I finished one essay, two more essays to go...
So... Chris Ko confessed that he liked me. And I told him I like him back, but, he needs to consider what he is getting into. The missionary life mainly... right now he doesn't even know the difference between Protestant and Catholic... don't get me wrong, I am not looking down upon him because of this, I accept him as he is, but if he is going to date me, I need him to know what basically makes up 100 percent of my lifestyle.
Did I make the wrong decision by telling him I like him? I mean, we are basically unofficially dating right now as Golda said. Friends who like each other. I don't know. It's too late to turn back now... but I am praying about it... He is definitely Christian though...
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I am weak but He is strong
I only slept about 3 or 4 hours last night. I wanted to finish my homework but couldn't concentrate. But I will trust in the Lord and work harder tonight... I will trust that God can help me do the impossible. May God have the glory.
The past 24 hours has once again been difficult for people around me. But I'm starting to get used to seeing crisis after crisis. I don't like it but at least I am more calm about it rather than freaking out.
I woke up early randomly so I just prayed and listened to Christian music for about an hour and a half and actually it helps. The snow outside is nice too, but I'm not looking forward to being in the cold.
I don't want to sound like I am more spiritual than anyone else. In fact, I didn't even read the Bible much lately. I dont want people to think I'm better than them. But I do want to inspire others to get to know God because He is my strength and satisfaction in life. He gives me peace when I am troubled and gives me the hope to face each day.
I don't think life is going to get any easier. It's going to be hard but we can keep fighting and never give up. Fight until the very last minute when you take your last breath, and leave a legacy of love behind you.
The past 24 hours has once again been difficult for people around me. But I'm starting to get used to seeing crisis after crisis. I don't like it but at least I am more calm about it rather than freaking out.
I woke up early randomly so I just prayed and listened to Christian music for about an hour and a half and actually it helps. The snow outside is nice too, but I'm not looking forward to being in the cold.
I don't want to sound like I am more spiritual than anyone else. In fact, I didn't even read the Bible much lately. I dont want people to think I'm better than them. But I do want to inspire others to get to know God because He is my strength and satisfaction in life. He gives me peace when I am troubled and gives me the hope to face each day.
I don't think life is going to get any easier. It's going to be hard but we can keep fighting and never give up. Fight until the very last minute when you take your last breath, and leave a legacy of love behind you.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Should I expect a crisis every hour from now on?
Crisis after crisis. This has been the week that everything went wrong with my friends.
-somebody's mom in the hospital
-somebody's dad in the hospital
-another person's mom in the hospital
-suicidal friend
-suicidal myself (only for a short time)
-another suicidal friend
-crying teen
-friend with chest pain
-friend calling with heartbreak
-friend's cousin died
WHAT NEXT??? This all happened within one week!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear God,
Earlier I was in shock. Thank God Chris Ko was there to comfort me. He stayed calm throughout the whole time. Golda thinks I should date him. My logical side is saying that I shouldn't yet. To pray more about it. But I am vulnerable. I want attention again, and Chris Ko is giving me that attention. I'm not as silly as I was before. This time I want to do it right and not rush into a relationship. What do YOU think, God? Should I wait longer, for someone else who is a devoted Christian? I mean, Chris doesn't even know much about Christianity, how can he be my match? Just because we have a few similarities and that he is a nice guy, does that suffice? I wanted to aim high, someone like Harold or Josh Chu... but they are not paying me any attention! I wish you could give me a sign. Please do, before I break Chris Ko's heart or break my own. Don't want to be in this cycle anymore.
Give me wisdom, please Lord.
-somebody's mom in the hospital
-somebody's dad in the hospital
-another person's mom in the hospital
-suicidal friend
-suicidal myself (only for a short time)
-another suicidal friend
-crying teen
-friend with chest pain
-friend calling with heartbreak
-friend's cousin died
WHAT NEXT??? This all happened within one week!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear God,
Earlier I was in shock. Thank God Chris Ko was there to comfort me. He stayed calm throughout the whole time. Golda thinks I should date him. My logical side is saying that I shouldn't yet. To pray more about it. But I am vulnerable. I want attention again, and Chris Ko is giving me that attention. I'm not as silly as I was before. This time I want to do it right and not rush into a relationship. What do YOU think, God? Should I wait longer, for someone else who is a devoted Christian? I mean, Chris doesn't even know much about Christianity, how can he be my match? Just because we have a few similarities and that he is a nice guy, does that suffice? I wanted to aim high, someone like Harold or Josh Chu... but they are not paying me any attention! I wish you could give me a sign. Please do, before I break Chris Ko's heart or break my own. Don't want to be in this cycle anymore.
