Saturday, December 18, 2010
My new favourite verse from the French Bible
‘’C’est d’elle que je suis devenu le serviteur, conformément à la charge que Dieu m’a confiée pour vous : annoncer pleinement la parole de Dieu, le mystère caché de tout temps et à toutes les générations, mais révélé maintenant à ses saints. En effet, Dieu a voulu leur faire connaître la glorieuse richesse de ce mystère parmi les non-Juifs, c’est-à-dire Christ en vous, l’espérance de la gloire.’’ Colossiens 1 :25-26
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
2 down, 1 to go
YUP! I finished my 2nd exam! One more to go, thank God I'm not too stressed... but I am pressed for time. So why am I on my blog right now? It's just too late in the night to study (almost 1am here) but I am also too energized today for some reason I just couldn't fall asleep.
This semester I might be having lower marks than usual but the important thing is if I tried my best. I think I'm trying my best, keeping in mind that my health was bad this semester and I had to take care of that, and also I was trying to work so hard at my jobs and be there for friends (whom I love very much). So overall I think I was trying my best. I will definitely try to cram as much as possible for my last exam.
There is a lot to be thankful for and happy about actually. :) There is too much to name right now. But Christmas is coming soon and I have almost 3 weeks of break, so that's for sure something to be thankful for. And I am thankful for a new job starting Jan. to replace my library job, it's a job that has less hours (only roughly 5 hours a week) so it should be better in terms of balancing my studies.
I still have a lot to do and look forward to next semester though. I was just analyzing my schedule mentally today and even though I took out my 15 hours a week library job for next semester, I am still adding on 3 different things: being on church softball team leadership (commitment of 1 meeting a month until May when we start 2 practices a week), being an A.A. (that's the new job of roughly 5 hours a week), and ... I think that was it actually... oh wait, more random volunteering with church ppl for the community.
I hope I can fit in everything properly and not be all rushed or frazzled. This Christmas I am not doing any Christmas shopping (I'm only going to write cards, not give gifts) cuz I need to save money and I want to save stress too. Christmas shopping for others can be very stressful and money-consuming.
:) :) :)
This semester I might be having lower marks than usual but the important thing is if I tried my best. I think I'm trying my best, keeping in mind that my health was bad this semester and I had to take care of that, and also I was trying to work so hard at my jobs and be there for friends (whom I love very much). So overall I think I was trying my best. I will definitely try to cram as much as possible for my last exam.
There is a lot to be thankful for and happy about actually. :) There is too much to name right now. But Christmas is coming soon and I have almost 3 weeks of break, so that's for sure something to be thankful for. And I am thankful for a new job starting Jan. to replace my library job, it's a job that has less hours (only roughly 5 hours a week) so it should be better in terms of balancing my studies.
I still have a lot to do and look forward to next semester though. I was just analyzing my schedule mentally today and even though I took out my 15 hours a week library job for next semester, I am still adding on 3 different things: being on church softball team leadership (commitment of 1 meeting a month until May when we start 2 practices a week), being an A.A. (that's the new job of roughly 5 hours a week), and ... I think that was it actually... oh wait, more random volunteering with church ppl for the community.
I hope I can fit in everything properly and not be all rushed or frazzled. This Christmas I am not doing any Christmas shopping (I'm only going to write cards, not give gifts) cuz I need to save money and I want to save stress too. Christmas shopping for others can be very stressful and money-consuming.
:) :) :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version, ©2010)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
---
How often do I forget that to protect my heart, I just need to pray it all out and thank God. Cuz being thankful makes me happier, truly happier, and the peace of God will protect my heart.
---
Thank You Jesus for my friends, for my family, for my salvation, for school, cuz others who are poor may not be able to afford it, thanks for my jobs, cuz many ppl don't have jobs. Thank you for this blog, thank you for the music, thank you for my LifeGroup, thank you for being there for me.
Stuff that won't make sense to you (only God knows)
Dear God,
It hurts so much right now. I have to get over 3 guys at once. I brought this trouble upon myself. I feel so down, I don't even want to do anything. I'm so sad, I have no one to talk to about this except you cuz basically it concerns you and me.
I don't feel like anything anymore. This medicine is not working out. I'm more bipolar than ever, just so that I can save myself from cervix cancer.
As much as I try to deny it, Sam Sham and Adrian Leung were very important to me. I can't just forget about them. I guess I don't want to. But I gave up these guys so that I could draw closer to you and your will, God. It hurts to deny my own desires and my self. Everything that made me happy, I gave it up.
I know you are teaching me to be satisfied in you only. It's harder than I thought. I am a very social person, and I gave my heart to like ten million guys already who were not able to give it back.
I know I'm supposed to wait until I get to the mission field , wait and see if there is a guy for me there, but right now I feel so down that I don't get support into the mission field. Virgin Mary must have felt a similar way, she was shunned by her family cuz she was pregnant without getting married, and Joseph was gonna divorce her. But she kept on believing in your will, and now she is an example to many women, and she in the end got support from Joseph as well.
It's hardest when you have to choose between your dreams and your idea of a "perfect guy". It's even harder to choose between what God thinks is best versus what you wanted.
And it's weird too when the perfect guy is actually not perfect after all.
I know exactly why You took Sam away from me, now. You took him away because he didn't lead me closer to You. He made me go farther away from You and sin more. That's why.
And I have to get over Jonathan cuz he's not the one either. I have to protect his heart by leaving words unsaid and distancing away from him. I knew it was the right thing to do after all. And Adrian, I gotta let him discover You on his own now, God please save him this Christmas.
I still remember so much it's like a flood of emotions and memories that disturb me day and night. I think I'm gonna fail my exams. Yesterday I barely got through half a chapter of Psych, it was so slow, even though I was pretty motivated. And today I'm so unmotivated, I can't even take care of myself.
I always tend to reach out to GUYS when I'm sad. Maybe I just don't want to burden my girlfriends about it cuz they might worry more or I hate to see their sympathetic faces cuz I don't want to be felt sorry for.
Sometimes I hate to face the truth. The real deep down core truth. I like to lie to myself and say I'm ok or that the situation is not that bad. But I guess it is bad and my pride is struck down as if by lightning.
I'm sad. I'm very very sad. That's the truth. I am a broken, sad, desperate person. I am not doing well in school. That's the truth. It's hard to focus on everything at once. I'm not supergirl. I wish I could be.
I am feeling a bit better I guess. Listening to Canadian tenors doesn't help cuz their music is too moving it makes me cry more.
Time for some happy music.
It hurts so much right now. I have to get over 3 guys at once. I brought this trouble upon myself. I feel so down, I don't even want to do anything. I'm so sad, I have no one to talk to about this except you cuz basically it concerns you and me.
I don't feel like anything anymore. This medicine is not working out. I'm more bipolar than ever, just so that I can save myself from cervix cancer.
As much as I try to deny it, Sam Sham and Adrian Leung were very important to me. I can't just forget about them. I guess I don't want to. But I gave up these guys so that I could draw closer to you and your will, God. It hurts to deny my own desires and my self. Everything that made me happy, I gave it up.
I know you are teaching me to be satisfied in you only. It's harder than I thought. I am a very social person, and I gave my heart to like ten million guys already who were not able to give it back.
I know I'm supposed to wait until I get to the mission field , wait and see if there is a guy for me there, but right now I feel so down that I don't get support into the mission field. Virgin Mary must have felt a similar way, she was shunned by her family cuz she was pregnant without getting married, and Joseph was gonna divorce her. But she kept on believing in your will, and now she is an example to many women, and she in the end got support from Joseph as well.
It's hardest when you have to choose between your dreams and your idea of a "perfect guy". It's even harder to choose between what God thinks is best versus what you wanted.
And it's weird too when the perfect guy is actually not perfect after all.
I know exactly why You took Sam away from me, now. You took him away because he didn't lead me closer to You. He made me go farther away from You and sin more. That's why.
And I have to get over Jonathan cuz he's not the one either. I have to protect his heart by leaving words unsaid and distancing away from him. I knew it was the right thing to do after all. And Adrian, I gotta let him discover You on his own now, God please save him this Christmas.
I still remember so much it's like a flood of emotions and memories that disturb me day and night. I think I'm gonna fail my exams. Yesterday I barely got through half a chapter of Psych, it was so slow, even though I was pretty motivated. And today I'm so unmotivated, I can't even take care of myself.
I always tend to reach out to GUYS when I'm sad. Maybe I just don't want to burden my girlfriends about it cuz they might worry more or I hate to see their sympathetic faces cuz I don't want to be felt sorry for.
Sometimes I hate to face the truth. The real deep down core truth. I like to lie to myself and say I'm ok or that the situation is not that bad. But I guess it is bad and my pride is struck down as if by lightning.
I'm sad. I'm very very sad. That's the truth. I am a broken, sad, desperate person. I am not doing well in school. That's the truth. It's hard to focus on everything at once. I'm not supergirl. I wish I could be.
I am feeling a bit better I guess. Listening to Canadian tenors doesn't help cuz their music is too moving it makes me cry more.
Time for some happy music.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Quotes I wanna remember...
Life flows like water. So if someone or something you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it
Thanks to DB for these quotes.
Whispers from a broken heart made whole...
A lot of changes/things to handle at once... Pastor Fiona just told me she's going back to California, and she doesn't know when she will be back. I wasn't too shocked, I mean, I knew it was gonna happen that she would have to go home someday when her visa would be fixed, but I guess I've gotten to know her so much and looked to her as a role model, it's hard to imagine what would happen when she's gone and I will have another mentor. (yet again, always switching mentors)
She said I could of course still contact her, stay in touch. I guess that's good. Anyway, thats one of the changes.
