It's late and I have to teach the kids at church tomorrow, so I will try to keep this a lot shorter. Friday night was the most awesome Board of Directors meeting we have ever had. First of all, we had students involved (a bunch of first years) and we were in the nice big airy room in AA 160. Next, some of the directors (including me) dressed up to look more professional and I felt really pretty!!! (Jenny I wore the dress you convinced me to buy at Niagara Falls!)
Somehow the atmosphere was a lot more positive because I guess we all socialized before the Board Meeting in the SCSU office, just chatting, listening to music, what not... and also we all signed Maryann Raby (my wonderful director friend)'s bday card and planned to surprise her with a spa package :-) I'm so glad we did this for her cuz she does a LOT for the SCSU.
Next, I found out Maryann needed a Vice-Chair for Clubs Funding Subcommittee so I ran for it along with Muneeba. Although I myself voted for Muneeba cuz I wanted others to make the decision whether to vote for me or Muneeba (I usually do that... vote for someone else when I want myself to win, so that in the end I know I didn't sway the vote, it was really a majority of other people's decisions)... I GOT IT! I am a Vice-Chair now of Clubs funding and I am excited to help out and gain more experience.
Happy happy!!! And also at the very end there was a motion and it was passed, so I am glad that people were respectful about it and there was no arguing, just discussing. Now I am just praying that the truth (whatever it is) will be revealed and justice be done.
Other highlights were finding out that Resident Evil is filming the U of T Scarborough Meeting Place as a jail for their upcoming movie (HAHAHAHA), and also Kyle being my new friend (at first I didn't really get to know him that well). Murali also did some great work with trying to get an AccessAbility award set up, and more awareness of accessibility in clubs.
Everyone did a great job and I even got to catch a glimpse of Nadia... and I told her "welcome back". On the ride home, instead of complaining in Sara's dad's car, we were rejoicing and celebrating, it felt so great. :-)
Anyway, time to go to sleep before I burn myself out tomorrow! God bless, and remember, wherever God calls you, follow it and don't give up, cuz God called me into SCSU, and after not giving up, now I finally get to see the most awesome Board Meeting and feel like I know what I am doing and am making a difference!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
21 Guns lyrics
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
...
----
Hey everyone,
Do you like Green Day's songs? Well, I really really love this one. I heard it over the radio and today over the PA system in the Agincourt community centre. I really really wanted to write about it cuz every time I hear this song, I feel like I'm in a calm place, and I can reflect upon what my life is for.
Seriously, do you know what you are fighting for? Marks? The best job? Money? A perfect relationship? What in your life do you fight for? Do you get disappointed when you don't get it?
Someone once said, "Make sure that what you are living for is worth dying for." I mean, when you die, will marks matter? Will your resume matter? Maybe, maybe not. Money? Obviously not, you can't take it to heaven with you. I remember Pastor Alfred once preaching a sermon about how there was this one person who spent their whole life and money on their car. It was literally the person's life, every day they would wash the car, fix the car, make it look good... until the day the person died, the person ended up being buried into the ground with their car. But what does it matter? It would just be a rusted metal in the ground.
And Alfred said that at the end of your life, when you are sick and dying, you normally wouldn't ask your doctor to send in your trophies or money or what not. You would ask for your friends and family to come. And it is then that you wish you had spent more time with them, or you wish that you could tell someone you forgive them. Or maybe you wish that you didn't waste so much time trying to make money for your family... when really all they wanted was to see you more at home for dinner.
I wonder at the end of my life, what I will regret. Will I regret not applying for more jobs? No. Will I regret not ever getting the chance to do more for God? Yes. Will I regret not joining more clubs? no. I think I would definitely regret causing my famiy pain when I argued with them day and night during a particular time this year, though.
I think most of all, I would regret not spending more time with God. We always tend to put God in the back burner. He's always around, so He's easy to take for granted. Cuz when I get to the gates of heaven, I think it would be nice to see Jesus as a close friend and Saviour, rather than some distant eternity-year-old guy that I never got to know. I wouldn't want him to ask, "Where have you been? I waited so long to hear from you!!!" I just hope he will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were a girl after God's own heart."
I really hope that. I know I can be very crazy busy sometimes, and you know, I'm not saying quit your jobs. I'm not saying forget about your marks, but what I am saying is, do everything with the mindset of eternity. When we see with eyes of eternity, we can live the present without regreting it later. Enjoy your courses! Get to know your classmates or coworkers! Do the best job you can and go for vacations with your family :-) Do everything that you will wish you could do when you're old!
I don't want to wait till I am sick to visit China or Africa. As great as the Children's Wish foundation is, I believe all children of God (that includes you and me, we are all from the same Source!) have wishes that need to be granted, sick or not. God loves to give good gifts to His children.
Faith walks on broken glass...
Love runs to broken people...
Hope soars on the wings of an eagle flying at the dawn...
If you have been fighting for something that will not be worth it in the end, please consider everything in perspective. In the end, all that matters is your relationship with God, with people, and with yourself.
You were created to shine.
Your worth comes from the inside, from the very threads that wove your heart.
You have a soul that desires, longs, and needs LOVE.
And when you love others, the greatest reward is that you will feel it too.
May God bless your days and nights with joy, peace, and love.
He is fighting for you.
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
...
----
Hey everyone,
Do you like Green Day's songs? Well, I really really love this one. I heard it over the radio and today over the PA system in the Agincourt community centre. I really really wanted to write about it cuz every time I hear this song, I feel like I'm in a calm place, and I can reflect upon what my life is for.
