Give me wisdom, please Lord.

A Crazy Night

Hello everyone, how are you?

As for me, I am doing alright, just need to finish so much homework.  But I trust in God that I can do it.

Last night was a crazy night.  We were supposed to go to karaoke with lifegroup but Jack was so anxious, he started yelling on the street, punched someone in the back (a stranger who was just standing there smoking) and also broke free from my grasp and ran into oncoming traffic except thank God it was a red light so he didn't die.  Since his mom was on the subway and cannot be reached, I called 911 and I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital where his mom came and lifegroup people came to support and help drive him and his mom home.

It was crazy.  I never had to save someone who was rushing out onto the street to kill himself.  Until last night  I never rode in an ambulance before.  Until last night.  It was shocking.  I mean, he seemed calm when his mom was there but once his mom left everything went downhill.  We weren't really able to calm him down.  But we are praying.  He changed his mental illness medication recently maybe that's why and maybe seeing to many asian people was a trigger for his anxiety.

The rest of us, after Jack and his mom went home, we had a time of bubble tea to calm ourselves down.  We ended up cheering each other up, laughing and eating and drinking bubble tea.

Thank God Jack didn't die.  Sometimes I wonder if Christos is right, that suicidal people and mentally unwell/mentally challenged people may be better off dead.  It sounds mean but that's a thought.  But then I remember what Jesus said... "whatever you do to the least of these brothers of mine, you do to Me".  Jesus treasures the weak.  And he asks us to help those in need.

On another note, Golda has been trying to get me and Chris Ko to start dating.  I'm not gonna rush it though.  You may wonder... Chris Ko?  Yeah he is a friend that Selena introduced me to.  He is very nice, he was driving us all over the city yesterday to take care of Jack.  Selena thinks we would be good together.  He is a Catholic Christian and he has been coming out to lifegroup recently.  I want to know him better first but Golda says he is already really into me, even saying he is willing to move to Montreal and support me as a missionary and support me as a bipolar disorder person.

Moving again... but God provides!

So in early January I am moving over to Golda's house!  Anne, my current landlady, said that she wanted me to move out in May anyways so might as well rent Golda's house which is available indefinitely.  It's late now so I'll update more later.  Take care everyone.

Positive updates

It's been a few days since the healing retreat and I'm still feeling great!  Kind of hyper but overall I am still joyful, not anxious much, and enjoying life as a renewed person.  Thank God!

There are some updates.  I might end up moving again, and this is because Golda's dad is thinking of offering me a room at their house for rent that is cheaper and that way I can also be there for Golda and she can be there for me.  This was a sudden proposal and I told them I need more information and need to think about it.  But so far I feel like there can be a lot of positives, mainly financially and emotionally.

Being with Golda has been a very encouraging time.  Her humor is very similar to mine and we laugh like crazy at jokes.  Both of us feel that emotionally we are doing much better after we reconnected.  God is doing a work in her family too, things are seeming to start to change for the better, praise God.

School is coming along nicely again, I no longer feel like quitting or giving up prematurely.  I feel strength to do my assignments well, I believe I will be OK!

Another crazy thing that happened was that I believe I had a visit with an angel.  I didn't see the angel, but I found on my bed an envelope (this happened Sunday) that said "The Lord Will Provide" with 200 dollars inside!  On my bed!  And I asked my landlady and roommate whether they put it there and they were surprised and said they didn't!  God knew I needed the money and I can't think of anyone else who had access to my room, let alone knew that I was in financial need.  So big thanks to God and the angel who put it there!  This is one miracle that proves that God is at work!

"Christianity is for everyone, especially for people who admit that, where it really counts, they're weak. It is for people who have the particular kind of strength to admit that their flaws are not superficial, their heart is deeply disordered, and that they are incapable of rectifying themselves. It is for those who can see that they need a savior, that they need Jesus Christ dying on the cross, to put them right with God."  (theparkforum.org)

My experience at the healing conference

Dear friends,

I am happy to tell you that right now I feel free, unburdened, and ready for a new start.  I am no longer fearing that I will fail school.  I am no longer trying to bear all my friends' burdens.  I am no longer crying about past hurts especially regarding my parents and past romantic relationships.  No more of that.  I have chosen to once and for all confess everything to God, and keep dialoguing with Him if any other troubles or hurts come my way.  But I am healed!

No, don't get me wrong, I am not going to say that I am fully healed from bipolar.  I am still going to take my medication, see the psychiatrist, and see the counselor.  I may not be healed from bipolar but at the same time I can live as a bipolar person who is not tied down by the negative effects and causes of bipolar.  I may still struggle but now I have a way to cope better with my pain rather than hurting myself or hurting others.  I have learned to forgive.  Forgive my parents, forgive myself, and let go of all my feelings to God.

All this happened because I finallly decided to go to the healing conference which I wanted to go 2 years ago.  After going through this experience I hope that others can find healing like I did.  The past 2 years I couldn't go because I felt I needed to do church work and no one could replace me.  But this time around, by God's grace, other people were taking care of the youth on Friday night and Saturday I postponed the church leaders meeting.  So I was free to go.

This healing conference is not like those things you see on TV.  Not Benny Hinn, not those people trying to make money or make you fall down on the floor or buy magic handkerchiefs.  No, this one was fully led by the Holy Spirit and they were basing their teachings on the Bible and personal experiences with God.  The prayer team was trained in listening to God, they received pictures and words that spoke directly to my situation although they did not know what was going on in my heart.  It's not psychic, it's not telling the future, it's just telling me the truth about myself and that God cares.

In the conference they talked about bondages, wounds, sins, and enemy strongholds.  Satan uses trauma in our lives, usually related to family problems, to make us vulnerable to demonic attacks.  But good news is we can be free if we go to God about everything, all our problems, He wants a relationship with us, not just a servant working.  God sees us as His children that He wants to restore and bring healing and wholeness to.  In fact this whole healing conference was called "Wholeness in Christ".  Christ has borne all our pains and wounds, by His wounds we are healed.  We just need to believe and give it all to Him.

At this conference I realized I never forgave my mom for being controlling and I never forgave my dad for the lack of affection.  Now I have forgiven them.  I also realized that I had fallen into a pattern of self-medicating through romantic relationships and being "busy" doing "work for the Lord".  My need for approval played out through trying to do these things.  I never realized until now that God is proud of me even before I did anything for Him. 

God showed me that my parents were being the way they are because of stuff that happened in the past.  My mom was controlling because when I was born she had a nightmare that somebody stole her baby (me).  So that's why she always has this fear of losing me.  That's where she started to want to always control the situation.  Also because I always fell sick when I was young, so that's why my mom is overprotective.  With my dad he always was the only one providing for the family.  He felt that work equaled love.  That's why I also decided to work hard and that's how I show my love to parents and God.  But God doesn't see work as same thing as love.  In fact He rather spend a day with me doing nothing except talking or just spending the time doing anything together.

