A New Year's Blessing for You

Purpose - As you complete your daily tasks, may you understand how they contribute to the larger purpose of your life. May you experience deep satisfaction as you discover and carry out your unique role. (Psalms 25:12, 139:16; Jeremiah 29:11)

Fulfilling Work - May you take pleasure in all your work. May every task you undertake succeed, and may you enjoy the good things your labor supplies. (Ecclesiastes 1:24; Psalms 41:3)

Physical Health - May you and those you love remain strong in body and free from disease. May those who suffer from injury or illness recover quickly and completely. (3 John 1:2; Deuteronomy 7:15; Psalms 41:3)

Peace of Mind - May you mind and heart always be at rest. May gratitude and peace replace every anxious, fearful thought. (2 Thessalonians 3:16; Philippians 4:6)

Good Relationships - May you be surrounded by loving, faithful, and supportive friends. Where relationships have been broken, may you find reconciliation and forgiveness. (Proverbs 17:17, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Matthew 5:23-24)

Sufficient Resources - May you have exactly what you need for each day. May you become rich in every way so that you can share generously with others. (Proverbs 20:8-9; Luke 11:3; 2 Corinthians 9:11

"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

I'm hopeful

I'm hopeful that i will eventually find a mission-minded, godly, loving, funny, smart, French-speaking husband who will care about me and treat me right. I'm hopeful that someday it will be all worth the wait and i will give him all of me afresh and pure by the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe he will be the perfect match and that we will be perfect for each other and be patient with each others' flaws.

This is my prayer...



I want to be godly and loving to my future husband, ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE... even the days before I know who he is. I will honour God with my body and soul and prepare myself to be the perfect bride.

And Thuy will be my bridesmaid :D along with all the cell group girls. My sister will be the maid of honour. And Aaron and Caleb will be groomsmen :D

We are the light of the world (love these lyrics !!!)

Somehow this song comforts me

I hope that one day I will find Mr. Right. And not only will he be the right one for me but he will love me to death, treat me right, and have the common hobbies goals and dreams that I have. I hope that I can find this person soon.

Everyone it seems is dating (even though that is an illusion)... TV + S, YM + AM, my sister and Nick...

And I'm still alone, single, although I have God but it still hurts that big hole where Adrian left in my heart. That hole that I tried to fill with Andrew, Caleb, Ronson, Mike, Sam, and whoever else came along my way. Right now I'm filling the hole with yet another person: JM. And I'm embarassed to say it but its probably just another phase just like Andrew was a phase, just like Caleb was a phase.

I'm never gonna heal fully from the hurt and scars that Adrian left. Even though I am much more healed than he is but im still not much better off.

I feel like I need more girls day outs and girls nights. I feel like I need God so much more and I feel I need to calm down and apologize to Aaron for telling him to shut up yesterday when I got mad at him from not telling me who he was dating and all the deeper hurts that I felt about the situation...

I'm sorry Aaron. I know you will read this. Thanks for being patient with me cuz I'm still hurting. I hope you understand.

Possibly the most relaxing day of the year

Today, Boxing Day, has been one of the most relaxing days of the year, if not THE most relaxing. No schoolwork or ministry tasks to do. Just slept in, watched a movie with family (TINTIN! AWESOME MOVIE), then went to eat at a nice restaurant with family... then went home, did some reading, cleaned my room, and went out for wings with Sara B. Then came home and caught up on little tasks here and there that had no stress whatsoever. Now listening to Starfield Christian music and updating my blog which I havent done in the longest time!

Notice how instead of complaining or moping or saying something is wrong, today I am thankful and glad that the day went well :)

Thanks God

An Encouragement from my spiritual director Dena

I meet up with Dena every other week and she helps me hear from God. Here is an email she sent me yesterday after I told her about my period problem still not being healed...this is such an encouragement...

---
Good Morning, Martine!

When I read this meditation from Larry Crabb this morning, I thought of our discussion last night. I think it is normal and natural and mentally healthy to want to be well -- and to ask Jesus to make you well. In Joni Eareckson's (and the Apostle Paul's) case, their physical thorn in the flesh became the avenue by which they could attain an even greater (and at the time, buried, desire) than physical health: to know HIM intimately and transformatively. I believe that was Bartimaeus' discovery too. Receiving his sight was great blessing but he received "second sight" perhaps ...who Jesus was, and that following Him, being in His company, was truly the greatest thing for which his soul longed.