Christmas is here. It's hard when things that I used to like so much end up reminding me of guys that I had to break up with. For instance, I LOVE sparkly decorations and sparkly anything in general. But because I shared this with Adrian and he used to always remember how much I loved sparkly stuff, now whenever I see sparkly decorations I will remember Adrian. I spent a lot of Christmas time with Adrian last year. We went out to dinner with his parents and I had my first lobster bisque soup there at that dinner place. We also had sushi buffet with his friends and also once when we were at Eaton centre together, we happened to see the Canadian Tenors sing. So Christmas was a big deal last year, and this year, I can't help but miss him at least a bit.
And then throw Sam Sham into the mix. My favourite colour is purple and same with him. Now whenever I wear purple I will remember him. I can't even wear my favourite colour without thinking about this guy and how he would have appreciated the colours that matched.
Jonathan. Why do I have to deal with three guys at once? I think the reason why I love Jonathan is because he loves missions and he loves the Lord Jesus a lot. It's something that I admired in Sam except that Sam didn't love missions. So I guess that makes me want Jon even more because he loves both. I don't know. But honestly, last week Jon was like a boyfriend to me, always inviting me out and initiating contact, something that Sam didn't do. So I guess you can say I love Jon for the things Sam didn't give me.
I'm so messed up.
On the positive side, I realize that even if I walk this path of life as a single, it doesn't mean that I'm alone. God is with me and so is my best friend Thuy. :) And other friends too. I appreciate female friends more now that I realize all the guy trouble I had to deal with stemming from being too close to guys.
Although my heart is broken and broken again even before being made whole from the first time, I thing it is also whole because God fills me with love and peace. It's really true. Next year I still have a lot to look forward to even though I might not be going to Tyndale.
My exams are coming soon and I feel like I might fail them. But I will try my best to study, give it my all... and next semester will be a better semester, I'm sure. It takes time to heal.
Although I sometimes feel like I'm ok on my own, the truth is, everyone deep down wants someone special to share life with, intimacy with someone that they can share their life with. For me, I shared my heart with way too many guys, I don't know if there's anything special left to give to the real "one" who was supposed to be my future husband. I am so loose, so giving, so fast-loving, that I really don't know how to protect my own heart.
For some reason I really wish that Jonathan was the one for me. Why, I don't know. Maybe you can say I'm really desperate, even though I don't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to keep looking anymore. I wish things were easier. That love was easier... maybe.
It's been 6 breakups already. You can say I'm a wreck. I'm a very broken person, that's what I told Sam. I haven't even healed from Adrian and I had another breakup with Sam and then another semi-break with Jon, even though Jon didn't even know I liked him. I don't know. I think I don't know myself well enough. Otherwise this pattern would have stopped a long time ago.
Like it was revealed to me a while back now (I keep forgetting), I have trouble being patient. That's why a day seems so long to me, cuz I'm not patient. That's why every time Jonathan pops up on gmail, I cannot resist but talk to him... I have trouble being patient. That's why I was so upset when Pastor Ray was suggesting I don't go to Tyndale right away.
Good things come to those who wait (is that the expression?)..
I still haven't figured out how fate and free will intermingle when it comes to dating.
Today I missed Jonathan so much it kind of hurt a little. I love so hard... I love so fast... so deeply.
Only time can tell. That's what Jon told me when it comes to what God's plan is. Only time can tell. Not feelings, not a voice, not anything but time. Interesting. I miss him already.
I'm pretty tired. This medicine keeps changing its effects on me. My life keeps changing on me. I hope we have a merry Christmas. :) And a Happy New Year. Friends for life...< 3
She said I could of course still contact her, stay in touch. I guess that's good. Anyway, thats one of the changes.
Christmas is here. It's hard when things that I used to like so much end up reminding me of guys that I had to break up with. For instance, I LOVE sparkly decorations and sparkly anything in general. But because I shared this with Adrian and he used to always remember how much I loved sparkly stuff, now whenever I see sparkly decorations I will remember Adrian. I spent a lot of Christmas time with Adrian last year. We went out to dinner with his parents and I had my first lobster bisque soup there at that dinner place. We also had sushi buffet with his friends and also once when we were at Eaton centre together, we happened to see the Canadian Tenors sing. So Christmas was a big deal last year, and this year, I can't help but miss him at least a bit.
And then throw Sam Sham into the mix. My favourite colour is purple and same with him. Now whenever I wear purple I will remember him. I can't even wear my favourite colour without thinking about this guy and how he would have appreciated the colours that matched.
Jonathan. Why do I have to deal with three guys at once? I think the reason why I love Jonathan is because he loves missions and he loves the Lord Jesus a lot. It's something that I admired in Sam except that Sam didn't love missions. So I guess that makes me want Jon even more because he loves both. I don't know. But honestly, last week Jon was like a boyfriend to me, always inviting me out and initiating contact, something that Sam didn't do. So I guess you can say I love Jon for the things Sam didn't give me.
I'm so messed up.
On the positive side, I realize that even if I walk this path of life as a single, it doesn't mean that I'm alone. God is with me and so is my best friend Thuy. :) And other friends too. I appreciate female friends more now that I realize all the guy trouble I had to deal with stemming from being too close to guys.
Although my heart is broken and broken again even before being made whole from the first time, I thing it is also whole because God fills me with love and peace. It's really true. Next year I still have a lot to look forward to even though I might not be going to Tyndale.
My exams are coming soon and I feel like I might fail them. But I will try my best to study, give it my all... and next semester will be a better semester, I'm sure. It takes time to heal.
Although I sometimes feel like I'm ok on my own, the truth is, everyone deep down wants someone special to share life with, intimacy with someone that they can share their life with. For me, I shared my heart with way too many guys, I don't know if there's anything special left to give to the real "one" who was supposed to be my future husband. I am so loose, so giving, so fast-loving, that I really don't know how to protect my own heart.
For some reason I really wish that Jonathan was the one for me. Why, I don't know. Maybe you can say I'm really desperate, even though I don't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to keep looking anymore. I wish things were easier. That love was easier... maybe.
It's been 6 breakups already. You can say I'm a wreck. I'm a very broken person, that's what I told Sam. I haven't even healed from Adrian and I had another breakup with Sam and then another semi-break with Jon, even though Jon didn't even know I liked him. I don't know. I think I don't know myself well enough. Otherwise this pattern would have stopped a long time ago.
Like it was revealed to me a while back now (I keep forgetting), I have trouble being patient. That's why a day seems so long to me, cuz I'm not patient. That's why every time Jonathan pops up on gmail, I cannot resist but talk to him... I have trouble being patient. That's why I was so upset when Pastor Ray was suggesting I don't go to Tyndale right away.
Good things come to those who wait (is that the expression?)..
I still haven't figured out how fate and free will intermingle when it comes to dating.
Today I missed Jonathan so much it kind of hurt a little. I love so hard... I love so fast... so deeply.
Only time can tell. That's what Jon told me when it comes to what God's plan is. Only time can tell. Not feelings, not a voice, not anything but time. Interesting. I miss him already.
I'm pretty tired. This medicine keeps changing its effects on me. My life keeps changing on me. I hope we have a merry Christmas. :) And a Happy New Year. Friends for life...< 3
I honestly believe that as a result of [bipolar disorder] I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty and seeing things through. …Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster and loved faster than most I know."
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind
I MISS JONATHAN WONG!!! :S I don't know why i love/miss him so much...
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind
I MISS JONATHAN WONG!!! :S I don't know why i love/miss him so much...
Friday, December 3, 2010
This song pretty much "answers" all the questions from last post...
A quote I took from a music video of "Pray" by Justin Bieber... the only thing I liked about the song to be honest...
"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." :) I like that.
Questions I wanna ask God (uncensored)...
What in the world am i supposed to do next year????
Am I supposed to stay single for life????
Who did I not forgive yet?
In what ways have I not healed yet from past hurts/boys/work-related issues?
What does it really mean to be prepared/ready for seminary?
What is faith anyways???
Is it possible that you are coming back in my lifetime??? Am I supposed to change my lifestyle as a result?
Why is my heart still breaking?
Why am I in love with like 3 guys at once?
Who do I really want? What do I really want???
If I want what you want, God, then what the hell does that mean anymore?
What do YOU want?
Am I so crazy that I cannot hear your voice clearly? Why is it that when I thought you said one thing, something seems to always correct it?
maybe I assume you say one thing but You and I are not on the same page???
Is this supposed to be a test?
What is the test, exactly?
Is the test supposed to be that I don't know? thats why I'm supposed to trust You more?
Am I not patient enough, is that why?
Why do I feel like I don't care about being a pastor in Montreal anymore?
Why do I feel like I don't care what is going to happen in the future anymore? I must be sick of caring about the future, aren't I?
Why do I feel like my dreams aren't that important anymore?
is it because I think others can accomplish them, that You don't need me anymore?
Why do I feel like my exams aren't important? I don't feel like doing them anymore.
Why do I feel like every time a guy likes me, it doesn't work out, and every time I find a guy that I like, it doesnt work out either?
Why do I not care anymore that it didn't work out?
Am I supposed to get off OsAP and become dirt poor or stay on OSAP and die from stress?
Did I not pray enough or something this week?
If I'm supposed to fast, what am I supposed to fast from and what am I even supposed to fast about?
Am I supposed to cancel next Tues. meeting?
How the heck am I suposed to heal when everything reminds me of Adrian?
How the heck was I supposed to heal when everything reminded me of Sam?
Why was Jonathan Wong so damn nice to me when he didn't even like me or want a relationship with me?
Why is work so tiring?
Why are my knees hurting?
Why am I even asking these questions anyway, what's the point?
Am I angry with you, God?
Am I angry with others?
Why did I want to go to Montreal so badly, now I don't even know if I wanna go anymore? But then again, all I want is to be up that mountain looking down, cuz that's how I think I will figure out my life, is that true though?
Do my dreams and future depend on who I love more?
