"When
I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This
meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me
small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.”
— Kim McMillen
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
RANT
Can I say a rant here? All those good Christian guys are either taken or too busy with their ministries to date. Or they are so picky for a good Christian girl or too polite so they become friend zoned or end up single for a long time. Seriously, do you think I should just keep on waiting and waiting for a good Christian guy to ask me out? Well guess what, while you are being so patient and polite and picky, I am ending up with the wrong guys who gave me all the attention I wanted. The wrong guys! SO if you are the right guy, can you smarten up and ask me out already?? (i know none of them are reading this though) just a rant
Advice given
Lady named Adele on facebook said:
Hi Martine, u remember the first definition of love? Love is patient. do not be impatient and forget about God's goodness. He knows what should happen in your life. Do not worry about missing out anything..coz u will not. Just take time to pray to God and wait for Him to give u a clear guidance. It will not take long for Him to answer u. Count on Him and believe that your future is in good hands. Pursue the one whose name starts with J and ends with S. U know who I am talking about. Only He knows how to perfectly treasure your heart all the time. Wait on Him to tell u which guy is the right one. Talk to Jesus often, and He will speak to u often too. :)) do not worry so much coz He is God and He knows how to take care of your life.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
At peace
Today I realized how stupid Dr. Chandler (my psychiatrist) can actually be. OK yeah sure he was the one who figured out I was bipolar but really he has no idea how to help me other than just adding more drugs. That's not even the bad part. He didn't even know how to print out the damn ODSP form and he took forever to even AGREE to sign the ODSP form. What kind of psychiatrist doesn't want to help their patient get extra support money from the government? A stupid one of course!
I was so mad but Golda was there so I felt comforted after venting to her and going to Starbucks for a nice dessert and drink. She has now adopted me as godsister. We became close fast.
At lifegroup it was really emotionally and spiritually heavy. We shared about our struggles and got prayed for and sang. If you were there you would really feel the openness, vulnerability and relief after prayer. I just pray that the newcomers are ok because they were late so they came right when I was in the middle of almost getting prayer and when I prayed my voice was shaky and scared. But after the prayer I felt more calm and prayed for others with the spiritual power and word as well.
God is good :)
I was so mad but Golda was there so I felt comforted after venting to her and going to Starbucks for a nice dessert and drink. She has now adopted me as godsister. We became close fast.
At lifegroup it was really emotionally and spiritually heavy. We shared about our struggles and got prayed for and sang. If you were there you would really feel the openness, vulnerability and relief after prayer. I just pray that the newcomers are ok because they were late so they came right when I was in the middle of almost getting prayer and when I prayed my voice was shaky and scared. But after the prayer I felt more calm and prayed for others with the spiritual power and word as well.
God is good :)
Dear Josh
(this may be super weird but I felt like writing here a letter that I will never send, to a friend that I never talk to anymore. His name is Josh Chu. I used to have a crush on him back in grade 7. I just find it hard to talk to God right now so I decided to just pick this person. You'll see why.)
Dear Josh Chu,
I can't believe I'm talking to you in my imagination at 5:22am. I just finished watching the funny romantic comedy movie called "The Beast and the Beauty". I was trying to find the Disney "Beauty and the Beast" movie on youtube but instead found this one. So I watched the whole thing. It was funny but I also was reminded of my desire for a husband.
Unfortunately, your sister got my hopes up and then Facebook broke them. Let me explain. I was at your sister's house yesterday for a sleepover. I felt so happy because for once in my life I found someone who could understand my struggles because you know she struggles too. For once I found someone who could understand why I never take other peoples advice, why I attach myself to a guy so easily, why I need constant guy attention, why i choose the wrong guys, why I crash into depression, all that stuff.
Your sister and I had some good talks and I just happened to mention that I had a crush on you in grade 7. I don't know, maybe things would have been better or just "stayed under the carpet" if I didn't mention that to her. She thought it was hilarious that I used to like you and she wanted to set us up. I asked how you were in your personality, because I haven't really hung out with you for 12 years, ever since you guys left Etcbc.
She said you were very understanding, non judgmental, caring, very supportive of her, your sister. She said you were mature, spiritually, too. I thought wow, why can't I meet someone like that. For a little while I had my hopes up, thinking maybe I could contact you and everything would fall into place and that you would be able to love me. Plus you speak French. I told myself, Martine, don't fall for this, it won't work, don't get your hopes up. But it was too late.
