Nice song and nice quotes :)

Love is always a rough road...


Just look at what drove Jesus to die on the cross for us... it was love.

My soul is free

In Jesus, I am free
In Jesus, I am loved
In Jesus, I am whole
Jesus broke the chains, I'm His forever

In Jesus, I find peace
In Jesus, I find comfort
In Jesus, I find myself
Jesus' sacrifice healed my wounds

God I want to give everything to You
Your will be done in me
Your will be done in my family
in my relationships
God I praise You because You are Great
Thank You for making me Yours

After talking with Rita

Today I was blessed to have the chance to talk and pray with my mentor Rita.  I think I haven't seen her for two months because this was the first time I told her about Christos.  Rita didn't rebuke me, she didn't pressure me, but she gave me her opinion.  She told me that my perspective on dating has changed since the last time I talked with her.  Of course in Jan. I was still thinking about dating Selig so I wanted a guy who would be in Montreal in the future.  I wanted someone who was really close with God and someone who is good at evangelism.

Rita said that it's my choice but she thinks that in my head I know what's the right thing to do theoretically (honor parents, choose a guy who is more suitable) but right now I am following my heart and emotions.  I agree with her.  She said that Christos is not the most suitable guy for me for marriage.  I already knew that.  She understands though, because in the past she dated a non christian guy and they broke up and got back together again but eventually broke up.  Not that Christos is a non Christian but she is using it as an analogy.

I told her that part of me hopes that Christos will change so that he would become a more suitable marriage partner but it would take a lot for him to change so I am not going to count on it.  I told her that both me and Christos know that as of right now, this relationship is a short term relationship.

Talking with Rita did not give me any pressure, which I liked, because I want to think for myself.  After I got home, I started thinking about the relationship again.   Because Rita says she thinks that I went into the relationship because parents and friends were giving me pressure and Christos was where I could find positivity, affirmation, and comfort.  I agree with her.  I do find all those things in Christos.

But what I am questioning now is... does that mean I'm using Christos as a crutch? Sure, I am not using him to fill a hole that Tommy left per se but yeah I am looking to him for affirmation and positivity.  It's a role that God is supposed to fill and I have been telling myself during this time that God was giving me all that THROUGH Christos.  But doesn't that mean that Christos is a crutch that I'm leaning on?

Thinking about this further, if I leaned on God alone rather than Christos, would that mean that God is my crutch?  I'm thinking aloud here.  Some non Christians would say that Christians hold onto God as a crutch.  I disagree with that. God is the ultimate source of strength, so if He is a crutch then He is a Thousand Foot Crutch (like the christian band is named).  God is more like a pillar, not a crutch.

But maybe I am using Christos as a crutch to walk to the pillar???

As I said, I am thinking aloud as I write this.  Is it wrong to depend on someone for love and affirmation?  We all need love and affirmation from people, not just God, right?  But would I get stronger if I threw away the Christos crutch?  Or would I just fall down???

If Christos is a crutch, for the sake of metaphor, then he is a willing crutch.  He wants to be there for me.  On one hand, he is not making me get any closer to God because he himself is not closer to God than me.  But he doesn't hinder me from God either, he encourages me and wants to come to church and stuff.  So ideally he is not the best husband because he is not making me grow but shouldn't growth come from within anyways?  He is encouraging the growth although he is not really doing anything to further the growth.  Like a moral support.  He doesn't replace God in my life.

Well how about me in relation to Christos?  I think you could say that I am his crutch too then.  Cuz I'm the one who is helping him become a better Christian, he said this himself.  He said that he is becoming more protestant and he finds himself much happier after being with me.  He told me I am the first real Christian girl he ever dated and he loves me more than anyone else in this world.  He told me that I was the best girlfriend so far and he has never been happier in his entire life.  Is that supposed to mean something?

Christos said that if I hypothetically met a good Christian guy who was Chinese and wanted to become a pastor in Montreal, and if that guy asked me out, Christos would let me go if that other guy was what I really wanted.  Christos said he wants me to pursue my dream and he wouldn't make me stay in Toronto just so that I could be with him.  Christos is not selfish like that.

