Sunday, January 30, 2011
A new era of birth control pills
Saturday (yesterday) I started taking birth control pills again to control my period, which has been going on since Dec. 31st with barely any days of stoppage. The disadvantage to birth controls is that they contain a lot of hormones, which causes depression and annoyance. I've already started to notice my mood being affected.
I used to be in such despair, saying that I had to choose between cervix cancer (from bleeding so much) or mental health. Personally, I'd rather have cancer than be mentally unwell, but obviously the smart thing is to risk being more depressed to save my life.
Mom says I should just do lots of stuff to cheer myself up. Yeah I guess I'll just have to deal with this all over again.
I used to be in such despair, saying that I had to choose between cervix cancer (from bleeding so much) or mental health. Personally, I'd rather have cancer than be mentally unwell, but obviously the smart thing is to risk being more depressed to save my life.
Mom says I should just do lots of stuff to cheer myself up. Yeah I guess I'll just have to deal with this all over again.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Just when I wondered if true love exists anymore...
My sister showed me this video. I cried because just yesterday I was wondering if anyone will ever love me romantically just the way I am, dry lips, big pimple between eyebrows, bipolar, etc appearances and mannerisms. But this video gave me hope that true love doesn't care about those things. A true love will love you even if you can't even do the things you used to do, or even if you dont have a beautiful smile anymore. That's true love.
And then, the second hit. I realized that my family is like that, they give me true love. Yet I never realized it because I was out looking for love in a boy. And it made me feel grateful that I have family and friends who love me no matter what. What more can I ask for?
If I'm ever going to date another guy though, I pray it will be someone like this guy Chris Medina in this video and the way he loved his girlfriend and never gave up on her...
Oh yeah and another thing... I posted a few days ago that I might not have fallen in love with anybody except for Jeff because all the other guys that came after were "loved" and attracted to because I had a "manque d'affection" (feelingn like something in me is lacking affection). But someone in my class raised up their hand to talk about the French book that we got this theory from and she said "The narrator of the story never loved anyone" but the teacher corrected her, saying, "no, he did love, he just didnn't realize it until later."
So now I see that even though guys like Jong and Adrian I was probably attracted to because of my "manque d'affection", it doesn't mean I never loved them. I didn't fall in love with them (maybe, maybe not) like out of true romantic love but it doesn't mean that I never loved them. Thats why it hurt, because I did love them, whether I truly FELL in love with them or if it was just a feeling of manque d'affection.
Anyway, I'm starting to figure out my love life so much more, and I feel good about that.
Even if one day I get into any car accident (God forbid, but hey it might happen), I want to have lived in such a way that I would have glorified God and loved others so much that my life would have been like being a pastor, even if I don't realize that dream of being an official pastor because of any accident or whatever.
And then, the second hit. I realized that my family is like that, they give me true love. Yet I never realized it because I was out looking for love in a boy. And it made me feel grateful that I have family and friends who love me no matter what. What more can I ask for?
If I'm ever going to date another guy though, I pray it will be someone like this guy Chris Medina in this video and the way he loved his girlfriend and never gave up on her...
Oh yeah and another thing... I posted a few days ago that I might not have fallen in love with anybody except for Jeff because all the other guys that came after were "loved" and attracted to because I had a "manque d'affection" (feelingn like something in me is lacking affection). But someone in my class raised up their hand to talk about the French book that we got this theory from and she said "The narrator of the story never loved anyone" but the teacher corrected her, saying, "no, he did love, he just didnn't realize it until later."
So now I see that even though guys like Jong and Adrian I was probably attracted to because of my "manque d'affection", it doesn't mean I never loved them. I didn't fall in love with them (maybe, maybe not) like out of true romantic love but it doesn't mean that I never loved them. Thats why it hurt, because I did love them, whether I truly FELL in love with them or if it was just a feeling of manque d'affection.
Anyway, I'm starting to figure out my love life so much more, and I feel good about that.
