Goodbye Andrew

Just got off facebook chat with Andrew.

(after me talking about how I had a stressful day, and how part of the reason is not explainable because it's about HIM)

Me: I don't know if I should even be asking you this, but am I just another girl to you?
Andrew: What do you mean, just another girl, there are lots of girls in this world, lol
Me: Yeah. I'm nothing special right? I'm just another girl. There are lots of girls in this world. There might be other girls who like you. So I'm just another girl, I'm nothing special.
Like I know God thinks I'm special. But I'm not sure if for you I'm anything special. If you don't see me as anything more than a friend, it's okay.

(long pause)

Andrew: well I don't think a friend is "just another girl". But yeah I don't see you as more than a friend at this moment. And I don't think any other girls like me right now.
Me: oh ok. well thanks for letting me know. I need to read the Bible right now. Good night (that's me trying to escape)
Andrew: hmm... ok. Good night.

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Ok so this song is not exactly the situation, but I really like the lyrics and it's a nice song :P

What a stressful day.

Today was my last day of tutoring with Adelaide (gr. 10 French) at Notabilia. That was not the stressful part. The stressful part came after. SOMEBODY (not any of you reading this, don't worry) changed plans last minute and because of that, I got stressed out and even started crying. Usually I am quite patient with things like this but this time I broke.

I think that actually it wasn't the person's fault for making me cry. I was already subconsciously stressed out about the whole Andrew thing and also stressed out about what perspective I should take about the gift of healing (yesterday somebody else told me about how you can heal someone just by praying and lots of other stuff that totally mind-boggled me). I was also stressed out because my mom is treating me like a kid and giving me double standard in the way she allows my sister to do stuff but not me.

It's hard for me to tell you guys this over the phone because people are around and I don't want them to hear. That's why I just spill it out on this blog.

I've been going through a hard time today. It was supposed to be a fun day with Jenny and church friends but I ended up crying more than once today. Thank God Jenny didn't see... I was actually fine during the time that Jenny and I hung out. It was before the hangout and after the hangout that I was feeling down.

To top it all off, I was supposed to go to CNE with Arabic church tomorrow but all of them cancelled on me so I was left with two CNE tickets that I didn't know what to do with. But my mom says she'll go with me on Saturday. I hope it won't be stressful.

I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Psalm 126:5-6 (the Bible)

--
I just want to give up on Andrew. Enough waiting for him, why don't I wait upon God instead? God understands how I feel. Today as I was reading my devotion book on the bus, I felt God telling me that my heart needs to be renewed before I can start any romantic relationship. My heart needed healing after Adrian, and now that it has healed, the next step is a renewed heart that is passionate for God and is refreshed in the Spirit.

Thuy says that Andrew should at least tell me how he feels about me. I don't know how to ask him though, without sounding like I'm pressuring him. Aaron says I shouldn't ask, because we wouldn't want him to give an answer without it being led by God. I don't know what to think anymore. I just don't want to wait for him and cry every night because of this. The hard part is not the waiting. It's waiting while I observe my sister dating my friend. I feel like it's not fair, the double standard that my mom puts on us.

My sister is allowed to date while I am not, and my mom keeps reminding me of past stuff and reminding me of how I need to focus on school first. Well doesn't my sister also have school??? It makes me mad.

For all I know, I'm just another girl to Andrew. At least with God I know that He thinks I'm special and He cares about me uniquely. Andrew is just a clueless person who doesn't know what he's missing. Sorry, I'm just upset. If he doesn't want me, then too bad for him. It's his loss. I'm not gonna cry over him.

God, I'm Yours.

Perfect theme song about waiting for Andrew

I love how this song makes you wait a good long time during the intro before you hear the singing part of the song. Uncomfortable waiting isn't it? It's hard to wait. You just want to fast forward. But God wants us to learn patience and not rush things, especially love.

I love the lyrics of this song. Reflects pretty much everything I feel about Andrew. Yesterday night I was crying because the waiting was getting hard. I even texted Andrew (as well as a bunch of people from lifegroup) to get them to pray for me because it was getting hard. So Andrew knows that it's hard for me. Good thing he texted back. I'm always glad to hear from him.

I'll be waiting for you baby, till the time is right :) Love is waiting.

What encourages me is people like Caleb, who are also waiting (he likes a girl, not me, and he's waiting on it). And people like Nanette too, she's also waiting for the right one to come along and she prayed a prayer for me that is just perfect: Peace be with you.

I love Tintin!!!

I want to watch this movie with Andrew in Montreal. :)

James 1:2-8

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

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Question: What do you work hardest at?

2 Peter 1:5-8

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

What is Love? baby don't hurt me... :P

Yeah, it's a line from a song.

