Empty Chair #2

I'm a very confused person. Looking back at Empty Chair #1, I see how at that moment, I just wanted to let out all my frustration, and it helped, it definitely did. But because the empty chair could not respond back, it was hard to see the other person's side of the story.

Today I read his blog (he finally posted something after so long, and yes, I used to obsessively check his blog but I managed to stop checking it so much, in fact, I checked less and less, and I thought today I would succeed in not checking, but as you can tell, I did).

Part of me really wants to know what he thought of my goodbye letters. Was he encouraged? Was he upset? was he sad? Was he mad? Did he misunderstand?

His blog doesn't reveal anything. And it's a bit sad that I won't be going to Cuba this Christmas. Not even to Montreal. I'm gonna be stuck in Toronto, and with 3 weeks of vacation from school I want to work and make money but it's hard to find a job that lasts only for 3 weeks, even retail.

So before I get back to studying I have to speak to Empty Chair #2. I find it hard to focus when I have stuff on my heart...

Hey ******** (name again censored, but basically it's the same name as last time)...

I still think about you once in a while. I don't see you the same. I think I managed to fall out of love with you. But in terms of brotherly love, I think although I was so mad at you last time (God forbid that you read Empty Chair #1 cuz although I blocked you from my blog, who knows if blogspot has glitches)

You mentioned on your blog that "Sometimes we learn that our significant other has had a change of heart. This knowledge does nothing but to cause pain." I wonder if you were referring to me. I really don't know. Do you really think I had a change of heart? Well, I guess I did, in a way. I had to, anyway.

Or maybe it's a change of heart for the better? Sigh.

I'm sorry for blaming you for making me fail my midterms. It's probably my own lack of self-control, I mean I could hav been like you, focused on studies better and not place my "significant other" on such a high priority list. Maybe I was idolizing you? It could be part of the reason God took you away.

I'm sorry for hating on your friend Ken. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. I just felt so frustrated talking to him. I still don't know when I can meet with him.

Life without you is a lot calmer, and it's not cuz you were annoying or anything, it's just my mindset... I feel more free, more able to concentrate. Thanks for setting me free? I donno.

As you can tell, I'm always confused. Always emotions going back and forth.

As you can also tell, I'm trying to run as far as I can away from you. I blocked you from everything. I deleted your phone numbers. I deleted your pictures... it's an actual breakup. Even though we never were official. But in my mind I guess you were.

You're really lucky.

I think I'm afraid to see you again. I'm thinking of not volunteering at TC, not talking to you when you come back to our church to visit, I'm thinking of not going to Tyndale even more, and going to McMaster... I'm thinking of spending summer elsewhere, so that when you're back at Grace Church I won't have to be awkward with you... I guess I want to shut you out of my life

But at the same time, I wonder how you're doing. That's why I asked Ken and then went thru all that trouble. Dang, if only I could figure out how to deal with this now-awkward relationship.

Do I still love you, deep down? I don't know. I'm such a bouncing person, not sure what I feel anymore.

You're not stupid, you're not a bum, you're seriously a good friend overall... except that we can't even be friends anymore... too awkward.

I can never let you hold or touch my hand again. I can never mess up your hair again. I can never hug you again. You said once on your blog/facebook "Love me or hate me, don't tolerate me." and "Love me or go away" because you just can't stand faker/polite ppl who actually don't like you. Well, I do still love you as a brother, I just don't LOVE you anymore so does it count that I should go away from you?

The more I loved you, the more I went crazy. The more I missed you, the more I obsessed about you. That's what happened. and that's why I blamed you for everything, cuz there was nothing else to blame.

It didn't make sense for us to love each other. Why didn't we remember what I said that phone call in august when i told you not to trust me? Why did you trust me anyway? I told you not to fall in love with me, and the opposite happened. I will never use that technique with a guy ever again. And with my personality, I tend to go crazy easily, and miss people I love crazily

I think after we parted ways I felt so much pain and yet so much better. I missed you but then once I convinced myself there was nothing to miss I was able to feel better. And then now I realize I just miss the friendship that we could have had.

You told me not to look at the past but to hope for the future. But what is there to hope now?