Seriously, do you know what you are fighting for? Marks? The best job? Money? A perfect relationship? What in your life do you fight for? Do you get disappointed when you don't get it?
Someone once said, "Make sure that what you are living for is worth dying for." I mean, when you die, will marks matter? Will your resume matter? Maybe, maybe not. Money? Obviously not, you can't take it to heaven with you. I remember Pastor Alfred once preaching a sermon about how there was this one person who spent their whole life and money on their car. It was literally the person's life, every day they would wash the car, fix the car, make it look good... until the day the person died, the person ended up being buried into the ground with their car. But what does it matter? It would just be a rusted metal in the ground.
And Alfred said that at the end of your life, when you are sick and dying, you normally wouldn't ask your doctor to send in your trophies or money or what not. You would ask for your friends and family to come. And it is then that you wish you had spent more time with them, or you wish that you could tell someone you forgive them. Or maybe you wish that you didn't waste so much time trying to make money for your family... when really all they wanted was to see you more at home for dinner.
I wonder at the end of my life, what I will regret. Will I regret not applying for more jobs? No. Will I regret not ever getting the chance to do more for God? Yes. Will I regret not joining more clubs? no. I think I would definitely regret causing my famiy pain when I argued with them day and night during a particular time this year, though.
I think most of all, I would regret not spending more time with God. We always tend to put God in the back burner. He's always around, so He's easy to take for granted. Cuz when I get to the gates of heaven, I think it would be nice to see Jesus as a close friend and Saviour, rather than some distant eternity-year-old guy that I never got to know. I wouldn't want him to ask, "Where have you been? I waited so long to hear from you!!!" I just hope he will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were a girl after God's own heart."
I really hope that. I know I can be very crazy busy sometimes, and you know, I'm not saying quit your jobs. I'm not saying forget about your marks, but what I am saying is, do everything with the mindset of eternity. When we see with eyes of eternity, we can live the present without regreting it later. Enjoy your courses! Get to know your classmates or coworkers! Do the best job you can and go for vacations with your family :-) Do everything that you will wish you could do when you're old!
I don't want to wait till I am sick to visit China or Africa. As great as the Children's Wish foundation is, I believe all children of God (that includes you and me, we are all from the same Source!) have wishes that need to be granted, sick or not. God loves to give good gifts to His children.
Faith walks on broken glass...
Love runs to broken people...
Hope soars on the wings of an eagle flying at the dawn...
If you have been fighting for something that will not be worth it in the end, please consider everything in perspective. In the end, all that matters is your relationship with God, with people, and with yourself.
You were created to shine.
Your worth comes from the inside, from the very threads that wove your heart.
You have a soul that desires, longs, and needs LOVE.
And when you love others, the greatest reward is that you will feel it too.
May God bless your days and nights with joy, peace, and love.
He is fighting for you.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
AMAZING WEATHER
Dear friends,
This morning, I was leaving home for work and the sky was pretty gloomy, the ground wet. I was praying to God that the sunshine would come out by the afternoon so that VCF could have our picnic event, since we cannot book a room yet. By afternoon, the skies cleared and it became hot... and then, a shower came with the sky looking dark again... I was like, God, please! I thought you were gonna give us sunshine!
But lo and behold, just like Niroshan from Alpha said, the sun came back out again, just for me. The rain only lasted for a little while, and VCF had an awesome picnic :-) Sometimes God just likes to give me a test of faith like that to keep me relying on Him and trusting in Him... this shows that prayers do get heard, and sometimes you just have to keep praying.
I'm writing in the middle of the night right now, a bit tired but I'm extremely glad: VCF had the best first official day ever in my university career (people got to know each other a lot more over our picnic dinner), and I got a whole load of Urbana stuff done.
And the other highlight of the day was that one of the SC OUT (formerly LGBTQ at UTSC) coordinators started talking to me about Alpha and how he was interested in bringing more SC OUT people to these kinds of discussions and events. I was so happy, honestly, I just felt that God really gave me a sign that I did the right thing two years ago. That the passion in my heart for reaching out to the gay community was definitely God-given, and that from our relationship between Christian fellowship and SC OUT, we have become mutually supportive and growing closer and closer every year. My hope and prayer is that this will continue on for generations to come, just no more judgment or condemnation, just pure love and it is through love that God's message can be heard to those who have been hurt by false messages of hate.
I honestly feel so glad today, I just want to stay up all night and thank God. Honestly, I am so blessed because I know God and I know so many awesome people in my life. Suffering and trials may come, but like the poet William Yeats wrote:
CRAZY JANE TALKS WITH THE BISHOP
I MET the Bishop on the road
And much said he and I.
'Those breasts are flat and fallen now,
Those veins must soon be dry;
Live in a heavenly mansion,
Not in some foul sty.'
'Fair and foul are near of kin,
And fair needs foul,' I cried.
'My friends are gone, but that's a truth
Nor grave nor bed denied,
Learned in bodily lowliness
And in the heart's pride.
'A woman can be proud and stiff
When on love intent;
But Love has pitched his mansion in
The place of excrement;
For nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent.'
--William Butler Yeats
IF you are not a poetry fan, the basic storyline of this poem is that a "crazy lady" meets a bishop (a religious leader) and the bishop tells her she is old and better think about getting herself into heaven rather than some foul sty. But Crazy Jane says that she believes there is no heaven without hell, and there is no fairness without foulness. Love blooms out of knowing what crap is, and you won't know what it means to be whole unless you have felt empty before.