I just wonder though, if that hypothetical good chinese christian montreal guy would find it weird that I dated Christos for a short term relationship.  As Andrew Chao said, would that hurt the guy, that I dated Christos?  So complicated.  I don't know.  All I know is that if I break up with Christos now, it hurts me and Christos.  I don't know who the heck the hypothetical guy is going to be and it's hard to imagine hurting an imaginary guy that I don't know.  I'm not trying to be mean but if I don't know who my future husband is, I am not trying to hurt him, I am just making a choice that I feel is right for me right now.

What Karen the counselor said still gives me some hope.  She said we don't know what will happen in the future and Christos might end up growing more and wanting to go to Montreal for all I know.  Its a stretch but it does give me hope.  Am I wrong to hope like this?  It's only been about 2 months and I still got 3 years before I graduate.  Is it really that bad to date someone of a lower spiritual level than me?  He's not like Adrian pressuring me into sex and whatever, and I am more mature now, I can stand strong on boundaries and grow spiritually.

God, please give me wisdom.  I don't want to pray for direction and then not be willing to move.  And if You really want me to break up with Christos one day I want You to be the main voice telling me what to do, and I want You to make it a peaceful breakup, like I would want both me and Christos to be at peace with it.  Only You can be my judge.  I don't want to lie to my parents but I feel like this is a choice that I have to hide at the moment in order to live a happy life.  I'm sorry.

we can learn to love again

This really spoke to me

Psalm 25

A psalm of David.

¹ O Lord, I give my life to you.
²     I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
    or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
³ No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
    but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

⁴ Show me the right path, O Lord;
    point out the road for me to follow.
⁵ Lead me by your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God who saves me.
    All day long I put my hope in you.
⁶ Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
    which you have shown from long ages past.
⁷ Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
    Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
    for you are merciful, O Lord.

⁸ The Lord is good and does what is right;
    he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
⁹ He leads the humble in doing right,
    teaching them his way.
¹⁰ The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
    all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.

¹¹ For the honor of your name, O Lord,
    forgive my many, many sins.
¹² Who are those who fear the Lord?
    He will show them the path they should choose.
¹³ They will live in prosperity,
    and their children will inherit the land.
¹⁴ The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
    He teaches them his covenant.
¹⁵ My eyes are always on the Lord,
    for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress.
¹⁷ My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all!
¹⁸ Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins.
¹⁹ See how many enemies I have
    and how viciously they hate me!
²⁰ Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
    Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
²¹ May integrity and honesty protect me,
    for I put my hope in you.

²² O God, ransom Israel
    from all its troubles.

Rejoice, Martine :)

Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.

Zechariah 9:9
--------------------------

After Christos came back into my life, I felt so happy and free again.  Being with him makes me happy and free and it makes me want to serve God even more as a result.  Sometimes you have to make a decision.  Who are you going to listen to? Who are you going to serve?  What makes God happier?

For me, I never got any sign from God that I should break up with Christos. It was always people's opinions and pressures.  They mean well, but they don't know how I feel.  And I feel that being with Christos right now serves God.  I am not missionary dating.  He is already Christian.  But I am bringing him to church which serves God and he supports me in my mission even though he is not going there.

I need to rejoice.  I don't need to be perfect even though I am striving to be, but God wants me to be joyful and thankful.  God doesn't want me to enter into sin but He knows what is good for me and I will follow what makes me follow Him.  Hard to explain but it makes sense in my mind.

Christos loves me. I feel the love of God flow through him.  And I am not in this relationship because I am selfish or trying to fill a hole in my heart.  enough of that.  I am just wanting to love him and love God.  I'll let God tell me what to do with my life.

I am good because God helped me be good.  I am beautiful because God loves me and made me.  I don't need criticism. I just need encouragement.

How do you know you really love someone?

People say, YOU JUST KNOW.  Well you know what??? NO YOU DON'T.

There is such a thing as a crush, an infatuation, attraction, idealization, a love of oneself, a love for attention, a rebound, a psychological traumatic fear turned into love, reciprocal love, and just plain confusion.

You need to really THINK and ANALYSE to figure out if you really loved someone.

Let me analyze...

JEFF (gr. 8-10)-- I would say that I really loved Jeff.  First it started out as friendship love, then became crush, then became romantic love.  I wanted to marry him.  He had qualities that I liked.  But somehow I didn't know HOW to love, because he was my first love and I didn't have the right communication skills.  Long story short, I knew I loved him because it took me three years to get over him.  Three years later when I was in the hospital, he was the first person I wanted to visit me.