Give me wisdom, please Lord.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
A Crazy Night
Hello everyone, how are you?
As for me, I am doing alright, just need to finish so much homework. But I trust in God that I can do it.
Last night was a crazy night. We were supposed to go to karaoke with lifegroup but Jack was so anxious, he started yelling on the street, punched someone in the back (a stranger who was just standing there smoking) and also broke free from my grasp and ran into oncoming traffic except thank God it was a red light so he didn't die. Since his mom was on the subway and cannot be reached, I called 911 and I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital where his mom came and lifegroup people came to support and help drive him and his mom home.
It was crazy. I never had to save someone who was rushing out onto the street to kill himself. Until last night I never rode in an ambulance before. Until last night. It was shocking. I mean, he seemed calm when his mom was there but once his mom left everything went downhill. We weren't really able to calm him down. But we are praying. He changed his mental illness medication recently maybe that's why and maybe seeing to many asian people was a trigger for his anxiety.
The rest of us, after Jack and his mom went home, we had a time of bubble tea to calm ourselves down. We ended up cheering each other up, laughing and eating and drinking bubble tea.
Thank God Jack didn't die. Sometimes I wonder if Christos is right, that suicidal people and mentally unwell/mentally challenged people may be better off dead. It sounds mean but that's a thought. But then I remember what Jesus said... "whatever you do to the least of these brothers of mine, you do to Me". Jesus treasures the weak. And he asks us to help those in need.
On another note, Golda has been trying to get me and Chris Ko to start dating. I'm not gonna rush it though. You may wonder... Chris Ko? Yeah he is a friend that Selena introduced me to. He is very nice, he was driving us all over the city yesterday to take care of Jack. Selena thinks we would be good together. He is a Catholic Christian and he has been coming out to lifegroup recently. I want to know him better first but Golda says he is already really into me, even saying he is willing to move to Montreal and support me as a missionary and support me as a bipolar disorder person.
As for me, I am doing alright, just need to finish so much homework. But I trust in God that I can do it.
Last night was a crazy night. We were supposed to go to karaoke with lifegroup but Jack was so anxious, he started yelling on the street, punched someone in the back (a stranger who was just standing there smoking) and also broke free from my grasp and ran into oncoming traffic except thank God it was a red light so he didn't die. Since his mom was on the subway and cannot be reached, I called 911 and I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital where his mom came and lifegroup people came to support and help drive him and his mom home.
It was crazy. I never had to save someone who was rushing out onto the street to kill himself. Until last night I never rode in an ambulance before. Until last night. It was shocking. I mean, he seemed calm when his mom was there but once his mom left everything went downhill. We weren't really able to calm him down. But we are praying. He changed his mental illness medication recently maybe that's why and maybe seeing to many asian people was a trigger for his anxiety.
The rest of us, after Jack and his mom went home, we had a time of bubble tea to calm ourselves down. We ended up cheering each other up, laughing and eating and drinking bubble tea.
Thank God Jack didn't die. Sometimes I wonder if Christos is right, that suicidal people and mentally unwell/mentally challenged people may be better off dead. It sounds mean but that's a thought. But then I remember what Jesus said... "whatever you do to the least of these brothers of mine, you do to Me". Jesus treasures the weak. And he asks us to help those in need.
On another note, Golda has been trying to get me and Chris Ko to start dating. I'm not gonna rush it though. You may wonder... Chris Ko? Yeah he is a friend that Selena introduced me to. He is very nice, he was driving us all over the city yesterday to take care of Jack. Selena thinks we would be good together. He is a Catholic Christian and he has been coming out to lifegroup recently. I want to know him better first but Golda says he is already really into me, even saying he is willing to move to Montreal and support me as a missionary and support me as a bipolar disorder person.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Moving again... but God provides!