Josh, my heart is broken right now. If only we were still friends, even if you don't like me romantically at least I could talk to a guy who would understand my bipolar and not judge me. Then I wouldn't have to text Christos nonstop. I mean, Christos was the only guy in my life who stuck with me even with my bipolar. That's why I love him, because even though he did many things to sadden me he also cheered me up after and gave me the attention and touch that I wanted.
Josh. If only we were still friends. I think because your sister went through similar things at least you would understand. I can't tell your sister everything because your sister is going through a rougher time herself , I need to support her. I can't make her worry about me. If only you could talk to me right now.
Is it really the medication that fixes all my emotions, or are these emotions really what need to be expressed? Just one day of no medication and then all the emotions come out. What do normal people feel? If the same things happened to a person without bipolar, would they cry as much as me? Would they chase after guys like me?
Josh, the reason why I am crying so much is because I can't get rid of this desire to want to have a husband. Josh, for a second I had my hopes up thinking that it could possibly work between us, I mean, Golda said you didn't have any girlfriend before and wouldn't judge me for not being a virgin.
But silly me I looked through your pictures on facebook and saw you in a picture with a girl. It looked like you were celebrating a birthday alone with her on a beach. That's what it seemed. And it seemed she gave you cups as a gift. I remember my friend Heaven from UTSC told me that when her boyfriend gave her cups it signified in the Chinese tradition that you will stay together forever.
Damn. That just sunk my heart. I can't believe even though you didn't even talk to me I was entranced by what Golda said and basically fell for you even though I just only talked to you for 30 seconds last December. And all those 12 years I didn't talk to you, except for those two times I went to your fellowship.
I guess that's all I have to say. You're not going to read this so really it was just for me to somehow feel better. But I don't know when this crying will end. God bless my soul.
Dear Josh Chu,
I can't believe I'm talking to you in my imagination at 5:22am. I just finished watching the funny romantic comedy movie called "The Beast and the Beauty". I was trying to find the Disney "Beauty and the Beast" movie on youtube but instead found this one. So I watched the whole thing. It was funny but I also was reminded of my desire for a husband.
Unfortunately, your sister got my hopes up and then Facebook broke them. Let me explain. I was at your sister's house yesterday for a sleepover. I felt so happy because for once in my life I found someone who could understand my struggles because you know she struggles too. For once I found someone who could understand why I never take other peoples advice, why I attach myself to a guy so easily, why I need constant guy attention, why i choose the wrong guys, why I crash into depression, all that stuff.
Your sister and I had some good talks and I just happened to mention that I had a crush on you in grade 7. I don't know, maybe things would have been better or just "stayed under the carpet" if I didn't mention that to her. She thought it was hilarious that I used to like you and she wanted to set us up. I asked how you were in your personality, because I haven't really hung out with you for 12 years, ever since you guys left Etcbc.
She said you were very understanding, non judgmental, caring, very supportive of her, your sister. She said you were mature, spiritually, too. I thought wow, why can't I meet someone like that. For a little while I had my hopes up, thinking maybe I could contact you and everything would fall into place and that you would be able to love me. Plus you speak French. I told myself, Martine, don't fall for this, it won't work, don't get your hopes up. But it was too late.
Josh, my heart is broken right now. If only we were still friends, even if you don't like me romantically at least I could talk to a guy who would understand my bipolar and not judge me. Then I wouldn't have to text Christos nonstop. I mean, Christos was the only guy in my life who stuck with me even with my bipolar. That's why I love him, because even though he did many things to sadden me he also cheered me up after and gave me the attention and touch that I wanted.
Josh. If only we were still friends. I think because your sister went through similar things at least you would understand. I can't tell your sister everything because your sister is going through a rougher time herself , I need to support her. I can't make her worry about me. If only you could talk to me right now.
Is it really the medication that fixes all my emotions, or are these emotions really what need to be expressed? Just one day of no medication and then all the emotions come out. What do normal people feel? If the same things happened to a person without bipolar, would they cry as much as me? Would they chase after guys like me?
Josh, the reason why I am crying so much is because I can't get rid of this desire to want to have a husband. Josh, for a second I had my hopes up thinking that it could possibly work between us, I mean, Golda said you didn't have any girlfriend before and wouldn't judge me for not being a virgin.