JONG (1st year university, 2nd semester)-- I never REALLY dated Jong but I considered it a romantic relationship because it took me a long time to get over him too.  I would say it was attraction and idealization.  I thought he was the one because he was a good christian or so it seemed.  I fell for him, but I really didn't know him that well.  So I would say it wasn't truly love either.

LEWIS (summer after Jong)-- rebound and attraction.  Nuff said.  It didn't hurt me at all after I broke it off.  I knew he wasn't worth it, he was just an easy target as I was trying to get over Jong.

ROSCOE (Christmas after Lewis til the following spring) -- Psychological traumatic fear turned into love.  He was a criminal for horror's sake and he did something horrible.  I had pity on him and talked with him.  I was fearful and psychologically turned the fear into love.  I was going crazy. I didn't really love him. 

ADRIAN (summer after Roscoe til the following summer) -- He was a friend since gr. 8 and I missed him because he cut off contact for one year.  I missed him so much that I decided to write him a card telling him I loved him.  So really I loved him deeply as a friend, not as a lover, at least at first.  Then because he asked me out I felt reciprocal love and decided to return his love.  Slowly I sort of fell in love but not completely because I remember during my dating time with Adrian I considered dating Ronson instead.  And with Adrian I know I made love with him but that was more out of lust and pleasing him and getting sucked into his dirty world.  It hurt like hell afterwards because of the sexual connection so I guess you could say I did love him but at the same time it was not perfect love.

TOMMY (around 2 years after I broke up with Adrian) -- idealization and reciprocal love, I barely knew him, I just knew he liked me and he was in Montreal so I thought it would fit with my future mission.  After the breakup I became devastated and sad but I think it was more because of how he treated me after the breakup and the fact that my parents broke it off.  And that my idealization was crushed.

CHRISTOS (right now) -- first I got attracted to him because of lust, then as I got to know him I admired him and liked certain qualities.  But I didn't really know him that well so I actually started the relationship with him based on the fact that I was hyper.  Then as time progressed I started having doubts whether this was the right thing and finally my parents broke it off.  Then after the breakup I realized I actually did love him and wanted to be with him and it was not idealization because actually he did not want to go to Montreal.  We got back together quickly and I loved hm more than before, this time for who he really was, his character and how he treated me.  I question myself whether it was love for attention but I actually really love who he is as well, not just the attention.  Then because of peer pressure and pressure from family I broke it off again.  This time I was more depresed than the first breakup and I realized I can't live without him, at least I need him to be my friend.  That's what showed me I really loved him.

Idealization may make me tempted to look elsewhere.  But now it seems clear to me who I really loved.

I don't say this enough...

I LOVE YOU, JESUS!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Only God will understand

Feelings and memories

I actually debated whether I should write this post... I mean, I already started a habit of blogging more than once a day, which is a lot compared to in the past... Also, it risks to be a very sentimental post.

After Preaching class today, Bill drove me home in the snow.  I still remember that night when me, Christos, Gloria, William, and Chris went out to see that movie about the mafia and the truck driving (seriously I don't even remember the movie title) and when it was time to come home it was really snowing and the road signs were even covered with snow.  We managed to get to my house by 11:30pm which was my curfew and I said good night, gave a kiss or two (I think it was two) and left.  Anyways, driving home in the snow with Bill reminded me of that.

Bill is a nice man.  He is middle aged and he said if my parents didn't want me, he and his wife would adopt me.  He shared with me stories about his life and how God saved him and his wife.  Saved as in like salvation, like you know, converted and became Christian.  Anyways it gave me hope that God would convict my dad and that he would also become Christian just like Christ changed Bill and his wife.

When I got home I offered to shovel the snow and as I was shoveling I remembered how Christos would often go to his dad's place and help him shovel the snow.  I also remembered how Christos helped a woman who was stuck with a flat tire on the highway.  He took his spare tire, gave it to the woman and helped her put it on.  And at that time we were still together so I texted Christos telling him to tell that woman that I said hi.  He did and the woman said he should hurry on and come to see me.

Our time was short but I treasured every moment of it.  Christos was a godly man.  I told my friend Peggy that although Christos was not spiritual, he was godly.  It is not a paradox.  He displays the characteristics of a godly man, like he is forgiving, generous, kind, sweet, all around loving and willing to bear with anything.  He is strong, both in his heart and in strength, he is accepting, supportive, caring... as I write this a tear rolls down my cheek.  I miss him.