I feel like writing right now to analyze my love life. Or analyze love. Whatever. Basically I want to analyze what happened to me+Adrian, me+Sam, and me+Andrew. (Maybe I should throw in Caleb in there???)

My friend Selena and I were discussing on our PEI trip last year... At that point I was dating Adrian but I had a crush on Ronson. Surprise? Probably... I don't think I mentioned Ronson to any of you reading this. But anyways. Selena told me that I love Adrian, but I was not in love with him. It was obvious because whenever I was away from Toronto, I never missed Adrian. Well actually even when I was in Toronto I would not miss Adrian when we were not together.

Adrian was a really good friend. And he became more than that because we got into a romantic relationship together. Did I feel passion when we hugged and kissed? Yes. But was I in love with him? No.

It's kind of like what my sister said. Sometimes you love someone so much as a friend that you want to please them. And then you trick yourself into thinking that you are in love with them too. And of course, all humans especially girls long for affection, and then you confuse affection with being in love. I enjoyed the affection with Adrian, but was my heart really in love? No.

But I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else when I was with him. That was for sure.

But the love got combined with lust. That was the problem. Lust overtook me and I became someone I didn't like. Someone who became very impure and far away from God. And God didn't like it either. So God broke us up. Simple as that. Well, not really that simple actually...

It was a horrible heartbreak. The hardest thing about it was that I lost a friend, a part of myself, and had to leave my church. I was walking with a flesh wound open. But praise God, God healed me and brought me to Grace Chinese Gospel Church.

Whenever I think I am fully healed from this whole Adrian thing, I soon find out that I am not. I am healing more and more, but I don't think I am fully healed yet. I know this because this Friday I'll be seeing Adrian and I think I'm gonna cry. It's normal right? After all, I lost a part of me that could never be reversed with this guy.

Now that I think of it, it's pretty risky for me to start something with Andrew if I am not fully healed about Adrian. It's a good thing I'm not dating Andrew right now, just friends. Even though he knows I like him, but we're not dating or anything. Far from it, I think. He's still praying about it.

With me and Sam it was very confusing. I liked Andrew, Caleb, and Sam (in that order) in rapid succession after I broke up with Adrian. I told Sam I liked him and he liked me back. We had somewhat similar personalities and we thought it could work out. But I was totally not over Adrian yet, far from it, so I became super attached and my parents were super against me and Sam being together.

So did I really like Sam or was it just a rebound? I would say I really did like Sam. And that he was also a rebound. Selena told me that Sam looked like Adrian. Anyways to keep it short, Sam and I were not meant to be.

Recently though, even though I like Andrew, I feel myself sometimes yearning affection from Sam. He is around a lot. He goes to my lifegroup and he is a great friend. We hang out more often now. So that makes me question... Do I really like Andrew or am I just yearning affection from any nice guy out there?

I think I do yearn for affection. But I don't like Sam. I don't feel the same things I have for Andrew when I am with Sam. Sam is just a good friend. Maybe if things were different, if life was set on a different plan, then things could have worked out with me and Sam. We talk very well and serve very well together, after all. (but hey! He doesn't speak French!)

But with Andrew I know I do like him because over the past year he's been the one I always go back to. The one I cried over and prayed over more than any other guy. And I know that as I get to know him more and more, whether I am really in love with this guy will soon reveal itself and I will know for sure whether he is the right one for me or not.

Oh and Caleb? haha... yeah some of you thought I really liked him right? I think Caleb was just a phase. Because I thought that Andrew didn't like me and there was no hope with him, so I thought of being with Caleb instead. :P

Anyway, update you things later... I'll let you know how my meetup with Adrian goes this Friday.

Found this on my friend's blog: very inspring :)

"If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full." - John Piper

I really like this song. It talks about missing someone who is far away. :) haha you can kind of guess who it makes me think of.

Yesterday Andrew messaged me online. I find it hard to get to know someone through online though... it takes longer and it's much less personal. Well, I did learn something about him. I learned that he has no middle name (so much for hoping that his middle name is Matthew), and that his birth certificate says Andrew Chao Daongam. His Chinese name is "Wah Sung".

He also doesn't know how to read or write Chinese. Or so he says. He somehow typed out his Chinese name in Chinese characters for me to see though.

Yesterday night I also talked to Adrian over the phone. It was much better than the last phone call. I'm going to meet Adrian (God willing) alone at 6:30pm at harvey's next week Friday before ETCBC Titus fellowship. And then we're going to Titus fellowship together. I don't know what's gonna happen but this might be a way that we can finally get closure on the relationship and become "friends" again. Please don't mention this to my sister or parents. They don't know.

I'm a strong girl. I think I can handle it. Even if I cry when I see Adrian, I know I need to see him at least one last time. Just to put an end to this thing and say goodbye. And I need to visit ETCBC Titus fellowship, because I never got to say a proper goodbye before I left.