How does this relate to what I was sharing before? Well, sometimes being religious just turns people away, but when you plant yourself in crap maybe you would learn what it means to really Love. And sometimes Christianity focuses too much on going into heaven. Like Bryan from SC OUT shared, Jesus emphasizes actually a lot on how to live your life NOW, rather than focusing on heaven.
I will explain more another day, but just one last thing... if you read this, could you please comment? I just need to know if the comment box works, and also to see if anyone reads this blog anyways :P Maybe it is too new for people to know it exists...
Take care,
Love from Martine
This morning, I was leaving home for work and the sky was pretty gloomy, the ground wet. I was praying to God that the sunshine would come out by the afternoon so that VCF could have our picnic event, since we cannot book a room yet. By afternoon, the skies cleared and it became hot... and then, a shower came with the sky looking dark again... I was like, God, please! I thought you were gonna give us sunshine!
But lo and behold, just like Niroshan from Alpha said, the sun came back out again, just for me. The rain only lasted for a little while, and VCF had an awesome picnic :-) Sometimes God just likes to give me a test of faith like that to keep me relying on Him and trusting in Him... this shows that prayers do get heard, and sometimes you just have to keep praying.
I'm writing in the middle of the night right now, a bit tired but I'm extremely glad: VCF had the best first official day ever in my university career (people got to know each other a lot more over our picnic dinner), and I got a whole load of Urbana stuff done.
And the other highlight of the day was that one of the SC OUT (formerly LGBTQ at UTSC) coordinators started talking to me about Alpha and how he was interested in bringing more SC OUT people to these kinds of discussions and events. I was so happy, honestly, I just felt that God really gave me a sign that I did the right thing two years ago. That the passion in my heart for reaching out to the gay community was definitely God-given, and that from our relationship between Christian fellowship and SC OUT, we have become mutually supportive and growing closer and closer every year. My hope and prayer is that this will continue on for generations to come, just no more judgment or condemnation, just pure love and it is through love that God's message can be heard to those who have been hurt by false messages of hate.
I honestly feel so glad today, I just want to stay up all night and thank God. Honestly, I am so blessed because I know God and I know so many awesome people in my life. Suffering and trials may come, but like the poet William Yeats wrote:
CRAZY JANE TALKS WITH THE BISHOP
I MET the Bishop on the road
And much said he and I.
'Those breasts are flat and fallen now,
Those veins must soon be dry;
Live in a heavenly mansion,
Not in some foul sty.'
'Fair and foul are near of kin,
And fair needs foul,' I cried.
'My friends are gone, but that's a truth
Nor grave nor bed denied,
Learned in bodily lowliness
And in the heart's pride.
'A woman can be proud and stiff
When on love intent;
But Love has pitched his mansion in
The place of excrement;
For nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent.'
--William Butler Yeats
IF you are not a poetry fan, the basic storyline of this poem is that a "crazy lady" meets a bishop (a religious leader) and the bishop tells her she is old and better think about getting herself into heaven rather than some foul sty. But Crazy Jane says that she believes there is no heaven without hell, and there is no fairness without foulness. Love blooms out of knowing what crap is, and you won't know what it means to be whole unless you have felt empty before.
How does this relate to what I was sharing before? Well, sometimes being religious just turns people away, but when you plant yourself in crap maybe you would learn what it means to really Love. And sometimes Christianity focuses too much on going into heaven. Like Bryan from SC OUT shared, Jesus emphasizes actually a lot on how to live your life NOW, rather than focusing on heaven.
I will explain more another day, but just one last thing... if you read this, could you please comment? I just need to know if the comment box works, and also to see if anyone reads this blog anyways :P Maybe it is too new for people to know it exists...
Take care,
Love from Martine
Monday, September 21, 2009
Alpha Program
WOW! First day of Alpha, a lot was very new and plans had to change at the last minute, but basically we had it at Rex's Den (the new Bluff's) area and there were at least 80 people who came out to enjoy pizza dinner, watch a video, and chat :-) Some people had really good feedback about the video, and thank God that although we didn't foresee a sound system problem, Fusion Radio was available to help at the last minute, and thank God that this worked out!
Honestly, we were so freaked out at first about the sound system, but right after me and 2 other girls prayed, the Fusion Radio people came down with their soundboard and helped! So God works pretty fast! My sister and my sister's friends came too, and Adrian was there and we chatted afterwards...
Alpha is a really great program if you haven't heard of it! Next Monday we will probably be in MW170 (Management building room) and again there will be free dinner (not pizza this time, something awesomely different), a short video again and discussions in small groups. If you wanna join, just either let me know, or go to alphatoronto.ca, or facebook "Alpha at UTSC".
Everyone is welcome and we discuss a different spiritual topic every week... at University of Toronto Scarborough :-)
I've been running around all day and so it's great to just sit here and blog. I met a lot of new people today so hopefully I will remember faces and names, unfortunately I have such a terrible memory...! Everyone who was helping with Alpha really did a great job so it's great to have such a team.
---
I finally know what it means to have a soul mate... When Adrian is down, I'm down, and when he's happy, I'm happy... it's like we share a piece of soul together, or at least our souls are so interconnected that we start to feel each other's emotions. These days things have been a bit rough for us, but God is faithful and yesterday we felt God speaking to us through the message, it was as if God was speaking directly through us. I mean, Pastor Tim was the speaker, and he didn't know about our situation, but he talked about things that were specifically related to our situation.