Where did I go wrong?  Is he thinking of me?

After the counseling appointment

I talked with Karen the counselor and it sort of helped me to think about things.  I told her how I have trouble making my own decisions, I always look for others' opinions and especially my parents' opinions influence me a lot.  Living in a controlled environment at home makes me feel like a submissive dog, that's what I told her.  She said that I need to respect my parents while being assertive and that means repeating myself multiple times.

I want to eventually be friends with Christos again but I feel right now is not the time.  I need to let both of us cool down and also I need to be asserting myself to my family.  I mean, my mom, after I repeated myself several times, she said I could contact Christos but not see him so at least that's better than no contact.  But with my dad I was scared and I was like a submissive dog and I couldn't bring myself to assert myself to him saying I want to be Christos' friend because I felt like I hurt my dad too much in the past and if I try to assert myself he will think I'm rebelling and then he will call me a hypocritical Christian and all that.

I need to work on boundaries, and I should read the Boundaries book as soon as I can, like seriously my life is becoming so controlled it's like I am not in charge of my own life anymore, I am barely surviving just doing what everyone expects me to do.  Right now the decision to not contact Christos is my own, though, because I feel that if I am friends with him right now he will want to get back with me.

But something Karen the counselor said made me have a little hope.  She said when she married her husband, he was a drummer and then after they got married somehow he ended up in Bible college and became a pastor.  So you don't know what's going to happen in the future and I can't just write off Christos even though he says he is not going to Montreal.  Yes, it gives me a little bit of hope that I can still be with him long term but right now I am not counting on it because I can't force Christos to come to Montreal and I don't want him to do so just because of me.  First of all I am hoping that he can build his faith in Christ... but for that I'm thinking it would be good if he came to church... but for that I would have to see him... would it be bad if I saw him only at church?

Karen said if I am friends with Christos I need to make boundaries like for example don't talk every day, lets say only three times a week, don't hug, don't talk about personal feelings, etc.  I want him to come to church but I don't want him to come to church just to see me or end up having hurt feelings because he can't have me.  You know what I mean?

My prayer for Christos

Dear God,

After watching Charis' video for the second time, I felt I could relate to a lot of what she said.  Many times in my life I tried to find satisfaction and love in guys and it led me to mess after mess.  You were there through it all just waiting for me to turn to You first for complete satisfaction and never-ending love.  You patiently waited for me to stop being so impatient, jumping into relationship after relationship.  I didn't do a great job at all in terms of waiting, but You never stopped loving me even though You had every right to say, "I told you so".  You always wrapped Your arms around me after every breakup and hugged me tight, and helped me to get back on my feet.  You always gave me another chance to start my life again, free from my past.

After watching her video, I feel that I need to shift my perspective and pray a selfless prayer for Christos.  No longer will I pray that I can be with him, because maybe that is not Your will.  Instead, I will pray for the best of Your blessing upon him.

God, You know I love Christos, but he is not mine, he is Yours. You knew him before he was born.  You know him best.  You want the best for him.  So I need to learn to love him with Your kind of love, and that might just mean praying that Your will be done, even if that means I will not be with him.

God, I pray for Christos first of all that he comes to know You deeply and personally.  Let him feel Your love surround him.  Help him to understand Your forgiveness, grace, and sacrifice.  Help him to develop a close relationship with You.  Help Christos to know the truth from Your Word, and walk with You each day.  Transform his prayer life, help him to become a strong man of God.  I know this will be for his own good.

Secondly, I pray that if it is Your will, that You provide the right woman in his life that will love him more than what I am able to.  I pray that You help him find a godly woman who is just right for him and will be the right match for him.  Help him to find this woman at the right time, and help him to be able to grow together with this woman, and that together, their dreams would come true and can be shared.

I pray that Christos can let me go, because it would be selfish of me to want to hold onto him and want him to hold onto me.  I pray that Christos can completely let me go and learn to hold onto You first as the One who loves him most.  I pray that Christos can let go also of any resentment against my parents or friends, if there is any.  I pray that he can let go of any anger or bitterness towards anyone in general, whether it is You, or other people.

If there is any anger left, I pray that You make it a righteous anger, which means, anger towards sin.  I pray that Christos will no longer have the feeling of wrath, but have the power of the transformative Holy Spirit within him that breaks more of Satan's barriers than a sword can.  I pray that Christos can become stronger in faith and stronger in Your love.