But silly me I looked through your pictures on facebook and saw you in a picture with a girl. It looked like you were celebrating a birthday alone with her on a beach. That's what it seemed. And it seemed she gave you cups as a gift. I remember my friend Heaven from UTSC told me that when her boyfriend gave her cups it signified in the Chinese tradition that you will stay together forever.
Damn. That just sunk my heart. I can't believe even though you didn't even talk to me I was entranced by what Golda said and basically fell for you even though I just only talked to you for 30 seconds last December. And all those 12 years I didn't talk to you, except for those two times I went to your fellowship.
I guess that's all I have to say. You're not going to read this so really it was just for me to somehow feel better. But I don't know when this crying will end. God bless my soul.
one day maybe i'll feel better again
A fragile heart bleeds slowly and shatters
The broken pieces collected by a charmer
Slowly the pieces put back together
But the heart is never ever the same again
Wishing it could be whole, but no,
some pieces are gone, taken by lovers
Until the day Jesus comes back to take her
She will be a fragile flower of a broken jar
She will continue to shine, even if weakly
She will stand strong, though her knees are weak
She will overcome, one day at a time
Just hold her, she needs love.
Untitled, by Martine Lee
(my first poem with no edits from beginning to end, no brains, just soul)
The broken pieces collected by a charmer
Slowly the pieces put back together
But the heart is never ever the same again
Wishing it could be whole, but no,
some pieces are gone, taken by lovers
Until the day Jesus comes back to take her
She will be a fragile flower of a broken jar
She will continue to shine, even if weakly
She will stand strong, though her knees are weak
She will overcome, one day at a time
Just hold her, she needs love.
Untitled, by Martine Lee
(my first poem with no edits from beginning to end, no brains, just soul)
WOWed by this music :D be inspired!!! The third song is my favorite so far!
One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
The world in motion
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
The world in motion
You're out beyond the furthest morning star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms
Close enough to hold me in Your arms
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the rock of ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous
Resounds upon the rock of ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous
You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me
I answer from the deepest part of me
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
From age to age You reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me
And today You're making miracles in me
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
My Adonai
You are the Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
You will never walk alone by Point of Grace
Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know
(Chorus)
(Chorus)
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
And you may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone
Never, no never
The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember wherever you may go
(Repeat Chorus)
Jesus knows your joy, Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully
----
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
After a down there is always an up, and vice versa
Hi friends,
I haven't updated in a while. The last few posts were just songs, quotes, and short prayers. And the previous really long post was when I was crying nonstop. I am happy to say that those times have passed. Last week I was also feeling guilty, unmotivated, trying to hide my feelings, hollow, and in denial. I rather not get into it though, because I am feeling better now.
Right now I'm at my friend Golda's house. We reconnected after 10 long years. We actually have a lot in common, although I cannot share much otherwise it would not be fair to her. But I am happy to know that someone has gone through very similar experiences and wants to support me. I know you guys reading this also support me, but in a special way Golda I can identify with her.
Today Christos visited me. I gave him his new Bible, and we are just friends right now. I'm not lying, we are just friends. I'm happy to be his friend. He has been a support to me even though yes he was sometimes the source of my pain. It's hard to explain but whatever as long as things are good now I'm not gonna worry about trying to make anyone understand.
Last week I also spent less time with God. I was so disillusioned and being hard on myself, couldn't get out of sleepyworld and so so unmotivated. But today somehow I guess I started the day right, finally read the Bible again and listened to Kari Jobe Christian music. And finally felt motivated again for school, gonna try to eat better, play piano, and become a more healthy me again.
I'm glad I have friends who stick with me through ups and downs and craziness. I really do appreciate all of you. :) God bless you all.
I haven't updated in a while. The last few posts were just songs, quotes, and short prayers. And the previous really long post was when I was crying nonstop. I am happy to say that those times have passed. Last week I was also feeling guilty, unmotivated, trying to hide my feelings, hollow, and in denial. I rather not get into it though, because I am feeling better now.
Right now I'm at my friend Golda's house. We reconnected after 10 long years. We actually have a lot in common, although I cannot share much otherwise it would not be fair to her. But I am happy to know that someone has gone through very similar experiences and wants to support me. I know you guys reading this also support me, but in a special way Golda I can identify with her.
Today Christos visited me. I gave him his new Bible, and we are just friends right now. I'm not lying, we are just friends. I'm happy to be his friend. He has been a support to me even though yes he was sometimes the source of my pain. It's hard to explain but whatever as long as things are good now I'm not gonna worry about trying to make anyone understand.