---
Rixin signed up for Tae Kwon Do and thus he convinced me to join. Ah! How am I going to survive it? I don't care if people say I'm the laziest person in class... I am not going to push myself so hard that I cannot dance anymore haha, cuz this means I will be taking 2 dance classes and one Tae Kwon Do class from the gym... as well as my 3 regular courses (Bible and Literature, Modern Poetry, and Cross-Cultural Psychology) and extra-curricular stuff (Alpha, VCF, and SCSU).... oh and work :-)
Adrian says I shouldn't stress myself, and I know, I honestly think I will be just fine. I can always skip one event or another just so that i could catch up on my own work and tasks. Aiyaa! Like Pastor Tim said, I need to stop adding more work to myself! haha
Pressing things I haven't got to:
-VCF this Wednesday! Find the club sign up list and order food!
-URBANA hotel and bus bookings
-call Nicky
-call this girl who wants to come to church!
-sign up for Tae Kwon Do :P
-get my book money refunded! And my sisters'!
-prep another children's sermon
-call Alpha ppl about training video
Alright! My goal is to do this all on time! hehe no pressure, just reminding myself! :)
Honestly, we were so freaked out at first about the sound system, but right after me and 2 other girls prayed, the Fusion Radio people came down with their soundboard and helped! So God works pretty fast! My sister and my sister's friends came too, and Adrian was there and we chatted afterwards...
Alpha is a really great program if you haven't heard of it! Next Monday we will probably be in MW170 (Management building room) and again there will be free dinner (not pizza this time, something awesomely different), a short video again and discussions in small groups. If you wanna join, just either let me know, or go to alphatoronto.ca, or facebook "Alpha at UTSC".
Everyone is welcome and we discuss a different spiritual topic every week... at University of Toronto Scarborough :-)
I've been running around all day and so it's great to just sit here and blog. I met a lot of new people today so hopefully I will remember faces and names, unfortunately I have such a terrible memory...! Everyone who was helping with Alpha really did a great job so it's great to have such a team.
---
I finally know what it means to have a soul mate... When Adrian is down, I'm down, and when he's happy, I'm happy... it's like we share a piece of soul together, or at least our souls are so interconnected that we start to feel each other's emotions. These days things have been a bit rough for us, but God is faithful and yesterday we felt God speaking to us through the message, it was as if God was speaking directly through us. I mean, Pastor Tim was the speaker, and he didn't know about our situation, but he talked about things that were specifically related to our situation.
---
Rixin signed up for Tae Kwon Do and thus he convinced me to join. Ah! How am I going to survive it? I don't care if people say I'm the laziest person in class... I am not going to push myself so hard that I cannot dance anymore haha, cuz this means I will be taking 2 dance classes and one Tae Kwon Do class from the gym... as well as my 3 regular courses (Bible and Literature, Modern Poetry, and Cross-Cultural Psychology) and extra-curricular stuff (Alpha, VCF, and SCSU).... oh and work :-)
Adrian says I shouldn't stress myself, and I know, I honestly think I will be just fine. I can always skip one event or another just so that i could catch up on my own work and tasks. Aiyaa! Like Pastor Tim said, I need to stop adding more work to myself! haha
Pressing things I haven't got to:
-VCF this Wednesday! Find the club sign up list and order food!
-URBANA hotel and bus bookings
-call Nicky
-call this girl who wants to come to church!
-sign up for Tae Kwon Do :P
-get my book money refunded! And my sisters'!
-prep another children's sermon
-call Alpha ppl about training video
Alright! My goal is to do this all on time! hehe no pressure, just reminding myself! :)
Friday, September 18, 2009
A letter addressed to me
Dear Me,
Hey, how's it going? I see you've been quite anxious lately, and I understand, it was rush week, the first week at school... you're a fourth year student, you do know how busy it gets. So don't worry, it was normal to be rushing everywhere, especially because you're involved in so many amazing things on campus!
But you know, now that the week is coming to an end, please don't be so hard on yourself. Like Juan said, many people think you are a great friend and also, you must allow yourself some space to breathe, to make mistakes, and to feel happy again. This morning you weren't feeling so great, and this whole week you've been a bit dazed. I hope you won't criticize yourself though, because it doesn't matter what others think of you, all that matters is that God loves you no matter how you look or how you feel.
It's good that you shared with your mom this morning what you felt about being able to grow up and be independent. I think she understands. Sometimes she may forget that you are not a baby anymore, but one of these days she'll click in.
People may be critical of your life and your relationships, but ultimately you choose how to run your life and you don't need to take those criticisms to heart. You do do a lot, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing all the time. Doing a lot can mean a lot, just remember the reason why you are doing it, and remember to leave time for yourself.
Don't be sad, Martine. You have a lovely heart and you always try your best. Someday your depression and anxiety will be gone, I promise. For now, things may be hard, but you are very blessed too. You have Adrian, you have your reliable friends from Titus, you have 3 jobs (wow you must have a lot of savings by the end of this year!) and you make a difference in others lives... and plus you know how to do Sharpie tattoos, not everyone can do that.
You have a scholarship, you have nice hair, and you have an exciting future. Don't be sad about the little annoying things in life, it's not worth depressing over! Your parents will always be your parents, don't let them control your feelings! Think about the Truth. The Truth will set you free, and it is Jesus Christ who speaks truth into your life. You have Jesus and that's the best treasure that anyone can have on top of everything else I just mentioned.
