Kay Redfield Jamison quotes

"We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this--through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication, we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. "

"Love, like life, is much stranger and far more complicated than one is brought up to believe."

"Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest."

"I look back over my shoulder and feel the presence of an intense young girl and then a volatile and disturbed young woman, both with high dreams and restless, romantic aspirations"

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

-- Kay Redfield Jamison

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For those of you who don't know, Kay Redfield Jamison is an author. She was a psychiatrist before, and then she got bipolar disorder. She wrote about it and all these quotes are from her book "An Unquiet Mind". There are more quotes and at times I think she expresses exactly what I go through or exactly what I need to hear/learn from my disorder.

Si j'étais Québécoise...

On m'a posé la question
quelle culture voudrais-tu avoir
si tu avais la choix?

J'ai répondu,
j'aimerais être Québécoise.
Mais pourquoi?

Pourquoi n'ai-je pas choisi
d'être Chinoise
d'avoir les cheveux noirs et raides
d'avoir des yeux d'amande
parler une langue très spéciale
écrire des mots qui ressemblent
à des oeuvres d'art?

Aimerais-je mieux avoir
la peau blanche
un nez plus grand
des cheveux bruns ou blonds?
Aimerais-je mieux manger
les petits pains au lieu du riz?

Non, c'est pas forcément cela.
Je pense que mes ancêtres ont beaucoup soufferts
Et moi aussi, je souffre
être dans un monde canadienne
et mon monde asiatique
en même temps
mélanger mes philosophies
devoir atteindre des buts plus hauts
et plus idéales

Je pense que je me sentais comme
un béluga à Beijing
un castor à Canton
ou bien
un panda à Montréal
un tigre à Chicoutimi

Tu vois, je suis prise entre plusieurs identités
Je veux choisir une
J'ai grandi avec le français à l'école
J'aime beaucoup la province de Québec
la culture
les gens
les mets (sauf ils n'ont pas le choi!)
les endroits

Mais pourquoi je pense à cela?
On peut pas changer notre destin
ni notre identité
Au Ciel, il n'y aura pas de différence
au moins que Dieu fait avec moi
ce qu'il désire faire

Car si j'étais Québécoise,
je n'aurais pas connu Jenny
ou bien Adrian
Jen
Sara
Heaven
Walter
May
Selena....
beaucoup beaucoup de gens.

Mais je ne peux pas arrêter d'y penser...
Si je pourrais...
Si...

Uashat -- an amazing learning experience...

(English translation follows after, scroll down if you want to skip the French!)

On a passé seulement 3 jours et 4 nuits dans la région de Uashat (réserve autochtone) et Sept-Iles (une ville près d'Uashat), mais j'ai beaucoup appris durant cette courte période de temps. Quand je pense à Uashat, il y a beaucoup d'histoires à raconter, beaucoup de visages qui apparaissent dans ma mémoire, beaucoup de sourires et des larmes aussi.

Ma vie est toujours une mission. C'est probablement la raison dont je suis workaholic, je veux toujours servir et j'ai toujours envie d'aider, d'évangeliser, de faire ce que je peux pour Son Royaume. Mais lorsque je rentrais chez moi avec ma valise, le soleil brillait et ma rue était calme... je savais aussi que Doret avait raison aussi, je j'avais besoin d'un sabbath. Je pense que je vais commencer par lire des livres chrétiens et la Bible chaque dimanche après le programme de louange pour enfants, au lieu de faire du magasinage ou n'importe quoi.

Plus tard, je vais écrire encore plus mais maintenant, je dois préparer pour le camp d'été de la semaine prochaine...
---
(translated by Google)

We spent only three days and four nights in the region Uashat (Indian Reservation) and Sept-Iles (a city near Uashat), but I learned a lot during this short period of time. When I think Uashat, there are many stories to tell, a lot of faces that appear in my memory, lots of smiles and tears too.

My life is always a mission. This is probably the reason I'm workaholic, I always want to serve and I always want to help, to evangelize, to do what I can for His kingdom. But when I returned home with my suitcase, the sun was shining and my street was quiet ... I also knew that Doret was right too, I felt I needed a Sabbath. I think I will start by reading Christian books and Bible every Sunday after worship program for children, instead of shopping or watever.

Later I'll write more but now I'm getting ready for summer camp next week ...

No church :(

I miss church. I'm thinking of my friends at church, being in the presence of God, worshipping with other people, learning from the sermon. Today, I'm not going to have that. I was looking forward to going to church and even dressed up for it. Because the sign said 10am. But it turns out this week they are going on a church picnic in another part of town. Sigh.