I pray the best for Christos.  While I'm at it, I pray the best for all the guys I ever loved.  I pray that all of them will follow Your perfect will, because Your plans are always the best, and You know each step before we take it.  Direct our paths, Lord, and help us to walk with You.

God, thank You for bringing Christos in my life.  In many ways I felt Your love when I was with him.  But I know now that I must learn to stand on my own, and cling onto You directly, not through a guy.  I need to learn to be free without having to use a guy as a means of freedom.  And I don't know if this is Your will or not God, but if You want, I pray that Christos can read this and know that I still really, really care about him.  I will never stop caring about him, and I will learn to love him in a different way from now on.  I will learn to love him the way You want me to love him, not as I want.  God, please guide us.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBdmpvPa73g&feature=share&list=LL_s6SdryOGjTzazMqW0QFTA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAeDwQXI2fQ&feature=share&list=LL_s6SdryOGjTzazMqW0QFTA

Jesus reaches out His hand

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
 Matthew 11:28

Il te tend la main ("He reaches out his hand to you")

by Luc Dumont (translation by Martine)

Even though for a long time,
You refused to talk to Him
Jesus knows how you feel
He is still ready to start again

Even if thousands of times
His gaze you avoided
Anguished, torn, tormented,
Living in guilt

CHORUS:
He reaches out his hand to you once again
Opens up a path to you, gives you the choice,
He reaches out his hand to you once again,
Jesus would love to hold you in his arms,
He reaches out his hand to you once again,
Jesus would love to help you restart your faith


Even if you have rejected
this tender voice that never ceases to call
This voice can still direct you
Whisper to your ear that you are forgiven

Do not worry for tomorrow
He holds in His hand the key to your destiny
Let Him show His greatness
He will fill the void in your heart with love.

---------------------------------------------------------


The past few days have been very difficult for me.  Many things were going through my mind, it was really hard even to pray.  My heart was heavy, I was extremely depressed.  I lost motivation in everything, wanted to quit school, quit church ministry, quit everything, quit life.  I was down on myself because I knew I messed up.  I wanted to cry but I felt like no tears came, probably because the bipolar medicine numbed me.  It was hard to take care of the kids at church, I had to try to force myself to stop thinking and just focus on the task at hand.

To make a long story short, today Ying encouraged me to spend some time with God.  When I got home after church I was still depressed but something told me to listen to my CD.  I knelt down on my knees beside my bed and just listened to the CD.  I started crying and imagining myself holding onto Christos. I really wished that I could still be with him. Then, slowly, I let go, and I imagined myself holding on to Jesus.  Jesus clung onto me tightly.  I had to let go of Christos to hold on to Jesus.  And I felt Jesus comforting me.

Throughout this whole thing, I think I was depressed because I had trouble forgiving myself and I also was focusing on my wrongdoing instead of focusing on Jesus. I was living in guilt and regret.  But Jesus wants to set us free.  Jesus wants us to live in freedom, in His love.  I am forgiven.  It's time I start to live again like a free person.

I know Christos thinks I didn't do anything wrong but I know I did.  If I was more self-controlled, didnt stay out with him until 3am, and didnt tell him that I liked him, then none of this would have happened, I would have still been able to hang out with him as a friend.  Its not even my parents fault, its my fault.  Its not just the 3am thing and starting the relationship that is the problem.  I was selfish, I wasnt thinking of the long term consequences of starting the relationship.  I did it because I was happy.  I was just thinking about my happiness.  That was selfish.

True freedom is found in Jesus Christ.  But over and over again, in my life I had tried to find the freedom through boyfriends.  Christos has a lot of good qualities, but since we cannot marry each other, it is wrong to have a short term relationship.  In the end we would have to break up anyway and it would hurt more if we had that intimacy.  I mean, just look at the hurt I caused now.  If we dated even longer, it would hurt even more in the end.  The best thing would have been just to stay friends.

But right now because of what I've done we can't even be friends.  Even being friends would hurt because we would want the other person so badly and have to act like normal friends even though that is not how we feel.

My dad made me promise not to contact him again.  My mom said I could contact him but not see him for another year.  But I am making my own decision too not to contact him.  I can't hurt him anymore.  I can't keep on giving him hope that we could get back together.  It hurts not being able to talk to him even as a friend, and I know it hurts him too, but it would hurt more if I kept on talking to him and giving him hope that we could get back together.