So in early January I am moving over to Golda's house! Anne, my current landlady, said that she wanted me to move out in May anyways so might as well rent Golda's house which is available indefinitely. It's late now so I'll update more later. Take care everyone.
Positive updates
It's been a few days since the healing retreat and I'm still feeling great! Kind of hyper but overall I am still joyful, not anxious much, and enjoying life as a renewed person. Thank God!
There are some updates. I might end up moving again, and this is because Golda's dad is thinking of offering me a room at their house for rent that is cheaper and that way I can also be there for Golda and she can be there for me. This was a sudden proposal and I told them I need more information and need to think about it. But so far I feel like there can be a lot of positives, mainly financially and emotionally.
Being with Golda has been a very encouraging time. Her humor is very similar to mine and we laugh like crazy at jokes. Both of us feel that emotionally we are doing much better after we reconnected. God is doing a work in her family too, things are seeming to start to change for the better, praise God.
School is coming along nicely again, I no longer feel like quitting or giving up prematurely. I feel strength to do my assignments well, I believe I will be OK!
Another crazy thing that happened was that I believe I had a visit with an angel. I didn't see the angel, but I found on my bed an envelope (this happened Sunday) that said "The Lord Will Provide" with 200 dollars inside! On my bed! And I asked my landlady and roommate whether they put it there and they were surprised and said they didn't! God knew I needed the money and I can't think of anyone else who had access to my room, let alone knew that I was in financial need. So big thanks to God and the angel who put it there! This is one miracle that proves that God is at work!
There are some updates. I might end up moving again, and this is because Golda's dad is thinking of offering me a room at their house for rent that is cheaper and that way I can also be there for Golda and she can be there for me. This was a sudden proposal and I told them I need more information and need to think about it. But so far I feel like there can be a lot of positives, mainly financially and emotionally.
Being with Golda has been a very encouraging time. Her humor is very similar to mine and we laugh like crazy at jokes. Both of us feel that emotionally we are doing much better after we reconnected. God is doing a work in her family too, things are seeming to start to change for the better, praise God.
School is coming along nicely again, I no longer feel like quitting or giving up prematurely. I feel strength to do my assignments well, I believe I will be OK!
Another crazy thing that happened was that I believe I had a visit with an angel. I didn't see the angel, but I found on my bed an envelope (this happened Sunday) that said "The Lord Will Provide" with 200 dollars inside! On my bed! And I asked my landlady and roommate whether they put it there and they were surprised and said they didn't! God knew I needed the money and I can't think of anyone else who had access to my room, let alone knew that I was in financial need. So big thanks to God and the angel who put it there! This is one miracle that proves that God is at work!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
My experience at the healing conference
Dear friends,
I am happy to tell you that right now I feel free, unburdened, and ready for a new start. I am no longer fearing that I will fail school. I am no longer trying to bear all my friends' burdens. I am no longer crying about past hurts especially regarding my parents and past romantic relationships. No more of that. I have chosen to once and for all confess everything to God, and keep dialoguing with Him if any other troubles or hurts come my way. But I am healed!
No, don't get me wrong, I am not going to say that I am fully healed from bipolar. I am still going to take my medication, see the psychiatrist, and see the counselor. I may not be healed from bipolar but at the same time I can live as a bipolar person who is not tied down by the negative effects and causes of bipolar. I may still struggle but now I have a way to cope better with my pain rather than hurting myself or hurting others. I have learned to forgive. Forgive my parents, forgive myself, and let go of all my feelings to God.
All this happened because I finallly decided to go to the healing conference which I wanted to go 2 years ago. After going through this experience I hope that others can find healing like I did. The past 2 years I couldn't go because I felt I needed to do church work and no one could replace me. But this time around, by God's grace, other people were taking care of the youth on Friday night and Saturday I postponed the church leaders meeting. So I was free to go.
This healing conference is not like those things you see on TV. Not Benny Hinn, not those people trying to make money or make you fall down on the floor or buy magic handkerchiefs. No, this one was fully led by the Holy Spirit and they were basing their teachings on the Bible and personal experiences with God. The prayer team was trained in listening to God, they received pictures and words that spoke directly to my situation although they did not know what was going on in my heart. It's not psychic, it's not telling the future, it's just telling me the truth about myself and that God cares.