Right now, I have a lot of time to kill. I wish I could put on music but Selena is sleeping. Maybe some soft hillsongs. :( I'm sad that I can't go to church. I can read the Bible by myself but I miss worshipping with others.

Life is a beach...

Dear friends,

sorry if I worried you a few posts ago, but these days I've been doing very well. I just arrived in PEI for what I want to think of as a "soul journey" with my dear friend and sister Selena. I am currently at the motel just waiting around for the day to begin. I'm quite the early riser. I already spent wayy too much time on facebook just now, trying to keep in touch but also killing time :P

Yesterday the taxi driver was super nice, he was like a friend and tour guide as well as a driver. He drove us to see the beach for no extra cost, and explained to us all the landmarks we passed. Our motel was freaky at first because there was hardly anyone, but we got everything figured out and watched Family Guy for a bit to calm our scares. Haha, yes, Family Guy, of all shows. I only paid attention a third of the time. The episode we watched seemed clean enough.

We saw the stars. WOW, it was awesome. We went to a clearing near the beach and we saw the Milky way and three shooting stars. Well, I think I only saw two but Selena saw three. She got an extra wish! Haha lucky girl. The first one we saw was BIG. But they are quick so we make our long wishes after they are gone. It took us a long long time before we saw the next one, so I was thinking that maybe God only gives one wish per day. HA!

but I was wrong. God is always there for us, and He looks after us even when we are in the darkest times. Or when we see baby foxes. That's right!!! We saw them! Selena smartly scared them away! We didn't dare get close, just in case.

This morning we're going to the beach. I hope I don't get bitten. That would suck. Then we're going to go visit Anne of Green Gables. Apparently, lots of Japanese girls come here, cuz it's a book in their curriculum. And they somehow think she is a real person sometimes, that's what the cab driver said. They talk as if she lives on this island, even though it's just a person with a hat-wig.

Anyway, I was thinking. I can describe life as a beach. Here goes...

---
Life is a Beach

Oceans roaring, seagulls flying
the smell of fresh salt in the big-blue air
The sand on my toes, wiggly coves
The breeze and flowers in my hair

You may think that life is a breeze
or that waves are crashing against you
life is a beach and you can see it
just the way you want it

You can look up to see the stars above
At night in the twinkling sky
You can be down and mope of the seaweed
entangled like yarn around your toes

The waves can be scary
or they can be majestic
It all depends on your outlook
The water can be shallow
or it can go deep
It's up to you if you want to follow

sometimes you want to just relax
sometimes you want to run
sometimes you want to spend time alone
or maybe you want a friend

A beach can be romantic
Or it can be deserted
It can be rocky
It can be rough

Do you notice the parallels
of your life with the seashore,
or do you pass this by
like a motorcycle
rushing,
to get to its next stop?

Roch Voisine-- Je L'ai Vu (I Saw Him)

I said I would translate this song for you... the lyrics are really powerful. Here is the French and English translation of the lyrics. If you didn't listen to the song, it was two posts ago. This song never fails to calm me and comfort me. I feel better listening to it after my sad times (especially after my previous post)... It makes you think...
----

Il n'est pas où un enfant pleure
Où la haine a cloué le coeur
Des hommes épris de vengeance
Je ne l'ai pas vu dans nos guerres
Quelquefois pas dans nos prières
N'implorant qu'un peu de chance
Je ne l'ai pas vu souvent
Dans une main tendue cherchant
A se mettre en lumière
Dans le flou qu'on tolère

Mais je l'ai vu là où des hommes à genoux
Demandent pardon et avouent
Ne pas croire en sa présence
Et je l'ai vu loin des villes, des cathédrales
Là où l'amour détruit le mal
Dans le miracle d'une naissance
Et je l'ai vu dans le silence

Il n'est pas où des hommes sourds
N'entendent plus rien à l'amour
Là où les mots sont ceux qui blessent
Je ne l'ai pas vu dans les étoiles
Mais dans l'homme le plus banal
Au détour d'une prouesse
Je ne l'ai pas vu vraiment
Dans nos yeux perdus, attendant
Un peu de vérité
Ni dans la peur d'aimer

Mais je l'ai vu là où des hommes à genoux
Demandent pardon et avouent
Ne pas croire en sa présence
Et je l'ai vu dans un regard, dans un geste
Dans le courage qu'il nous reste
Après des vies de souffrance
Et je l'ai vu dans le silence
Je l'ai vu dans le silence