I don't want you to be "superspiritual", Martine, or dishonest before the Lord or me or anyone, with your desires. As I said before, it is natural (and healthy) not to want to suffer. There is a great personal cost to bear your physical affliction. But perhaps a possible prayer is ... "Lord, please heal me. But if you don't want to heal me - for whatever reasons - show me how to live with this affliction with overcoming grace, grace that is authentic and that comes to know you deeply. A knowing that satisfies my soul at its deepest level."

Hugs (and a blessed Christmas),Dena

______________________

LARRY CRABB: "We want the blessings of a better life more than we desire to draw near to Jesus. We approach Him the way a child approaches a weary Santa Claus in the mall, who for the hundredth time asks, 'What do you want for Christmas?' I wager no child has ever pressed close to Santa's chest, looked up into his eyes, and said, 'You! I want only You.'"

The Pressure's Off, Page 77

Question for Reflection:What things do you ask for instead of nearness to God?

Tired. Worn-out. Need a vacation.

I looked at the amount of readings I have to do during Christmas break and I'm already kind of dreading it. Why can't I just go to Montreal for a vacation? I hope my mom lets me...

My period problem is being such a stupid problem!!! The birth control pills aren't working!

I'm tired and I want to be healed! Dang it!!!

This is my prayer too

This is the prayer that King Solomon prayed after he built the temple of God in Jerusalem... and this is my prayer too:

May the Lord our God be with us as he was with our ancestors; may he never leave us or abandon us. May he give us the desire to do his will in everything and to obey all the commands, decrees, and regulations that he gave our ancestors. And may these words that I have prayed in the presence of the Lord be before him constantly, day and night, so that the Lord our God may give justice to me and to his people Israel, according to each day’s needs. Then people all over the earth will know that the Lord alone is God and there is no other.

1 Kings 8:57-60

This song

The last time that I posted this song, I posted it as a reflection of my love for Andrew Chao. I felt that I had to move on, and continue on even though he doesn't love me back.

This time, I want to dedicate this song for my grandma, who is heaven with Jesus now. I believe this song was written for letting go of someone who passed away, rather than a guy in Montreal. It seems more fitting.

Here is the song again, with the correct lyrics (the previous time i posted it, the video had some mistakes which made it difficult to understand the lyric meanings, but this time it makes sense)



I know the right kind of love is the love that lets go. see you later Grandma. we will always love you but i guess it's time for me to move on. Love you Grandma.

Dear God,

I really want to talk to you but as I sit here there are almost no words that come out. I don't know where to start. I know you know everything but at the same time you want us to share our hearts with you. Why didn't I cry after grandma's passing? Am I shocked? Am I holding it all in? Or did I already cry enough before her passing that now it's like I don't need to cry anymore?

I think I'm dealing with it in a very strange way. I am sleeping way too much. All I want to do is sleep or be distracted with things. Also part of me wants to call Adrian and tell him everything. But the smart part of me is telling me no. Adrian did say I could call him if I ever wanted to talk, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

I really hope all my friends and family can go to heaven after they die.

God, forgive me for not talking with you or reading the bible much during all of last week. I guess I was kind of in shock. I know you want us to turn to you though, in difficult times especially. I did talk with you but only sporadically. It was my sister who was turning more to the Bible and my friend Gloria who encouraged me to read Scriptures for comfort. Why didn't I even think of that?

I know why I want to call Adrian. Because in the past he was there to comfort me and part of me wishes that he could do the same now. But I'm just afraid that if I call him it's not going to be as good as I think it will be.

I do have good support network with church and other friends. I'm thankful for that. I know Gloria found it strange that I wasn't sad or crying after what happened with Grandma. She actually cried for me, cried even more than I did. She says I'm strong but I'm not really sure about that. Sometimes it is the weak who are really the strong ones. And the strong ones who are actually weak.