In the conference they talked about bondages, wounds, sins, and enemy strongholds. Satan uses trauma in our lives, usually related to family problems, to make us vulnerable to demonic attacks. But good news is we can be free if we go to God about everything, all our problems, He wants a relationship with us, not just a servant working. God sees us as His children that He wants to restore and bring healing and wholeness to. In fact this whole healing conference was called "Wholeness in Christ". Christ has borne all our pains and wounds, by His wounds we are healed. We just need to believe and give it all to Him.
At this conference I realized I never forgave my mom for being controlling and I never forgave my dad for the lack of affection. Now I have forgiven them. I also realized that I had fallen into a pattern of self-medicating through romantic relationships and being "busy" doing "work for the Lord". My need for approval played out through trying to do these things. I never realized until now that God is proud of me even before I did anything for Him.
God showed me that my parents were being the way they are because of stuff that happened in the past. My mom was controlling because when I was born she had a nightmare that somebody stole her baby (me). So that's why she always has this fear of losing me. That's where she started to want to always control the situation. Also because I always fell sick when I was young, so that's why my mom is overprotective. With my dad he always was the only one providing for the family. He felt that work equaled love. That's why I also decided to work hard and that's how I show my love to parents and God. But God doesn't see work as same thing as love. In fact He rather spend a day with me doing nothing except talking or just spending the time doing anything together.
The first night (yesterday, aka Friday), I came with a lot of expectation and burden. I knew that something special was going to happen and that this was going to be a good and healing experience. But I knew that I had to deal with a lot of my issues and so I prayed and cried during the singing time. Slowly as the healing conference went on, I felt less and less burden as I prayed and gave up everything to God.
People all around the world were praying for us. Even before the conference, they were praying and as they prayed for my name, one of the prayer team people got a picture from God. It was the picture of a big potted plant with lots of dead leaves but the top leaves were new and growing. It represented an old way of living that was decaying and a new way of living to be taken place. For you guys reading this you may think it's totally random or weird, but for me it totally makes sense. You won't know what I am talking about unless you get a prophecy that speaks directly to your situation. Basically it's a metaphor that speaks to your life and helps you know that God loves you and knows your situation.
I feel like finally I can break out of the cycle of trying to find satisfaction in guys. I know I've said this before but this time I really feel the freedom, because this time I dealt with the root issues and have forgiven. In the past I would force myself into thinking that I am happy single when I'm actually not, and still hold on to the past hurts. But now I fully let go.
I prayed so much today and others prayed for me too, and I felt freedom. It all comes down to "owning" up to your sin, acknowledging your sins and realizing you have been believing a lie from Satan. The truth sets you free and Jesus is the truth. You may not come to this realization until you are ready to face it. In fact, I was skeptical and lying to myself this whole time. It wasn't until I was ready that I received this healing. Pastor Fiona said she was proud of me. I am not hanging on to her approval but I am glad she said that because I do look up to her and she was the one who was trying to get me to pray through my issues all this time. I finally did it.
The new song in my heart is one of joy and love. God didn't just give other people (the prayer team) pictures. God also gave me three pictures... here they are:
1) Going deeper with God, represented by a picture of a scuba diver diving down to get treasure. A shark comes, representing Satan, but the shark is blocked by an invisible wall. The diver (me) goes deep into the bottom and finds a treasure. This represents me having a deeper relationship with God and finally finding the treasure that He has in store for me.
2) I am being sucked into a black hole, spinning vaccum but before I reach the hole Jesus pulls me out. This represents my cycle of despair and broken relationships. Before anything worse happens, Jesus is pulling me out of that right now.
3) A simple heart shape with the word "joy" inside. This is my new song. Joy in my heart, and love. I will sing over myself "Jesus lover of my soul, Jesus you will never let me go, You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and now I know, I love you, I need you, though my world may fall I'll never let you go. My savior, my closest friend, I will worship you until the very end".