S'il est vrai que nos vies sont entre ses mains
Dès que je pense à lui, je sens d'instinct
Un peu de sa force au fond de moi
Je n'attends rien de lui que je n'ai déjà
Qu'importe qu'on le prie
Et qu'on y croit ou pas
Tant diront qu'il n'existe pas

Mais je l'ai vu dans nos villes nos cathédrales
Là où les gens trouvent normal
D'effacer leur différence
Et je l'ai vu quand l'or de son souffle chaud
M'a montré un chemin plus beau
Comme une intime évidence
J'ai ressenti sa présence
Comme une intime évidence

---
He is not where the child cries
where hatred that has nailed hearts
of men taken by revenge.
I have not seen Him in our wars,
sometimes not in our prayers
that are imploring a little luck.
I have not seen Him often
in those extending a hand
looking to bring light on themselves,
in the blurred-up world that we tolerate.

But I've seen Him where men, on their knees,
ask forgiveness and confess,
that they don't believe in His presence.
And I've seen Him far from cities, from cathedrals
Where love destroys evil ,
In the miracle of birth,
And I saw him in the silence

He is not where deaf people
hear nothing about love,
Where words spoken are those that hurt.
I did not see Him in the stars
But in the most ordinary man
At the turn of a feat.
I have not really seen Him
in our eyes, lost and waiting
For a little truth,
Neither have I seen Him in the fear of love

But I've seen Him where men are on their knees
Asking forgiveness and confessing
That they do not believe in His presence
And I've seen Him in a gaze, in a gesture
In the courage that remains in us
After lives of suffering.
And I saw Him in the silence
As I saw Him in the silence

If it's true that our lives are in His hands,
When I think of Him, I feel instinctively
A bit of His strength inside me
I expect nothing from him that I don't have already
Whether we pray to Him or not
And whether we believe in Him or not
If He exists...

But I have seen Him in our cities, our cathedrals
Where people consider it normal
to erase their differences.
And I saw Him when the gold of His warm breath
Showed me a better way
Like an intimate evidence
I felt His presence
As an intimate evidence

I had the chance to visit Grandma today. Why didn't I go? Either way, I'll always be sad about this issue. I woke up this morning thinking I would visit Grandpa. But that I would use the morning to plan PEI stuff before my mom told me what I could do. I guess I just didn't expect my mom to say the best thing I could do is to come to Popo's immediately! I didn't eat breakfast, I didn't finish planning, I felt so much pressure. I wish there was more time, because if I could have done PEI stuff earlier and thought of the problems earlier, I wouldn't have this problem.

I feel this pressure because I also have to finish the camp planning by tomorrow, and I don't want to delay the planning. I asked my mom if my grandparents think I don't honour them. She said no, and that I could do my own thing today and visit them tomorrow. I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty because I wasn't there for Grandpa when everyone else was, and I wasn't there for him when he was going through the surgery. And I could have helped by staying with Popo today but I didn't because of that initial shock of "coming immediately". I am never comfortable with doing something that I didn't plan. Sudden change of plans don't sit well with me. I know, this is a bad characteristic in me, because it means that if someone really needed me, I sometimes don't want to do it.

I mean, if I saw someone dying on the street, I would try to help, emergencies like that I'm okay with. But planning for a day. Sitting at Popo's not knowing what to do or say without anyone else there, and I'd be worrying about how I will finish the camp stuff and PEI packing/kinks. I don't know! I just don't want to deal with anything. I just want to feel better. I know, it's selfish. And the thought of it being selfish actually makes me feel sad anyway. So either way, I end up sad.

I just don't feel like eating anymore. I feel so guilty and sad. Yesterday when I talked with Amy and Derek I felt better but with what happened again this morning, I feel really bad. I actually wondered if I should bring my laptop to Popo's and do planning. But Mom said it was only for the morning. But that would mean by the time I got there, they wouldn't need me anymore and I wasted time on the bus. Because I take time to get dressed and get my hair ready. It's not selfish, it's called looking respectable for Popo, even though she might not see.

I don't know! I probably don't make much sense to you and I bet the troll would say something about that, and seriously I don't care what he says, I will just delete him, I've been so nice to him but he doesn't care either.

Mom is also upset that I spent time with Adrian. How could I have not seen that coming? Dammit, love is so blind. romantic love I mean. Not God's Love. I sometimes wish I would stop being so blind and be my proper self. My rational self. I wish that visiting Grandparents was just as easy as volunteering at Yee Hong/Providence (yeah why is it so much easier there? I don't get it!), and I wish that there wasn't such a thing as expectations.