The first night (yesterday, aka Friday), I came with a lot of expectation and burden.  I knew that something special was going to happen and that this was going to be a good and healing experience.  But I knew that I had to deal with a lot of my issues and so I prayed and cried during the singing time.  Slowly as the healing conference went on, I felt less and less burden as I prayed and gave up everything to God. 

People all around the world were praying for us.  Even before the conference, they were praying and as they prayed for my name, one of the prayer team people got a picture from God.  It was the picture of a big potted plant with lots of dead leaves but the top leaves were new and growing.  It represented an old way of living that was decaying and a new way of living to be taken place.  For you guys reading this you may think it's totally random or weird, but for me it totally makes sense.  You won't know what I am talking about unless you get a prophecy that speaks directly to your situation.  Basically it's a metaphor that speaks to your life and helps you know that God loves you and knows your situation.

I feel like finally I can break out of the cycle of trying to find satisfaction in guys.  I know I've said this before but this time I really feel the freedom, because this time I dealt with the root issues and have forgiven.  In the past I would force myself into thinking that I am happy single when I'm actually not, and still hold on to the past hurts.  But now I fully let go.

I prayed so much today and others prayed for me too, and I felt freedom.  It all comes down to "owning" up to your sin, acknowledging your sins and realizing you have been believing a lie from Satan.  The truth sets you free and Jesus is the truth.  You may not come to this realization until you are ready to face it.  In fact, I was skeptical and lying to myself this whole time.  It wasn't until I was ready that I received this healing.  Pastor Fiona said she was proud of me.  I am not hanging on to her approval but I am glad she said that because I do look up to her and she was the one who was trying to get me to pray through my issues all this time.  I finally did it.

The new song in my heart is one of joy and love.  God didn't just give other people (the prayer team) pictures.  God also gave me three pictures... here they are:

1) Going deeper with God, represented by a picture of a scuba diver diving down to get treasure.  A shark comes, representing Satan, but the shark is blocked by an invisible wall.  The diver (me) goes deep into the bottom and finds a treasure.  This represents me having a deeper relationship with God and finally finding the treasure that He has in store for me.

2) I am being sucked into a black hole, spinning vaccum but before I reach the hole Jesus pulls me out.  This represents my cycle of despair and broken relationships.  Before anything worse happens, Jesus is pulling me out of that right now.

3) A simple heart shape with the word "joy" inside.  This is my new song.  Joy in my heart, and love.  I will sing over myself "Jesus lover of my soul, Jesus you will never let me go, You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and now I know, I love you, I need you, though my world may fall I'll never let you go.  My savior, my closest friend, I will worship you until the very end".

There is no trick to receiving words and pictures from God.  A person just needs to be open to the Holy Spirit, spend quiet time listening, and if it's truly from God you will know 100% that it is.  Practice listening and if you get nothing, it's OK, God is still there with you.

No more workaholism.  No more attachment to boys.  No more believing the lies.  Thanks to Jesus Christ, I am now free.  If sin comes and entangles me again, I will say, Jesus has set me free, nothing formed against me shall stand, and God is my victory.

Dear God

Dear God,

It's been a while since I have written you a letter or gotten down on my knees to really pray and have a heart to heart talk.  I have prayed but just in spurts of desperation.

When I really stop and think about what happened the past few days, I just want to cry.  I just want to quit school and take a break from life.

Golda is doing better now but it was so hard and intense the past few days.  You know what happened.  I rather not say it out in case my blog readers get shocked.  Plus, it's private.  But you know God what we had to go through.  I just pray it gets better from here.  I pray my emotional effort and words were not in vain.

God I want to run to You and cry and hug you.  Please hold on to me.  I am starting to cry right now... I guess it's good to let it out.  I am going to see my counselor again in two mondays.  I think she can help me.  I also need to see the academic advisor I think, whether I should finish school earlier rather than later.  Take less courses or something.  I really can't concentrate in school right now, the more classes go by the more distracted, sleepy, and restless I get.

Is it really time for me to stop school and take a break?  I really feel like I emotionally need it but maybe I should press on?  I don't know Lord.  Please comfort me.

So much stuff I still have to do, two big assignments, one little one.  Ministry stuff, outreach stuff...

Seriously, the only thing going right in my life right now is ministry.  Thanks God that at least that part of life didn't crash.  Financially I am drained too.  Please get me the OSAP free money soon.  Please get me the ODSP soon too.  I really need more money.  Running out.

God thanks for listening to me.  Please protect me, my family, and my friends.  Thank you for being my God and being so loving towards me.  God you are good.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  You give me strength to go on.  Keep me from harm, Lord,  give me joy and perseverance.  Lord you are great, I can't stop praising you.  thank you.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

Emotional day

The song I am posting below is very soothing to me.  I love Demi Lovato.  She has bipolar disorder like me and she used to be suicidal, but she is now an inspiration, a story of a warrior coming out of her troubles.  I love her music too.  So I am posting this song not because I want my old boyfriend back, it's just that her song soothes me.

Today I got really emotional, was crying.  I don't have much time to explain what happened, but basically I went to a funeral of a 51 year old lady from Charis church, and I heard some bad news about my friend Josh B who is still suffering from his concussion at the car crash last Christmas.  I blamed myself for his pain because if I didn't invite him that night then this would not have happened.  But I know it's not my fault, I just blamed myself because I had nothing else to blame.

I don't even want to be healed anymore from bipolar.  It's become a part of me.  I hear stories about other people getting healed and I get mad.  I am happy for them that they got healed but I am mad that this world is unfair.  But then again, it wasn't fair for Jesus to die on the cross but he chose to to save us from our sins.

So yeah, this whole world is unfair but God still cares so at least I have that comfort.  It's hard to explain but every time I'm down God lifts me up somehow with friends and inspiration from Himself.

I'm not mad at God, I'm just mad at this life.  I want to take a break from life, quit school, just take a break and enjoy life for once.  But life doesn't work that way.  But whatever, I will carry on and grow stronger.

quote from a facebook friend

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you"

Life is about to get a little bit more complicated...

So... Daniel Case from church likes me.  He gave me a rose, a plush pig, and a poem.  The poem was pretty intense.  I didn't say much, just thank you and a friendly hug.  I don't feel any feelings for him, but I know I should give him an answer soon and it's probably going to be "Sorry , I don't have any feelings for you".  It sucks, he is a great guy, even speaks French, just not what I'm looking for.  What the heck should I say so that he doesn't cry?