There is no trick to receiving words and pictures from God. A person just needs to be open to the Holy Spirit, spend quiet time listening, and if it's truly from God you will know 100% that it is. Practice listening and if you get nothing, it's OK, God is still there with you.
No more workaholism. No more attachment to boys. No more believing the lies. Thanks to Jesus Christ, I am now free. If sin comes and entangles me again, I will say, Jesus has set me free, nothing formed against me shall stand, and God is my victory.
I am happy to tell you that right now I feel free, unburdened, and ready for a new start. I am no longer fearing that I will fail school. I am no longer trying to bear all my friends' burdens. I am no longer crying about past hurts especially regarding my parents and past romantic relationships. No more of that. I have chosen to once and for all confess everything to God, and keep dialoguing with Him if any other troubles or hurts come my way. But I am healed!
No, don't get me wrong, I am not going to say that I am fully healed from bipolar. I am still going to take my medication, see the psychiatrist, and see the counselor. I may not be healed from bipolar but at the same time I can live as a bipolar person who is not tied down by the negative effects and causes of bipolar. I may still struggle but now I have a way to cope better with my pain rather than hurting myself or hurting others. I have learned to forgive. Forgive my parents, forgive myself, and let go of all my feelings to God.
All this happened because I finallly decided to go to the healing conference which I wanted to go 2 years ago. After going through this experience I hope that others can find healing like I did. The past 2 years I couldn't go because I felt I needed to do church work and no one could replace me. But this time around, by God's grace, other people were taking care of the youth on Friday night and Saturday I postponed the church leaders meeting. So I was free to go.
This healing conference is not like those things you see on TV. Not Benny Hinn, not those people trying to make money or make you fall down on the floor or buy magic handkerchiefs. No, this one was fully led by the Holy Spirit and they were basing their teachings on the Bible and personal experiences with God. The prayer team was trained in listening to God, they received pictures and words that spoke directly to my situation although they did not know what was going on in my heart. It's not psychic, it's not telling the future, it's just telling me the truth about myself and that God cares.
In the conference they talked about bondages, wounds, sins, and enemy strongholds. Satan uses trauma in our lives, usually related to family problems, to make us vulnerable to demonic attacks. But good news is we can be free if we go to God about everything, all our problems, He wants a relationship with us, not just a servant working. God sees us as His children that He wants to restore and bring healing and wholeness to. In fact this whole healing conference was called "Wholeness in Christ". Christ has borne all our pains and wounds, by His wounds we are healed. We just need to believe and give it all to Him.
At this conference I realized I never forgave my mom for being controlling and I never forgave my dad for the lack of affection. Now I have forgiven them. I also realized that I had fallen into a pattern of self-medicating through romantic relationships and being "busy" doing "work for the Lord". My need for approval played out through trying to do these things. I never realized until now that God is proud of me even before I did anything for Him.
God showed me that my parents were being the way they are because of stuff that happened in the past. My mom was controlling because when I was born she had a nightmare that somebody stole her baby (me). So that's why she always has this fear of losing me. That's where she started to want to always control the situation. Also because I always fell sick when I was young, so that's why my mom is overprotective. With my dad he always was the only one providing for the family. He felt that work equaled love. That's why I also decided to work hard and that's how I show my love to parents and God. But God doesn't see work as same thing as love. In fact He rather spend a day with me doing nothing except talking or just spending the time doing anything together.
The first night (yesterday, aka Friday), I came with a lot of expectation and burden. I knew that something special was going to happen and that this was going to be a good and healing experience. But I knew that I had to deal with a lot of my issues and so I prayed and cried during the singing time. Slowly as the healing conference went on, I felt less and less burden as I prayed and gave up everything to God.
People all around the world were praying for us. Even before the conference, they were praying and as they prayed for my name, one of the prayer team people got a picture from God. It was the picture of a big potted plant with lots of dead leaves but the top leaves were new and growing. It represented an old way of living that was decaying and a new way of living to be taken place. For you guys reading this you may think it's totally random or weird, but for me it totally makes sense. You won't know what I am talking about unless you get a prophecy that speaks directly to your situation. Basically it's a metaphor that speaks to your life and helps you know that God loves you and knows your situation.