I wish my past hurt was wiped away, all the things that Dad said about me in front of my grandparents, all the things that Dad said about me in front of me, all the things that Mui said and all the things that Mom said. I wish I could start fresh.

I don't feel comfortable going on the PEI trip right now because I don't know if I'll even be happy. If only I could just bring my grandparents there and they wouldn't have health problems, that would be great. If only I could be a better communicator to my parents, and if only they would understand me better. And then they would understand that I'm going on the missions trip to help and not escape. And again I hate what Timmy said. He thought I was going to escape last year.

I don't know what I'd do if I found out the stuff didn't work.

I'm not an angel, guys. I'm a human. That angel whispering to me is God's angel, and I'm just a human, okay?

Today is not a good day. It is cloudy, windy, and rainy. If I went out today, maybe I would have never come back. I don't know. I don't function well with cloudy days, especially when the rain mixes with my tears. It's like, a sad combination. I don't know if I can go on my trips without feeling guilty. I don't know if I can do anything anymore without worrying or feeling guilty. This is not a sabbatical anymore...

Finding Jesus in Unexpected Places

The past few days, I was blessed to have good times spent with family. Yesterday, at Grandma's we had quite a few laughs and talks, and I chatted with Dad about soccer (although I keep wanting to say football... ah! My English is becoming French!)

And it's true that we can experience Jesus outside of church, even in our own homes or in times with friends. In silence (very hard to find silence in my busy life, but I gotta learn to slow down and quiet down)... in times when I open the Bible... or look for songs/verses online... in an email with a prayer request, or when I see a homeless man...

It's easy to pass homeless people by after a while... especially when you're going somewhere and you have no sandwich with you to give. But I wonder if one day Jesus will say... "Why didn't you stop to chat with me back there? Because whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me"

I found this song that actually shows very well how God can be found in many places. I know, it's in French, so maybe in the future I will translate it for those of you who want to know the lyrics. It still sounds nice, though, in my opinion, even if I just listen to it without trying to figure out the lyrics. The pictures are nice too.

I keep trying to tell myself that Jesus was also not accepted/understood by his earthly family at one point, and he said "a prophet does not receive honour in his own hometown" or something like that. So it helps me to keep things in perspective and feel better. But I think Jesus also had good times with his parents too, so during happy times I need to remember that.

Swearing

i just want to apologize first of all for me swearing in my last post. I can go on and on about whether or not christians should swear, about how swearing can be bad but if used in the right context it could be good, but really it's so complicated. I rather not swear and be someone who is smart and can use other words to express myself.

I found that this native rapper expressed himself very well in this music video... He basically tells us all that's going on with the native reserves in both pictures and words. So here it is...

That guilty feeling...

Have you ever felt guilty for not spending more time with family members? I feel that way right now. I'm an outgoing person. I like to travel, learn, hang out with friends, talk with friends online or on the phone, reach out, help others, and comfort people. But as my grandparents get older and I get busier, I start to feel this terrible feeling inside me, saying that one day, I will regret not spending more time with them.

Already my family is saying that I spend way too much time working on the computer, and yes, it is working, not playing. That I spend way too much free time on the phone, and that I spend too much time with friends/Adrian.

I feel so bad right now, I just don't feel like talking anymore. I did spend time over dinner with family yesterday, but it's hard to reach out the way they want. I watched a Hannah Montana episode and spent time with my sister, but it's harder with my parents. And it's harder still because when my grandparents were over, something would piss me off and I would have a bad attitude around my grandparents even though I didn't yell at them but they could notice that I didn't smile at them. What the heck!

My someone, who is an atheist, even said, "Mission starts at home" or "You want to feed the world, start by making breakfast" or something. You don't know how guilty and angry that phrase makes me feel. It makes no sense to me either. Although on one hand, you can't hate your family and not share the gospel with them, there is still something called time. It usually takes a lot more time for family to see God's work in you because they knew you for so long and they think you're just being a b******.

And although I don't do a lot of chores, you can't say that just because I only help with a few things at home means I should neglect the world and only do more things at home first. I can't do it anyway, because someone won't let me! And my specialty is talking about things, if I can't talk about things with my family, how do you expect me to reach out to them in the first place? And what if God did call me somewhere? I can't obey parents over God.

