Not happy before Urbana...

This always has to happen. Right before something where I am looking forward to serving God and learning more, I always have something that makes me cry or depressed or wanting to do something opposite of what God wants me to do. Satan likes to attack people who love God a lot, especially because they are a threat to his dark kingdom. And I fell right into it. Dammit.

I've been crying almost every day this week. Too much family pressure. Pressure about what to pack, don't lose your wallet, don't lose this other thing, put it into this specific zipper, no other zipper will do. People unpacking the stuff I just packed, people saying "There she goes again, mad and crying, I'm glad I am not going to Urbana". People taking my passport and not telling me where it is, people saying I didn't visit grandma, guilt-tripping me right before I was visiting my other grandma, people saying I shouldn't bring this or that, which bag to use even if I think it's not practical, on and on. You may not understand cuz these things seem trivial but they actually hurt a lot because of the same problem I am always struggling with: INDEPENDENCE.

If you don't let me pack my own crap I will feel like a handicap or little child. And if you force me to use a certain zipper at the cost of your yelling I am going to feel pressured and forced. If you take away my passport and put it somewhere that I don't know, I am going to rip apart the room you just so kindly cleaned without my permission when I actually wanted to clean the room myself.

And you can lie all you want to Grandma saying that Pastor Ray is the adult on the team who will take care of me, but in my heart I know that I am an adult now just like everyone else on the team, and I can take care of my damn self. I already told you that Pastor Ray is just another person on the team, and I am the leader of the team, so you better not lie cuz Santa will skip you over with his sleigh and one day you will understand that it is a sin to lie like that.

I wish life was easier but you know, if you wanna serve God you're gonna experience trouble, and you can take my stupid life as a perfect example. If you don't have trouble you know you are actually not Satan's concern. In fact, he might even be using you to do his bad work, to hurt Christians or other ppl who are doing what God wants.

I want my own printer, don't wanna rely on someone else's ink, and I want my own life that I can do what I want to do with. I need my own laptop and a blog that my family will not criticize or censor, and I need to be able to spend time with Adrian without feeling guilty or criticized by my family. My family cannot control me although many times I let them. I have my own life, and my mood will get better once I get out of this beautiful country I call home.

Oh yeah, I thought that my family accepted Adrian but turns out they don't accept him fully. And it makes me angry because someone just had to challenge me to a duel to not see him for a whole week after Urbana and not call him either. It's so annoying. Threats... saying that our love is fragile and that this or that. The person doesn't even know the whole story.

And I think this reading over the shoulder business that happpened earlier this year is gonna happen again so I'm gonna stop.

BYE.