I feel like finally I can break out of the cycle of trying to find satisfaction in guys. I know I've said this before but this time I really feel the freedom, because this time I dealt with the root issues and have forgiven. In the past I would force myself into thinking that I am happy single when I'm actually not, and still hold on to the past hurts. But now I fully let go.
I prayed so much today and others prayed for me too, and I felt freedom. It all comes down to "owning" up to your sin, acknowledging your sins and realizing you have been believing a lie from Satan. The truth sets you free and Jesus is the truth. You may not come to this realization until you are ready to face it. In fact, I was skeptical and lying to myself this whole time. It wasn't until I was ready that I received this healing. Pastor Fiona said she was proud of me. I am not hanging on to her approval but I am glad she said that because I do look up to her and she was the one who was trying to get me to pray through my issues all this time. I finally did it.
The new song in my heart is one of joy and love. God didn't just give other people (the prayer team) pictures. God also gave me three pictures... here they are:
1) Going deeper with God, represented by a picture of a scuba diver diving down to get treasure. A shark comes, representing Satan, but the shark is blocked by an invisible wall. The diver (me) goes deep into the bottom and finds a treasure. This represents me having a deeper relationship with God and finally finding the treasure that He has in store for me.
2) I am being sucked into a black hole, spinning vaccum but before I reach the hole Jesus pulls me out. This represents my cycle of despair and broken relationships. Before anything worse happens, Jesus is pulling me out of that right now.
3) A simple heart shape with the word "joy" inside. This is my new song. Joy in my heart, and love. I will sing over myself "Jesus lover of my soul, Jesus you will never let me go, You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and now I know, I love you, I need you, though my world may fall I'll never let you go. My savior, my closest friend, I will worship you until the very end".
There is no trick to receiving words and pictures from God. A person just needs to be open to the Holy Spirit, spend quiet time listening, and if it's truly from God you will know 100% that it is. Practice listening and if you get nothing, it's OK, God is still there with you.
No more workaholism. No more attachment to boys. No more believing the lies. Thanks to Jesus Christ, I am now free. If sin comes and entangles me again, I will say, Jesus has set me free, nothing formed against me shall stand, and God is my victory.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Dear God
Dear God,
It's been a while since I have written you a letter or gotten down on my knees to really pray and have a heart to heart talk. I have prayed but just in spurts of desperation.
When I really stop and think about what happened the past few days, I just want to cry. I just want to quit school and take a break from life.
Golda is doing better now but it was so hard and intense the past few days. You know what happened. I rather not say it out in case my blog readers get shocked. Plus, it's private. But you know God what we had to go through. I just pray it gets better from here. I pray my emotional effort and words were not in vain.
God I want to run to You and cry and hug you. Please hold on to me. I am starting to cry right now... I guess it's good to let it out. I am going to see my counselor again in two mondays. I think she can help me. I also need to see the academic advisor I think, whether I should finish school earlier rather than later. Take less courses or something. I really can't concentrate in school right now, the more classes go by the more distracted, sleepy, and restless I get.
Is it really time for me to stop school and take a break? I really feel like I emotionally need it but maybe I should press on? I don't know Lord. Please comfort me.
So much stuff I still have to do, two big assignments, one little one. Ministry stuff, outreach stuff...
Seriously, the only thing going right in my life right now is ministry. Thanks God that at least that part of life didn't crash. Financially I am drained too. Please get me the OSAP free money soon. Please get me the ODSP soon too. I really need more money. Running out.
God thanks for listening to me. Please protect me, my family, and my friends. Thank you for being my God and being so loving towards me. God you are good. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You give me strength to go on. Keep me from harm, Lord, give me joy and perseverance. Lord you are great, I can't stop praising you. thank you.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.
It's been a while since I have written you a letter or gotten down on my knees to really pray and have a heart to heart talk. I have prayed but just in spurts of desperation.
When I really stop and think about what happened the past few days, I just want to cry. I just want to quit school and take a break from life.
Golda is doing better now but it was so hard and intense the past few days. You know what happened. I rather not say it out in case my blog readers get shocked. Plus, it's private. But you know God what we had to go through. I just pray it gets better from here. I pray my emotional effort and words were not in vain.