:'( Everything is really frustrating. I run on a different clock than my family. I need to do things at my own pace. I want time to cry, time to talk properly, time to finish what I am currently doing before doing what they command me to do. I know Timmy won't agree with me on this, but his family sure is different. And I have different feelings and different situations that he doesn't understand. And don't worry I am not gossiping because you don't know which Timmy I am talking about or even if Timmy is a fake name.

I'm gonna try my best, ok? Dangit! I always want to try my best, and I end up screwing myself over! I just wanted to make someone happy ok? I just wanted to make everybody happy. And I end up crying, not being able to let you know how I feel because I just made you happy and I don't want to make you sad again because of me.

God, please help these family members and friends of mine. Please take care of them. And please God, I don't mean to be selfish, but... please take care of me too. Thanks.

On the way home

Vous allez penser que je suis folle, là, mais je suis en ligne dans l'autobus à 3h14 du matin!! On est à Kingston pour une pause de toilettes (qui ne me fait pas du bien car j'ai trop de choses valables ici et personne qui peut garder ces choses si je quitte le bus.

En plus, quand je dors sur cet autobus, mon cou tourne de tout directions ( non, pas de 360 degrés comme un hibou ) et ça fait mal. Alors, voilà, j'ai décidé d'écrire une dernière fois sur mon blogue avant d'arriver à Toronto.

J'aime beaucoup Montréal. Quand je descends ou monte les escaliers roulantes, je me souviens du film '' Jésus de Montréal " que j'ai vu avec le cours de M. Riendeau. Et puis, je me souviens que je voulais vraiment que M. Riendeau connaisse Dieu, mais on ne sait plus ou il est allé... je peux seulement prier pour lui. Quelque fois dans la rue je l'ai " cherché ", juste en cas ou M. Riendeau serait à Montréal cet été. Parce qu'il est un Montréalais, après tout. C'est grâce à M. Riendeau que j'ai eu un intérêt pour Montréal vous savez. Et cet intérêt continue à se développer...

J'aime Montréal. Ouais, c'est ce que dit l'aimant que j'ai acheté au souvenir shop. C'est comme revenir chez moi car mon père y a vécu. C'est comme si je visitais la Chine ou ma mère a vécu. On ressentit quelque chose de profond, une connection, un amour inexpliquable.

J'ai dit à Peggy, "Do you ever think of what could have happened if one thing, one decision or crossroad in your life was different, how would it change where you are now?" Par exemple, si ma mère s'était mariée avec le pasteur en Chine qui l'aimait au lieu de se marier avec mon père au Canada, serais-je une autre fille en Chine? Si mon père par exemple aimait McGill et n'est pas venu à Toronto pour ses études, pourrais-je être une autre fille qui vivrait à Montréal?

Peggy m'a dit que c'est inutile de penser à ces choses-là car je suis moi et c'est Dieu qui a planifié tout. Il nous donne des expériences et si quelque chose était différent, je n'existerai pas du tout. Je sais, peut-être que c'était inutile de penser à ces choses...

Mais peut-être j'aurais aimé grandir à Montréal...

sauf que... je n'aurais pas connu Adrian si cela était le cas...

Je me rend compte que l'amour c'est vraiment un choix. Peut-être qu'il y a plein de gars qui ont des caractéristiques que j'aime mais j'ai choisi Adrian et Dieu me l'a fait rencontrer, et après une série d'événements, j'ai commencé à l'aimer...je dois rester fiable et finir le plan que Dieu m'a donné. Les autres possibilités ne sont pas des options. Ce sont des choses qui me font penser... est-ce que je veux vraiment rester avec Adrian après tout? Et la réponse est oui.

Je pense à des choses comme cela. Je pense à ce qui peut arriver... Dieu est mystérieux, tu sais. Je peux deviner son plan et avoir complètement tort. J'aimerais être pasteure à Montréal, mais, qu'est-ce qui va arriver à Adrian si on déménage ici? Dieu nous a promis une vie difficile, mais pour lui, peut-être ce serait très très difficile et pour moi, plutôt facile?

Travel Log- Day 4 in Montreal

To be honest, the day hasn't really started yet but I'm bored because I woke up and my travel friend is still sleeping like a log. :D I thought I would just expand on what I wrote yesterday, about my missions team.

At first our team had 6 ppl but the leader Priscilla and her fiancé had to drop out because of some difficulties. So right now, our team is made up of me, Matthieu, Joël, and Romuald. That's right. One girl and three guys. I was freaking out at first because Priscilla wasn't coming, but then I found out there is a lady missionary at the site and that she is super nice, and she also has a few daughters I think, so I won't be the only girl.