Even if one day I get into any car accident (God forbid, but hey it might happen), I want to have lived in such a way that I would have glorified God and loved others so much that my life would have been like being a pastor, even if I don't realize that dream of being an official pastor because of any accident or whatever.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
i am wide awake and i think that staring at this computer isnt going to help me sleep but i just cant get my mind off of things that happened in the past, things that were said, memories that were shared and life that has happened. i wish i could say i am fully over Adrian but i am not, and these feelings for another guy right now are also interfering and i wonder if any guy will ever accept me for who i am and love me for who i am and accept what i did in the past
i remember that i should love myself first, because if i cannot love myself i cannot expect others to love me. but right now im having trouble loving myself and things are not really going anywhere, just my mind going round and round in circles.
i remember that i should love myself first, because if i cannot love myself i cannot expect others to love me. but right now im having trouble loving myself and things are not really going anywhere, just my mind going round and round in circles.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Des voeux et ce que je me suis rendue compte...
C'est la troisième fois que j'écoute ce petit vidéo. La musique est calmante et le vidéo est très bien fait... très artistique et ça évoque de beaux sentiments. J'ai vraiment envie de voyager.
Aujourd'hui j'ai eu la chance de parler avec un vieux ami, Gary WK, un ami de mon école secondaire. Il m'a dit que son but c'est de visiter au moins 50 pays. Il a déjà visité 38 ou qqch.
Incroyable. Il m'a dit que notre amie d'école secondaire Janet est allée en Afrique (la Côte d'Ivoire) pour enseigner l'anglais. Je suis si jalouse... je n'ai même pas quitté l'Amérique du Nord et je n'ai même pas visité le pays d'origine de mes parents (la Chine).
Puis, après mon cours de français, deux filles m'ont demandé ce que je vais faire après la graduation. J'ai dit que j'irai au séminaire faire ma maîtrise dans l'étude de la Bible mais que je prendrai une année de pause. Quand elles ont entendu ça, elles ont automatiquement pensé à une année de pause dans laquelle j'allais voyager.
Je crois que je vais voyager un peu mais... j'ai pas assez d'argent pour faire un grand voyage. Et puis j'ai besoin de gagner et d'économiser d'argent. En plus, j'ai beaucoup de "commitments" (beaucoup d'engagements) avec mon église et je ne peux pas quitter Toronto pour plus qu'une semaine à la fois, je crois...
Je ne regrette pas avoir pris ces engagements. Mais j'espère voyager plus un jour.
En lisant le livre "Le Vieux Chagrin" pour mon cours de français, je me suis rendue compte que tout le monde désire l'affection. Quelquefois dans la vie on confond le désir d'avoir de l'affection avec le sentiment d'être amoureux. Le narrateur du roman "Le Vieux Chagrin" avait un sentiment de tendresse avec sa femme mais il n'a jamais été amoureux d'elle.
C'est la même chose avec moi. J'ai le désir d'avoir de l'affection alors je me colle ou je poursuive des gars qui ont des qualités ou des caractéristiques que j'aime. Mais je ne suis pas vraiment amoureux d'eux. Même pas Adrian, parce que c'était plutôt l'amour réciproque. Je ne sais pas si j'ai jamais été vraiment amoureuse. Peut-être que j'ai été amoureuse mais maintenant je le questionne. A cause du livre "Le Vieux Chagrin".
Il se peut que... j'ai gaspillé beaucoup de temps avec des gars avec lesquels je n'étais pas vraiment amoureux. Il se peut que j'étais vraiment seulement amoureux avec Jeff (le premier) et puis après lui, c'était seulement la manque d'affection qui m'a poussée à aimer les autres gars dans ma vie.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
There are three things that amaze me—
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman.
~Proverbs 30:18-19
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
~Song of Solomon 8:6
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
~John 15:13
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman.
~Proverbs 30:18-19
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
~Song of Solomon 8:6
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
~John 15:13
Monday, January 17, 2011
Originally I came to this blog to complain about my period problem (which has come back and I was feeling so discouraged)... but now I have something to be thankful. Sam emailed me back and we want to start over again as friends. I'm so in awe of God and how He is bringing us back together to where we first started. I don't know how all this is gonna turn up, but I have hope now. I believe this friendship can actually work...
And I'm listening to this song, thinking about it in terms of my regained friendship with Sam... thank you God...
And I'm listening to this song, thinking about it in terms of my regained friendship with Sam... thank you God...
Philippians 2:14-16
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I like Sara Evans's song...
"A Little Bit Stronger"
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway,
got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway,
got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
NOT sad and NOT pathetic
Hello friends,
Thanks for bearing with me as I went thru my "sad and pathetic" phase. I am feeling much better now, ready to face the world.
School is starting on Tues. and I can barely believe it. I am already busy with lots of work from work work and volunteer. I hope I can be a good student and good worker at the same time. God grant me strength!!!