Update

This week has been alright, spent a lot of time with my new godsister Golda.  She needed my support.  There was also some complications with OSAP and the bank, but all is good now because at just the right time, OSAP decided to give me a loan and free money, so that I don't need to pay them back right away.  God always provides, thank God.  Otherwise I would be in the negative right now.  I'm still super behind in school, but at least Golda is doing better.  We find that we stabilize each other.  It is true that it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Love yourself

"When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.”
— Kim McMillen

RANT

Can I say a rant here?  All those good Christian guys are either taken or too busy with their ministries to date.  Or they are so picky for a good Christian girl or too polite so they become friend zoned or end up single for a long time.  Seriously, do you think I should just keep on waiting and waiting for a good Christian guy to ask me out?  Well guess what, while you are being so patient and polite and picky, I am ending up with the wrong guys who gave me all the attention I wanted.  The wrong guys!  SO if you are the right guy, can you smarten up and ask me out already?? (i know none of them are reading this though) just a rant

Advice given

Martine said:

I realized I'm very impatient. There was a guy, "H" that I really liked, he seemed perfect for me, had the same dreams and interests, loved God, and loved evangelism and even had many similarities as me. I wanted to wait for him (Big mistake you should wait on GOD, NOT a Guy!) but I got impatient and went for two other guys (not at the same time) after "H" showed no interest in me. In the end, I found out that "H" was not interested in me at all. Right now, my female friend is trying to hook me up with her brother "J", and he seems great, but I feel like if I'm not careful the same thing is going to happen, where if he doesn't give me attention, I will settle for less. Because right now "J" hasn't really talked to me for years, I just thought of him as a potential husband after his sister mentioned that we would be good together. Please give me any advice and please pray that I wait for God's best. I am in a sticky situation right now.

Lady named Adele on facebook said:

Hi Martine, u remember the first definition of love? Love is patient. do not be impatient and forget about God's goodness. He knows what should happen in your life. Do not worry about missing out anything..coz u will not. Just take time to pray to God and wait for Him to give u a clear guidance. It will not take long for Him to answer u. Count on Him and believe that your future is in good hands. Pursue the one whose name starts with J and ends with S. U know who I am talking about. Only He knows how to perfectly treasure your heart all the time. Wait on Him to tell u which guy is the right one. Talk to Jesus often, and He will speak to u often too. :)) do not worry so much coz He is God and He knows how to take care of your life.

At peace

Today I realized how stupid Dr. Chandler (my psychiatrist) can actually be.  OK yeah sure he was the one who figured out I was bipolar but really he has no idea how to help me other than just adding more drugs.  That's not even the bad part.  He didn't even know how to print out the damn ODSP form and he took forever to even AGREE to sign the ODSP form.  What kind of psychiatrist doesn't want to help their patient get extra support money from the government?  A stupid one of course!

I was so mad but Golda was there so I felt comforted after venting to her and going to Starbucks for a nice dessert and drink.  She has now adopted me as godsister.  We became close fast.

At lifegroup it was really emotionally and spiritually heavy.  We shared about our struggles and got prayed for and sang.  If you were there you would really feel the openness, vulnerability and relief after prayer.  I just pray that the newcomers are ok because they were late so they came right when I was in the middle of almost getting prayer and when I prayed my voice was shaky and scared.  But after the prayer I felt more calm and prayed for others with the spiritual power and word as well.

God is good :)

Dear Josh

(this may be super weird but I felt like writing here a letter that I will never send, to a friend that I never talk to anymore.  His name is Josh Chu.  I used to have a crush on him back in grade 7.  I just find it hard to talk to God right now so I decided to just pick this person.  You'll see why.)

Dear Josh Chu,

I can't believe I'm talking to you in my imagination at 5:22am.  I just finished watching the funny romantic comedy movie called "The Beast and the Beauty".  I was trying to find the Disney "Beauty and the Beast" movie on youtube but instead found this one.  So I watched the whole thing.  It was funny but I also was reminded of my desire for a husband.

Unfortunately, your sister got my hopes up and then Facebook broke them.  Let me explain.  I was at your sister's house yesterday for a sleepover.  I felt so happy because for once in my life I found someone who could understand my struggles because you know she struggles too.  For once I found someone who could understand why I never take other peoples advice, why I attach myself to a guy so easily, why I need constant guy attention, why i choose the wrong guys, why I crash into depression, all that stuff.

Your sister and I had some good talks and I just happened to mention that I had a crush on you in grade 7.  I don't know, maybe things would have been better or just "stayed under the carpet" if I didn't mention that to her.  She thought it was hilarious that I used to like you and she wanted to set us up.  I asked how you were in your personality, because I haven't really hung out with you for 12 years, ever since you guys left Etcbc.

She said you were very understanding, non judgmental, caring, very supportive of her, your sister.  She said you were mature, spiritually, too.  I thought wow, why can't I meet someone like that.  For a little while I had my hopes up, thinking maybe I could contact you and everything would fall into place and that you would be able to love me.  Plus you speak French.  I told myself, Martine, don't fall for this, it won't work, don't get your hopes up.  But it was too late.

Josh, my heart is broken right now.  If only we were still friends, even if you don't like me romantically at least I could talk to a guy who would understand my bipolar and not judge me.  Then I wouldn't have to text Christos nonstop.  I mean, Christos was the only guy in my life who stuck with me even with my bipolar.  That's why I love him, because even though he did many things to sadden me he also cheered me up after and gave me the attention and touch that I wanted.

Josh.  If only we were still friends.  I think because your sister went through similar things at least you would understand.  I can't tell your sister everything because your sister is going through a rougher time herself , I need to support her.  I can't make her worry about me.  If only you could talk to me right now.

Is it really the medication that fixes all my emotions, or are these emotions really what need to be expressed?  Just one day of no medication and then all the emotions come out.  What do normal people feel?  If the same things happened to a person without bipolar, would they cry as much as me?  Would they chase after guys like me?

Josh, the reason why I am crying so much is because I can't get rid of this desire to want to have a husband.  Josh, for a second I had my hopes up thinking that it could possibly work between us, I mean, Golda said you didn't have any girlfriend before and wouldn't judge me for not being a virgin.

But silly me I looked through your pictures on facebook and saw you in a picture with a girl.  It looked like you were celebrating a birthday alone with her on a beach.  That's what it seemed.  And it seemed she gave you cups as a gift.  I remember my friend Heaven from UTSC told me that when her boyfriend gave her cups it signified in the Chinese tradition that you will stay together forever.

Damn.  That just sunk my heart.  I can't believe even though you didn't even talk to me I was entranced by what Golda said and basically fell for you even though I just only talked to you for 30 seconds last December.  And all those 12 years I didn't talk to you, except for those two times I went to your fellowship.

I guess that's all I have to say.  You're not going to read this so really it was just for me to somehow feel better.  But I don't know when this crying will end.  God bless my soul.

one day maybe i'll feel better again

A fragile heart bleeds slowly and shatters
The broken pieces collected by a charmer
Slowly the pieces put back together
But the heart is never ever the same again

Wishing it could be whole, but no,
some pieces are gone, taken by lovers
Until the day Jesus comes back to take her
She will be a fragile flower of a broken jar

She will continue to shine, even if weakly
She will stand strong, though her knees are weak
She will overcome, one day at a time
Just hold her, she needs love.

Untitled, by Martine Lee
(my first poem with no edits from beginning to end, no brains, just soul)

WOWed by this music :D be inspired!!! The third song is my favorite so far!