The teams are "older" than I imagined. I thought there were more people my age, but Romu (short for Romuald) is a PhD student (although he looks young enough to be my age), Joël is a GBUC staff worker who is married, and Matthieu I think is a Master's student cuz he named off two universities he went to. I still have to get to know them better but what I know is that Romu comes from a big family of 7 kids, and his origin is from Côte d'Ivoire (in Africa). He's doing economics and really misses his home country after being in Montreal for a couple years.

Joël is from Switzerland, and actualy I met him in Urbana at the GBUC booth, he's so friendly. And Matthieu is like the joker. He cracked me up the moment he walked in the room. He looks so enthusiastic and excited all the time, and I can see a passion of God from him. He was eagerly taking notes haha just like me... Romu and Joël went last year so they have experience. Matthieu and me are new.

I learned that in Montreal ppl's accents are really diverse. Some ppl have a strong québecois accent like Priscilla, some ppl slur their words and say it really fast like Matthieu, and people like Romu speak slower with more of an African hint to their accent. And me, well I switch between English sounding and québécois sounding, I know, it's weird and they stare at me a little when I do that. But they are really nice about everything and I felt very warmed by their friendliness.

I met Jessica Healy first because when I got there I was 1.5 hours early and just sat on the steps, in the rain reading my Bible. It was quite relaxing actually, I had a bag to sit on and my feet were killing me after walking in the rain with high heels (should have worn flip flops to church, but I didn't know their catholic church was gonna be so casual)... so when Jessica came to open the door, somehow she immediately knew I was Martine from Toronto. Seems like people heard that this Toronto girl was gonna come, and they were really happy. They all wondered where I learned French...

I have a lot to thank my French teachers for. All of them contributed to me being able to pick up French more easily here in Montreal. And my love for the québécois culture too. I like France too but maybe cuz Québec seems so casual and easygoing, I feel right at home here. And it's easier when we talk, cuz haha we slur our words a lot and combine 3 words into one sometimes. T'sé? J'parle pas bien mais ché que ch'us pas nulle! (I just said, " U know what I mean? I don't speak well but I know that I'm not dumb!)

hahaha... it's so fun trying to be québécois. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with these guys, and I know I can depend on them in times of struggle too. We were joking about the Martine books (there's this series of books like "Martine goes camping" "Martine goes to school") And they were saying, the next one is "Martine at Uashat" haha....

Ya, I can go on forever but you guys really need to be in a culture to know the culture, that's just how it is. Can't learn about it only thru a book or thru ppl telling you...

Travel Log- Day 3 in Montreal

Today I'm only writing in English because I need sleep, want to make it quick. I could go on and on about what I learned today, but in general today was my "eye-opening" day. My first time in a Catholic church service (mass) in a French-speaking church... my first time having the church door opened for me by a homeless man who didn't even ask me for money (although he held an empty cup by his side), my first time discovering that apparently Montreal doesn't have a homeless shelter (that explains how many homeless people I've seen everywhere!) and lastly, my first time in a prayer meeting with francophones and having sharing time with them about native communities (we were told not to use the word ''reserves'' cuz it sounds like they are in a zoo and are animals).

It's heartbreaking sometimes, to see how needy Montreal and Quebec is. People long for meaning and for God but don't know how to reach Him. There are also a lot of barriers due to history that block people from wanting to know God.

My heart broke especially for the homeless man who told me there was no homeless shelter here. After talking to him, I actually went to a coffee shop and cried, because I just felt the sorrow of this man, who has lung cancer, is miles away from home because he wants to join a program, has no place to live, no puffer or health care, and a little daughter waiting for him in London, who is his only reason to keep on living and not kill himself. I talked with him for a long time. I wish there was some way all his problems could be solved. It's so complex though.

And the Natives. I heard from a missionary that in the span of one month, in one community there was 4 suicides, and they were young people. We saw a picture of a little boy holding a beer bottle, wandering the streets. And yet, they still have so much to offer us, more than what we can offer them. Because they used to live on this land and own this land, so they know so much more about nature and harmony. Although abuse is rampant and there was even a girl from a native community who said her only idea of love was when someone raped her, these people have a culture and have a dignity that we have to give back to them.

The natives need the dignity and space to do things naturally and not through technology. Technology only cripples them and makes them not know what to do with their time. And the history is sad. Because the natives used to heal the Europeans who got sick from diseases on the boat. They used natural medicines to heal them. But the Europeans gave them nothing back but trouble. So our mission is really to go there and rebuild bridges, be humble and learn from them, so that they will learn to trust the new generation of white Christians, and on their own, find dignity and true spirituality again.