Don't forget about your dreams. Don't forget about who you are. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes, just relax and remember that you don't need to believe what others say about you, especially if what they say is not true.
Martine, remember what you hope for. Remember what you are passionate about. Remember? You love the poor. You wish to travel to Africa, China, and France (hey, anything is possible with God, even if you're broke as a pastor in the future)... Montreal, too. You wanted to see a coral reef and live out Martin Luther King's quotes. You hope to establish a mental health curriculum in high schools and publish a book about Christian fellowships. Don't forget about all that. Sure, it may seem like a whole lot to do in one life, but you live, love, and rely on God's strength for it all. You may not be able to do it alone, but they are still your dreams and you can always achieve them by the grace of God.
Your body and mind may be weak, but your heart beats strong. I have a theory that the oceans are God's tears... He wept and wept for 40 days and 40 nights because people turned their backs on Him, but through it all he saved a boat full of animals and one little family. And out of this boat full of animals and this little family, He created the world today... and you see the ocean? It is teeming with life and there are beautiful tropical fish everywhere. This goes to show that when you are depressed there is still that little boat of hope somewhere that will lead you to a beautiful outcome. Don't forget about that.
You are not crazy. I am not crazy. We are just beautiful people living in a fallen world, and when we let our beauty shine through love, the world draws a little closer to heaven because we didn't give up. Don't give up. Don't let the clouds block out the sunshine in your heart.
Okay, hun, you gotta get back to homework, but again, think about this: YOU ARE ONE AWESOME GIRL, DON'T EVER LOSE FAITH!!!! Remember that God also wants you to believe in yourself...
Love and encouragements always from
Martine Lee
Hey, how's it going? I see you've been quite anxious lately, and I understand, it was rush week, the first week at school... you're a fourth year student, you do know how busy it gets. So don't worry, it was normal to be rushing everywhere, especially because you're involved in so many amazing things on campus!
But you know, now that the week is coming to an end, please don't be so hard on yourself. Like Juan said, many people think you are a great friend and also, you must allow yourself some space to breathe, to make mistakes, and to feel happy again. This morning you weren't feeling so great, and this whole week you've been a bit dazed. I hope you won't criticize yourself though, because it doesn't matter what others think of you, all that matters is that God loves you no matter how you look or how you feel.
It's good that you shared with your mom this morning what you felt about being able to grow up and be independent. I think she understands. Sometimes she may forget that you are not a baby anymore, but one of these days she'll click in.
People may be critical of your life and your relationships, but ultimately you choose how to run your life and you don't need to take those criticisms to heart. You do do a lot, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing all the time. Doing a lot can mean a lot, just remember the reason why you are doing it, and remember to leave time for yourself.
Don't be sad, Martine. You have a lovely heart and you always try your best. Someday your depression and anxiety will be gone, I promise. For now, things may be hard, but you are very blessed too. You have Adrian, you have your reliable friends from Titus, you have 3 jobs (wow you must have a lot of savings by the end of this year!) and you make a difference in others lives... and plus you know how to do Sharpie tattoos, not everyone can do that.
You have a scholarship, you have nice hair, and you have an exciting future. Don't be sad about the little annoying things in life, it's not worth depressing over! Your parents will always be your parents, don't let them control your feelings! Think about the Truth. The Truth will set you free, and it is Jesus Christ who speaks truth into your life. You have Jesus and that's the best treasure that anyone can have on top of everything else I just mentioned.
Don't forget about your dreams. Don't forget about who you are. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes, just relax and remember that you don't need to believe what others say about you, especially if what they say is not true.
Martine, remember what you hope for. Remember what you are passionate about. Remember? You love the poor. You wish to travel to Africa, China, and France (hey, anything is possible with God, even if you're broke as a pastor in the future)... Montreal, too. You wanted to see a coral reef and live out Martin Luther King's quotes. You hope to establish a mental health curriculum in high schools and publish a book about Christian fellowships. Don't forget about all that. Sure, it may seem like a whole lot to do in one life, but you live, love, and rely on God's strength for it all. You may not be able to do it alone, but they are still your dreams and you can always achieve them by the grace of God.
Your body and mind may be weak, but your heart beats strong. I have a theory that the oceans are God's tears... He wept and wept for 40 days and 40 nights because people turned their backs on Him, but through it all he saved a boat full of animals and one little family. And out of this boat full of animals and this little family, He created the world today... and you see the ocean? It is teeming with life and there are beautiful tropical fish everywhere. This goes to show that when you are depressed there is still that little boat of hope somewhere that will lead you to a beautiful outcome. Don't forget about that.
You are not crazy. I am not crazy. We are just beautiful people living in a fallen world, and when we let our beauty shine through love, the world draws a little closer to heaven because we didn't give up. Don't give up. Don't let the clouds block out the sunshine in your heart.
Okay, hun, you gotta get back to homework, but again, think about this: YOU ARE ONE AWESOME GIRL, DON'T EVER LOSE FAITH!!!! Remember that God also wants you to believe in yourself...
Love and encouragements always from
Martine Lee
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
"Unashamed"
I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth
Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free
And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed
I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face
Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete
I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth
Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free
And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed
I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face
Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete
Friday, September 11, 2009
Realizations
I don't often blog twice in a day, but after fellowship at church I felt I need some time to think about certain things... We had some very interesting questions asked during our "speed-fellowshipping" game (as opposed to speed dating, we were getting to know each other as brothers and sisters, and an alarm would sound and we would switch partners).