I'm having trouble getting back in the groove of studying and doing research. I know Grandma would want me to study hard but... it's hard. But I'm gonna try to finish reading a book today. I'm going to do that, and get back in the groove of reading the Bible again. I can't stay in a rut forever. Grandma wouldn't want me to do that anyways.

Thanks for being patient with me God. Please comfort everybody in my family. Please comfort Yee ma, Uncle Bob, Angela, Jennifer, my mom, my dad, my sister, grandpa, biu yee ma, and anybody else who knew Grandma.

Thanks God

Love,
Martine

I know i havent updated in a long time. This has been a peaceful week yet weird week. My grandma is going to heaven soon. I've been thinking about Adrian more than usual. I have been very close to God. I would write more except I'm going to see my grandma for possibly the very last time tomorrow morning and i should be going to sleep soon. Or try to.

after crying so much i finally am starting to feel calmer

4 hours of sleep and a French Vanilla

Yup, that's what happened. I'm trying to study now. Not really working, kind of distracted by internet and my own thoughts and distractions...

but yeah, God will get me through this, just gotta have faith. Must finish a thick book by Tuesday, otherwise, fail my group discussion project...

There must be a reason for all this

It's 3:24am. I was so stressed lying on my bed trying to sleep. I was trying not to worry but my thoughts were racing and just thinking and re-thinking everything that happened today. You know you are stressed when kids fellowship is over and you're still thinking about the badminton net not being put away (which we did put away).

but there is a reason why I was not able to sleep. Since I couldn't sleep, I went online to check my email. turns out AF facebook messaged me and told me his health is extremely bad. Worse than a 50year old's health and he's only a few years older than me. This guy used to be part of Men's Group but he lost faith in God and moved to Stouffville where he has no friends.

He still trusted me enough to share everything that's been going on. he is scared of what's happening to his health. I pray that I can help him and I pray that he can get better. Sounds horrible.

There must be a reason for all this. Why my grandma is in the hospital. Why I am once again getting my stupid period back even after taking the chinese medicine.

There must be a reason why I got bipolar and never got healed. There must be a reason why I broke up with Adrian. There must be.

I trust in God's almighty plan...

Oh and by the way, Andrew Chao has been talking to me a whole lot more now. :) sigh yeah i still like him, despite all the jerk things he did to me. Call me stupid but I still think he's worth waiting on, if he happens to be the one for me...

Andrew is a jerk, and my life is screwed up

I don't feel like doing my readings right now. And I don't feel like editing essays either. My grandma just went to the hospital and there is barely any news about how she is really doing. I'm confused about what my mom said and she can't call with her cell phone, it's like a basement hospital emergency area.

I'm just gonna listen to Taylor Swift songs. I don't know. I might end up failing next Tuesday's assignment but at this point I just want to feel alright.

And Andrew is a jerk. Don't feel like explaining why but basically he is such a jerk. he doesn't know how to communicate with girls and he doesn't know how to make people feel better when they are down, instead he makes them feel worse. I thought he was better than that.

Maybe I will feel better and then do my readings...

im crazier...

Forgive them, God, for they don't know what they're doing

People I am mad at and need to forgive:

my mom-- Mom, I feel like you control many parts of my life. I don't have the freedom to call my friends when I am sad. I don't have privacy. I don't have the chance to learn to drive. I don't have.. etc etc. But you don't know what you're doing to me. So in the name of Jesus I forgive you.

A-- my best friend. I have never gotten mad at you before and tonight was the first time. You pissed me off because I told you not to call that girl so much and you just decided to call her in the middle of the night talking about stuff that I pretty much talked to her about in the past and that you said you talked about last Friday to her as well. What's the point? You are just trying to cover up the fact that you want to get close to her with the pretense of saying spiritual things. That's what I feel. And I feel jealous because I'm sure one day you and her will have a great relationship while I"m sitting around waiting for Matthew to show up, with in the meantime, Andrew Chao being a jerk to me. But you don't know what you are doing, so God I ask you to forgive my friend A.