I'm Chinese so it might be easier for them to approach me, but it's hard when they see a white person. They said it was very rare for a native child to approach a white person and hold their hand. It is a very precious moment if they let you touch them at all. And another special thing is... the natives don't make promises. They can say yes, or say nothing, but they don't say no. And when they say yes, they might not trust you still. So you kinda have to wait until they trust you on their own. Takes time to heal a wound so deep. Only God's love can heal this kind of wound.

Another little goal we have is to go there and be dumb. Seriously. Because when we make a fool out of ourselves like for example not knowing how to chop wood or do fishing, they can laugh at us and relieve their stress. They can forget about what's going on at home and just laugh it off. It's hard for the missionaries or pastors there. Sometimes even their own kid commits suicide. So another goal for us is to encourage them, make them feel that they can still go on, not to give up... that what they are doing is very appreciated.

God was there before us. We are not bringing God to them. We are only there to encourage them with our presence, to come alongside them and be humble so that they can feel joy and respect again. 5 days is not enough to change a life in a native community, but it's enough for a little joy and peace to seep through and find them where they are.

May God bless Uashat and Obedjiwan, as well as all the other native villages out there that desperately need God.

Travel Log- Day 2 in Montreal

Je suis si fatiguée... Bien que j'ai dormi environ 8 heures hier soir, j'ai besoin davantage. Aujourd'hui nous sommes allés faire du shopping, chanter le karaoke et manger du rosbif. J'ai rencontré les amis de Peggy (Emmy et Andrew) et ils étaient très gentils. J'ai pas beaucoup acheté mais j'avais la chance d'apprendre plus de français. Andrew et Emmy m'ont aidé avec ça.

La culture montréalaise est pas mal différente. En plus de la langue et la composition ethnique, il y a d'autres nuances. Peggy avait raison que la nuit, il y a beaucoup de gens dans la rue qui aiment les partys, ils hurlent à hautes voix de temps en temps et c'est difficile de marcher sans bousculer quelqu'un.

Il y a beaucoup de sans-abris et beaucoup de trafic. Les feux de circulation n'ont pas toujours de signes pour les pedestrians alors on risque être frappé par une voiture qui tourne à gauche si on n'est pas assez prudent.

Je pense que j'hésite beaucoup quand je parle mais j'aime quand les gens me parlent en français au lieu d'en anglais. J'aime quand les gens me comprennent. C'est gênant d'entendre quelqu'un dire "quoi?" si je viens de dire quelque chose de très simple.

J'ai prié à Dieu pour me guider et de me protéger aujourd'hui. Guider dans le sens que, je ne sais pas si un jour, je serais missionaire ou pasteure à Montréal. J'aime Montréal mais à ce moment-là, c'est trop tôt à savoir si Dieu veut que j'y déménage. On verra.

Que Dieu te bénit aujourd'hui!!!!

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(translation by google translator... I know, it sounds weird sometimes, but it saves me time...)

I'm so tired ... While I slept about eight hours last night, I need more. Today we went shopping, singing karaoke and eating roast beef. I met friends Peggy (Emmy and Andrew) and They were very nice. I have not bought much, but I had the chance to learn more French. Andrew and Emmy helped me with that.

Montreal culture is quite different. In addition to language and ethnic composition, there are other nuances. Peggy was right that night, there are many people in the street who like to party, they howl to high voice from time to time and it's hard to walk without jostling someone.

There are many homeless and a lot of traffic. The traffic lights do not always sign for Pedestrians then you risk being hit by a car turning left if you are not careful enough.

I think that I hesitate a lot when I talk but I love when people talk to me in French instead of English. I love when people understand me. It's embarrassing to hear someone say "what ? if I just say something very simple.

I prayed to God to guide me and protect me today. Guider in the sense that I do not know if one day I'd be a missionary or pastor in Montreal. I love Montreal but at this point, it's too early to know if God wants me to move. We'll see.

God blesses you today!!

Travel Log- Day 1 in Montreal (written Fri. night)

Nous sommes arrivés environ 3h45 hier durant la nuit. Je n'ai pas pu bien dormir dans l'autobus. C'était difficile à causes des bosses sur l'autoroute et des bruits des autres passagers. Je pense que j'ai changé de position au moins 15 fois avant de trouver un position confortable, pis dormir pendant à peu près 2 heures.