At the same time, I plan to have fun this semester. It's my last semester so I'm gonna have fun with everything: work, school, friends, whatever. I'm gonna try my best to have a happy attitude and an attitude that is ready to face any challenge.
I am reading a book called "boundaries in dating". It really is practical.
I don't know how to end this blog post... :P haha bye bye for now!
Thanks for bearing with me as I went thru my "sad and pathetic" phase. I am feeling much better now, ready to face the world.
School is starting on Tues. and I can barely believe it. I am already busy with lots of work from work work and volunteer. I hope I can be a good student and good worker at the same time. God grant me strength!!!
At the same time, I plan to have fun this semester. It's my last semester so I'm gonna have fun with everything: work, school, friends, whatever. I'm gonna try my best to have a happy attitude and an attitude that is ready to face any challenge.
I am reading a book called "boundaries in dating". It really is practical.
I don't know how to end this blog post... :P haha bye bye for now!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sad and pathetic
Hello, I haven't written in this blog in a long time. I think since before exams. Sigh. I feel so sad and pathetic right now. I think I'm in love with yet another guy. This guy lives in Montreal and never contacts me unless I contact him first, another one of those passive guys. Cheez! UGH. I was thinking about him before I went to sleep and now I'm not able to sleep.
He has basically everything I'm looking for, as far as I know. He's a kind, polite person, he is patient, friendly, speaks Chinese and French, loves God a lot, is very disciplined and hardworking... He cares a lot about others and he likes music, plays guitar, sings, he's got everything that practically every Christian girl wants.
I am sad because I think when I first met him he was kind of attracted to me, but then I was all crazy about Adrian and clung on to this Montreal guy for support and because of that I think I scared him away, cuz I was a total control freak after I lost Adrian.
Today Nanette from church told me this awesome quote. It's " Guys love bitches, and girls love assholes." And she said that Bitch was an acronym for Babes In Total Control of Herself. And That is so true, guys like girls who are independent. They are not gonna go for a control freak, they are gonna go for the girls in control of themselves.
I don't think I have good control of myself, but I'm working on it. But Andrew from Montreal doesn't know that. He just sees me for what I have told him. He thinks I liked him but don't like him anymore, thinks that I am super open about everything, and that's probably it. I don't think he sees anything attractive in me. I don't know what to think about this, but the reason why I know I love him is because I prayed to God two days ago if I could be with Andrew. That's serious. That's a serious prayer.
People say I'm fast, and I know I am, I just got over Jonathan last month and now I'm back to Andrew. What a mess. What a fast person I am. It makes people question whether I really ever loved a guy and I can tell you, I do. I am just fast, that's all. But I do love truly, madly and deeply.
I am still sad and I feel pathetic that I am such a fast moving person.
Here is a cheesy song to cheer you up:
He has basically everything I'm looking for, as far as I know. He's a kind, polite person, he is patient, friendly, speaks Chinese and French, loves God a lot, is very disciplined and hardworking... He cares a lot about others and he likes music, plays guitar, sings, he's got everything that practically every Christian girl wants.
I am sad because I think when I first met him he was kind of attracted to me, but then I was all crazy about Adrian and clung on to this Montreal guy for support and because of that I think I scared him away, cuz I was a total control freak after I lost Adrian.
Today Nanette from church told me this awesome quote. It's " Guys love bitches, and girls love assholes." And she said that Bitch was an acronym for Babes In Total Control of Herself. And That is so true, guys like girls who are independent. They are not gonna go for a control freak, they are gonna go for the girls in control of themselves.
I don't think I have good control of myself, but I'm working on it. But Andrew from Montreal doesn't know that. He just sees me for what I have told him. He thinks I liked him but don't like him anymore, thinks that I am super open about everything, and that's probably it. I don't think he sees anything attractive in me. I don't know what to think about this, but the reason why I know I love him is because I prayed to God two days ago if I could be with Andrew. That's serious. That's a serious prayer.
People say I'm fast, and I know I am, I just got over Jonathan last month and now I'm back to Andrew. What a mess. What a fast person I am. It makes people question whether I really ever loved a guy and I can tell you, I do. I am just fast, that's all. But I do love truly, madly and deeply.
I am still sad and I feel pathetic that I am such a fast moving person.
Here is a cheesy song to cheer you up:
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