Truth hurts

First of all, I am going to apologize to all my readers that once again this blog post is a sad one about my feelings about Christos.  But I trust that all of you who are good friends of mine will not judge me and will read knowing that I just need to let this out.

The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy.  I felt totally in love with Jesus.  But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.

But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last.  When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body.  All that crap.  Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.

Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted.  I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him.  The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.

I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.

People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer.  I just do.  It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him.  It's not the characteristics about him that I love.  I love HIM.  I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.

I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out.  I really can't torture myself any longer.  I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year.  Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.

Most of all, it doesn't help ME.

I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this.  I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason.  I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...

Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest.  Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.

I just know that I love him.  And God knows too.

Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest.  I thought about cutting myself again.  I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking.  I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.

Friends can only help so much.  They can give advices but honestly it's up to me.  I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.

Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms.  But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.

Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand.  Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.