Does that mean right now I don't love anybody? THat doesn't make sense.
I'm kind of tired of asking questions...
I don't even know if I want the answers anymore.
But I know you are there God to listen and I'm grateful.
Am I supposed to stay single for life????
Who did I not forgive yet?
In what ways have I not healed yet from past hurts/boys/work-related issues?
What does it really mean to be prepared/ready for seminary?
What is faith anyways???
Is it possible that you are coming back in my lifetime??? Am I supposed to change my lifestyle as a result?
Why is my heart still breaking?
Why am I in love with like 3 guys at once?
Who do I really want? What do I really want???
If I want what you want, God, then what the hell does that mean anymore?
What do YOU want?
Am I so crazy that I cannot hear your voice clearly? Why is it that when I thought you said one thing, something seems to always correct it?
maybe I assume you say one thing but You and I are not on the same page???
Is this supposed to be a test?
What is the test, exactly?
Is the test supposed to be that I don't know? thats why I'm supposed to trust You more?
Am I not patient enough, is that why?
Why do I feel like I don't care about being a pastor in Montreal anymore?
Why do I feel like I don't care what is going to happen in the future anymore? I must be sick of caring about the future, aren't I?
Why do I feel like my dreams aren't that important anymore?
is it because I think others can accomplish them, that You don't need me anymore?
Why do I feel like my exams aren't important? I don't feel like doing them anymore.
Why do I feel like every time a guy likes me, it doesn't work out, and every time I find a guy that I like, it doesnt work out either?
Why do I not care anymore that it didn't work out?
Am I supposed to get off OsAP and become dirt poor or stay on OSAP and die from stress?
Did I not pray enough or something this week?
If I'm supposed to fast, what am I supposed to fast from and what am I even supposed to fast about?
Am I supposed to cancel next Tues. meeting?
How the heck am I suposed to heal when everything reminds me of Adrian?
How the heck was I supposed to heal when everything reminded me of Sam?
Why was Jonathan Wong so damn nice to me when he didn't even like me or want a relationship with me?
Why is work so tiring?
Why are my knees hurting?
Why am I even asking these questions anyway, what's the point?
Am I angry with you, God?
Am I angry with others?
Why did I want to go to Montreal so badly, now I don't even know if I wanna go anymore? But then again, all I want is to be up that mountain looking down, cuz that's how I think I will figure out my life, is that true though?
Do my dreams and future depend on who I love more?
Does that mean right now I don't love anybody? THat doesn't make sense.
I'm kind of tired of asking questions...
I don't even know if I want the answers anymore.
But I know you are there God to listen and I'm grateful.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Possibly dedicated to Sunday afternoon's meeting
I love this song. We'll see what happens on Sunday, if this song relates to it in any way... yeah, this is weird but I SO identify with this song.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
It's only been 4 days?
Yup... It's only been 4 days since I last put something on my blog... and yet I feel like I've come such a long way. I keep on being reminded of the fleetingness of life these days. Life is short... Love much. Love your friends, your family, love with a faithful and everlasting love... not those fleeting kinds of love.
I was wondering to myself today whether I have fully let go of Sam or Adrian. I don't think the memories of Adrian will go away anytime soon, even though I don't romantically love him anymore. With him I was very deeply in love before and we had a superclose relationship so obviously the memories are hard to fade away.
With Sam I would say that I have been able to let go after the few weeks I had this month of almost no contact and less and less obsession over him with more and more focus on God instead. And so today I wondered if I had totally lost feelings for Sam. I don't know. Maybe there is still a hint of it... but in general I'm a free and independent woman now.
Being thankful has made me happier these days. Less stressed too. Thank God!
I gotta go. Grad picture to be taken tomorrow. I hope my hair looks ok... and also, i will be going to the prayer room... possibly with Jonathan Wong.
I was wondering to myself today whether I have fully let go of Sam or Adrian. I don't think the memories of Adrian will go away anytime soon, even though I don't romantically love him anymore. With him I was very deeply in love before and we had a superclose relationship so obviously the memories are hard to fade away.
With Sam I would say that I have been able to let go after the few weeks I had this month of almost no contact and less and less obsession over him with more and more focus on God instead. And so today I wondered if I had totally lost feelings for Sam. I don't know. Maybe there is still a hint of it... but in general I'm a free and independent woman now.
Being thankful has made me happier these days. Less stressed too. Thank God!
I gotta go. Grad picture to be taken tomorrow. I hope my hair looks ok... and also, i will be going to the prayer room... possibly with Jonathan Wong.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Insensitive-- song sung by Jann Arden
How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere
Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive
How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again
Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere
Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive
How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again
Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive
Coasting along the highway of life
A few days ago, on the subway, I wrote out my dreams (life dreams, not crazy nightmare dreams) on a sheet of paper, with steps detailing how I can accomplish those dreams. It felt good... I'm starting to realize that sometimes, I end up doing random crap that doesn't even jive with my desires or what I want for the future. It's good to take a look at your life sometimes to see where it's going.
Guess what? I made a new friend... his name is Jonathan Wong. Haha... he's great, he gave me a ride home today and is gonna help me out tomorrow with the Arabic church teens...
Now before you say "Martine's in love again", you gotta know that this time, Martine is protecting her heart... Martine is also trying to protect Jonathan's heart... we are just friends, and I keep reminding him by calling him "bro" and I'm NOT gonna open it up or throw my heart on the table expecting him to catch it... God, thanks for teaching me! I just hope I have learned it well and that I won't forget!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll learn to respect male friends and just be there for them like a sister. Life is short... I must learn to love in a way that doesn't involve fleeting feelings and crazy obsession... brotherly and sisterly love that strives to protect ppl from false hopes... gonna be hard!!!!
Enjoy the song.... there's more relaxing songs u can listen to at the online radio at www.fm93.ca :)
Guess what? I made a new friend... his name is Jonathan Wong. Haha... he's great, he gave me a ride home today and is gonna help me out tomorrow with the Arabic church teens...
Now before you say "Martine's in love again", you gotta know that this time, Martine is protecting her heart... Martine is also trying to protect Jonathan's heart... we are just friends, and I keep reminding him by calling him "bro" and I'm NOT gonna open it up or throw my heart on the table expecting him to catch it... God, thanks for teaching me! I just hope I have learned it well and that I won't forget!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll learn to respect male friends and just be there for them like a sister. Life is short... I must learn to love in a way that doesn't involve fleeting feelings and crazy obsession... brotherly and sisterly love that strives to protect ppl from false hopes... gonna be hard!!!!
Enjoy the song.... there's more relaxing songs u can listen to at the online radio at www.fm93.ca :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Random Splurting out of Thoughts
I'm gonna get FAT and I don't know why but I'm going cross-eyed while writing English papers!!!
I'm also gonna become poor but it doesn't matter!
And I'm still proud to be single.
I suddenly feel like eating chicken nuggets.
BOOOOOOOOO
Still have two essays to START! But I'll be okay! HEHEHE
YAY!!!!
I'm also gonna become poor but it doesn't matter!
And I'm still proud to be single.
I suddenly feel like eating chicken nuggets.
BOOOOOOOOO
Still have two essays to START! But I'll be okay! HEHEHE
YAY!!!!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Songs I'd love to sing/play @ my own concert...
- Collide
- how to save a life
- Love is an ocean wide
- Teardrops on My Guitar, Back to December, Come in with the rain, White Horse (Taylor Swift)
- Dear Mr. President (P!NK)
- What Now (Steven Curtis Chapman)
- I will be here for you (Michael W. Smith)
- See the Scars
- a lady gaga song, acoustically???
- Another You (Cascada)
- Still (hillsong)
- I Believe (Andrea Bocelli and Katherine Jenkins)
- Someone else's story (Lea Salonga)
- Who Am I, Does anybody hear her, praise you in this storm, Casting Crowns songs
- Better Hands (Natalie Grant)
- The Greatest Love of All, On My Own, other Whitney Houston songs
- Lessons Learned, Inside Your Heaven, Told You So, Temporary Home, (Carrie Underwood)
- The Climb & When I Look At You (Miley Cyrus)
- There can be miracles, Mariah Carey songs + duets
- Reflection (Christina Aguilera/Mulan)
- Wind Beneath My Wings
- Hero (the girl one, not Enrique)
- The Voice Within
- Tong Hua
- Thank you for the music
- Desert Song
- I dreamed a dream (les miserables)
雲上太陽 (The sun above the clouds, by Stream of Praise)
Alright, first I have 4 assignments to worry about :P and I gotta find a new job!!!! (to replace the library job for next semester)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4)
I am struggling with what this verse really means to me... My desire is to serve God and impact people (make a difference in their lives)... So I guess if I delight myself in God's Word and God's presence I will end up doing just that...
At the same time, desires are more than just life purposes, if you happen to define it that way. For example, I might desire a certain guy to be my future soul mate or whatever. Does that mean God would let me be with that guy if I delight myself in Him?
I was thinking about what would happen if Sam and I got married. I think either he would be sad or I would be sad. Or we would both have a harder time than if we were apart. Why? Because I think if he went to Quebec with me to follow my dream, he would feel very out of place because he sucks at French. And if I were to stay in Toronto (if that is still his dream) to serve CBCs, I would be sad because I wasted my French. Also, even if for some reason we both end up in Quebec and we like it there, it will still be very very harsh because I am so bipolar and he would feel obligated to take care of me nonstop... and he is a very emotional person too so I would be like a burden. Well, these are just my hypotheses.
In addition, our parents might not be very harmonious together so being apart instead of married can alleviate stress for us. Like my previous post says, those who have the gift of singleness as opposed to the gift of marriage are people who would serve God better while single. I think that might possibly be the case for me, cuz I probably wouldn't be able to handle it if we were married, I'd always want to please Sam and get distracted from pleasing God. Well, that's what I'm thinking right now.