AC-- ok fine it's Andrew Chao. Andrew, you are a jerk. At the very least you could have offered to pray for my grandma. Don't you have empathy? You told me to think about it tomorrow. Is it really that easy for you to forget about your friends and family? If no, then why or how do you expect me to just forget about it and go to sleep? You didn't even offer to pray for me. You jerk! You have no idea what you are doing. So God I ask that you forgive Andrew.

K-- ho sum zhok lui paik. That's what you did to me when I texted you to come to lifegroup. You beat around the bush then you say im bothering you. Dude, I was just trying to be nice. I said everything with the best of intentions and you just turned around and decided to stab me in the back. Great! Fine, I won't invite you to lifegroup anymore. but you didn't know what you were doing, so God I pray that you forgive K.

Things that remind me of Adrian

-Karl's japanese music
-ultrasound
-anything to do with sex
-the CDs he gave me
-the CD player his mom gave me
-the laptop his mom gave me
-Jim Brickman
-just anything that we ever shared or did together

Karl talked to me today about my scars from Adrian and he asked me if I healed. I told him they will get healed when I get to heaven. i don't think I can fully heal in this lifetime. I never told Karl or Miya what really happened. I don't think they read this blog, so it doesn't really matter. I didnt' tell Jenny either. I know these three might be shocked to hear what happened. Especially Karl and Jenny.

Anyways, I'm up this late because I have a lot of energy. It's a good thing. i did some readings and I'm looking forward to seeing Kyler and Thuy on Wed. at UTSC. I feel confident now that I can manage my readings.

God is good! I'm slowly healing in terms of the period problem, with the help of herbal medicine. I'm also doing very well in my studies in terms of assignments. I also am getting enough rest in general and enjoying children's ministry again. :) I'm glad they liked the Team time game I organized on Sunday.

I am also looking into going to Montreal for one week next summer. Originally I wanted to go during Christmas break but there were some thing that came up, such as my cousin possibly coming from Hong Kong to visit, my mom wanting me to help her, saving money, etc.

But next summer I can go to Montreal because I want to explore what career opportunities are available for me in the future. I am gonna go as a short term missionary with Serving In Mission Canada. Well at least if everything works out. So it won't be much of a vacation but more of a learning and serving trip. I wonder what I will be doing.

Another thing is that I am very interested in going to France. Although I dont think it will happen this upcoming summer cuz I am only allowed one week vacation away from my job at the church. But yeah I hope to go to France one day... maybe with Thuy??? :)

haha, yeah. The only thing worrying me these days is Arabic Church. I need to find another leader to replace me. either that or that my mom changes her mind and lets me stay there to serve the youth. I really love those youth and would hate to see them without a bible study leader since they love the bible studies so much and are benefiting from the fellowship.

awesome Christian band and songs :)

you guys should check out this band that i heard about from Peggy! cuz almost every song of theirs is REALLY GOOD AND INSPIRING!!

Revelations from God!!! (after a Spiritual direction session with Dena)

Dear God,

Wow again. Praise your holy and precious name, thank you Father for revealing so many things to me today. God thank you for showing me through the paintings on the wall your message. Well actually it was one particular one, the one with the tall tree that’s growing on a rock island. It was definitely cool to hear from you that even though around me it is dry, I can still flourish because YOU are the Rock. And I am firmly planted in you, even though it seems like a dry time in my life sometimes.


Psalm 18:31

For who is God except the LORD? Who but our God is a solid rock?


Another painting had tall strong trees and it said 1 Peter 5:10 which says:


In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you and he will place you on a firm foundation.


Hey God! That actually relates to the Rock verse! cuz ur a strong foundation


Dena shared with me also how Psalm 23 when it says the valley of the shadow of death, it might not be physical death, but death of dreams, desires, hopes, expectations or other things. I thought that was profound because you brought me through the death of my desire and expectation for Andrew.


Thank you Lord for revealing all this to me.


Psalm 23 also speaks about how you anoint my head with oil and I had a literal experience of that today when Dena prayed over me with myrrh on my forehead. Myrrh is supposed to be embalming oil, an oil that represents suffering. I wonder what that would mean really for me then. What does it signify? That something from suffering can be part of a healing process????


Or maybe, that it is your sacrifice on the cross that brings me healing???