I really want for Christos to get a closer relationship with Jesus.  That is my greatest wish for him.  I really hope he can come to church, but only if it doesn't make him more sad to see me.  I am conflicted.  On one hand I feel it is best that I don't see him so that we can both get over each other, but on the other hand I want him to come to church.  May God's will be done... I'll leave it in God's hands.

I also leave in God's hands the future, whether we can end up friends again.  I also leave in God's hands my future.  I have made many plans that have failed (turns out I'm not qualified for summer intern position for outreach at Grace, so I don't know what to do anymore).

I leave Christos in God's hands.  I know that He will take good care of him.

And I gotta trust God, that I can carry on my studies, my responsibilities, with my relationship with my family and everything else...

I got to let God's love fill the void in my heart.

I will start again.  I will put my hope in God.

In a desert land he found him,
    in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
    he guarded him as the apple of his eye

Deuteronomy 32:10

Lord please redeem the mess I've made

God, I give you full control of my life right now
Forgive me of my sin
I need you to redeem the mess I've made
Repair hearts
Bring about reconciliation
May Your will be done

I am going through a very dark time right now

Hey everyone,

I am going through a very dark time right now.  My heart is filled with regret, feeling ashamed of myself, unconfident, discouraged, and not wanting to do anything anymore.  I don't know how I will go on.  Joy has been completely sucked away from me.  I don't know how I will manage with the kids tonight because I don't have anything prepared and most of all my heart is not prepared.  I cannot lead others if I cannot lead myself.  I feel like quitting everything.  Quitting school, quitting ministry, quitting life.  I'm sorry to make you guys feel depressed but this is just how I feel.

I still love Christos but last night I told him I can't see him anymore.  I felt like in order to repair the relationship between me and my parents I had to make a decision that I was not happy with.  It was either him or my parents and I knew I wasn't going to be happy either way.  But I had to do it because I couldn't live a lie and push my dad even farther away from God.  I should never have started the relationship to begin with, because if I didn't start it at least right now we could still be friends.  I deeply regret my actions.

If I knew how to self-control, and manage my bipolar, none of this would have ever happened.  When I'm manic I don't care about anything cuz I'm happy.  That's why I started the relationship, both times, because when I'm manic I feel like I am making the right decision and I'm happy about it, I don't care.  But when reality hits I feel like I made the wrong decision and I feel like I have to break up to save my relationship with my family.

There is no turning back.  Even though I want to be with Christos I cannot do this to him back and forth hurting him like this.  I've already made a mess and I can't keep doing this to him.  Ideally we would be friends at least but both me and my mom knows that if I try to be just friends I will eventually become his girlfriend again because I love him.  So it's better to cut off all contact.

I'm not happy.  I really am not.  I deserve some kind of punishment.  Christos doesn't deserve this. 

Give me a new heart

I don't like letting people down

Dear God,

I realized I really don't want to let people down.  There have been great things that have been happening on this missions trip but today I felt bad because I made Willy and Angela the missionaries wake up super early, like 6am, in order to drive Meka and Gloria to the train station, and then tonight I was at Chinatown with Jean Renel and Roodens and I was supposed to be at Vendome station by 9:30pm but Tommy was supposed to join us and he went to the wrong station.  So we had to drive around crazy downtown with all the one way streets and Jean Renel didn't know his way so we went around basically in circles trying to get to Tommy and Tommy wanted to get his other friend too.  This made me late for meeting Angela at Vendome and I think she was upset although she didn't show it.  But I feel like she was upset.  I mean waking up early and sleeping late is not good for missionaries because lack of sleep makes them less able to function well.  Willy when I got home said with a smile "you seem to be good at being late".  I felt bad.  I mean, if I had taken the metro instead of going around in Jean Renel's car, then it would have been fine.  Really I want to blame it all on Tommy.  Tommy didn't really talk to me much anyways, what was the point of him meeting with me?  And he never told me that Justin had to come, like what the heck.

This morning my sister was talking to me on facebook and she just had to remind me that I ruined her life while I ruin mine.  She said it in those words.  She encouraged me to spend more time at home and have dinner with my dad because apparently it breaks his heart the less I come home.  I told her when I'm home he doesn't talk to me anyway so what's the point.  But she said remember when mom and dad didnt' talk for a year but they still ate together so it shows at least they are committed to each other.  I said I'll try then.