Like I mentioned before, one chapter is ending and another one is beginning.

I know this is my 3rd blog post in a day, but STILL! I want to just say that

I AM SO JEALOUS OF MY SISTER RIGHT NOW!!!! >:(

Crap, I'm officially obsessed.

Rules for Martine Lee to follow for the next two weeks or so (until Labour Day).

1.) Do not check out Andrew's facebook page.
2.) Do not check out Andrew's work youtube page (it has nothing there anyways, just about ventilation systems)
3.) Do not post or share anything on facebook (especially to capture Andrew's attention), only post stuff to communicate with other people.
4.) Do not message, text, call or skype Andrew, unless he is the one to do it first. Give him some space.
5.) Do not try to talk to Andrew's guy friends.
6.) Don't get your hopes up. (My sister says for all I know, "I'll pray about it" might mean a "No") Right now, I am taking it as a yes but really I am just setting myself up for depression if I think of it that way and he turns out to like someone else.

Other rules for Martine:

1.) Don't flirt with other guys (believe it or not, I was tempted to flirt with Sam, because I used to like him before and recently we started spending time together again)
2.) Don't restart anything with Adrian (yes, believe it or not, I might see him in two weeks cuz I want to visit my old church)

On Waiting

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

Psalm 119:166
I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Proverbs 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

Lamentations 3:24
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Micah 7:7
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

James 5:7
[ Patience in Suffering ] Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

Today is THE BIG DAY!

No, not the day I get married.

But... I will update you later on how it goes! Woke up super early this morning, straightened my hair, put on cross earrings...

And coming with the expectation that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. So much prayer and talks have led up to this day, and I am prepared for No as an answer. I just hope I can articulate my feelings and thoughts properly and that the friendship won't end up awkward as a result of this.

One thing leading to another

I went to bed at like 11:30pm ish but I kept on thinking about Saturday 10am (meeting Andrew) and I just got more and more excited and couldn't fall asleep. So I went downstairs to eat something and then decided I would get my laptop and write on my blog.

One thing led to another and I noticed that on facebook my friend asked me to help give him some Bible verses for a friend that is going through loneliness. So I was looking through my French Gideons Bible (because that is the one where it gives me Bible passages for specific situations) and I sent them to him.

I think instead of talking about Andrew (which is probably getting boring by now) I am going to post those Bible passages for you so that you can benefit from them if you are going through a rough time or loneliness! So here they are:

Psalm 23

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹ The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
² He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
³ He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
⁴ Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

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Romans 8:35-39

New Living Translation (NLT)

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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2 Corinthians 4:16-18

¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Feeling reassured

Today I saw Thuy's email, talked with my friends Lidia and Jen, and talked with Andrew online. Things are slowly starting to fall into place. I'm meeting Andrew Saturday morning at Dundas Station area's Pickle Barrel for brunch.

It's going to be a casual, fun meeting. I'm going to talk about normal stuff first, then near the end of the brunch meeting I'm going to tell him how I feel, and leave the decision up to him, I'm not going to expect a relationship out of it, even though I want one.

I'm going to make it clear to Andrew that I want to just stay friends, unless God reveals to him one day that we should be more than that. I'm feeling positive now, not nervous.

Thanks for all the support, everyone!

Sorry, have to talk about Andrew again.

My sister gave me a "tip" for talking to Andrew. She said that it would be good if we took a walk somewhere to talk, instead of sitting down to talk, because it would feel more natural, less awkward in times of silence, and also you are walking so you are exercising so it makes your heart pump which can be mistaken for heart pumping due to love (it's a psychology thing).

So this led me to ask Andrew if he wanted to take a walk somewhere to talk, like a park or something. He hasn't replied since Friday and I'm wondering if I scared him away with this proposition.

I'm starting to think about whether I'm rushing things, like maybe I really should have waited until December or even later. I don't know. Maybe I really should have gotten to know him even better before deciding to tell him. I don't know.

I have a whole list of things that I want in a future husband. And to be honest, I'm starting to have doubts about whether Andrew fits those criteria. Because I never really did get to ask him whether he liked to travel (well he does like to travel to Toronto a lot) or whether he would want kids, or whether he enjoys missions (actually I think he does, otherwise he wouldn't be evangelism coordinator at his church), stuff like that. Stuff that I wouldn't be able to know anyway since I talk to him so little.

But then again, part of me likes Andrew a lot and wouldn't mind if he didn't like to travel or whatever, because from what I DO know about him, I know he's a great person, and I know I would still be good with him. :) At least, that's what I think. We both have a heart for God, we both like to speak French, we both like to serve God, play guitar, sing, hang out... and he's patient, understanding, kind, a gentleman, hardworking, and accepting. That's what matters to me.

Things to be thankful for

I originally wanted to come on this blog to complain about how heavy and thick my new glasses are, but instead I think I should just be thankful for what I have.