Une fois arrivée, Peggy et moi devaient chercher un taxi. Nous avons trouvé des taxis mais au début on avait peur et étaient confus... car au moins 5 hommes étaient là. Un m'a vu pis il m'a demandé si je voulais un taxi. Puis, un autre homme a dit, "viens avec nous" mais je ne savais pas qu'il était un conducteur de taxi, alors je pensais qu'il était fou ou voulait me faire du mal. Mais finalement on s'est rendu compte qu'ils étaients tous des conducteurs de taxi... et celui qui nous a conduit à l'auberge était gentil et honnête, Dieu merci.

Peggy et moi, nous sommes restés au computer lab de l'auberge jusqu'à l'aube (on ne pouvait pas faire le check-in jusqu'à 13h, bien qu'ils nous donnaient de l'espace pour nos bagages.

Ce matin, nous avons exploré l'Université McGill, mangé dans un petit restaurant avec seulement une serveuse mais plein de monde, fait un peu de shopping (j'ai seulement acheté une chemise avec l'encouragement de Peggy)... l'après-midi nous sommes allés au vieux-ports de Montréal, acheté des souvenirs, pris le bateau-mouche et a vu un merveilleux film de 3D IMAX à propos du téléscope Hubble et notre univers mystérieux. C'était si beau!

Maintenant je suis à l’auberge. Dans notre chambre est Peggy, 2 filles allemands, 1 dame anglaise et 1 fille autrichienne.

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(this was translated by gmail translator)

We arrived yesterday about 3:45 at night. I could not sleep on the bus. It was difficult to cause bumps on the highway and noise from other passengers. I think I've changed position at least 15 times before finding a comfortable position, worse sleep for about two hours.

Upon arrival, Peggy and I had to get a taxi. We found the taxi but at first we were scared and were confused ... because at least five men were there. A bad he saw me asked me if I wanted a taxi. Then another man said, "Come with us" but I did not know he was a driver taxi, so I thought he was crazy or wanted to hurt me. But finally we realized they were all taxi drivers ... and he who led us to the hostel was nice and honest, God thank you.

Peggy and I stayed at the hostel computer lab till dawn (we could not do the check-in until 13h, although they gave us space for our luggage.

This morning, we explored the McGill University, ate at a small restaurant with only one waitress but lots of people, did some shopping (I only bought a shirt with the encouragement of Peggy) ... the afternoon we went to Old Port of Montreal, bought souvenirs, took the boat trip and saw a wonderful 3D IMAX movie about the Hubble telescope and our mysterious universe. It was so beautiful!

Now I'm at the hostel. In our room is Peggy, two girls from Germany, an English lady and a girl who is Austrian.

Falling into place...

I like it when things fall into place. When the struggles you look back on start to make more sense, when the problems you're going through are nearing an end. When the reason for suffering becomes more understandable, and when the planning for future events are done. I'm at that stage right now, and it's much much more easier to bear than being in chaos.

I realize now what happened with the job search and with the waiting time and struggling times. God wanted to train me to be more humble. It's easy after a while of being Christian to just think you know it all or are better than other Christians or whatever. It's easy to think that you are more equipped, more experienced, and more entitled to something. But God doesn't do things that way. He is a humble God, willing to die on a cross. Willing to stoop down and touch a "dirty" old leper.

I realize now why I didn't get the job at my church. Why there was a conflict between someone and someone, which led them to relationship counselling, which made them feel better. I now understand why we didn't go to Montreal last year, and why I was so moody this month despite the medicine I took. I now understand.

Although my problems are not over, at least I know how to deal with it. I know that when I can't control things, I MUST trust in the Lord all the more. Like someone said, a curse can be a blessing in disguise. And again, sometimes, it's deeper than the surface problem and we gotta deal with the real deal... whether it be a character trait that needs to change or a spiritual issue.

There is one thing that is hard to deal with right now though: for my friends to be happy. I know I can't make everyone happy. I just wish I could. There is a lot of suffering and hardship in my friends' lives right now. Each person has a different thing to deal with. Sometimes I can offer help, sometimes, words and prayers are not really enough.

I wish I also had all the time in the world to keep in touch with friends, keep doing work for God (still need to figure out what to do about CF handbook and VCF handbook), get better at French, and read the Bible in calm nature settings. More time to dance, plan, and exercise would be nice.

And I haven't swum in a long time. Stupid period problem. At least it's not making me moody right now...

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Montreal for 4 days. I hope that it will be a good trip... <3 God bless you, everyone.