I am struggling with what this verse really means to me... My desire is to serve God and impact people (make a difference in their lives)... So I guess if I delight myself in God's Word and God's presence I will end up doing just that...
At the same time, desires are more than just life purposes, if you happen to define it that way. For example, I might desire a certain guy to be my future soul mate or whatever. Does that mean God would let me be with that guy if I delight myself in Him?
I was thinking about what would happen if Sam and I got married. I think either he would be sad or I would be sad. Or we would both have a harder time than if we were apart. Why? Because I think if he went to Quebec with me to follow my dream, he would feel very out of place because he sucks at French. And if I were to stay in Toronto (if that is still his dream) to serve CBCs, I would be sad because I wasted my French. Also, even if for some reason we both end up in Quebec and we like it there, it will still be very very harsh because I am so bipolar and he would feel obligated to take care of me nonstop... and he is a very emotional person too so I would be like a burden. Well, these are just my hypotheses.
In addition, our parents might not be very harmonious together so being apart instead of married can alleviate stress for us. Like my previous post says, those who have the gift of singleness as opposed to the gift of marriage are people who would serve God better while single. I think that might possibly be the case for me, cuz I probably wouldn't be able to handle it if we were married, I'd always want to please Sam and get distracted from pleasing God. Well, that's what I'm thinking right now.
My questions... (articles found at www.gotquestions.org)
Question: "What does the Bible say about a Christian staying single?"
Answer: The question of a Christian staying single and what the Bible says about believers never marrying is often misunderstood. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8: “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” Notice that he says some have the gift of singleness and some the gift of marriage. Although it seems that nearly everyone marries, it is not necessarily God's will for everyone. Paul, for example, did not have to worry about the extra problems and stresses that come with marriage and/or family. He devoted his entire life to spreading the Word of God. He would not have been such a useful messenger if he had been married.
On the other hand, some people do better as a team, serving God as a couple and a family. Both kinds of people are equally important. It is not a sin to remain single, even for your entire life. The most important thing in life is not finding a mate and having children, but serving God. We should educate ourselves on the Word of God by reading our Bibles and praying. If we ask God to reveal Himself to us, He will respond (Matthew 7:7), and if we ask Him to use us to fulfill His good works, He will do that as well. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).
Singleness should not be viewed as a curse or an indication that there is “something wrong” with the single man or woman. While most people marry, and while the Bible seems to indicate that it is God’s will for most people to marry, a single Christian is in no sense a “second class” Christian. As 1 Corinthians 7 indicates, singleness is, if anything, a higher calling. As with everything else in life, we should ask God for wisdom (James 1:5) concerning marriage. Following God’s plan, whether that be marriage or singleness, will result in the productivity and joy that God desires for us.
-------------------------
Question: "How will I know when I have found the perfect spouse for me?"
Answer: The Bible does not address how to find the “perfect spouse,” nor does it get as specific as we might like on the matter of finding the right marriage partner. The one thing God's Word does explicitly tell us is to make sure that we do not marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). First Corinthians 7:39 reminds us that, while we are free to marry, we should only marry those who are acceptable to God—in other words, Christians. Beyond this, the Bible is silent about how to know we are marrying the “right” person.
So why doesn't God spell out for us what we should look for in a mate? Why do we not have more specifics about such an important issue? The truth is that the Bible is so clear on what a Christian is and how we are to act that specifics are not necessary. Christians are supposed to be likeminded about important issues, and if two Christians are committed to their marriage and to obeying Christ, they already possess the necessary ingredients for success. However, because our society is inundated with many professing Christians, it would be wise to use discernment before devoting oneself to the lifelong commitment of marriage. Once a prospective mate’s priorities are identified—if he or she is truly committed to Christ-likeness—then the specifics are easier to identify and deal with.
First, we should make sure that we are ready to marry. We must have enough maturity to look beyond the here and now and be able to commit ourselves to joining with this one person for the rest of our lives. We must also recognize that marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Before marrying, a couple should study the roles and duties of a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22-31; 1 Corinthians 7:1-16; Colossians 3:18-19; Titus 2:1-5; 1 Peter 3:1-7).
A couple should make sure they know each other for a sufficient amount of time before discussing marriage. They should watch how the other person reacts to different situations, how he behaves around his family and friends, and what kind of people she spends time with. A person's behavior is greatly influenced by those he keeps company with (1 Corinthians 15:33). They should agree on issues such as morality, finances, values, children, church attendance and involvement, relationships with in-laws, and employment. These are areas of potential conflict in marriage and should be carefully considered beforehand.
Finally, any couple considering marriage should first go to premarital counseling with their pastor or another trained Christian counselor. Here they will learn valuable tools for building their marriage on a foundation of faith in Christ, and they will also learn how to deal with inevitable conflicts. After all these criteria have been met, the couple is ready to prayerfully decide if they desire to be joined together in marriage. If we are earnestly seeking the will of God, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Answer: The question of a Christian staying single and what the Bible says about believers never marrying is often misunderstood. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8: “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” Notice that he says some have the gift of singleness and some the gift of marriage. Although it seems that nearly everyone marries, it is not necessarily God's will for everyone. Paul, for example, did not have to worry about the extra problems and stresses that come with marriage and/or family. He devoted his entire life to spreading the Word of God. He would not have been such a useful messenger if he had been married.
On the other hand, some people do better as a team, serving God as a couple and a family. Both kinds of people are equally important. It is not a sin to remain single, even for your entire life. The most important thing in life is not finding a mate and having children, but serving God. We should educate ourselves on the Word of God by reading our Bibles and praying. If we ask God to reveal Himself to us, He will respond (Matthew 7:7), and if we ask Him to use us to fulfill His good works, He will do that as well. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).
Singleness should not be viewed as a curse or an indication that there is “something wrong” with the single man or woman. While most people marry, and while the Bible seems to indicate that it is God’s will for most people to marry, a single Christian is in no sense a “second class” Christian. As 1 Corinthians 7 indicates, singleness is, if anything, a higher calling. As with everything else in life, we should ask God for wisdom (James 1:5) concerning marriage. Following God’s plan, whether that be marriage or singleness, will result in the productivity and joy that God desires for us.
-------------------------
Question: "How will I know when I have found the perfect spouse for me?"
Answer: The Bible does not address how to find the “perfect spouse,” nor does it get as specific as we might like on the matter of finding the right marriage partner. The one thing God's Word does explicitly tell us is to make sure that we do not marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). First Corinthians 7:39 reminds us that, while we are free to marry, we should only marry those who are acceptable to God—in other words, Christians. Beyond this, the Bible is silent about how to know we are marrying the “right” person.
So why doesn't God spell out for us what we should look for in a mate? Why do we not have more specifics about such an important issue? The truth is that the Bible is so clear on what a Christian is and how we are to act that specifics are not necessary. Christians are supposed to be likeminded about important issues, and if two Christians are committed to their marriage and to obeying Christ, they already possess the necessary ingredients for success. However, because our society is inundated with many professing Christians, it would be wise to use discernment before devoting oneself to the lifelong commitment of marriage. Once a prospective mate’s priorities are identified—if he or she is truly committed to Christ-likeness—then the specifics are easier to identify and deal with.
First, we should make sure that we are ready to marry. We must have enough maturity to look beyond the here and now and be able to commit ourselves to joining with this one person for the rest of our lives. We must also recognize that marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Before marrying, a couple should study the roles and duties of a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22-31; 1 Corinthians 7:1-16; Colossians 3:18-19; Titus 2:1-5; 1 Peter 3:1-7).
A couple should make sure they know each other for a sufficient amount of time before discussing marriage. They should watch how the other person reacts to different situations, how he behaves around his family and friends, and what kind of people she spends time with. A person's behavior is greatly influenced by those he keeps company with (1 Corinthians 15:33). They should agree on issues such as morality, finances, values, children, church attendance and involvement, relationships with in-laws, and employment. These are areas of potential conflict in marriage and should be carefully considered beforehand.
Finally, any couple considering marriage should first go to premarital counseling with their pastor or another trained Christian counselor. Here they will learn valuable tools for building their marriage on a foundation of faith in Christ, and they will also learn how to deal with inevitable conflicts. After all these criteria have been met, the couple is ready to prayerfully decide if they desire to be joined together in marriage. If we are earnestly seeking the will of God, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Happy memories or Fantasy world???
Today and yesterday I had a lot of good memories of Sam and sometimes when I felt reminded of him I felt like we could still be connected somehow, through the things we love to do and the person that he is. I felt that even if we couldn't talk, he is still there with me in a way, like as if his spirit was still a part of me. But... if you really think about it, usually it's after a funeral that you think like this. You say that the person is still alive and still there with you, even though they are not. So am I living in a fantasy world, where Sam can still be with me but he really isn't?
I find myself questioning that day when I supposedly heard God's voice tell me, "He is not the one for you". I question whether it was a bipolar voice speaking, or my emotional paranoid voice speaking. And I say to myself, if God maybe only wanted me to believe that he was not the one just so that I could be free, but then it was just like a white lie or something... but then again, God doesn't tell lies, does He?
Or what if God could change His mind? In the Bible, when someone prayed really hard, sometimes God would change His mind, or at least, it seems like He did. So could God change His mind about me and Sam if I pray hard enough? I don't know.
Thuy hit it right on the dot when she said that I am still struggling with why God would say that Sam is not the one. I still don't know why. That's exactly how I feel. I mean, I assumed it was because we were going on different paths in the future. And also that I was holding on to Sam more than I did to God...
But when I think about it sometimes I think that our paths could have still been the same. And if I could have only changed my mindset and expectations, maybe I would hold on to God more tightly and not put all on Sam, then would it be healthier and thus it could work out?