One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
The world in motion

You're out beyond the furthest morning star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the rock of ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous

You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

From age to age You reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

("Adonai" is "Lord" in Hebrew, and we call Jesus our Lord)

You will never walk alone by Point of Grace

Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know

(Chorus)
(Chorus)
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
And you may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

Never, no never

The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember wherever you may go


(Repeat Chorus)

Jesus knows your joy, Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully

----

Chilling, true, and biblical

"I've seen a pattern. God calls people, gives them vision, starts them on their way & just when it's looking good, humbles & crumbles them. After the divine humbling & crumbling, the called is sure he's blown it & it's over. He doesn't realize that only now is he ready to serve." - Beth Moore

 Isaiah, Jeremiah, Moses, David, Elijah... these are all great leaders in the Bible who have been "crumbled down" because of one thing or another.   Why didn't I realize it until now?  Every Christian leader needs to go through crumbling so that they will stay humble and the suffering be used to glorify God and make us better people and more able to relate with the "common folk".  If we were perfect we would actually not be good leaders at all.

I'm finally starting to understand why I have bipolar disorder, especially RIGHT AFTER I got the calling to become a pastor back in March 2006.  Praise God.

After a down there is always an up, and vice versa

Hi friends,

I haven't updated in a while.  The last few posts were just songs, quotes, and short prayers.  And the previous really long post was when I was crying nonstop.  I am happy to say that those times have passed.  Last week I was also feeling guilty, unmotivated, trying to hide my feelings, hollow, and in denial.  I rather not get into it though, because I am feeling better now.

Right now I'm at my friend Golda's house.  We reconnected after 10 long years.  We actually have a lot in common, although I cannot share much otherwise it would not be fair to her.  But I am happy to know that someone has gone through very similar experiences and wants to support me.  I know you guys reading this also support me, but in a special way Golda I can identify with her.

Today Christos visited me.  I gave him his new Bible, and we are just friends right now.  I'm not lying, we are just friends.  I'm happy to be his friend.  He has been a support to me even though yes he was sometimes the source of my pain.  It's hard to explain but whatever as long as things are good now I'm not gonna worry about trying to make anyone understand.

Last week I also spent less time with God.  I was so disillusioned and being hard on myself, couldn't get out of sleepyworld and so so unmotivated.  But today somehow I guess I started the day right, finally read the Bible again and listened to Kari Jobe Christian music.  And finally felt motivated again for school, gonna try to eat better, play piano, and become a more healthy me again.

I'm glad I have friends who stick with me through ups and downs and craziness.  I really do appreciate all of you.  :)  God bless you all.

Dear God,

Please wash me clean again, thanks for giving me another chance
I'm sorry for running away from You
Please help me be faithful
Help me to know that all I need is You

Oh how many times have I broken your heart
but still you forgive, if only I ask
oh how many times, have you heard me pray
Draw near to me

Quote from Joyce Meyer

Do not give up on the ones you love; your patient love and faithfulness may be exactly what they need to make a complete turnaround.

 (Joyce Meyer is a Christian preacher that I really admire, her sermons, quotes and inspirations are on facebook, joycemeyer.org and youtube.)

Be brave and fly

Bring me the night (song)

Just Give Me a Reason

Life is hard but it is well with my soul

As you probably have read from my weekend posts, you could probably tell I was crying nonstop and having a really hard time.  But now that time has passed, I am joyful again, praise God.  I have given up on trying to get over Christos.  Every time I try to stop talking to him, it works for a little while then I end up talking to him again being happy then sad again when I realize I am not over him.  Well maybe I should stop forcing myself to get over him and just let the feelings flow freely.  If one day I get over him good but right now I can't so I will keep being his friend and stop trying to block him off.

Right now I feel that I am putting God first because I am constantly in the Word and worship music, constantly aware and praising God, I pray, and overall I feel God's approval and presence.  With Christos things are going well, he asked me to get him a Bible and that was the coolest thing I heard coming out of his mouth.  LOL.  Before he wouldn't even want to read it , now he wants to.  Praise God.

We both feel that God knew in advance that our relationship would go through ups and downs and crazy drama but there was a purpose in all of that.  Looking back, I have learned so much about myself.  Being with Christos exposes all  my weaknesses and all my strengths.  Mostly weaknesses.  But that is besides the point.  With him, I realized how I always look to people for approval and always take people's advice so seriously that I pressure myself and fear what people think.  My counselor told me through all this that I need to learn to set boundaries in my heart, and not feel pressured to be the perfect Martine that everyone wants or sees me as.

I also learned more about what God is like.  I love Christos even though his past is a very broken one filled with mistakes and regrets.  I love him even though I know he hurt me and I forgive him totally.  I see him as Christos, not the guy who broke my heart.  In the same way, God sees us as His children that he loves, NOT as ugly pieces of crap who broke his heart.  He forgives us and loves us unconditionally, just like I love Christos unconditionally.

 I know now that Christos does love me, that he does care.  Sometimes he may not express it the way I want him to, or he may be doing stuff that I don't like, but he doesn't mean to hurt me.

On another note, I am also happy because many new people have been coming to lifegroup and outreach is going well.  I can see God working in people's hearts, how God uses prayer and care from church friends to help those going through hard times.

Also I am happy because I went shopping LOL.  Didn't go shopping in so long and I got some Giant Tiger store's deals.  People say I look different now, thanks to Thuy's makeup :) Thanks Thuy :)  I feel like a real woman now. LOL.

School is going alright but I am very behind in readings.  I tend to put people ahead of myself and there is so many people who need my care.  God is working through me though, I can feel it.  And thank God I received 2000 dollars for free for my tuition from the church!

Thanksgiving is coming and I am looking forward to times with family and church friends.  I hope everyone will have a good time.

We should all be thankful for what we have because one day it could be taken away.  My two friends right now are in the hospital for mental illness and basically when you end up in the hospital like that it feels like your life is taken away.  Please pray for them.  Also Gloria's boyfriend, this year some of his friends got shot to death.  And knowing that, I feel I should be even more conscious of spending time with people in my family and friends.  Time is short, enjoy every moment, stop crying and start singing :)

All I had to do was sing

I was once again crying over Harold this time today after coming back from my parents home.  At my parents home I was crying over my family.  I swear this bipolar disorder is getting worse and worse.  The more friends I talk to the more I cry and so once and for all I decided to do it Paul the apostle's way.

Paul the apostle in the Bible when he got arrested and put in jail for preaching Christianity, he started singing in the jail.  He didn't cry he just sang.  So why can't I?

So I started singing.  And now all the pain is gone.  Magic.  I was practicing "Listen" by Beyonce.  One day I'll perfect it and if someone can buy me a digital camera with videorecording option for Christmas, I'll post up more and more youtube videos of all the songs I've been practicing this year!

God comforted me through this song

Dear God

Dear God,

What have I got to do to make this pain end?  I can't believe I've been crying for the whole night already I didn't even know that this long time crying was possible.  Dear God I love you but why do I still hold on to Christos like this?  It is impossible that I marry him and it was never the right decision in the first place so why am I still like this?

I just want to down some anti-depression pills to make this stop, I don't want to cry anymore.  Please God can you please save me?  What's wrong with me? Why am I bipolar?  Why can't I make up my own mind?

