Reopened wounds

I don't even know where to start with this one.  I don't even know if I can finish writing this post in 15 minutes (right now I just have some spare time before Karl and Aaron come to help me move my stuff to my new place).

The past few days have been kind of hard for me.  Reopened wounds.  Pastor Fiona, my dear mentor, came back from California and finally met up with me again on Wednesday.  I told her everything.  She was very concerned for me because turns out I never fully healed from the whole Christos thing, I just kind of covered up and moved on.  The most obvious sign was that three Fridays ago I met up with Christos and we kissed.  And we still text and if you analyze my texts you will see that I am still attached to him.

Pastor Fiona asked me, what if it was a younger teen who was sitting here and they told you the same story, what advice would you give them?  Obviously don't talk to the guy again, because he convinced you to do something that you didn't want to do (the sexual stuff).  Pastor Fiona puts it this way, that he took advantage of me.  Me being very forgiving I just forgave him and decided to keep being his friend.  But I do understand that keeping in touch with Christos isn't healthy for me.  He is not attached to me anymore (or maybe he is, I don't know) but I am attached to him and it is unhealthy for my mind and heart.

The pain is reopened.  I told my supervising pastor about it (the pastor at Charis church, my new job) after Pastor Fiona advised me to.  At first I thought if I told him what I did I would lose my job because I would be considered a bad example to young people.  But thank God, the pastor forgave me and still sees me as a good potential pastor.  However I was living paralyzed in fear for one day before I gave him the call and told him.  The reason why I had to tell him, is because a pastor or leader is supposed to live in integrity.

Now the question is how do I get over this guy.  I feel like part of me wants to hold on.  I already blocked him off facebook and he can't read my blog, and I stopped texting him back.  But one day I know he will show up at the church lifegroup again and I'll have to be strong, just say hi, and smile and I don't even know what's going to happen.  The original reason why I kept in touch with him was because I knew he would come back to church and I wanted him to become a Christian, so I wanted to stay friends with him so that it wouldn't be awkward.

I think back to all my counseling sessions.  The reasons are so complex why I got myself into this mess.  It has to do with so many factors.  My past with my parents' breaking up me and my boyfriends and me trying to fix the pain by filling it with another boyfriend, my dad's absence in my life, my own lack of self control and lack of boundaries, me being buried into ministry and not having a constant mentor or accountability partner to look up to, my lack of fun times with friends, my people-pleasing nature, my relationship with God not being steady and me not letting God heal me and pour His love and affection on me... so complicated.  But it all still comes down to me and my choices.  I made the choices in the end, Christos didn't.  He influenced me and other factors influenced me but I was being stupid.

I don't think I forgave myself really.  Even if I did before, now the guilt is back.

I am just thankful that God forgives and always gives another chance, no matter how gross or filthy my mistakes are.  I was afraid that all that I enjoy doing would be taken away but thank God that that is not the case.

Dear God,

Please help me to heal and get over Christos once and for all, and make me your lovesick Bride, make me lovesick for You Jesus, I'm sorry for my unfaithfulness, please forgive me and remove my guilt.  God make me joyful again and pure again.  Help me to live every day not in fear but out of love for You.  Make me a free woman in your grace, free from sin and free from attachment of the wrong things.  Help Christos too in whatever way You think best.  I feel like he won't understand why I blocked him and ignore him but I pray you keep me strong and if I shouldn't contact him then help me to be strong and self controlled.  May your will be done.  Thanks for loving me.

Martine