Or that you know all my sufferings and anoint my head? or that i die to my self and get life back from You???


many meanings...


Dena also led me through what is called Gospel Contemplation. The first exercise was to listen to the story of Jesus welcoming the little children and imagining myself as a Movie Director and observing the scene and what people are doing.


Then the 2nd time she asked me to place myself in one of the character’s shoes. I chose the child, thinking about children’s ministry.


And when I was imagining myself as the child, I imagined myself on Jesus’ lap being blessed by him at the age of 10. Wow. That’s around the time that I became Christian! And I have never been blessed like that before by my parents or grandparents. So it was special. I should bless the kids at children’s ministry. Really.


Dena also had me listen to a song from the Taize community in France. They sang the song “O Lord, hear my prayer, O Lord hear my prayer. When I call, answer me. O Lord hear my prayer, O Lord hear my prayer, come and listen to me”. It’s amazing God how you speak through songs Lord. Healing is in your hands and I just have to keep asking.


And sometimes we lose faith and its ok to say “Lord help my unbelief”. You will not condemn us for not having enough faith. Faith is not by works. We cannot “try harder” and “gain faith”... it’s not like God depends on our faith in order to heal us. God can heal us through the faith of others praying for us as well. I never thought of it that way. Thank you God for revealing this to me.

very productive day

im feeling much better and today i did a lot of useful things. :) just wanted to update you Thuy cuz i know you read this and you might be worried about my depression. thanks for caring from afar. wish we could meet up soon. I can't go back to UTSC because of this guy stalker so im sorry i cant visit you there. :( but i look forward to meeting you maybe in November... i'll be at my sister's awards ceremony. So we can meet up before the ceremony starts, and you can protect me from the stalker. :) haha. Love you Thuy and miss you so much. HUGS

Not mad anymore

Yeah looking back at my last post I was mad back then. I felt like people didn't understand. But really when they give me advice it's because they care about me so I'm thankful for that. I'm feeling better now. Still the same situation but less depressed and not angry. Yeah.

Dear God

I've been sad and depressed lately. I can't pinpoint the exact reason why but I am just under a lot of stress. And if anyone tells me "you need to drop something" or "you are doing too much" I just want to punch them in the head cuz I've been hearing that for the past couple years and seriously no one understands. I can't just leave Arabic church and I can't just quit my job. Everything is part of a contract and a commitment.

I've already said no to certain things and dropped certain things. There is basically nothing else I can drop other than my courses which are important and my hanging out with friends.

People just don't understand. If they want me to be less burdened, why don't they pray for me or volunteer to help me instead of giving me stupid advice?

This whole thing with Winthrop also makes me feel sad. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. It's just sad what he thinks of me and sad that he doesnt want to talk to me anymore after the Canada goose jacket incident. But maybe it's better that way?

And recently since I've been sad and depressed, i started thinking about Andrew again. The feelings aren't strong but somehow I wish he would talk to me more again.

Aaron is getting burnt out. God please save him. I don't want to see my friend burnt out. I don't want to see myself burnt out either. I definitely need a vacation in December during Christmas break.

Thank you God that I didn't crush Fuzzy the guinea pig with my chair. I almost did, just now. I am really not paying attention. God save me!!!

Martine

Deep trouble and waste of time

Other than going to my friend's birthday dinner today, my whole day was depressing and a waste of time. I am in deep trouble for inviting this dude named Winthrop to Arabic Church. Why did I trust him in the first place? I should have been more careful. Turns out he is creepy and now I exposed him to my youth and I don't know what the heck could happen.

I wasted my time today going to Tyndale for the mental health workshop. I knew practically everything they said in the workshop anyway.

I'm upset with myself and feeling guilty for getting involved with Winthrop. I wish I was smarter than this.

Feeling extremely bad

Not for myself, but for my friend. Well, also about myself too. I just found out the reason why my friend never mentioned his dad. Because his dad passed away when he was 17 from a heart attack, and he was in his room at the time, he heard a noise as his dad fell down in the bathroom but he didn't leave his room to check what was going on. I feel really bad for this. Even though it's not my fault but yeah.