Like for example, what do you wish you had more time for? And for me it was to spend more time with God. Also, there was the question "what is your best quality" and I really didn't know, so Yvonne answered it for me and said that I was welcoming, cuz a lot of new people at church say that the first person they met at ETCBC was me. I guess I should use my gift more often.
One question was asked when me and my sister were partners. It was about what you do when you have strong emotions. And for me over the past few years, it has been worse and worse, getting angry, irritated, grumpy, and screaming a lot more... I really don't know how to control myself better. My sister says she would rant to her best friend and listen to classical music. For me, I hate classical music and my best friend isn't always there when I'm mad, but I really need some kind of system to deal with it. I think if I got an iPod (Adrian says he will give me his) and put a lot of music I liked in it, like Christian music, or inspirational music, I could plug it in my ears a lot faster and prevent myself from bursting or lashing out...
And I really need to learn how to count to ten when I'm angry. I should count it out loud and go to my room when I do so, cuz then I could avoid being angry AT someone and instead count it out until I cool down.
Today I got annoyed and said grumpy stuff even to Adrian... He is so nice that he wouldn't be mad at it, he's so patient and caring. I think these things make me angry: people trying to control my life or tell me to do a certain thing when I already said I could not or want to do it some other way, people criticizing me in a mean way, and losing things, especially money. Miscommunication also gets me frustrated. Too many things to do and people saying that I have too many things to do also gets me angry. Ugh, that is a lot of things. Oh, and people treating me like a baby.
And there were questions like "what would you want to do but never did?" And I wanna take more dance lessons... I think it would make me happier actually and feel less stressed because I would relieve all my tension through dance. It's just that I don't have the right scheduling for dance lessons. :S And I would wanna travel more.
Ugh, I wish all my problems were over. To be honest, I wish tomorrow I could just spend time dancing. That's all I want to do. I haven't exercised in ages. I wish I could play tennis but no one is available to play with me. Maybe this is why Daniela and Sabrina are so happy and joyful everytime I see them... They are sports girls.
I wish I didn't have to take medicine anymore. Honestly, I don't think my depression will ever end, it has already gone over the limit... It's like once you pass a certain amount of depression, you will waver back and forth, you cannot ever go back to what you were like before, because it's like a nerve or something broke and the neurotransmitters will never be enough to sustain a consistent happy feeling. That's why Adrian constantly asks me if I'm okay, because I would zone out and have a "worried look on my face" or look like something is wrong, even during a happy day.
All I really want is to be happy. But maybe that's just what I have to endure. Life is painful, there is nothing I can really do about it. There is a price to everything... I chose to love the unloveable and I lost my sanity in the process. I chose to carry the cross and with it comes persecution. I chose to carry burdens and thus I have to sweat it out.
Right now I feel like crying actually, and I'm not sure even why. I guess I wish my life was happy-go-lucky and that I didn't have to go through all this. It's not like I want to be angry, it's not like I purposely lash out at my family. In fact, after I do that, every time I feel guilty, like I didn't live up to what I was called for.
And every time people mention sexual sin, I can't help but think of myself, how I have had lustful thoughts and not enough self-control... And I sometimes feel like I am living a lie, a double life, a life that Jesus would not be pleased with. I don't know why God would still love me and forgive such a whore like me. I don't know why He still chooses to use me and spread his Word through me, because I am so so unworthy.
Lord, I am unworthy to be called Your daughter. Please take me as a servant instead. I have sinned against heaven and against You... So many times I have left You waiting for me, when I went off and did my own thing, and had dates with Satan. God, it's true, I have changed and I have become a horrible person...
Jesus, take my life, take all of me...
Like for example, what do you wish you had more time for? And for me it was to spend more time with God. Also, there was the question "what is your best quality" and I really didn't know, so Yvonne answered it for me and said that I was welcoming, cuz a lot of new people at church say that the first person they met at ETCBC was me. I guess I should use my gift more often.
One question was asked when me and my sister were partners. It was about what you do when you have strong emotions. And for me over the past few years, it has been worse and worse, getting angry, irritated, grumpy, and screaming a lot more... I really don't know how to control myself better. My sister says she would rant to her best friend and listen to classical music. For me, I hate classical music and my best friend isn't always there when I'm mad, but I really need some kind of system to deal with it. I think if I got an iPod (Adrian says he will give me his) and put a lot of music I liked in it, like Christian music, or inspirational music, I could plug it in my ears a lot faster and prevent myself from bursting or lashing out...
And I really need to learn how to count to ten when I'm angry. I should count it out loud and go to my room when I do so, cuz then I could avoid being angry AT someone and instead count it out until I cool down.
Today I got annoyed and said grumpy stuff even to Adrian... He is so nice that he wouldn't be mad at it, he's so patient and caring. I think these things make me angry: people trying to control my life or tell me to do a certain thing when I already said I could not or want to do it some other way, people criticizing me in a mean way, and losing things, especially money. Miscommunication also gets me frustrated. Too many things to do and people saying that I have too many things to do also gets me angry. Ugh, that is a lot of things. Oh, and people treating me like a baby.
And there were questions like "what would you want to do but never did?" And I wanna take more dance lessons... I think it would make me happier actually and feel less stressed because I would relieve all my tension through dance. It's just that I don't have the right scheduling for dance lessons. :S And I would wanna travel more.
Ugh, I wish all my problems were over. To be honest, I wish tomorrow I could just spend time dancing. That's all I want to do. I haven't exercised in ages. I wish I could play tennis but no one is available to play with me. Maybe this is why Daniela and Sabrina are so happy and joyful everytime I see them... They are sports girls.