This whole thing with Meka was unexpected.  I wanted to help her but really she made it annoying because I had to wake up Angela in the middle of Friday night to ask if it was OK for her to come stay with us.  And she doesn't have money so the thing is I had to pay for her taxi and pay for her stay here although Gloria said she would pay me back for the stay.  I am a generous person normally but it's not the money I'm really concerned about it's more waking up Angela in the middle of the night and giving her unexpected things to deal with.  I think Angela was actually upset at it too even though she is really nice and all but British people are known to hide their true emotions.

I wish someone was here for me to talk to.  Gloria's gone and it's late, there is no one to talk to.

I'm sorry God, I know You're here, but somehow I feel it's hard to talk to you right now.  My feelings are sort of taking over and I feel like there is so much in my heart.  My mind is a mess and I feel like I'm going down.  I feel like making a list of all the wrong things I've done, but I don't know what is the point in all that, I feel like it's going to make me more depressed.  Because You keep no record of wrongs, right?  I hope Angela and Willy will forgive me.

I'm starting to think that I'm sad and afraid because my family is already disappointed in me, and I fear that my spiritual parents (Willy and Angela) will be the same.  I'm so used to being reprimanded, being reminded of my wrongs.  I am so used to being the disgrace of the family, being told that I'm not worthy to be a pastor or Christian.  I kind of know that God would accept me, but I feel like sometimes with what my parents say, I feel like if everyone knew the real me, they would be disappointed in me too.  And God? I don't know.  He might be disappointed in me too.  If I were Him, I would.  But that's just me talking, not God talking.  I am not in my right mind right now.

Suffering

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;  in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;  in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;  in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left;  through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors;  known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed;  sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

2 Cor. 6:4-10
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I have been writing in my Quebec journal the things that I have been learning and experiencing over the past few days.  But here now is something that I must blog rather than write in my little journal or post on facebook or send an email about.  It's about my new friend Meka.

I don't know for sure what happened, but Gloria's friend Meka from Brampton came to Montreal to get money for her rent.  How, I don't know for sure.  I don't judge her, but from the moment she got off the bus Gloria and I were worried about her because she was going with a guy she didn't know.

The guy ditched her and she stayed at Tim Hortons for like 6 hours having anxiety attacks.  Gloria and I had asked her many times whether she wanted to stay with us at the missionary house instead but she didn't agree to it til like 1am when she was at her wit's end.

I woke up Angela and she was gracious about it and allowed Meka to come sleep with us.  But I had to pay for her taxi from Montreal West area all the way to Ile Perrot and with a generous tip I basically paid $110. 

This though is a small sacrifice because at least she was safe and at least she would not be harmed and have a place to sleep.  I only pray that God would touch her life through all this.  She seemed not completely open to share but she shared a bit and I prayed with her before I went to sleep which was like around 3:30am.  Right now it is around 7:30am and yes I am lacking major sleep  but that's OK.

The Bible verse I put at the beginning shows that suffering for Jesus is worth it. You might not like sleepless nights but if it helps someone then praise the Lord.  You might not like beatings but if you are taking the beating for Christ, you will have your reward in heaven (dont worry i didnt get beaten)
You get the idea.

I got the call to full time ministry in March 2006.  After I got called, look at all the crap I have been through: bipolar disorder, period problem, breakups, family stuff, etc.

But it was worth it, it made me a stronger person and a more down to earth able to relate to people kind of person.  By the way did I tell you I want to write a book about how bipolar disorder was used by God to change my life?

Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow, but don't let anyone tear them away, hold on, there will be tomorrow, in time, you'll find the way... (from Hero by Mariah Carey)

God knows what you are going through.  It is not an accident.  You may not see the full picture now but later on you will understand. May God guide you through your trials and pain, and may you become better out of it, and not bitter.  :)

It was God's plan after all...

Dear God,

Thank You for speaking to me today.  I am amazed at how You work.

When I first prayed about Christos, You told me that it was part of your plan.  Now, I still have doubts that maybe I am still too hyper right now and thinking things that are not true, but for NOW...