The stupid pills make me sleep like 14 hours a day I don't want to take them anymore but yet the pain it comes back so strong when I don't take them.  Every time I'm happy I suddenly get sad again it's all the stupid bipolar fault I don't understand.

So confused, just want to go to my heavenly home I am NOT going to kill myself I just want to be in a place where there is no pain, where love lasts forever and where I can just be 100% happy and don't need to worry about pain coming back.

God, please listen to me, I am desperate and I cannot do this anymore.

Truth hurts

First of all, I am going to apologize to all my readers that once again this blog post is a sad one about my feelings about Christos.  But I trust that all of you who are good friends of mine will not judge me and will read knowing that I just need to let this out.

The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy.  I felt totally in love with Jesus.  But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.

But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last.  When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body.  All that crap.  Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.

Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted.  I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him.  The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.

I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.

People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer.  I just do.  It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him.  It's not the characteristics about him that I love.  I love HIM.  I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.

I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out.  I really can't torture myself any longer.  I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year.  Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.

Most of all, it doesn't help ME.

I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this.  I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason.  I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...

Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest.  Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.

I just know that I love him.  And God knows too.

Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest.  I thought about cutting myself again.  I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking.  I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.

Friends can only help so much.  They can give advices but honestly it's up to me.  I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.

Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms.  But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.

Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand.  Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.

my facebook mini poem worth reposting here

Your hand reaching out trying to grab what you desire
God's hand reaching out for yours but your eyes are fixed on the idol
When will you break down your idol and see beyond your temporary happiness
To the One who can give you Everything? Reach out for Jesus' hand
He's still waiting and chasing after you!!!!

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

The chapter Psalm 23 in the Bible is pretty famous, but if we really think about the words they are POWERFUL.  The first verse is usually translated "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want".  Other translations also clarify, saying "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing"  or "... I have all that I need".  Can we believe so hard that God is going to take care of us that we also believe that we don't need to want anything more or lack anything?

I've been thinking lately.  The first two weeks after I moved out, I was totally in love with Jesus, just spending 3 times a day with him, once at every meal, praying and reading the Bible.  As school and responsibilities got more busy, I started skipping times with God and just rushing through life.  When I started rushing through life or just drifting with it ("going with the flow" rather than making time for God), I started to feel like I was lacking something.

A man.  Yeah.  That again.  I started wondering once again how come it didn't work out with Harold, or wanting the comfort of Christos back (he was just always there, talking with me every day, his words were like fake honey, like glucose fructose, and I say fake and not sugar because God's Word is supposed to be the real deal).

It all starts with desire.  If we desire God more than anything, we will be satisfied and feel like we don't need anything except God.  Let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling.  The first two weeks after I moved out I never felt so at peace and free.  I had fun serving at church and I had full confidence that everything was going to be ok.  Now?  I'm fluctuating.  I'm realizing I need to get back to desiring God first, instead of trying to make myself happy through my own methods.

When I am good with God, I am joyful, confident, and free.  I need to stay that way.  To do that, I need to say no to temporary pleasures that may make me end up in pain or trouble (e.g. Christos wants to see me alone... AGAIN!)  I can't let things like that happen, no matter how much it seems appealing in the short term.  I need to love God more.  I need to be lovesick for Jesus and no one else.

Just let it go

Today as I was waiting for Selena at the restaurant for lunch, I suddenly felt sad and lonely.  Maybe it has to do with my period, being more emotional than normal.  Maybe it also had to do with people last Wednesday reminding me of Christos.  Maybe it also had to do with two of my church people getting married tomorrow.  Or maybe seeing my housemate with her boyfriend, or knowing that today my sister is spending time with her boyfriend Nick.  In any case I cried a little at the restaurant.  But I felt better after I texted Christos about it.  Somehow he cheers me up.  But I also have to let him go.  I don't know how to describe it to you, but I do feel better now.

I guess this week my hyperness from last week wore off, and I was less focused and thinking too much.  I don't really know.  But I just know that I am better now.  I keep reminding myself that Christos was not the one for me, and the Bible verse "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart".  I am calm now.  And I'll be ok.

Never been so excited, never been so random

I never knew I could be so excited about doing my job!  I love my youth, they make me laugh so much and after each time I hang out with them I have so much excitement just thinking of them that it's hard to sleep at night.  I love serving God!  I love my youth!  I love planning activities for them, preaching, seeing lives changed and seeing the effect of my example on them.  It's amazing!  Praise God and Thank God for this opportunity!

Chester Le is a challenge though because unlike the youth at Charis church they are already involved in drug dealing, seeing things the way the world tells them, and having some attitude problems.   But there are still kids and youth open to church people.  And it may take some time but I hope to get to know them more and hopefully they will get back on the right track.  I may not be able to change the world, but I can affect one person at a time.

Lifegroup is going well.  We have new people joining and it's a great time.  Sometimes I can't fall asleep because I'm excited for lifegroup too.  Haha... so much lost sleep.

Yeah my sleeping schedule has been very very random.  Either I'm too excited and don't sleep much, or I get exhausted from that and sleep a lot.  Last night I tried to sleep early but woke up a few times in the middle of the night.  Oh well.  The most important thing is that I am still doing well and have enough energy to do everything.   Nothing is a burden anymore, everything is a joy!

There is a lot to do.  But one step at a time :)

The busy but good life

I haven't updated in a while because school started and things are very busy.  There is a LOT of reading, more than last year, and also a lot of ministry stuff to take care of but I'm enjoying it.  Being a youth pastor is an exciting challenge, sometimes feel like there is not enough time to do everything I would like to do for the youth.

I might get a "second job".  In fact it might not really be another job, just that I get paid for the volunteer work that I already do.  I proposed to Grace Gospel Church that maybe I could get paid for serving with outreach because I have been turning down tutoring jobs to focus on it.  I proposed 5 hours a week of pay but soon after they were also considering paying me for teaching youth on Sunday mornings, which wouldn't be too much of a burden because I would be teaching them the same thing that I would teach the Charis church youth in the afternoon.

This happened after I prayed that God would provide for my finances.  I totally believe in God's promises to provide for His children.

I'm excited for the Charis youth because I have a lot of ideas on how to train them up well and also have a lot of fun.  We already discussed the topic last week "Why would God allow suffering?" and they had a lot of additional questions.  This upcoming Friday we are discussing "sex and dating".

For Christmas I want them to get involved making care packages for refugees.  In Feb. I want to bring them to a Christian Bible snow camp.  I think it will be really fun, hopefully it works out.

Gotta run soon, class tonight!

Loving my family

Living here in my new place, it's easy to forget about my family and just enjoy the peace, quiet, and independence.  However, I was reminded this week that I should still keep in touch with my family members.  What if one day an accident happened and they were taken away?  Then I would regret not giving them the time.

My mom and I talk every day, but my dad probably feels neglected, now that I think about it.  Next time I call my mom I should also call my dad and my sister and my grandma and my aunt.  (My aunt emailed me asking me if I was ok and said that she and Grandma were worrying about me) 

God, please help me to learn how to love my family.

