Prayers, hope, and love

Last post was very angry, and I don't want to end on a sad or angry note for 2009. I feel a lot better now, and experienced forgiveness and love (both me forgiving them and them forgiving me... so many misunderstandings over the past day). My sister gave me Urbana snacks just now, lots of them, and we're good now. My mom also tried to understand where I was coming from and gave gentle suggestions. And I say this without censorship.

Overall, with family, there is going to be ups and downs, but I guess without the downs you will never know what it really means to love and be happy. My family has been patient with my moods. I should also be patient with my family just as they have been with me. I spend some time sleeping and asking for prayers from friends from church, and so thanks to their prayers and also this song below, I am at peace and feel more ready to go to Urbana.

Thanks to everyone for being patient with me. I hope you have a fantabulous new year.



Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

St. Francis was born at Assisi in 1182. After a care free youth, he turned his back on inherited wealth and committed himself to God. Like many early saints, he lived a very simple life of poverty, and in so doing, gained a reputation of being the friend of animals. He established the rule of St Francis, which exists today as the Order of St. Francis, or the Franciscans. He died in 1226, aged 44.

Not happy before Urbana...

This always has to happen. Right before something where I am looking forward to serving God and learning more, I always have something that makes me cry or depressed or wanting to do something opposite of what God wants me to do. Satan likes to attack people who love God a lot, especially because they are a threat to his dark kingdom. And I fell right into it. Dammit.

I've been crying almost every day this week. Too much family pressure. Pressure about what to pack, don't lose your wallet, don't lose this other thing, put it into this specific zipper, no other zipper will do. People unpacking the stuff I just packed, people saying "There she goes again, mad and crying, I'm glad I am not going to Urbana". People taking my passport and not telling me where it is, people saying I didn't visit grandma, guilt-tripping me right before I was visiting my other grandma, people saying I shouldn't bring this or that, which bag to use even if I think it's not practical, on and on. You may not understand cuz these things seem trivial but they actually hurt a lot because of the same problem I am always struggling with: INDEPENDENCE.

If you don't let me pack my own crap I will feel like a handicap or little child. And if you force me to use a certain zipper at the cost of your yelling I am going to feel pressured and forced. If you take away my passport and put it somewhere that I don't know, I am going to rip apart the room you just so kindly cleaned without my permission when I actually wanted to clean the room myself.

And you can lie all you want to Grandma saying that Pastor Ray is the adult on the team who will take care of me, but in my heart I know that I am an adult now just like everyone else on the team, and I can take care of my damn self. I already told you that Pastor Ray is just another person on the team, and I am the leader of the team, so you better not lie cuz Santa will skip you over with his sleigh and one day you will understand that it is a sin to lie like that.

I wish life was easier but you know, if you wanna serve God you're gonna experience trouble, and you can take my stupid life as a perfect example. If you don't have trouble you know you are actually not Satan's concern. In fact, he might even be using you to do his bad work, to hurt Christians or other ppl who are doing what God wants.

I want my own printer, don't wanna rely on someone else's ink, and I want my own life that I can do what I want to do with. I need my own laptop and a blog that my family will not criticize or censor, and I need to be able to spend time with Adrian without feeling guilty or criticized by my family. My family cannot control me although many times I let them. I have my own life, and my mood will get better once I get out of this beautiful country I call home.

Oh yeah, I thought that my family accepted Adrian but turns out they don't accept him fully. And it makes me angry because someone just had to challenge me to a duel to not see him for a whole week after Urbana and not call him either. It's so annoying. Threats... saying that our love is fragile and that this or that. The person doesn't even know the whole story.

And I think this reading over the shoulder business that happpened earlier this year is gonna happen again so I'm gonna stop.

BYE.

Merry Christmas! (and a reflection about the year)

To all my dear readers, I want to thank you for your readership support, and those of you who have encouraged me in my walk with God or journey in life this year!!! Wish you all a fun holiday and Merry Christmas! Happy New Year too, cuz I will be gone to St. Louis, Missouri for about 6 days (coming back New Year's Day)!!!

In case you're wondering what the trip is for, it is actually not a vacation exactly, it is a trip to go to a missions conference called Urbana (www.urbana09.org) which happens only every 3 years (yes, I missed it last time). We learn about issues around the world that need our help and how to join into God's work spreading his message and love to others in practical ways. There will be music, inspirational speakers, Bible studies, workshops, devotions, missions fairs with different organizations showing their work and what they do, etc.

I've been the team leader for my Urbana team at East Toronto Chinese Baptist Church. It was stressful at times and sometimes I wanted to quit but you know, it was all worth it in the end, now that the trip is approaching.

I am having a great Christmas break so far, seeing a lot of friends and as usual, having a lot of activities :D but it could be a bad thing if I overload myself... I saw the Sound of Music, wow, so good it made me wanna cry! I was so amazed at the set, how the stage moved, the lighting, and the music was not as bad as I was worried it could be. The only thing I cringed at was how Maria seemed too young for the Captain. :P But that's only a minor thing, the whole musical was AMAZING! I'm so glad we went and got 57 dollar tickets (trust me, it was discounted).