Kevin said that that voice could have been anything. And Gloria said that love is a choice, there is no such thing as "the one". So what's the right way to think? What's the right way to feel? There is no firm answer. Everyone says something different.
In the end, I just said to God, "God, may Your will be done" Whatever that is. Because His plan is perfect. And I'm not gonna email Sam anymore. It's just not working out and no sense bothering him if he's not ready to respond.
It's just that if love is really a choice, does that mean anything for me and Sam? Does that mean that the voice who said "He is not the one for you" was my voice after all? And not God's?
I must be overthinking... take it easy. Step by step. Breathe... and don't take it too seriously, that's my problem, I take everything so seriously... I need to learn to take it easy and chillax... and fix my eyes on the Lord... peace...
I find myself questioning that day when I supposedly heard God's voice tell me, "He is not the one for you". I question whether it was a bipolar voice speaking, or my emotional paranoid voice speaking. And I say to myself, if God maybe only wanted me to believe that he was not the one just so that I could be free, but then it was just like a white lie or something... but then again, God doesn't tell lies, does He?
Or what if God could change His mind? In the Bible, when someone prayed really hard, sometimes God would change His mind, or at least, it seems like He did. So could God change His mind about me and Sam if I pray hard enough? I don't know.
Thuy hit it right on the dot when she said that I am still struggling with why God would say that Sam is not the one. I still don't know why. That's exactly how I feel. I mean, I assumed it was because we were going on different paths in the future. And also that I was holding on to Sam more than I did to God...
But when I think about it sometimes I think that our paths could have still been the same. And if I could have only changed my mindset and expectations, maybe I would hold on to God more tightly and not put all on Sam, then would it be healthier and thus it could work out?
Kevin said that that voice could have been anything. And Gloria said that love is a choice, there is no such thing as "the one". So what's the right way to think? What's the right way to feel? There is no firm answer. Everyone says something different.
In the end, I just said to God, "God, may Your will be done" Whatever that is. Because His plan is perfect. And I'm not gonna email Sam anymore. It's just not working out and no sense bothering him if he's not ready to respond.
It's just that if love is really a choice, does that mean anything for me and Sam? Does that mean that the voice who said "He is not the one for you" was my voice after all? And not God's?
I must be overthinking... take it easy. Step by step. Breathe... and don't take it too seriously, that's my problem, I take everything so seriously... I need to learn to take it easy and chillax... and fix my eyes on the Lord... peace...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
What Love is...
I am once again reminded that love is not a feeling. It is a choice. you choose to love someone, feelings come and go but a firm choice will stand firm. So do I choose to love Sam as a brother by being patient with him and finding God's will in all of this, instead of focusing on my own feelings?
I was thinking this over and... all those hopes and promises and dreams we had together, we could still do them if we were friends. So today at the Arabic Church, during worship time, I prayed that God would heal Sam's heart, and that God would bring us back together as friends. I prayed for healing and peace. And I think I got it.
Funny how little things remind me of him. Even the heat in Pastor Fiona's car... it reminded me of how Sam was hoping one day we could listen to jazz music by a fireplace. Hmm... Yeah. Anyway, random connections.
I'm going to be patient. I realize that sometimes keeping my mouth shut is the best way to love someone, and the best way to guard my heart. Silence can hurt, but words can hurt even more... and silence sometimes speaks louder than words anyway, in a better way. It creates less misunderstanding sometimes too... Maybe Sam was being wise to stay silent, after all. I really love him for that.
I was thinking this over and... all those hopes and promises and dreams we had together, we could still do them if we were friends. So today at the Arabic Church, during worship time, I prayed that God would heal Sam's heart, and that God would bring us back together as friends. I prayed for healing and peace. And I think I got it.
Funny how little things remind me of him. Even the heat in Pastor Fiona's car... it reminded me of how Sam was hoping one day we could listen to jazz music by a fireplace. Hmm... Yeah. Anyway, random connections.
I'm going to be patient. I realize that sometimes keeping my mouth shut is the best way to love someone, and the best way to guard my heart. Silence can hurt, but words can hurt even more... and silence sometimes speaks louder than words anyway, in a better way. It creates less misunderstanding sometimes too... Maybe Sam was being wise to stay silent, after all. I really love him for that.
Feeling a bit better
Today is a sunny day. That helps. And I took 2 Vitamin D pills to combat depression, as well as 3 iron pills to combat tiredness/wantingtodie. Seriously, that's how important your vitamins are. I can't wait till my period is over... it's been going on for three weeks now.
I miss Sam a lot. I think that it is such a loss. We could have been great friends but basically our taking things too seriously in terms of romantic relationship ruined it. And especially on my part, my expectations ruined the friendship. For Sam, he was doing pretty alright but because of my expectations I had to tell him to stop waiting and I let him down. Well it's not just because of expectations... it's also God telling me... but it didn't have to be so dramatic if we were only friends and nothing more just to begin with.
I'm so tired of work and life. I just want to sleep all day, sing, dance, listen to music, and do nothing. I don't want to do essays, although I'm pressured to keep up my mark to get scholarships. Yeah. Weird, Martine used to be so driven to work... now she's a work avoider.
I think that this year, I'm sort of dreading Christmas because it's when I'll possibly see Sam back at church. What if I changed my hair and look so much that he wouldn't recognize me? And I could hide from him? Cuz honestly, if we can't be friends, it's gonna be weird and hard to see him again. I'm just saying, im not gonna become a goth or anything, although... I did think of that too. Ashlee Simpson style... ish.
I already cut my hair. Doesn't look too different, but it looks better now I think cuz it's less messy and tangly. I'm very proud of myself, finally figuring out how to cut my own hair in a layered way without taking up 2 hours. I took barely half an hour to do it... I think... It felt quick.
I keep thinking that if I ever get a face painting I would like a raindrop on my right cheek. Random thoughts, yes I know. And that if I ever try to put on makeup it would be black liquid eyeliner. And I'd have long dangly earrings.
My health, my mom's health too, is screwed over because of busyness. Money is such a big issue. But health is a bigger issue I guess. During Christmas break I'm going to help my mom with chores because she keeps doing all of it by herself and stressing herself out with taking care of grandparents. Im not going to Montreal this Christmas. It's too bad. At least doing chores is better than getting yelled at or nagged at. Maybe I'll even make friends with the snow.
Sometimes I feel like I am so melodramatic and pathetic. Or ditzy. But that's just how I express myself and I hope people will accept me for who I am.
I miss Sam a lot. I think that it is such a loss. We could have been great friends but basically our taking things too seriously in terms of romantic relationship ruined it. And especially on my part, my expectations ruined the friendship. For Sam, he was doing pretty alright but because of my expectations I had to tell him to stop waiting and I let him down. Well it's not just because of expectations... it's also God telling me... but it didn't have to be so dramatic if we were only friends and nothing more just to begin with.
I'm so tired of work and life. I just want to sleep all day, sing, dance, listen to music, and do nothing. I don't want to do essays, although I'm pressured to keep up my mark to get scholarships. Yeah. Weird, Martine used to be so driven to work... now she's a work avoider.
I think that this year, I'm sort of dreading Christmas because it's when I'll possibly see Sam back at church. What if I changed my hair and look so much that he wouldn't recognize me? And I could hide from him? Cuz honestly, if we can't be friends, it's gonna be weird and hard to see him again. I'm just saying, im not gonna become a goth or anything, although... I did think of that too. Ashlee Simpson style... ish.
I already cut my hair. Doesn't look too different, but it looks better now I think cuz it's less messy and tangly. I'm very proud of myself, finally figuring out how to cut my own hair in a layered way without taking up 2 hours. I took barely half an hour to do it... I think... It felt quick.
I keep thinking that if I ever get a face painting I would like a raindrop on my right cheek. Random thoughts, yes I know. And that if I ever try to put on makeup it would be black liquid eyeliner. And I'd have long dangly earrings.
My health, my mom's health too, is screwed over because of busyness. Money is such a big issue. But health is a bigger issue I guess. During Christmas break I'm going to help my mom with chores because she keeps doing all of it by herself and stressing herself out with taking care of grandparents. Im not going to Montreal this Christmas. It's too bad. At least doing chores is better than getting yelled at or nagged at. Maybe I'll even make friends with the snow.
Sometimes I feel like I am so melodramatic and pathetic. Or ditzy. But that's just how I express myself and I hope people will accept me for who I am.
Friday, November 5, 2010
UGH NOOOO
Ugh no today is again one of those days where im off and on so tired or stressed that I want to die/collapse. Dont worry im not gonna die. Just want to sleep it all out. It's so stressful because I sent Sam an email saying that if we could meet up to talk it would be good to clear up misunderstanding and Tom still has my stack of letters and I don't know whether or not Sam said anything to me. Kevin says he's being a child and I am just wanting to not care anymore but I end up caring too much anyway. I don't know what love is anymore... and after talking to Pastor Fiona I realize how much I obsess and attach myself to boys. It's not healthy at all. I pour my heart out when they are not even ready to receive it. And I mess myself up as a result. :(
Kevin says I should take care of myself more. Sigh. Yeah I should. And Pastor Fiona says I should have more fun in life, and actually LIVE. Not just volunteer, work, and do school like some hardworking person who doesn't have a life. AHHHH
I sometimes wish that I could take a big break. But mom doesnt want me to go anywhere this Christmas break. It's just going to be torture at home. Mental torture because whenever I stay at home too long, my mom and I clash heads. I really want to go to Montreal.
Today I cried a bit at my library job. I just felt so morbid, just so stressed and tired. And I just thought maybe Sam didn't care anymore. I thought about if I died today what would happen or what would be my last wish that's how morbid it became. I was thinking my last wish would be to go to Montreal and tell everyone that Jesus loves them, whether it is politically correct or not. I jsut dont want my friends to go to hell.