Currently there is a huge famine going on in Somalia. I am thankful that I have food.

There was a recent flood in Seoul. I am thankful that I am safe and dry.

Even if Andrew never ends up meeting with me, I am still thankful that I have him as a friend.

Although I just came back from a very stressful retreat (taking care of kids), I am thankful that there was at least one kid who had fun, and seeing those kids smile just made my day's troubles melt away.

Although I have super heavy glasses, at least I can see.

I have friends and family, I am safe, I am well-rested. What more can I ask for?

Obsession, Longing, and Looking Forward...

I've become obsessed with this song. I sang it, I listened to it, at least 100 times by now (or nearing 100 times). I feel that it kind of describes how I feel about Adrian, in a way, even though not all the lyrics match the situation. But for sure, I still wish the best for Adrian.

I got a text from him this morning, actually. I had texted him first, asking him how he is, telling him that I am still thinking of him and praying for him. It's like an old chapter of my life is starting to close (the chapter with Adrian in it) and another chapter seems to be opening (Andrew).

Adrian gave me a vague idea about how his life is going, telling me that he's doing ok. That there are big changes ahead for him (what changes? I don't know), and that August will be a busy month for him. He also said that he still doesn't know how to talk to me (understandable)

Part of me wants to email him and update him on how I'm doing, what new things have been happening, tell him about how I'm going into Tyndale now and starting a new internship, stuff like that. I obviously wouldn't tell him about Andrew unless he was totally over me and won't ever think of being with me again though.

See, that's what's preventing me from emailing Adrian. I want him to completely get over me. If I email him, what's the use? It will just stir up old feelings when what he needs is to be healed.

Plus, I'm afraid for myself too. What if I start having feelings for Adrian again? I just started this "new journey" with Andrew and I'm like one week away from telling Andrew I love him. If I throw Adrian back into the mix, I'm going to be in a mess.

I've been trying to figure out what really went on between me and Adrian for a while now because I'm thinking what if Andrew asks me. Cuz what happened was that I started liking Andrew while I was still with Adrian. I met Andrew last year in June, and I broke up with Adrian in the following month,July.

Adrian told me over the phone after we broke up that he thinks that I never was in love with him, but that I just convinced myself that I was. Selena also said to me that I loved Adrian but I was not IN love with him. It was shown through how every time I went on missions or a trip away from Toronto, I never missed him, but he missed me like crazy.

When I first decided to go out with Adrian, I was longing for him because he had broken off our friendship. So maybe to save the friendship, I accepted to go out with him, convincing myself that I loved him more than a friend.

But then the question is, why did I sleep with him if I wasn't in love with him? Now that is digging into a deeper issue. Was it because of my lust? Was it because I wanted to please him? Probably both. And maybe I had convinced myself so much that I was in love with him that I decided it was okay.

But now back to Andrew. I don't know if he will think I am shallow or something, since while I was still with Adrian, I wasn't "loyal" to Adrian since i started liking Andrew before I broke up with him. You know, I did try to be loyal to Adrian, though. I kept on trying to push away my feelings for Andrew.

But after I broke up with Adrian, I became obsessed with Andrew. I also became just the kind of girl that throws herself at other guys. That's what happened with Sam, Caleb, Mike, and all the other guys I had a crush on after I broke up with Adrian.

But Andrew was the one that I always came back to. The one that I thought I had no hope of being with, so I kept on pushing the feelings away, the feelings that just ended up coming back anyways.

well, we'll see where this thing ends up I guess...

ONE MORE WEEK and I am going to tell Andrew!!!! (if all goes well!!!)

And here's a song that describes a bit of what I feel about Andrew...

Things Andrew looks for in a potential spouse

(not in any particular order)

-puts family as a priority
-is a nice person
-serves without having to be asked
-not clingy
-is goal-oriented, knows what she wants
-"there is probably more but I can't think of it right now"

Sigh!

Inspiring Quote

"I do not believe that one can earnestly seek and find the priceless treasure of God's call without a devout prayer life." "That is where God speaks.
The purpose of prayer and of God's call in your life is not to make you number one in the world's eyes, but to make him number one in your life."
We must be willing to be outshone while shining for God. "We hear very little about being smaller in our own self-estimate."

"There is no pattern without the cross. There is no Good News without it. That is what the gospel is all about."

— Ravi Zacharias

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And some reminders from my softball governing leader:

Leaders should be:

*
Humble ~ Daniel 2:30
*
Serving even at the expense of dignity ~ John 13:5
*
willing or desire to lighten the load of those being served/led ~ Matthew 11:27-29
*
Hard workers ~ I Timothy 5:17 —
*
Absent of arrogance ~ I Peter 5:3
*
SHOW HUMILITY ~ Matthew 18:1-4 and 20:20-28