I had the chance to visit Grandma today. Why didn't I go? Either way, I'll always be sad about this issue. I woke up this morning thinking I would visit Grandpa. But that I would use the morning to plan PEI stuff before my mom told me what I could do. I guess I just didn't expect my mom to say the best thing I could do is to come to Popo's immediately! I didn't eat breakfast, I didn't finish planning, I felt so much pressure. I wish there was more time, because if I could have done PEI stuff earlier and thought of the problems earlier, I wouldn't have this problem.

I feel this pressure because I also have to finish the camp planning by tomorrow, and I don't want to delay the planning. I asked my mom if my grandparents think I don't honour them. She said no, and that I could do my own thing today and visit them tomorrow. I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty because I wasn't there for Grandpa when everyone else was, and I wasn't there for him when he was going through the surgery. And I could have helped by staying with Popo today but I didn't because of that initial shock of "coming immediately". I am never comfortable with doing something that I didn't plan. Sudden change of plans don't sit well with me. I know, this is a bad characteristic in me, because it means that if someone really needed me, I sometimes don't want to do it.

I mean, if I saw someone dying on the street, I would try to help, emergencies like that I'm okay with. But planning for a day. Sitting at Popo's not knowing what to do or say without anyone else there, and I'd be worrying about how I will finish the camp stuff and PEI packing/kinks. I don't know! I just don't want to deal with anything. I just want to feel better. I know, it's selfish. And the thought of it being selfish actually makes me feel sad anyway. So either way, I end up sad.

I just don't feel like eating anymore. I feel so guilty and sad. Yesterday when I talked with Amy and Derek I felt better but with what happened again this morning, I feel really bad. I actually wondered if I should bring my laptop to Popo's and do planning. But Mom said it was only for the morning. But that would mean by the time I got there, they wouldn't need me anymore and I wasted time on the bus. Because I take time to get dressed and get my hair ready. It's not selfish, it's called looking respectable for Popo, even though she might not see.

I don't know! I probably don't make much sense to you and I bet the troll would say something about that, and seriously I don't care what he says, I will just delete him, I've been so nice to him but he doesn't care either.

Mom is also upset that I spent time with Adrian. How could I have not seen that coming? Dammit, love is so blind. romantic love I mean. Not God's Love. I sometimes wish I would stop being so blind and be my proper self. My rational self. I wish that visiting Grandparents was just as easy as volunteering at Yee Hong/Providence (yeah why is it so much easier there? I don't get it!), and I wish that there wasn't such a thing as expectations.

I wish my past hurt was wiped away, all the things that Dad said about me in front of my grandparents, all the things that Dad said about me in front of me, all the things that Mui said and all the things that Mom said. I wish I could start fresh.

I don't feel comfortable going on the PEI trip right now because I don't know if I'll even be happy. If only I could just bring my grandparents there and they wouldn't have health problems, that would be great. If only I could be a better communicator to my parents, and if only they would understand me better. And then they would understand that I'm going on the missions trip to help and not escape. And again I hate what Timmy said. He thought I was going to escape last year.

I don't know what I'd do if I found out the stuff didn't work.

I'm not an angel, guys. I'm a human. That angel whispering to me is God's angel, and I'm just a human, okay?

Today is not a good day. It is cloudy, windy, and rainy. If I went out today, maybe I would have never come back. I don't know. I don't function well with cloudy days, especially when the rain mixes with my tears. It's like, a sad combination. I don't know if I can go on my trips without feeling guilty. I don't know if I can do anything anymore without worrying or feeling guilty. This is not a sabbatical anymore...