And also my last wish would be to see Sam again and hope he will understand. Damn why do I love him so much anyway? I only spent less than 2 months with him if you really think about it. Damn!
Anyway, I can't wait to just sleep it off tonight.
Kevin says I should take care of myself more. Sigh. Yeah I should. And Pastor Fiona says I should have more fun in life, and actually LIVE. Not just volunteer, work, and do school like some hardworking person who doesn't have a life. AHHHH
I sometimes wish that I could take a big break. But mom doesnt want me to go anywhere this Christmas break. It's just going to be torture at home. Mental torture because whenever I stay at home too long, my mom and I clash heads. I really want to go to Montreal.
Today I cried a bit at my library job. I just felt so morbid, just so stressed and tired. And I just thought maybe Sam didn't care anymore. I thought about if I died today what would happen or what would be my last wish that's how morbid it became. I was thinking my last wish would be to go to Montreal and tell everyone that Jesus loves them, whether it is politically correct or not. I jsut dont want my friends to go to hell.
And also my last wish would be to see Sam again and hope he will understand. Damn why do I love him so much anyway? I only spent less than 2 months with him if you really think about it. Damn!
Anyway, I can't wait to just sleep it off tonight.
Martine + Boys = Trouble
Pastor Fiona and I met up and we talked about how I always talk to guy friends about problems. This is unhealthy cuz I need to set a boundary and talk to more girlfriends so that problems will not start up later on. Also, I need to guard my heart by not throwing out my whole heart on the table expecting guys to catch it. I shouldn't be sharing my whole life story with guys or my whole feelings. Cuz just cuz a guy says he likes or loves me doesn't mean Squat. It means nothing. I have to be careful and take things slow and not hold onto them like a leech either. Sigh.
Trouble.
Pastor Fiona and I met up and we talked about how I always talk to guy friends about problems. This is unhealthy cuz I need to set a boundary and talk to more girlfriends so that problems will not start up later on. Also, I need to guard my heart by not throwing out my whole heart on the table expecting guys to catch it. I shouldn't be sharing my whole life story with guys or my whole feelings. Cuz just cuz a guy says he likes or loves me doesn't mean Squat. It means nothing. I have to be careful and take things slow and not hold onto them like a leech either. Sigh.
Trouble.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thanks Ishanie for sharing this with me...
Dame tus Ojos| Give me your Eyes
Por Marcela Ganara
Dame tus ojos quiero ver
Give me your eyes, I want to see
Dame tus palabras, quiero hablar
Give me your words, I want to speak
Dame tu parecer
Give me the way you are
Dame tus pies, yo quiero ir
Give me your feet, I want to go
Dame tus deseos para sentir
Give me your desires to feel
Dame tu parecer
Give me the way you are
Dame lo que necesito
Give me what I need
Para ser como tu
To be like you
// Dame tu voz, dame tu aliento
// Give me your voice, give me your breath
Toma mi tiempo es para ti
Take my time, it’s for you
Dame el camino que debo seguir
Give me the way that I ought to follow
Dame tus sueños, tus anhelos
Give me your dreams, your yearnings
Tus pensamientos, tu sentir
Your thoughts, your feelings
Dame tu vida para vivir //
Give me your life to live //
Déjame ver lo que tu ves
Leave me to see what you see
Dame de tu gracia, tu poder
Give me your grace, your power
Dame tu corazón
Give me your heart
Déjame ver en tu interior
Leave me to see your interior
Para ser cambiado por tu amor
To be changed by your love
Dame tu corazón
Give me your heart
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Personal analysis
I have a very vulnerable heart and mind. I often seek to make others happy, sometimes it makes me even anxious. If you are a single male, and you are very nice to me, and if I like your personality, and if I come close to you as a friend, beware. I might just start having a crush on you. Sigh. I can get obsessed easily too. And I often seek warmth.
I tried to analyze why I am so prone to falling for guys. I don't want to rewrite it out here. Too late in the night (12:40am) to write about something so theoretical and having so many facets to it...
But tonight I felt very happy to meet some new friends (Marvelle, Emily, and Perguson) who came from China to learn ESL here. They are here for about one year only at a homestay. They are so nice. They are teens.
If I tell you the number of guys I crushed on this year, you will be appalled. I jump back and forth with guys. My feelings always change. Unless I already decided to commit myself of course... but even then... temptations.
I miss Sam as a friend. I really do. I really wonder what he thinks and if he would want to be friends again sometime... or if he doesn't think it's worth it. He was talking about sacrificial love on his blog. Maybe he would still want to love me.
Today I was hanging out with Mike Wong and others. Sometimes I can't help but compare how much care Mike has shown and how much care Sam was able to show. I can't blame Sam but I guess I felt a lot more care from guys at my church than from Sam, and that's a big part of the reason why I had such a hard time without him around this semester.
I don't know, I'm getting a bit tired and I should go to sleep to be ready for class tomorrow. I just wish that my heart was stronger. Sometimes I just feel so weak.
I tried to analyze why I am so prone to falling for guys. I don't want to rewrite it out here. Too late in the night (12:40am) to write about something so theoretical and having so many facets to it...
But tonight I felt very happy to meet some new friends (Marvelle, Emily, and Perguson) who came from China to learn ESL here. They are here for about one year only at a homestay. They are so nice. They are teens.
If I tell you the number of guys I crushed on this year, you will be appalled. I jump back and forth with guys. My feelings always change. Unless I already decided to commit myself of course... but even then... temptations.
I miss Sam as a friend. I really do. I really wonder what he thinks and if he would want to be friends again sometime... or if he doesn't think it's worth it. He was talking about sacrificial love on his blog. Maybe he would still want to love me.
Today I was hanging out with Mike Wong and others. Sometimes I can't help but compare how much care Mike has shown and how much care Sam was able to show. I can't blame Sam but I guess I felt a lot more care from guys at my church than from Sam, and that's a big part of the reason why I had such a hard time without him around this semester.
I don't know, I'm getting a bit tired and I should go to sleep to be ready for class tomorrow. I just wish that my heart was stronger. Sometimes I just feel so weak.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
You know I gotta say something;
The beginning and the end, what's the difference between the two?
I mean I'm still trying to figure it out
I know one thing
I'm just getting started
You know all that stuff that happened in the past?
I ain't even thinking about that
It's about right now
And it's about moving forward
Uh, Check, Check, Yo.
Dear God,
I wonder can you save me
The more it makes sense
The more they claim that I'm crazy
I had to be for them to see me this calm
All reality, uh-uh, no TV sitcom
My pure will got me stolen from Grace
Eyes closed, salty tears all I could taste
Fall on my knees
Fall on my face
They say put God first and everything else will fall into place
So I've heard
Wise words got me thinking
Gotta give it time to let it sink in
I sound confused, I know
For what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world
Then lose his soul
For the longest I was riding high, cruise control
In my own mind making up the rules as I go
I swear it's not just my imagination
I heard a voice guiding me, navigation
Is it the road I chose or should I check the steering
Took a couple wrong turns, selective hearing
Is it fact or just my premonition
I see what's going on now, High Definition
Nothing but lies, I was living that
Wasted like lasiks, it took me time to get my vision back
Learned to recognize the fakes and the true snakes
So called friends, you know the two-faced
All in my grill like a toothache
Still you never find me under pressure
Like the last drop of toothpaste
My mission is never been more clear
The truth is never been more near
But I know I can't do it on my own
So I pray you give me strength when I lift the microphone
All I hear is Jin "What happened to the old you?"
See I could explain but I would rather show you
Word, check it out y'all
'Cause actions speak louder than words
So it don't matter how I mix the nouns with the verbs
New fans are glad, got annoint to my style
Old fans wanna know "What will I rap about now?"
Switch is up?
Yo, I gots to do it
The word is Jin's putting out Gospel music
See, I prefer to call it "Change-Your-Life" music
All in hopes that one day you might use it
Whatever they choose to label it, so be it
I proceed it
All I know is, I so need it
I'm certain that I can't rap forever
Before the curtain call I gotta get my act together
No surprise the wool over my eyes has been lifted
My entire perspective has been shifted
I can't call it
You can call it how you feel
Call it change, call it growth
As long as you call it real
I am no quitter
My journey's just begun
You are all welcome to follow, no Twitter
I know plenty of folks that wanna touch the gates of Heaven
Never been to church 'cause they can't relate to Reverends
Ain't no sense in me preaching to the Choir
Even with scorched arms
I'll be reaching through the fire
I stand firm
The enemy don't phase me
No need to wonder...
ONLY GOD CAN SAVE ME
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Jeremiah 1 (Bible)
The Call of Jeremiah
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying, 5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew a]">you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
---
Yesterday's Empty Chair #2 ended up stabbing me in the back. This morning I was not able to focus, after dreaming about you know who (in my dream we were friends no problem and were having fun at church as if no breakup happened, I guess that shows implicit or subconscious desires.) And hearing a song that reminded me of something. Boo. I got distracted and stressed. So I will no longer think about this guy, cuz the more thinking I do about him, the more bad luck I get.
So now I'm going to remind myself of God stuff (inspirational bible verses, etc.) and do my studying. And work. And smile cuz the kids are gonna have fun tonight at church with me :)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Empty Chair #2
I'm a very confused person. Looking back at Empty Chair #1, I see how at that moment, I just wanted to let out all my frustration, and it helped, it definitely did. But because the empty chair could not respond back, it was hard to see the other person's side of the story.
Today I read his blog (he finally posted something after so long, and yes, I used to obsessively check his blog but I managed to stop checking it so much, in fact, I checked less and less, and I thought today I would succeed in not checking, but as you can tell, I did).
Part of me really wants to know what he thought of my goodbye letters. Was he encouraged? Was he upset? was he sad? Was he mad? Did he misunderstand?
