After talking with Rita

Today I was blessed to have the chance to talk and pray with my mentor Rita.  I think I haven't seen her for two months because this was the first time I told her about Christos.  Rita didn't rebuke me, she didn't pressure me, but she gave me her opinion.  She told me that my perspective on dating has changed since the last time I talked with her.  Of course in Jan. I was still thinking about dating Selig so I wanted a guy who would be in Montreal in the future.  I wanted someone who was really close with God and someone who is good at evangelism.

Rita said that it's my choice but she thinks that in my head I know what's the right thing to do theoretically (honor parents, choose a guy who is more suitable) but right now I am following my heart and emotions.  I agree with her.  She said that Christos is not the most suitable guy for me for marriage.  I already knew that.  She understands though, because in the past she dated a non christian guy and they broke up and got back together again but eventually broke up.  Not that Christos is a non Christian but she is using it as an analogy.

I told her that part of me hopes that Christos will change so that he would become a more suitable marriage partner but it would take a lot for him to change so I am not going to count on it.  I told her that both me and Christos know that as of right now, this relationship is a short term relationship.

Talking with Rita did not give me any pressure, which I liked, because I want to think for myself.  After I got home, I started thinking about the relationship again.   Because Rita says she thinks that I went into the relationship because parents and friends were giving me pressure and Christos was where I could find positivity, affirmation, and comfort.  I agree with her.  I do find all those things in Christos.

But what I am questioning now is... does that mean I'm using Christos as a crutch? Sure, I am not using him to fill a hole that Tommy left per se but yeah I am looking to him for affirmation and positivity.  It's a role that God is supposed to fill and I have been telling myself during this time that God was giving me all that THROUGH Christos.  But doesn't that mean that Christos is a crutch that I'm leaning on?

Thinking about this further, if I leaned on God alone rather than Christos, would that mean that God is my crutch?  I'm thinking aloud here.  Some non Christians would say that Christians hold onto God as a crutch.  I disagree with that. God is the ultimate source of strength, so if He is a crutch then He is a Thousand Foot Crutch (like the christian band is named).  God is more like a pillar, not a crutch.

But maybe I am using Christos as a crutch to walk to the pillar???

As I said, I am thinking aloud as I write this.  Is it wrong to depend on someone for love and affirmation?  We all need love and affirmation from people, not just God, right?  But would I get stronger if I threw away the Christos crutch?  Or would I just fall down???

If Christos is a crutch, for the sake of metaphor, then he is a willing crutch.  He wants to be there for me.  On one hand, he is not making me get any closer to God because he himself is not closer to God than me.  But he doesn't hinder me from God either, he encourages me and wants to come to church and stuff.  So ideally he is not the best husband because he is not making me grow but shouldn't growth come from within anyways?  He is encouraging the growth although he is not really doing anything to further the growth.  Like a moral support.  He doesn't replace God in my life.

Well how about me in relation to Christos?  I think you could say that I am his crutch too then.  Cuz I'm the one who is helping him become a better Christian, he said this himself.  He said that he is becoming more protestant and he finds himself much happier after being with me.  He told me I am the first real Christian girl he ever dated and he loves me more than anyone else in this world.  He told me that I was the best girlfriend so far and he has never been happier in his entire life.  Is that supposed to mean something?

Christos said that if I hypothetically met a good Christian guy who was Chinese and wanted to become a pastor in Montreal, and if that guy asked me out, Christos would let me go if that other guy was what I really wanted.  Christos said he wants me to pursue my dream and he wouldn't make me stay in Toronto just so that I could be with him.  Christos is not selfish like that.

I just wonder though, if that hypothetical good chinese christian montreal guy would find it weird that I dated Christos for a short term relationship.  As Andrew Chao said, would that hurt the guy, that I dated Christos?  So complicated.  I don't know.  All I know is that if I break up with Christos now, it hurts me and Christos.  I don't know who the heck the hypothetical guy is going to be and it's hard to imagine hurting an imaginary guy that I don't know.  I'm not trying to be mean but if I don't know who my future husband is, I am not trying to hurt him, I am just making a choice that I feel is right for me right now.

What Karen the counselor said still gives me some hope.  She said we don't know what will happen in the future and Christos might end up growing more and wanting to go to Montreal for all I know.  Its a stretch but it does give me hope.  Am I wrong to hope like this?  It's only been about 2 months and I still got 3 years before I graduate.  Is it really that bad to date someone of a lower spiritual level than me?  He's not like Adrian pressuring me into sex and whatever, and I am more mature now, I can stand strong on boundaries and grow spiritually.

God, please give me wisdom.  I don't want to pray for direction and then not be willing to move.  And if You really want me to break up with Christos one day I want You to be the main voice telling me what to do, and I want You to make it a peaceful breakup, like I would want both me and Christos to be at peace with it.  Only You can be my judge.  I don't want to lie to my parents but I feel like this is a choice that I have to hide at the moment in order to live a happy life.  I'm sorry.