Last week I also spent less time with God. I was so disillusioned and being hard on myself, couldn't get out of sleepyworld and so so unmotivated. But today somehow I guess I started the day right, finally read the Bible again and listened to Kari Jobe Christian music. And finally felt motivated again for school, gonna try to eat better, play piano, and become a more healthy me again.
I'm glad I have friends who stick with me through ups and downs and craziness. I really do appreciate all of you. :) God bless you all.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Dear God,
Please wash me clean again, thanks for giving me another chance
I'm sorry for running away from You
Please help me be faithful
Help me to know that all I need is You
Oh how many times have I broken your heart
but still you forgive, if only I ask
oh how many times, have you heard me pray
Draw near to me
Please wash me clean again, thanks for giving me another chance
I'm sorry for running away from You
Please help me be faithful
Help me to know that all I need is You
Oh how many times have I broken your heart
but still you forgive, if only I ask
oh how many times, have you heard me pray
Draw near to me
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Life is hard but it is well with my soul
As you probably have read from my weekend posts, you could probably tell I was crying nonstop and having a really hard time. But now that time has passed, I am joyful again, praise God. I have given up on trying to get over Christos. Every time I try to stop talking to him, it works for a little while then I end up talking to him again being happy then sad again when I realize I am not over him. Well maybe I should stop forcing myself to get over him and just let the feelings flow freely. If one day I get over him good but right now I can't so I will keep being his friend and stop trying to block him off.
Right now I feel that I am putting God first because I am constantly in the Word and worship music, constantly aware and praising God, I pray, and overall I feel God's approval and presence. With Christos things are going well, he asked me to get him a Bible and that was the coolest thing I heard coming out of his mouth. LOL. Before he wouldn't even want to read it , now he wants to. Praise God.
We both feel that God knew in advance that our relationship would go through ups and downs and crazy drama but there was a purpose in all of that. Looking back, I have learned so much about myself. Being with Christos exposes all my weaknesses and all my strengths. Mostly weaknesses. But that is besides the point. With him, I realized how I always look to people for approval and always take people's advice so seriously that I pressure myself and fear what people think. My counselor told me through all this that I need to learn to set boundaries in my heart, and not feel pressured to be the perfect Martine that everyone wants or sees me as.
I also learned more about what God is like. I love Christos even though his past is a very broken one filled with mistakes and regrets. I love him even though I know he hurt me and I forgive him totally. I see him as Christos, not the guy who broke my heart. In the same way, God sees us as His children that he loves, NOT as ugly pieces of crap who broke his heart. He forgives us and loves us unconditionally, just like I love Christos unconditionally.
I know now that Christos does love me, that he does care. Sometimes he may not express it the way I want him to, or he may be doing stuff that I don't like, but he doesn't mean to hurt me.
On another note, I am also happy because many new people have been coming to lifegroup and outreach is going well. I can see God working in people's hearts, how God uses prayer and care from church friends to help those going through hard times.
Also I am happy because I went shopping LOL. Didn't go shopping in so long and I got some Giant Tiger store's deals. People say I look different now, thanks to Thuy's makeup :) Thanks Thuy :) I feel like a real woman now. LOL.
School is going alright but I am very behind in readings. I tend to put people ahead of myself and there is so many people who need my care. God is working through me though, I can feel it. And thank God I received 2000 dollars for free for my tuition from the church!
Thanksgiving is coming and I am looking forward to times with family and church friends. I hope everyone will have a good time.
We should all be thankful for what we have because one day it could be taken away. My two friends right now are in the hospital for mental illness and basically when you end up in the hospital like that it feels like your life is taken away. Please pray for them. Also Gloria's boyfriend, this year some of his friends got shot to death. And knowing that, I feel I should be even more conscious of spending time with people in my family and friends. Time is short, enjoy every moment, stop crying and start singing :)
Right now I feel that I am putting God first because I am constantly in the Word and worship music, constantly aware and praising God, I pray, and overall I feel God's approval and presence. With Christos things are going well, he asked me to get him a Bible and that was the coolest thing I heard coming out of his mouth. LOL. Before he wouldn't even want to read it , now he wants to. Praise God.
We both feel that God knew in advance that our relationship would go through ups and downs and crazy drama but there was a purpose in all of that. Looking back, I have learned so much about myself. Being with Christos exposes all my weaknesses and all my strengths. Mostly weaknesses. But that is besides the point. With him, I realized how I always look to people for approval and always take people's advice so seriously that I pressure myself and fear what people think. My counselor told me through all this that I need to learn to set boundaries in my heart, and not feel pressured to be the perfect Martine that everyone wants or sees me as.