Also, a bunch of us went caroling at a seniors' home, and it was also very fun, although sometimes embarrassing. I accidentally said the wrong thing to a man who shared to me that his wife had passed away, but thank God he was okay in the end, after I told him things to help him feel like I understood. I unfortunately or fortunately don't think I will organize caroling next year, it's just a bit of a headache sometimes, although I guess in the long run it didn't go to waste but I hope other ppl can organize it so that I can go on a sabbatical.

It was good to see Junie, David, Chris, and José yesterday. We had a good time eating lunch and although I was a bit bored during Adrian and José's HeroClix game, at least I enjoy looking at the HeroClix for artistic purposes and got to update my prayer book while I waited for them to finish :D.

This is my first Christmas season spent with Adrian. It is very very special to me. I will never forget. That's why I wanted to make sure we take a picture together. Tonight was the church event and although at first I was sad that a lot of friends couldn't come, it turned out that a bunch of them did. Peter, May, Walter, Ally, Irene, and a new friend... Leanne... Leanne is a grade 3 girl who was crying when I first came into the church. But slowly I got her a bit more cheered up and I hope to see her in Children's worship in the New Year. It was her first day today, and she was extremely shy at first. Now I think she really likes me. :D

This year was characterized by roller coasters. (did I say the same thing last year? Maybe I should say, rolling mountains this time.) Anyway, ups and downs. But right now the whole year is a blur and I only remember the happy times I spent with Adrian the most. I'm really glad about that. He makes such a big difference in my life.

I don't remember last year's resolutions, and so I hypothesize that since resolutions only last for 2 months anyways, we should call them New 2 months' resolutions. So here are mine:

1. Join a professional dance class (aka Alcina's dance studio!!!)
2. Stop overloading myself with excessive work (aka remember that the suggested SCSU standing committee membership is 2 standing committees for a reason, and do less guitar lessons)
3. Play violin more, for FUN!
4. Get my G2 (might take more than 2 months but might as well start)
5. Exercise 2x a month with Adrian... and we have to do REAL exercise, the kind that makes us SWEAT! (I know Adrian will like it when we exercise... or not)
6. Get organized for school. (aka make sure you are writing in the right notebook for your respective courses)
7. Saturdays reserved for REST. (including Adrian time, which is usually restful)

Things have gotten a lot better as the year progressed. Last Christmas started with some bad things happening but now it's a really nice Christmas. My family relationships have gotten better over the course of the year, and I reconnected with Adrian of course! And I got my lithium stabilizer of course, which also helps me to be happier in general.

Now to get my physical health back in order! Ugh, I hate my uterus. (sorry, I'm just being honest)

Today Adrian and I saw "The Blind Side". It's based on a true story. It was really good!!!!

Christmas/Sunday school/charity work is on my mind... instead of studying!

Yeah, I know I need to study badly, but for some reason this year I feel like there are so many more exciting things to think about. So before I go now to study, I just wanna say that if any of you haven't thought of a Christmas gift for me, and you wanted to give a gift (no obligations pplz!!!), I really don't need anything... although I have one wish, and that is to rescue child soldiers...

So please donate here: https://secure.invisiblechildren.com/donate/detail_tri.php ONLY 12 dollars!!!

And if you wanna meet up sometime, let me know, we can give Christmas presence instead of Christmas presents :D Love you all, now I'm gonna go disappear and do some major studying!!!

Sometimes I'm not that angelic

Sometimes, I fall into the same sin again and again. I want to be clean, and be ready as a faithful servant on the day I meet Jesus in heaven (and that could be anytime, given accidents or Jesus coming back at any time), but if you look at my life right now, I am not ready. I have a lot of filth still on me from digging up from the grave my old sins. It's terrible. And I tell God that I'm sorry and I will not do it again, but a lot of times, I am clean for a while then I selfishly fall back into it. So I'm gonna put some Bible verses here to remind me, and set some goals...

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
-----
Psalm 51

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

² Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

⁶ Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

⁹ Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

(continues...)
---

Galatians 5:6b-14

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. ⁷You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? ⁸That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. ⁹"A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." ¹⁰I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be.

¹³You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. ¹⁴The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

--
Ephesians 4

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

---

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

⁷For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. ⁸Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

---
Matthew 5

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.

¹³"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

¹⁴"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

-----

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This is a music video for a song I performed with my Christian band, the Martinis. I felt like that girl, in some ways, before, in the video. And maybe you might have felt that way, I don't know, but the important thing is that we are all struggling and we gotta reach out to each other. Cuz God sees the pain, but do we see the pain and be God's light to others?
--

I know this post is long, but I just received a reassurance from God that I am clean. I just need to spend more time with Him... (got this from an email devo this morning)

John 15:1-5

I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Finally, one evening to relax!

I finally finished all my assignments. I'm relaxing now, just spending time with my boo and listening to music online. I gotta start studying tomorrow for final exams, but I had to rest tonight and skip my WA meeting so that I could feel better... I was feeling faint earlier, because I apparently didn't eat enough. Anyway, here's a nice video... (the sound comes a little while into it)...



Oh, yesterday I smashed myself into a pillar... Dangit, was working too hard. Thank God my glasses are not broken and I just got a little bit of sore lip.


God Bless!!!