His blog doesn't reveal anything. And it's a bit sad that I won't be going to Cuba this Christmas. Not even to Montreal. I'm gonna be stuck in Toronto, and with 3 weeks of vacation from school I want to work and make money but it's hard to find a job that lasts only for 3 weeks, even retail.
So before I get back to studying I have to speak to Empty Chair #2. I find it hard to focus when I have stuff on my heart...
Hey ******** (name again censored, but basically it's the same name as last time)...
I still think about you once in a while. I don't see you the same. I think I managed to fall out of love with you. But in terms of brotherly love, I think although I was so mad at you last time (God forbid that you read Empty Chair #1 cuz although I blocked you from my blog, who knows if blogspot has glitches)
You mentioned on your blog that "Sometimes we learn that our significant other has had a change of heart. This knowledge does nothing but to cause pain." I wonder if you were referring to me. I really don't know. Do you really think I had a change of heart? Well, I guess I did, in a way. I had to, anyway.
Or maybe it's a change of heart for the better? Sigh.
I'm sorry for blaming you for making me fail my midterms. It's probably my own lack of self-control, I mean I could hav been like you, focused on studies better and not place my "significant other" on such a high priority list. Maybe I was idolizing you? It could be part of the reason God took you away.
I'm sorry for hating on your friend Ken. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. I just felt so frustrated talking to him. I still don't know when I can meet with him.
Life without you is a lot calmer, and it's not cuz you were annoying or anything, it's just my mindset... I feel more free, more able to concentrate. Thanks for setting me free? I donno.
As you can tell, I'm always confused. Always emotions going back and forth.
As you can also tell, I'm trying to run as far as I can away from you. I blocked you from everything. I deleted your phone numbers. I deleted your pictures... it's an actual breakup. Even though we never were official. But in my mind I guess you were.
You're really lucky.
I think I'm afraid to see you again. I'm thinking of not volunteering at TC, not talking to you when you come back to our church to visit, I'm thinking of not going to Tyndale even more, and going to McMaster... I'm thinking of spending summer elsewhere, so that when you're back at Grace Church I won't have to be awkward with you... I guess I want to shut you out of my life
But at the same time, I wonder how you're doing. That's why I asked Ken and then went thru all that trouble. Dang, if only I could figure out how to deal with this now-awkward relationship.
Do I still love you, deep down? I don't know. I'm such a bouncing person, not sure what I feel anymore.
You're not stupid, you're not a bum, you're seriously a good friend overall... except that we can't even be friends anymore... too awkward.
I can never let you hold or touch my hand again. I can never mess up your hair again. I can never hug you again. You said once on your blog/facebook "Love me or hate me, don't tolerate me." and "Love me or go away" because you just can't stand faker/polite ppl who actually don't like you. Well, I do still love you as a brother, I just don't LOVE you anymore so does it count that I should go away from you?
The more I loved you, the more I went crazy. The more I missed you, the more I obsessed about you. That's what happened. and that's why I blamed you for everything, cuz there was nothing else to blame.
It didn't make sense for us to love each other. Why didn't we remember what I said that phone call in august when i told you not to trust me? Why did you trust me anyway? I told you not to fall in love with me, and the opposite happened. I will never use that technique with a guy ever again. And with my personality, I tend to go crazy easily, and miss people I love crazily
I think after we parted ways I felt so much pain and yet so much better. I missed you but then once I convinced myself there was nothing to miss I was able to feel better. And then now I realize I just miss the friendship that we could have had.
You told me not to look at the past but to hope for the future. But what is there to hope now?
Today I read his blog (he finally posted something after so long, and yes, I used to obsessively check his blog but I managed to stop checking it so much, in fact, I checked less and less, and I thought today I would succeed in not checking, but as you can tell, I did).
Part of me really wants to know what he thought of my goodbye letters. Was he encouraged? Was he upset? was he sad? Was he mad? Did he misunderstand?
His blog doesn't reveal anything. And it's a bit sad that I won't be going to Cuba this Christmas. Not even to Montreal. I'm gonna be stuck in Toronto, and with 3 weeks of vacation from school I want to work and make money but it's hard to find a job that lasts only for 3 weeks, even retail.
So before I get back to studying I have to speak to Empty Chair #2. I find it hard to focus when I have stuff on my heart...
Hey ******** (name again censored, but basically it's the same name as last time)...
I still think about you once in a while. I don't see you the same. I think I managed to fall out of love with you. But in terms of brotherly love, I think although I was so mad at you last time (God forbid that you read Empty Chair #1 cuz although I blocked you from my blog, who knows if blogspot has glitches)
You mentioned on your blog that "Sometimes we learn that our significant other has had a change of heart. This knowledge does nothing but to cause pain." I wonder if you were referring to me. I really don't know. Do you really think I had a change of heart? Well, I guess I did, in a way. I had to, anyway.
Or maybe it's a change of heart for the better? Sigh.
I'm sorry for blaming you for making me fail my midterms. It's probably my own lack of self-control, I mean I could hav been like you, focused on studies better and not place my "significant other" on such a high priority list. Maybe I was idolizing you? It could be part of the reason God took you away.
I'm sorry for hating on your friend Ken. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. I just felt so frustrated talking to him. I still don't know when I can meet with him.
Life without you is a lot calmer, and it's not cuz you were annoying or anything, it's just my mindset... I feel more free, more able to concentrate. Thanks for setting me free? I donno.
As you can tell, I'm always confused. Always emotions going back and forth.
As you can also tell, I'm trying to run as far as I can away from you. I blocked you from everything. I deleted your phone numbers. I deleted your pictures... it's an actual breakup. Even though we never were official. But in my mind I guess you were.
You're really lucky.
I think I'm afraid to see you again. I'm thinking of not volunteering at TC, not talking to you when you come back to our church to visit, I'm thinking of not going to Tyndale even more, and going to McMaster... I'm thinking of spending summer elsewhere, so that when you're back at Grace Church I won't have to be awkward with you... I guess I want to shut you out of my life
But at the same time, I wonder how you're doing. That's why I asked Ken and then went thru all that trouble. Dang, if only I could figure out how to deal with this now-awkward relationship.
Do I still love you, deep down? I don't know. I'm such a bouncing person, not sure what I feel anymore.
You're not stupid, you're not a bum, you're seriously a good friend overall... except that we can't even be friends anymore... too awkward.
I can never let you hold or touch my hand again. I can never mess up your hair again. I can never hug you again. You said once on your blog/facebook "Love me or hate me, don't tolerate me." and "Love me or go away" because you just can't stand faker/polite ppl who actually don't like you. Well, I do still love you as a brother, I just don't LOVE you anymore so does it count that I should go away from you?
The more I loved you, the more I went crazy. The more I missed you, the more I obsessed about you. That's what happened. and that's why I blamed you for everything, cuz there was nothing else to blame.
It didn't make sense for us to love each other. Why didn't we remember what I said that phone call in august when i told you not to trust me? Why did you trust me anyway? I told you not to fall in love with me, and the opposite happened. I will never use that technique with a guy ever again. And with my personality, I tend to go crazy easily, and miss people I love crazily
I think after we parted ways I felt so much pain and yet so much better. I missed you but then once I convinced myself there was nothing to miss I was able to feel better. And then now I realize I just miss the friendship that we could have had.
You told me not to look at the past but to hope for the future. But what is there to hope now?
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Today I was just thinking how happy I am to be single, free, and being able to focus on what I want to do in life. :) I think the Empty Chair technique yesterday definitely helped a LOT!
As well as just no time to think about silly things. SO MUCH STUDYING GAH! And tons of work/tasks to concern myself about before next Tuesday! :P
I don't really miss him anymore. Maybe it was easy to get over someone after all, esp. when you didn't know them that well or for that long in the first place. I am RESILIENT :D YAY thank you God!
Now, my wish is for free money! haha! so that i can go on vacation!
As well as just no time to think about silly things. SO MUCH STUDYING GAH! And tons of work/tasks to concern myself about before next Tuesday! :P
I don't really miss him anymore. Maybe it was easy to get over someone after all, esp. when you didn't know them that well or for that long in the first place. I am RESILIENT :D YAY thank you God!
Now, my wish is for free money! haha! so that i can go on vacation!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Taylor Swift is always helpful after breakups. Thank you, Taylor.
"Come In With The Rain" by Taylor Swift
I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
Talk to the man with the reasons why,
And let me know what you find.
I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I could stand up and sing you a song,
But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far.
And I, I’ve got you down,
I know you by heart,
And you don’t even know where I start.
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears,
Talk to the man who put you here,
And don’t wait for the sky to clear.
I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I’ve watched you so long,
Screamed your name,
I don’t know what else I can say.
But I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I could go back to every laugh,
But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…
I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
Talk to the man with the reasons why,
And let me know what you find.
I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I could stand up and sing you a song,
But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far.
And I, I’ve got you down,
I know you by heart,
And you don’t even know where I start.
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears,
Talk to the man who put you here,
And don’t wait for the sky to clear.
I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I’ve watched you so long,
Screamed your name,
I don’t know what else I can say.
But I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.
I could go back to every laugh,
But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…
Thank GOD!!!!
Today I'm feeling so much better. Thank God. Still having bad thoughts and zoning out to think about you know who but at least I'm not so tired and stressed that I'm aching or wanting to die/collapse. Thank God.
Yesterday's LifeGroup helped a lot. We had prayer time and Ronson drove me home... so we got to talk on the ride home and it felt like Urbana 09 again when we sat together on the bus ride home... it's good when u get to talk and ur not in a hurry to go anywhere. Ronson was very kind and sweet. Don't worry I'm not gonna start rebounding on him it's just that he's a really good brother and I appreciated the talk and his offer of prayers, and his empathy.
Because of the great tiredness I had and the great LifeGroup time, I was able to fall asleep no problem after he dropped me off, and it was a very good and deep sleep. I wish I stayed in bed longer but I had class.