I also learned more about what God is like. I love Christos even though his past is a very broken one filled with mistakes and regrets. I love him even though I know he hurt me and I forgive him totally. I see him as Christos, not the guy who broke my heart. In the same way, God sees us as His children that he loves, NOT as ugly pieces of crap who broke his heart. He forgives us and loves us unconditionally, just like I love Christos unconditionally.
I know now that Christos does love me, that he does care. Sometimes he may not express it the way I want him to, or he may be doing stuff that I don't like, but he doesn't mean to hurt me.
On another note, I am also happy because many new people have been coming to lifegroup and outreach is going well. I can see God working in people's hearts, how God uses prayer and care from church friends to help those going through hard times.
Also I am happy because I went shopping LOL. Didn't go shopping in so long and I got some Giant Tiger store's deals. People say I look different now, thanks to Thuy's makeup :) Thanks Thuy :) I feel like a real woman now. LOL.
School is going alright but I am very behind in readings. I tend to put people ahead of myself and there is so many people who need my care. God is working through me though, I can feel it. And thank God I received 2000 dollars for free for my tuition from the church!
Thanksgiving is coming and I am looking forward to times with family and church friends. I hope everyone will have a good time.
We should all be thankful for what we have because one day it could be taken away. My two friends right now are in the hospital for mental illness and basically when you end up in the hospital like that it feels like your life is taken away. Please pray for them. Also Gloria's boyfriend, this year some of his friends got shot to death. And knowing that, I feel I should be even more conscious of spending time with people in my family and friends. Time is short, enjoy every moment, stop crying and start singing :)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
All I had to do was sing
I was once again crying over Harold this time today after coming back from my parents home. At my parents home I was crying over my family. I swear this bipolar disorder is getting worse and worse. The more friends I talk to the more I cry and so once and for all I decided to do it Paul the apostle's way.
Paul the apostle in the Bible when he got arrested and put in jail for preaching Christianity, he started singing in the jail. He didn't cry he just sang. So why can't I?
So I started singing. And now all the pain is gone. Magic. I was practicing "Listen" by Beyonce. One day I'll perfect it and if someone can buy me a digital camera with videorecording option for Christmas, I'll post up more and more youtube videos of all the songs I've been practicing this year!
Paul the apostle in the Bible when he got arrested and put in jail for preaching Christianity, he started singing in the jail. He didn't cry he just sang. So why can't I?
So I started singing. And now all the pain is gone. Magic. I was practicing "Listen" by Beyonce. One day I'll perfect it and if someone can buy me a digital camera with videorecording option for Christmas, I'll post up more and more youtube videos of all the songs I've been practicing this year!
Dear God
Dear God,
What have I got to do to make this pain end? I can't believe I've been crying for the whole night already I didn't even know that this long time crying was possible. Dear God I love you but why do I still hold on to Christos like this? It is impossible that I marry him and it was never the right decision in the first place so why am I still like this?
I just want to down some anti-depression pills to make this stop, I don't want to cry anymore. Please God can you please save me? What's wrong with me? Why am I bipolar? Why can't I make up my own mind?
The stupid pills make me sleep like 14 hours a day I don't want to take them anymore but yet the pain it comes back so strong when I don't take them. Every time I'm happy I suddenly get sad again it's all the stupid bipolar fault I don't understand.
So confused, just want to go to my heavenly home I am NOT going to kill myself I just want to be in a place where there is no pain, where love lasts forever and where I can just be 100% happy and don't need to worry about pain coming back.
God, please listen to me, I am desperate and I cannot do this anymore.
What have I got to do to make this pain end? I can't believe I've been crying for the whole night already I didn't even know that this long time crying was possible. Dear God I love you but why do I still hold on to Christos like this? It is impossible that I marry him and it was never the right decision in the first place so why am I still like this?
I just want to down some anti-depression pills to make this stop, I don't want to cry anymore. Please God can you please save me? What's wrong with me? Why am I bipolar? Why can't I make up my own mind?
The stupid pills make me sleep like 14 hours a day I don't want to take them anymore but yet the pain it comes back so strong when I don't take them. Every time I'm happy I suddenly get sad again it's all the stupid bipolar fault I don't understand.