I wish I didn't have to take medicine anymore. Honestly, I don't think my depression will ever end, it has already gone over the limit... It's like once you pass a certain amount of depression, you will waver back and forth, you cannot ever go back to what you were like before, because it's like a nerve or something broke and the neurotransmitters will never be enough to sustain a consistent happy feeling. That's why Adrian constantly asks me if I'm okay, because I would zone out and have a "worried look on my face" or look like something is wrong, even during a happy day.
All I really want is to be happy. But maybe that's just what I have to endure. Life is painful, there is nothing I can really do about it. There is a price to everything... I chose to love the unloveable and I lost my sanity in the process. I chose to carry the cross and with it comes persecution. I chose to carry burdens and thus I have to sweat it out.
Right now I feel like crying actually, and I'm not sure even why. I guess I wish my life was happy-go-lucky and that I didn't have to go through all this. It's not like I want to be angry, it's not like I purposely lash out at my family. In fact, after I do that, every time I feel guilty, like I didn't live up to what I was called for.
And every time people mention sexual sin, I can't help but think of myself, how I have had lustful thoughts and not enough self-control... And I sometimes feel like I am living a lie, a double life, a life that Jesus would not be pleased with. I don't know why God would still love me and forgive such a whore like me. I don't know why He still chooses to use me and spread his Word through me, because I am so so unworthy.
Lord, I am unworthy to be called Your daughter. Please take me as a servant instead. I have sinned against heaven and against You... So many times I have left You waiting for me, when I went off and did my own thing, and had dates with Satan. God, it's true, I have changed and I have become a horrible person...
Jesus, take my life, take all of me...
High stress!!!!! :S
Yesterday I went to see Juan my counsellor again, and she gave me a little questionnaire to fill out to see if I was under high stress. I had so many symptoms of stress, including tense muscles, irritability, hyperactivity, mood swings, among other not so pleasant things. At the end I added up my symptoms and got at least 15, indicating high stress. I really wanna join a dance class again so that I could feel better and exercise more doing something I love, but right now it's about the timing and when is the best time to do it...
I guess so far the Latin Dance at UTSC seems like a good option, or else I would join a dance studio for maybe a Sunday or Saturday afternoon class, which would also be fun and more professional-like.
I also thought of doing Tae Kwon Do or Jiu Jitsu, just something to help my parents get off my back about walking around at night downtown, or at least just so that I could feel stronger... These days I'm such a weakling both spiritually and physically.... well, emotionally, too.
Thank God that I finally found a way to deal with temptations... really there is no better way than to drench myself in the Word of God and prayer and meditation. In the morning my goal is to read part of the New Testament, and the evenings I read from this awesome devo book called Thirsty. Adrian has been a good help too...
Alice met up with both of us yesterday and we had some good chats and prayer time. She is a really good mentor, even though she likes it when I call her a friend instead.
So many things get me stressed so easily, like the 1400 dollar charge on my credit card that I don't remember using, the lost 70 dollars because I forgot to hand my drug receipts in, little things like having to go get my damn medicine and figuring out when to do this or that. If only life was easier... but it is NOT.
My mood swings are getting worse and worse. I don't know, I just get so mad sometimes and sometimes so depressed, and sometimes I am SO happy and so excited. It's not as bad as bipolar disorder but it is still bad.
I still haven't done anything for Urbana over the past MONTH and I know I am so behind... There is a lot to do but right now I am too preoccupied with Alpha and trying to get VCF back together. Maybe next week I will work on Urbana.... AH!!!
At least now more leaders are helping with VCF and Alpha, just a huge load off my back, thank GOD! I can enjoy things better now, and I enjoy my 3 jobs too. Especially cuz I got a raise!
Hopefully I won't spend more money than I earn. I suck at budgeting. I still have to get OSAP too, that pointless thing that is supposed to help you throughout university but ends up just making you more poor in the end.
I look forward to this year. It may be stressful but it can be fun and rewarding too. :-) May your school year be swell (as Karl would say) ! Have fun and don't think too hard... look at the bigger picture and you will realize that things aren't as bad as they seem most of the time. God always leads you and always will be there for you!!!!
I guess so far the Latin Dance at UTSC seems like a good option, or else I would join a dance studio for maybe a Sunday or Saturday afternoon class, which would also be fun and more professional-like.
I also thought of doing Tae Kwon Do or Jiu Jitsu, just something to help my parents get off my back about walking around at night downtown, or at least just so that I could feel stronger... These days I'm such a weakling both spiritually and physically.... well, emotionally, too.
Thank God that I finally found a way to deal with temptations... really there is no better way than to drench myself in the Word of God and prayer and meditation. In the morning my goal is to read part of the New Testament, and the evenings I read from this awesome devo book called Thirsty. Adrian has been a good help too...
Alice met up with both of us yesterday and we had some good chats and prayer time. She is a really good mentor, even though she likes it when I call her a friend instead.
So many things get me stressed so easily, like the 1400 dollar charge on my credit card that I don't remember using, the lost 70 dollars because I forgot to hand my drug receipts in, little things like having to go get my damn medicine and figuring out when to do this or that. If only life was easier... but it is NOT.
My mood swings are getting worse and worse. I don't know, I just get so mad sometimes and sometimes so depressed, and sometimes I am SO happy and so excited. It's not as bad as bipolar disorder but it is still bad.