God I want to run to You and cry and hug you. Please hold on to me. I am starting to cry right now... I guess it's good to let it out. I am going to see my counselor again in two mondays. I think she can help me. I also need to see the academic advisor I think, whether I should finish school earlier rather than later. Take less courses or something. I really can't concentrate in school right now, the more classes go by the more distracted, sleepy, and restless I get.
Is it really time for me to stop school and take a break? I really feel like I emotionally need it but maybe I should press on? I don't know Lord. Please comfort me.
So much stuff I still have to do, two big assignments, one little one. Ministry stuff, outreach stuff...
Seriously, the only thing going right in my life right now is ministry. Thanks God that at least that part of life didn't crash. Financially I am drained too. Please get me the OSAP free money soon. Please get me the ODSP soon too. I really need more money. Running out.
God thanks for listening to me. Please protect me, my family, and my friends. Thank you for being my God and being so loving towards me. God you are good. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You give me strength to go on. Keep me from harm, Lord, give me joy and perseverance. Lord you are great, I can't stop praising you. thank you.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Emotional day
The song I am posting below is very soothing to me. I love Demi Lovato. She has bipolar disorder like me and she used to be suicidal, but she is now an inspiration, a story of a warrior coming out of her troubles. I love her music too. So I am posting this song not because I want my old boyfriend back, it's just that her song soothes me.
Today I got really emotional, was crying. I don't have much time to explain what happened, but basically I went to a funeral of a 51 year old lady from Charis church, and I heard some bad news about my friend Josh B who is still suffering from his concussion at the car crash last Christmas. I blamed myself for his pain because if I didn't invite him that night then this would not have happened. But I know it's not my fault, I just blamed myself because I had nothing else to blame.
I don't even want to be healed anymore from bipolar. It's become a part of me. I hear stories about other people getting healed and I get mad. I am happy for them that they got healed but I am mad that this world is unfair. But then again, it wasn't fair for Jesus to die on the cross but he chose to to save us from our sins.
So yeah, this whole world is unfair but God still cares so at least I have that comfort. It's hard to explain but every time I'm down God lifts me up somehow with friends and inspiration from Himself.
I'm not mad at God, I'm just mad at this life. I want to take a break from life, quit school, just take a break and enjoy life for once. But life doesn't work that way. But whatever, I will carry on and grow stronger.
Today I got really emotional, was crying. I don't have much time to explain what happened, but basically I went to a funeral of a 51 year old lady from Charis church, and I heard some bad news about my friend Josh B who is still suffering from his concussion at the car crash last Christmas. I blamed myself for his pain because if I didn't invite him that night then this would not have happened. But I know it's not my fault, I just blamed myself because I had nothing else to blame.
I don't even want to be healed anymore from bipolar. It's become a part of me. I hear stories about other people getting healed and I get mad. I am happy for them that they got healed but I am mad that this world is unfair. But then again, it wasn't fair for Jesus to die on the cross but he chose to to save us from our sins.
So yeah, this whole world is unfair but God still cares so at least I have that comfort. It's hard to explain but every time I'm down God lifts me up somehow with friends and inspiration from Himself.
I'm not mad at God, I'm just mad at this life. I want to take a break from life, quit school, just take a break and enjoy life for once. But life doesn't work that way. But whatever, I will carry on and grow stronger.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Life is about to get a little bit more complicated...
So... Daniel Case from church likes me. He gave me a rose, a plush pig, and a poem. The poem was pretty intense. I didn't say much, just thank you and a friendly hug. I don't feel any feelings for him, but I know I should give him an answer soon and it's probably going to be "Sorry , I don't have any feelings for you". It sucks, he is a great guy, even speaks French, just not what I'm looking for. What the heck should I say so that he doesn't cry?
Friday, November 1, 2013
Update
This week has been alright, spent a lot of time with my new godsister Golda. She needed my support. There was also some complications with OSAP and the bank, but all is good now because at just the right time, OSAP decided to give me a loan and free money, so that I don't need to pay them back right away. God always provides, thank God. Otherwise I would be in the negative right now. I'm still super behind in school, but at least Golda is doing better. We find that we stabilize each other. It is true that it is more blessed to give than to receive.
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