God brought me there just in time

Yesterday I went to the hospital with my teens (the two twin girls) and shared the gospel with their grandpa.  He was not able to speak and not able to move much, but we communicated to him through asking him to wiggle his eyebrows.  I introduced myself as the twin girls' friend, and told him about Jesus' love, told him that if in his heart he said "Save me Jesus", then he could go to heaven and one day be with his family again.  After I shared with him the gospel I could see in his eyes and face that he had peace and wanted to believe.  The twins' mom even said, "if you want to believe, wiggle your eyebrows" and after a while of not moving, he wiggled his eyebrows.  The skeptic in me wonders whether he did it just to please his family rather than really believing but the believer in me saw the peace in his eyes and I really do believe he accepted Christ.  The twins and the twins' mom also felt extremely sure that he believed in Christ yesterday.  He passed away at around 12-1am this morning.

Thank you God for bringing me there just in time.  Otherwise the twins' or the twins' mom wouldn't really know how to share the gospel because they are new Christians and felt so shocked that they couldn't even say much.  Thank you God for giving us the time of singing songs to the grandpa .  During one of the songs he wiggled his eyebrows so much I really felt like he liked the song.

Life is so so so fragile.  Treasure your days and make the most of each moment.  Don't hesitate, just share the gospel with love whenever you can.  God loves each person and doesn't want them to be lost.  I care about all of you my dear readers and I will pray for you and your families tonight.

God uses our pain for good

I can't sleep tonight, but I don't mind.  I have been just praying and thinking back on my life, and thinking about my teens (yes, I call them MY teens because I love them so much) at Charis church.  I cried too, for several reasons but none of the reasons are because I am sad.  Let me explain.

Tonight one of my teens told me her grandpa has only a few days to live, according to what the doctor said.  As I listened to her, my eyes started welling up but I tried not to cry in front of her.  I just felt what she felt because when I was around her age, in grade 9, my grandpa passed away.  For her it's even harder because right now her grandpa is not Christian yet and she is afraid about him not being able to go to heaven.  I told her I would pray for him and that I would go with them to visit him tomorrow and pray for him.

As I thought about tomorrow's visit, what I would say to the hurting family, what would I say if I had the chance to talk to the dying grandpa, I realized that God prepared me for this way beforehand.  In the past, when I was in high school, I was upset because I never had the chance to go to church youth fellowship every Friday.  My parents didn't allow me and instead told me to go to Mandarin school every Friday.  I felt left out of the church fellowship because everyone would be bonding and having fun on Friday night while I was in Mandarin school.

But now I know that God was trying to train me for this moment.  If I couldn't speak Mandarin, I would not be able to talk to the teen's dying grandpa.  I realize that my pain in the past of losing my own grandpa in grade nine and also my so called "pain" of being left out of the church fellowship was actually so that I could help this family who is suffering.

Similar thing with my bipolar disorder.  After a while, my symptoms weren't that bad.  Sometimes I want to ask, God why would you allow mental illness to happen to people?  Especially one friend I visited today, she tried to kill herself a few times already.  I know the answer.  It doesn't really have to do with God, it has to do with the fact that this world is broken, people are stressed and/or inherit mental illnesses.  But God gave me a "taste" of bipolar disorder and helped me recover because He wanted me to be able to help others with mental illnesses.  So far, I have met countless friends with mental illnesses.  At the very least I know how it feels to be confused in a hospital, to believe things that are ridiculous and illogical, to feel like I want to die, to feel like no one understands.  I know God helped me through my bipolar disorder so that I can in turn help others whom He has placed on my path.  I pray for them.

I am not trying to boast or anything.  I am just saying that God has a plan.  When we go through pain, we may not understand at first why this is happening.  But later you will understand, and you can thank God for putting you through that pain because later it will turn out for good.

I totally surrender my life to Jesus now.  He is my only lover and closest friend.  As I was praying I asked Jesus to fill the hole in my heart.  The hole that was created 10 years ago when I broke up with my first boyfriend. The hole that was never properly healed or filled.  I now know that Jesus was being patient with me.  He was waiting for me to come to Him with all my pain and let Him embrace me.

Now I'm listening to Backstreet Boys with a totally different perspective... Jesus is the one for me.  Even if a guy asks me out right now, no thank you.  I want to enjoy Jesus and be fully devoted to Him, and only when He tells me it is the right time, for sure, I can start dating again.  But I am in no rush.  The past week when I spent every meal reading His Word (Bible) and praying, I have never been more satisfied with life.

Try this!  Listen to the song below while imagining the Chorus being sung by Jesus! it fits His personality and how He loves us.

Am I ready for the battle?

Getting emails from my friend Cymone in Hong Kong makes me realize that spiritual warfare is very very real.  She wants to start an online ministry where she sells products and accessories, and on the website will also be information about the gospel.  She felt called to leave her comfortable home in Canada and go live in a rented ugly and leaky apartment in Hong Kong.  In fact, before she moved into the leaky apartment she had a vision that it would be leaky, before even seeing it.

And she told me that every time she was praying for someone or doing God's work, obstacles would come, for example her body would have sudden pains or somehow she wouldn't be able to find the classroom or location of where she wanted to go.  She lives in a dangerous area with dark alleys but she trusts in God that she will be safe,  her spiritual eyes helped her see that angels were guarding her.

Not only that, but recently her laptop literally burned up in smoke.  All she did was press the power button, it didn't overheat but it burned up in smoke so much that you could see the smoke and there was a burnt mark on her desk. 

However, telling you all these spiritual things cannot convince you that God and Satan are real.  Jesus said, people who see even miracles would not believe.  It takes faith to believe.  Faith is believing in something you cannot see, and being sure of what you hope for.

Usually God works backwards.  The world will say, show us a miracle and we will believe.  Jesus says, believe, and I will show you a miracle.  It was only after I became Christian that I felt God's presence, experienced struggles with Satan, and saw miracles and heard God's voice.  I cannot really explain to you because you will just think I am hallucinating or something.  But God is real.  And He loves you.

Letters

Tonight I feel like writing some letters.  The first one is to you, the reader.  The second one is to Christos, the man I somehow love even after so much hurt has been caused by me loving him.  The third one is to Jesus.

---
Dear Reader and Friend,

Thanks for being there for me when I needed it.  I know you are thinking of me and you care for me.  As I write this, tears come to my eyes, I'm not even sure why.  Maybe because without you, my most trusted friends whom I can share my deepest darkest secrets with, I would feel very alone.  I would feel like crap, basically.

Some of you have known me for a long time, some of you shorter.  But all of you mean a lot to me.  And there is a reason why I trust you enough to let you read my blog.  You have shown yourselves to be true friends.  And I want to encourage you too.

I know sometimes this blog may worry you, you may feel the sadness that is in me, so I thank you for bearing with me.  Sometimes I feel like my blog posts don't really tell you everything, but you get a piece of it, at least.