I know that this whole fiasco with my parents making me break up with him was part of Your plan...

because after the breakup I realized how much Christos loved me.  Unlike other boyfriends, he was not angry at me or my parents, but angry at You for taking me away from him.  It shows how much he loved me.  He also was friends with me quickly the next day and had no hard feelings.  Then we hung out on Friday and we were perfectly fine again like normal friends, even gave me a hug!

What a man that You have placed in my life! He totally respects my decision to break up with him.  And I feel like although we have different theologies, we can learn from each other and grow closer to You together.  He respects my boundaries and really really cares about me.

We still love each other.  We never stopped being friends... and in fact right now we are together again, but not officially dating.

Anyways back to the whole God's plan thing.  I believe right now that I was right the first time about dating Christos being part of God's plan.  God used the whole fiasco with my parents to show myself what it really means to make my own decisions, and most importantly, repair the relationship between me and my parents.  My parents have always been overprotective and my dad always thought I was a rebel.

As a result of this whole fiasco I asked my Chinese prayer support group today at school to pray for my dad because unlike my sister and my mom who forgave me, my dad didn't.  So during the prayer time for some reason this song "The Reason" by Hoobastank started playing in my head.  The lyrics were exactly how I felt towards my dad.

When I got home after night class, I decided to email a long heartfelt email to my dad.  I hope this is the beginning of understanding and hopefully reconciliation.  The whole fiasco with Christos and my parents actually showed me that there were many underlying issues that I had to deal with with my dad.  Usually on the surface we argue about the towel or the light or other stuff, but underlying is a deep pain that started years and years ago.

I hope that my dad will understand what I meant by the email.  I know that the prayers of all my schoolmates is going to help.

I learned a lot today.  :)

Thank You God.

In Jesus name Amen.

Heaven's got a plan for you

Dear Me,

Life is full of unexpected changes. Being bipolar even makes it even more unstable.  Either you are really happy and excited (even irritated) or you are down.  Mood swings and circumstances of life making life unpredictable.  But there is one thing that is stable.  God is stable.

And I love this song, it says Heaven has got a plan for you.  The twists and turns of life just make life more meaningful.  God uses pain to mold us, shape us, teach us.  Although pain is not desirable but it is one of the best teachers.

My life is much more crazy than many other people's lives.  Like, look at all the romantic relationships I have had that were crazy.  But that just enrichens my testimony.  I can have more experiences to share with others who go through similar experiences and help them or at least, relate to them.

If I was a perfect person, if I had no problems... I would be a boring person.  I would not know how to love so deep or care so deep.  I can know God more as a result of my pain.  Thank God for my pain!  Thank God for my handicap!

Praise be to God, He always has a plan for us.

Love, Martine

P.S.  I will love you until you learn to love yourself, Martine.

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The reason why pain is such a great teacher is that pain won't let you forget. If you are going through a time of pain, rest assured that you are about to learn an important lesson that will stay with you the rest of your life. Our choice: we can either let it make us bitter, or better.

--from my previous church's senior pastor, who went through depression

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He still loves me and I want him back

I feel this for Christos

And I feel this for Chester Le outreach....

Good verse

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. 

Job 23:10-11

Things I'm looking forward to

-seeing him (you can probably guess who this is)
-visiting Notre Dame and Oratoire de St. Joseph in Montreal
-skating in Montreal, if i can rent skates
-moving out in Sept and becoming independent
-getting my G2
-getting back into painting and drawing again
-outreach with Chester Le (hopefully build a team)
-getting a black attitude
-becoming hyper once again but this time controlling it
-writing a book about my bipolar disorder and how God taught me a lot through it
-swimming, going to the beach
-getting another tattoo, the one i originally wanted
-getting free money from the government
-being confident in myself

Loving you

I need my damn privacy

Tell me how can I stop my mom from looking over my shoulder at who I'm talking to on facebook, who I'm texting, without slapping her in the face?  I need my damn privacy.  I have to tell her exactly who I'm with every day, who the hell is driving me home, who my friends are, their phone numbers, etc. etc.  I'm gonna cut my sister and my mom off of facebook, I swear!!!!!



I will not make the same mistakes that you did
Because of you I never strayed too far from the sidewalk ( and never got my G2, let my G1 expire and let it go to waste)
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I am afraid (of what ppl think , what you think, afraid that you would kick me out of the house)
I cannot cry, I am forced to fake a smile
My heart can't break when it wasn't even whole to start with
And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

I'd be lying if I said that you're not on my mind...

ohh what'd you do to me? :)