So confused, just want to go to my heavenly home I am NOT going to kill myself I just want to be in a place where there is no pain, where love lasts forever and where I can just be 100% happy and don't need to worry about pain coming back.
God, please listen to me, I am desperate and I cannot do this anymore.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Truth hurts
First of all, I am going to apologize to all my readers that once again this blog post is a sad one about my feelings about Christos. But I trust that all of you who are good friends of mine will not judge me and will read knowing that I just need to let this out.
The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy. I felt totally in love with Jesus. But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.
But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last. When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body. All that crap. Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.
Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted. I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him. The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.
I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.
People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer. I just do. It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him. It's not the characteristics about him that I love. I love HIM. I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.
I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out. I really can't torture myself any longer. I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year. Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.
Most of all, it doesn't help ME.
I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this. I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason. I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...
Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest. Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.
I just know that I love him. And God knows too.
Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest. I thought about cutting myself again. I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking. I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.
Friends can only help so much. They can give advices but honestly it's up to me. I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.
Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms. But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.
Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand. Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.
The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy. I felt totally in love with Jesus. But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.
But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last. When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body. All that crap. Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.
Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted. I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him. The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.
I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.
People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer. I just do. It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him. It's not the characteristics about him that I love. I love HIM. I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.
I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out. I really can't torture myself any longer. I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year. Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.
Most of all, it doesn't help ME.
I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this. I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason. I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...
Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest. Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.
I just know that I love him. And God knows too.
Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest. I thought about cutting myself again. I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking. I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.
Friends can only help so much. They can give advices but honestly it's up to me. I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.
Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms. But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.
Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand. Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
The chapter Psalm 23 in the Bible is pretty famous, but if we really think about the words they are POWERFUL. The first verse is usually translated "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". Other translations also clarify, saying "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing" or "... I have all that I need". Can we believe so hard that God is going to take care of us that we also believe that we don't need to want anything more or lack anything?
I've been thinking lately. The first two weeks after I moved out, I was totally in love with Jesus, just spending 3 times a day with him, once at every meal, praying and reading the Bible. As school and responsibilities got more busy, I started skipping times with God and just rushing through life. When I started rushing through life or just drifting with it ("going with the flow" rather than making time for God), I started to feel like I was lacking something.
A man. Yeah. That again. I started wondering once again how come it didn't work out with Harold, or wanting the comfort of Christos back (he was just always there, talking with me every day, his words were like fake honey, like glucose fructose, and I say fake and not sugar because God's Word is supposed to be the real deal).
It all starts with desire. If we desire God more than anything, we will be satisfied and feel like we don't need anything except God. Let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling. The first two weeks after I moved out I never felt so at peace and free. I had fun serving at church and I had full confidence that everything was going to be ok. Now? I'm fluctuating. I'm realizing I need to get back to desiring God first, instead of trying to make myself happy through my own methods.
When I am good with God, I am joyful, confident, and free. I need to stay that way. To do that, I need to say no to temporary pleasures that may make me end up in pain or trouble (e.g. Christos wants to see me alone... AGAIN!) I can't let things like that happen, no matter how much it seems appealing in the short term. I need to love God more. I need to be lovesick for Jesus and no one else.
I've been thinking lately. The first two weeks after I moved out, I was totally in love with Jesus, just spending 3 times a day with him, once at every meal, praying and reading the Bible. As school and responsibilities got more busy, I started skipping times with God and just rushing through life. When I started rushing through life or just drifting with it ("going with the flow" rather than making time for God), I started to feel like I was lacking something.
A man. Yeah. That again. I started wondering once again how come it didn't work out with Harold, or wanting the comfort of Christos back (he was just always there, talking with me every day, his words were like fake honey, like glucose fructose, and I say fake and not sugar because God's Word is supposed to be the real deal).
It all starts with desire. If we desire God more than anything, we will be satisfied and feel like we don't need anything except God. Let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling. The first two weeks after I moved out I never felt so at peace and free. I had fun serving at church and I had full confidence that everything was going to be ok. Now? I'm fluctuating. I'm realizing I need to get back to desiring God first, instead of trying to make myself happy through my own methods.
When I am good with God, I am joyful, confident, and free. I need to stay that way. To do that, I need to say no to temporary pleasures that may make me end up in pain or trouble (e.g. Christos wants to see me alone... AGAIN!) I can't let things like that happen, no matter how much it seems appealing in the short term. I need to love God more. I need to be lovesick for Jesus and no one else.
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