Sometimes I do worry about whether I should even say something on my blog.  I know you won't judge me, but maybe you would judge Christianity?  Especially those of you who aren't Christian, I feel like my blog will talk about things that non-Christians won't understand, and you may even feel repulsed by what I say or disagree strongly.  You are entitled to your own opinion, and thanks for allowing me to share my view with you.  Sometimes I don't explain my faith and my God well at all.  And Christians can be extremely imperfect people.  I mean, just look at me.

It's like playing a saxophone.  Unless you have learned to play the saxophone, you wouldn't really understand the joy of playing saxophone with great skill.  Similar thing with knowing Jesus.  I enjoy Jesus a lot and I hear his voice from time to time.  You wouldn't know what it feels like unless you really knew Him.  I am not saying that I am more skilled than you, I am just using the saxophone playing as an example.  I really hope you can enjoy this one day, knowing Jesus so deeply that you feel like you are dancing with Him, you hear His voice speaking and comforting you, and knowing for sure that He is alive and real in your heart even though most people just think of him as a historical person who lived 2000 years ago.

Anyway, back to what I was originally saying.  Thanks for being there.  You mean a lot to me.  I see you as my equal, my family, my friends.  You are all wonderful people.

Your friend, Martine

--------------------
Christos,

I know that you won't be able to read this unless you really cared so much that you decided to hack into it and find this.  This letter was really meant for me to try to express my feelings. 

I'm sorry I had to block you again from facebook and my blog, and not answering your texts without any explanation of why I did that (again).  I just felt that if I explained, you wouldn't understand and would try to convince me that it's OK to keep in contact and be attached to you.

I see the good in you, I really do.  I care about you so much.  These last few days have not been easy for me, thought about you every day, thought about whether I should just text you back, because I missed you and wanted to be your friend.

What you don't understand is... well, you really won't understand and will probably take it the wrong way... the space that you occupy in my heart is supposed to be Jesus' spot and Jesus wants it back.  Being so attached to you is unhealthy to my spiritual health.  I am torn because I really do want to be your friend and have you come to lifegroup but on the other hand I haven't healed from our breakup and I haven't fallen in love with Jesus and stayed in love with Jesus.  I was basically cheating on Jesus by being with you.

I have forgiven you for the things you have done to hurt me so I don't blame you for anything.  I blame it all on myself.  I lack self control and lack wisdom, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place and I beat myself up for not putting up boundaries since day one.  If I had guarded my heart and not started a relationship with you back in February none of this would have happened.

I told you the truth when I said I never loved a man so much.  Oh no I'm tearing up again.  I really wish I could just tell you and that you would understand but you won't, the moment I text you back it's going to start the cycle all over again, me being attached to you and holding on to the little comfort that I have in you rather than the greater comfort that Jesus is trying to offer me.

And you would be mad that I brought up Jesus and you would be mad that I'm somehow choosing God over you, you would be.

I know you care about me, I know you do.  That's why it hurts to ignore you like this.  I wish I could just hug you and we would just all be OK.  But life doesn't work like that.

I'm praying for you, you know that means I care about you.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye for now, Christos... I'll let you know when I have fully healed and when Jesus is back in His spot and when He says I can talk to you again.

---------

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the beautiful day I got to spend with Josh, Karl, and others at the CNE today.  It was the last official day of summer for most people and it was so fun, I forgot about all my pain and struggles, at least for about 10 hours.  I really felt like you were making sure I was okay, because when it was pouring rain I just happened to be under an overhang, and right when I was walking out of the overhang the rain lessened so much that it wasn't even bad.

I got to see the Superdogs show which I really liked, and also an acrobatics show.  I really liked the black and white dog that liked to bite on the rope.  That one was really cute.

Dear Jesus, I am sorry for being unfaithful to you in the past.  I want to love you more from now on and listen to you very carefully.  Not just hear, but also listen, as in obey.  I know you want the best for me so I want to ask you to help me live my life in a way that is healthy and good.

Please help me heal from my past pain.  There was so much deep pain that my counselor and I talked about.  Just knowing about the sources of pain doesn't really help. I need You to actually heal me and I need to be willing to be healed.  I heard the healing process can be painful and slow.

Thanks for giving Cymone the words to encourage me.  She really knows how to listen to your voice.  She said that when she prayed for me she saw a picture of me walking with her through the process of healing.

I have many things to talk with you about and I know you will listen.  Please help me to listen to you too.  I love you Jesus

Yours, Martine

Where there is God, there is a way

After moving into my new place, I went to Jen's house for sharing and prayer.  I felt very supported by Karl, Jen, and Aaron during that time.  I know what I need to work on ... Aaron pointed out that I am so feelings oriented and always focused on what makes me happy or what makes others happy.  That has actually made me go all over the place in a mess.  What about doing what's right?  And doing what's right will in the end bring me to a constant joy that is not based on circumstances.

I feel better right now.  I know I haven't fully healed yet but I will. 

Here's to a new start.

Reopened wounds

I don't even know where to start with this one.  I don't even know if I can finish writing this post in 15 minutes (right now I just have some spare time before Karl and Aaron come to help me move my stuff to my new place).

The past few days have been kind of hard for me.  Reopened wounds.  Pastor Fiona, my dear mentor, came back from California and finally met up with me again on Wednesday.  I told her everything.  She was very concerned for me because turns out I never fully healed from the whole Christos thing, I just kind of covered up and moved on.  The most obvious sign was that three Fridays ago I met up with Christos and we kissed.  And we still text and if you analyze my texts you will see that I am still attached to him.

Pastor Fiona asked me, what if it was a younger teen who was sitting here and they told you the same story, what advice would you give them?  Obviously don't talk to the guy again, because he convinced you to do something that you didn't want to do (the sexual stuff).  Pastor Fiona puts it this way, that he took advantage of me.  Me being very forgiving I just forgave him and decided to keep being his friend.  But I do understand that keeping in touch with Christos isn't healthy for me.  He is not attached to me anymore (or maybe he is, I don't know) but I am attached to him and it is unhealthy for my mind and heart.

The pain is reopened.  I told my supervising pastor about it (the pastor at Charis church, my new job) after Pastor Fiona advised me to.  At first I thought if I told him what I did I would lose my job because I would be considered a bad example to young people.  But thank God, the pastor forgave me and still sees me as a good potential pastor.  However I was living paralyzed in fear for one day before I gave him the call and told him.  The reason why I had to tell him, is because a pastor or leader is supposed to live in integrity.

Now the question is how do I get over this guy.  I feel like part of me wants to hold on.  I already blocked him off facebook and he can't read my blog, and I stopped texting him back.  But one day I know he will show up at the church lifegroup again and I'll have to be strong, just say hi, and smile and I don't even know what's going to happen.  The original reason why I kept in touch with him was because I knew he would come back to church and I wanted him to become a Christian, so I wanted to stay friends with him so that it wouldn't be awkward.

I think back to all my counseling sessions.  The reasons are so complex why I got myself into this mess.  It has to do with so many factors.  My past with my parents' breaking up me and my boyfriends and me trying to fix the pain by filling it with another boyfriend, my dad's absence in my life, my own lack of self control and lack of boundaries, me being buried into ministry and not having a constant mentor or accountability partner to look up to, my lack of fun times with friends, my people-pleasing nature, my relationship with God not being steady and me not letting God heal me and pour His love and affection on me... so complicated.  But it all still comes down to me and my choices.  I made the choices in the end, Christos didn't.  He influenced me and other factors influenced me but I was being stupid.