Today I'm working a total of 10 hours but I still feel fine right now after 6 hours. I have to wait until 10pm for another shift. I hope I'll be ok for tonight, sleepwise and stresswise. Yeah, it's not easy being me. Or you. ;)
I'm on a new road now. I passed that fork in the road and I'm ready to keep on going. Letting go is one of the hardest things in life. But it's also one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself.
Still looking forward to Cuba or wherever else we're going. boo school.
Yesterday's LifeGroup helped a lot. We had prayer time and Ronson drove me home... so we got to talk on the ride home and it felt like Urbana 09 again when we sat together on the bus ride home... it's good when u get to talk and ur not in a hurry to go anywhere. Ronson was very kind and sweet. Don't worry I'm not gonna start rebounding on him it's just that he's a really good brother and I appreciated the talk and his offer of prayers, and his empathy.
Because of the great tiredness I had and the great LifeGroup time, I was able to fall asleep no problem after he dropped me off, and it was a very good and deep sleep. I wish I stayed in bed longer but I had class.
Today I'm working a total of 10 hours but I still feel fine right now after 6 hours. I have to wait until 10pm for another shift. I hope I'll be ok for tonight, sleepwise and stresswise. Yeah, it's not easy being me. Or you. ;)
I'm on a new road now. I passed that fork in the road and I'm ready to keep on going. Letting go is one of the hardest things in life. But it's also one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself.
Still looking forward to Cuba or wherever else we're going. boo school.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dear God...
I'm so tired today, I could die. I fell asleep in Fantasy class for a bit, and in Psych class I was totally zoning out most of the time. It's like a physical tiredness at the same time as an emotional drained type of tiredness. I kept praying and praying for strength and I know I can make it through, but I feel like God I am clinging on to you by a thread.
The feelings I get of wanting to die are not very strong but they are very frequent today. I tried my best to eat well and take deep breaths to relax, but the fact that my back and left leg/foot/knee are hurting is also not helping. The Bible verse you gave me today God was really good. I will wait for You, I will be strong as I am weak, and I will take heart and follow You.
I can't wait till I can go to Something Fun tonight at Steph's house and just like stretch out all my muscles on her carpet (if she has one) and crash on her couch, cuz I know she'll understand. I wish I had someone's physical shoulder to lean on right now, God, I'm just really realy drained.
And I know metaphorically I do have lots of friends to lean on. But like I was afraid to lean on Walter's shoulder today cuz he is a guy and u know, lately ive been having so many guy problems that who knows I might end up liking him again or whatever. I already started to feel symptoms of bouncebacks or rebounds after this whole Sam thing but I'm trying my best to dismiss everything and just focus on what I gotta do.
Midterm next Monday is worth 50%. I haven't really studied that much for that course. Sigh, I need to cram again and it's not going to be fun. I have to work really hard this week. Really, really hard.
Jesus, all this crap happened during midterms. I want to ask why but there really isn't an answer so asking won't really help. I just wish it was November already, or that it was Christmas and I could go to Cuba/Dominican Republic and just get all this heavy baggage out by swimming with dolphins or bathing in the sun with girl friends. And not worry about guys or what they think of me. Not worry about decisions or cry at night or whatever.
Yesterday God I was looking at the moon and was thinking of that David Archuleta song. I was wondering if Sam would be looking at the moon and whether he would be thinking of me at that moment. For a few minutes as I was looking at the moon I felt connected to Sam again and you know I just really missed him.
I don't regret my decision because God it was You who told me to do it, but at the same time if only we could have spent more friendship time together, it would have been good. That's what I regret I guess, I mean if in August I made more efforts to meet up with Sam more, we could have gotten to know each other better as friends and not have to worry about relationship crap that always makes me so nervous.
I really wish I could get a massage, seriously... my backpack is so heavy and stretching it out during class isn't helping. I also wish I could sleep better, and not be thinking about so much stuff at night... If only there was an easier way to get over a person.
The feelings I get of wanting to die are not very strong but they are very frequent today. I tried my best to eat well and take deep breaths to relax, but the fact that my back and left leg/foot/knee are hurting is also not helping. The Bible verse you gave me today God was really good. I will wait for You, I will be strong as I am weak, and I will take heart and follow You.
I can't wait till I can go to Something Fun tonight at Steph's house and just like stretch out all my muscles on her carpet (if she has one) and crash on her couch, cuz I know she'll understand. I wish I had someone's physical shoulder to lean on right now, God, I'm just really realy drained.
And I know metaphorically I do have lots of friends to lean on. But like I was afraid to lean on Walter's shoulder today cuz he is a guy and u know, lately ive been having so many guy problems that who knows I might end up liking him again or whatever. I already started to feel symptoms of bouncebacks or rebounds after this whole Sam thing but I'm trying my best to dismiss everything and just focus on what I gotta do.
Midterm next Monday is worth 50%. I haven't really studied that much for that course. Sigh, I need to cram again and it's not going to be fun. I have to work really hard this week. Really, really hard.
Jesus, all this crap happened during midterms. I want to ask why but there really isn't an answer so asking won't really help. I just wish it was November already, or that it was Christmas and I could go to Cuba/Dominican Republic and just get all this heavy baggage out by swimming with dolphins or bathing in the sun with girl friends. And not worry about guys or what they think of me. Not worry about decisions or cry at night or whatever.
Yesterday God I was looking at the moon and was thinking of that David Archuleta song. I was wondering if Sam would be looking at the moon and whether he would be thinking of me at that moment. For a few minutes as I was looking at the moon I felt connected to Sam again and you know I just really missed him.
I don't regret my decision because God it was You who told me to do it, but at the same time if only we could have spent more friendship time together, it would have been good. That's what I regret I guess, I mean if in August I made more efforts to meet up with Sam more, we could have gotten to know each other better as friends and not have to worry about relationship crap that always makes me so nervous.
I really wish I could get a massage, seriously... my backpack is so heavy and stretching it out during class isn't helping. I also wish I could sleep better, and not be thinking about so much stuff at night... If only there was an easier way to get over a person.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Don't want to fall asleep
I'm done my essay, I'm done some other things that need to be done. I'm not that tired right now, but seriously, I should be due to the amount of hours I slept last night. The hours on this blog clock are not right. It's actually 1:02am right now, Monday. Anyways...
Maybe I'm afraid to wake up and feel a very deep hurt. Cuz right now I'm doing okay, but I miss Sam a lot and I still am in the process of letting him go... It's gonna take some time... I kind of wish on one hand that he would call or email... but it's probably not a good idea anyway. I'm in like "aftershock" right now. All I know is, I did what God told me to do, no question about it... and so in the future, I will not regret it... I will just miss Sam a lot, that's all. Kind of wish we had more time to just be friends together. And just hang out without worries. But I guess life never turns out the way you expect... and it ends up being more challenging and helps you grow as a result.
I hope I can go to Cuba, Montreal, and/or random cool countries this year. Cuz yeah, Thuy and I made the promise, and so... yeah.
Good night.
Maybe I'm afraid to wake up and feel a very deep hurt. Cuz right now I'm doing okay, but I miss Sam a lot and I still am in the process of letting him go... It's gonna take some time... I kind of wish on one hand that he would call or email... but it's probably not a good idea anyway. I'm in like "aftershock" right now. All I know is, I did what God told me to do, no question about it... and so in the future, I will not regret it... I will just miss Sam a lot, that's all. Kind of wish we had more time to just be friends together. And just hang out without worries. But I guess life never turns out the way you expect... and it ends up being more challenging and helps you grow as a result.
I hope I can go to Cuba, Montreal, and/or random cool countries this year. Cuz yeah, Thuy and I made the promise, and so... yeah.
Good night.
“He stood still. All he could hear was the rain. So intent on making his way along this supposed path that now he’d lost her. Surely he had lost the path too, if there had ever been one. He called out again, a confident, no-nonsense call, no reason to get excited. He got no reply, but just then saw between two trees a true path, quite patent, an easy winding way.”
-from the fantasy novel "Little, Big"
As I was reading over my essay, I realize that this quote can actually speak to something or someone happening in my life right now. Quite true. Quite real.
-from the fantasy novel "Little, Big"
As I was reading over my essay, I realize that this quote can actually speak to something or someone happening in my life right now. Quite true. Quite real.
Psalm 25:14-15
The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
----
:( OMGosh, the confirmation came last night... The little voice I heard earlier on in the day was God trying to tell me something after all... My heart is wrenched. I'm gonna cry it all out during church today... O Lord, Have mercy on me.
But don't worry friends, I'm gonna be okay. It's all for the best.
The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
----
:( OMGosh, the confirmation came last night... The little voice I heard earlier on in the day was God trying to tell me something after all... My heart is wrenched. I'm gonna cry it all out during church today... O Lord, Have mercy on me.
But don't worry friends, I'm gonna be okay. It's all for the best.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
At the Top of My Lungs!!!!!
At the top of my lungs I will sing Hallelujah!!
I'm not ashamed, I'll praise your name,
let the whole world know... I love you Lord
I'm not looking back. I'm NEVER looking back. I'm free, I'm forgiven, I'm forever loved, and I am not holding on to anyone except God my Saviour!!!! I joyfully embrace the road ahead of me, and I will lift up my voice to praise Him!!! I'm living for Him.
Whether you see this as God speaking to you, a friend speaking to you, or you speaking it to someone else, I find it a very beautiful and comforting song.
I will be here for you.
There's nothing to fear...
***BIG HUGS TO EMMY, JESS, ALICE, THUY, JENNY, SAM, ADRIAN, BHAVNA, ANIKA, CRYSTAL, SARA, JENNIFER, YING, KARL, PEGGY, LILLIAN, THE YUEN FAMILY, AND THE UASHAT KIDS!!!***
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