I still haven't done anything for Urbana over the past MONTH and I know I am so behind... There is a lot to do but right now I am too preoccupied with Alpha and trying to get VCF back together. Maybe next week I will work on Urbana.... AH!!!
At least now more leaders are helping with VCF and Alpha, just a huge load off my back, thank GOD! I can enjoy things better now, and I enjoy my 3 jobs too. Especially cuz I got a raise!
Hopefully I won't spend more money than I earn. I suck at budgeting. I still have to get OSAP too, that pointless thing that is supposed to help you throughout university but ends up just making you more poor in the end.
I look forward to this year. It may be stressful but it can be fun and rewarding too. :-) May your school year be swell (as Karl would say) ! Have fun and don't think too hard... look at the bigger picture and you will realize that things aren't as bad as they seem most of the time. God always leads you and always will be there for you!!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Do you ever hear angel whispers?
Dear all,
As I sit here typing, my heart is quite heavy... You may wonder why I suddenly switched blogs, why all of a sudden, www.puritydove.com brings you to amazon.com instead. Honestly, I don't even know if I can recover my old blog posts anymore, because the guy who gave me www.puritydove.com decided to stop paying for the blog and just suddenly closed it down. I'm not sure when I will get my old entries back or even if I will ever get them back...
A lot of things have happened over the past month or so. Some are happy things, some are stressful things, some are sad things, and some are pointless things. But right now, my heart is heavy because I know for the past couple weeks I have been slipping away from God. Although I went to two Christian retreats, I know personally my walk with God has been very inconsistent. Prayer times have become worry sessions, and I am always jumping from one activity to the next...
God speaks to me still, but the question is: do I have time to listen? Just now, I opened up the Bible as I was listening to some music. It has been so long since I've intentionally spent time with God alone. Have I forgotten about my first love, Jesus? He has been waiting so long to just spend time with me, and here I am, stressing out about Sunday School, VCF, Alpha, etc. without even spending much time alone with God consulting His advice about it all.
I made a goal to fast every lunch to repent and get closer with God, but the problem is that my attitude was not in the right place. I didn't take it seriously enough, and instead of replacing my eating time with God, I was basically doing other stuff almost all the time.
God, I know you have been trying to get to me, sometimes I even hear little whispers in my mind telling me the right thing to do, but I have been ignoring them. You send invisible angels to guide me but a lot of times I am too focused on the task at hand and don't see the bigger picture. Lord, teach me to trust in You and walk with You again. How can I lead others to You if I don't even spend enough time with You myself?
Lord, I've been praying about a lot of stuff but a lot of times I don't even wait for Your answer. I need to wait upon You in the silence again. Too much noise and distraction of activities makes my life so draining, and I don't know the next step to take because I asked but I didn't wait for your reply. You might have been replying me all this time, but I missed it.
At the same time, I thank You for Adrian who has been encouraging me in my prayer and fasting, although I know I also need to make my own effort too, to rest in You and to let You speak. Thank you for speaking through the other bands yesterday at the AFC Resound concert, reminding me that I must quiet my heart, and find you in the stillness. I also have to question whether I am doing anything that will really matter in eternity.
God forgive me, I am a sinful person... Please draw me close to You once again.
Love from Your daughter,
Martine
As I sit here typing, my heart is quite heavy... You may wonder why I suddenly switched blogs, why all of a sudden, www.puritydove.com brings you to amazon.com instead. Honestly, I don't even know if I can recover my old blog posts anymore, because the guy who gave me www.puritydove.com decided to stop paying for the blog and just suddenly closed it down. I'm not sure when I will get my old entries back or even if I will ever get them back...
A lot of things have happened over the past month or so. Some are happy things, some are stressful things, some are sad things, and some are pointless things. But right now, my heart is heavy because I know for the past couple weeks I have been slipping away from God. Although I went to two Christian retreats, I know personally my walk with God has been very inconsistent. Prayer times have become worry sessions, and I am always jumping from one activity to the next...
God speaks to me still, but the question is: do I have time to listen? Just now, I opened up the Bible as I was listening to some music. It has been so long since I've intentionally spent time with God alone. Have I forgotten about my first love, Jesus? He has been waiting so long to just spend time with me, and here I am, stressing out about Sunday School, VCF, Alpha, etc. without even spending much time alone with God consulting His advice about it all.
I made a goal to fast every lunch to repent and get closer with God, but the problem is that my attitude was not in the right place. I didn't take it seriously enough, and instead of replacing my eating time with God, I was basically doing other stuff almost all the time.
God, I know you have been trying to get to me, sometimes I even hear little whispers in my mind telling me the right thing to do, but I have been ignoring them. You send invisible angels to guide me but a lot of times I am too focused on the task at hand and don't see the bigger picture. Lord, teach me to trust in You and walk with You again. How can I lead others to You if I don't even spend enough time with You myself?
Lord, I've been praying about a lot of stuff but a lot of times I don't even wait for Your answer. I need to wait upon You in the silence again. Too much noise and distraction of activities makes my life so draining, and I don't know the next step to take because I asked but I didn't wait for your reply. You might have been replying me all this time, but I missed it.
At the same time, I thank You for Adrian who has been encouraging me in my prayer and fasting, although I know I also need to make my own effort too, to rest in You and to let You speak. Thank you for speaking through the other bands yesterday at the AFC Resound concert, reminding me that I must quiet my heart, and find you in the stillness. I also have to question whether I am doing anything that will really matter in eternity.
God forgive me, I am a sinful person... Please draw me close to You once again.
Love from Your daughter,
Martine
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