I don't think I forgave myself really.  Even if I did before, now the guilt is back.

I am just thankful that God forgives and always gives another chance, no matter how gross or filthy my mistakes are.  I was afraid that all that I enjoy doing would be taken away but thank God that that is not the case.

Dear God,

Please help me to heal and get over Christos once and for all, and make me your lovesick Bride, make me lovesick for You Jesus, I'm sorry for my unfaithfulness, please forgive me and remove my guilt.  God make me joyful again and pure again.  Help me to live every day not in fear but out of love for You.  Make me a free woman in your grace, free from sin and free from attachment of the wrong things.  Help Christos too in whatever way You think best.  I feel like he won't understand why I blocked him and ignore him but I pray you keep me strong and if I shouldn't contact him then help me to be strong and self controlled.  May your will be done.  Thanks for loving me.

Martine

One of the most touching stories in the Bible

John 8

New International Version (NIV)

8 ¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

² At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Another new beginning

Today was the appreciation and farewell party for Lindsay, who was the Youth Worker at Charis Evangelical Free Church for the past year.  He is an amazing guy, honestly I really admire his heart for God and I can see the fruit of his teaching in the youth's hearts.  Starting next Sunday I officially start as the Youth Pastoral Intern at this church and Lindsay will be taking a break.  I am very happy to have found this church where I can serve and the hearts of the youth are so open to learn and they are all pretty easy to get along with.

At Charis I will be in charge of the youth fellowship, preaching, and Sunday school.  That is actually a lot to take care of but I will pray for God's guidance and I already found some possible good curriculum that I can use.  I'm excited to teach teens because I've been teaching children for 10 years and I really wanted to move on to impacting youth for Christ.

Another new beginning coming up is me moving out next weekend.  Yes, I have to pay my own rent and cook for myself.  I have to learn to live on my own.  Thank God that many people have donated materials to me so I don't need to buy too much new stuff for my new place.  I just hope that I don't offend my landlady in any way and that I will budget wisely.  I know my mom will probably call me every day because she will still be overprotective... I mean today I was at church for dinner and she thought since I didn't answer my phone that I fainted on the street.  Sheesh!

Also Gloria and I are starting the Sounds of Hope music and poetry club at Chester Le in Sept.  Yes, I will be crazy busy because we are going to run Sounds of Hope twice a week, once for kids and once for teens.  Hopefully we get more help so that I won't need to organize so much.  I'll have to work really hard this upcoming term in order to finish all my school assignments and all that.

Anyways overall I am excited... just pray that I don't burn out but instead spend lots of time in prayer and the Word to replenish energy and be joyful all the time!

beautiful songs that reflects my heart for Jesus

Feeling much much much better

Dear friends,

I went through a dark time earlier this week, but thank God Tues. night I talked to Ada and Jen, and slept, and the next day (wed) I felt pretty much back to normal.  I also decided to quit the Tyndale student council, because I felt it wasn't right for me to do "God's work" but not have enough time to spend with God.  (ironic!)

So instead of going to the Tyndale student council meeting today, I submitted my resignation and instead went to the gym, submitted my osap documents, and went to the Lovesick conference.

The Lovesick conference was deeply meaningful. The conference had a goal of bringing people back to being in love with Jesus, spending quality time with Him instead of being busily distracted by life's craziness.  We sang a lot, prayed, and listened to a message.  You have to be there to know what I'm talking about.  During the singing and musical worship, I felt as if I was getting a glimpse of heavenly sounds, I closed my eyes and saw Jesus there, holding my hand at the altar and inviting me to be his bride.  I felt very close to Jesus again, and I was joyful.  I swayed to the music, as if I was dancing with him.  You may think I'm crazy but it was a wonderful experience.

I asked Jesus to help me love him more and not get distracted by guys anymore.  I told him I wanted to commit myself totally to him and really live out what my purity ring and Jesus engagement ring really mean.  I told him I needed his help to stay focused on him and to be a single woman after God's own heart.

Tonight's message was about how loving God isn't about a feeling, it's about obeying his commands.  You can't say you love God truly if you don't obey, for example if you have not forgiven someone but you do a lot of church work, you aren't really loving God on His terms, because you are just doing work, you didn't even follow the command of forgiving someone.

Tomorrow I plan to go again to the evening session.  The topic is supposed to be "Spiritual violence" so we'll see what they have to say, should be interesting. I'll let you guys know what I learn. :)

Thanks to those who prayed for me and thought of me.  It really helps.  :)  Take care everyone and God bless you :)

Letter to myself

Dear Martine,

You're in a lot of pain.  You're just denying it.  You are trying to cover the pain by being busy, going everywhere, helping others, spending time with friends, but you are not addressing the real issue here.  You are sad.  You miss Alana and you regret not seeing her before she left for her heavenly home.  You also regret not seeing Mr. Kumar at the hospital, because you thought he would get better but he ended up in a fatal coma.

You are lonely.  Once again, you feel like as a leader you need to be strong for others, and you are reaching out to others but not getting the comfort you need from friends.  You text people, asking for prayers, you write vague comments on facebook that hints at your pain, but no one notices.  Only a few do, actually, and even then they are not too sure how to help you because you are hiding your pain, you don't know how to express it so that they can help.

You regret not being there at 4 of your friends' funerals this year.  One after the other, you feel like someone else is going to die soon and who is next?  You want to spend time with your family because they might die soon too, who knows.  But once again work gets in the way and you skipped out on the family trip yesterday and today.

Last Friday you hung onto Christos for comfort once again.  It seemed like he was the only one who texted back saying at least something about the loss of your friends.  Thuy cheered you up on Thursday and the Chester Le event cheered you up on Saturday, but Sunday the pain returned.

You need to cry.  Don't hold it in.  You need to grieve.

I think you're scared to grieve because you feel like you need to be strong and be there for everybody.  It's ok to be weak.  It's OK to feel sad.  Don't try to go for quick fixes again by going to guys.  It's only going to leave you more empty.

You made the right decision to quit the Tyndale student council.  You need time off.

Stop eating junk food to numb the pain.  You are just going to make yourself unhealthy.  Remember how Jesus dealt with his pain? He wept and he prayed.

So please Martine, don't be afraid to cry it out, as much as you want.  Pray to God and tell Him honestly how you feel.

Tired

Eyes tired from crying, brain and body tired from lack of sleep
Seems like work has no end, wish I didn't have to tutor
Outreach and church is keeping me happy and going
but at the same time it ironically takes time away from
personal time with Jesus

I want to eat junk food, to make myself feel better
I want to quit the gym, I'm too busy to go anyway
Many commitments left hanging
such as promises to meet up with certain friends

Such a morbid thought but what if I died today?
Would I be able to leave it all behind
or would there be friends left hanging and questions unanswered?
Tired. Tired. Tired.