And I'm crying right now cuz I feel so guilty cuz I was trying to critique his resume and I didn't make it sound graceful and my mom said stop making him feel bad cuz he already feels bad enough about his dad passing away. I feel like such a mean person. I'm so bad. And I don't know how I can cheer up for Elisa's birthday tonight.

Closer.

I love this song. It is kind of sad but I actually really like it. No special meaning. It's not about Andrew or anything. I just like it.

I'm glad that I have been thinking about Andrew less often. I am too stressed about other things anyway. There is so much work to do at church, I was at church 12 hours straight on Friday and then Sat. had two meetings and then Amplify youth group.

Sunday, kids again, thank God Uncle Howard was the teacher and not me, I just had to lead worship and team time.

SIGH. I was so tired I took a nap at Aaron's house after prayer meeting after lunch.

but i am happy and good and you dont have to worry about me. I just need a lot of time to work on the Halloween Hallelujah carnival this week... Lots to do and lots to buy and prepare.

YIKES!!!!

barely slept and woke up with tremendous ideas and energy. i just finished writing up the Saturday Night youth group Bible study in a very short time. Praise and glory be to God!!

I'm not gonna call it Arabic Church anymore cuz there are two filipino youth who joined. From now on I'm gona call it by the youth group name, Amplify. So Amplify = Arabic church youth group Sat. nights.

YESSSSSS

I am still awake at 4:22am. did not sleep at all. really excited. happy and not sure why i am like this. but it is a good feeling. i feel like i can be very productive. and no it is not mania.

but i know i will crash and possibly fall asleep during class prayer time tomorrow. i have class at 1pm and not sure how i will survive.

but i am happy and i just want to praise God for that. the important thing is that i am clear minded and happy.

I never got over this, did I?

Dear God,

My heart is very troubled right now. I just met up with Winthrop the Miracle Tutoring Centre boss guy who recently re-found my email and contacted me. He is a wonderful Christian guy, very gentle, generous, happy, humble, non-materialistic. Whatever. And no I do not have a crush on him cuz he is 36 years old.

But God when he first wanted to meet up with him I was very excited, then later this excitement turned to fear. What if Winthrop fell in love with me? What if he was like Roscoe, wanting to get in contact with me so that he could date me? What if I fall in love with him? I was so scared. Last time I met up with a semi-old guy (30s-40s years old) alone, it did NOT turn out well.

The last time I think it was with Sumair. He questioned me about my beliefs on homosexuality and said that I was wrong. He used the Bible to try and change my mind. But I stood firm on my ground. And he also said stuff that eventually made me cry. I was crying and Sumair didnt even stop to comfort me, he kept right on preaching as if my tears didnt matter. I didnt talk to him for a while after that incident but I saw him a few Sundays ago at Tyndale. I think I forgave him but the feeling still lingers.

With Roscoe it was a horrible relationship. I never should have dated him. It was out of fear basically that I started falling in love with Roscoe. I was obsessed, angry, depressed, unstable. I held on to him as if my life depended on it. But really what happened was that he sexually assaulted me in a way. But I let him.

That's what I was afraid of. That Winthrop would turn out like Roscoe. I was afraid that if Winthrop drove me that he would do something to me in the car. I was so tense in the car when Winthrop drove me home and he noticed it. I told him I used to date a sexual offender and thats why.

I never got over it, did I? I am always scarred by sexual harassment and assault. I had three instances of sexual harassment/assault and I also lost my virginity. So much crapload of past history related to sexual crap.

God please heal me. Please help me to be careful but also trust in You. Help me to be healed from this hurt that Roscoe and Adrian has caused to me. Please heal me from the hurt that FA and Viktor Melnik did to me. Help me not to be afraid.

God, it's not fair that I get this crap. But I know you protected me from further danger. Thanks for doing that. It's not easy for me to share this.

Winthrop asked me why I broke up with Adrian. I could not tell him. It was way too personal. Not even Aaron knows why I broke up with Adrian. I don't think I ever told Aaron or Caleb, even though they are like my best friends at church. I just couldn't tell them.

But I told Catherine. A girl I barely know and that I don't even trust. I told her exactly why I broke up with Adrian because I thought it might help her in her situation. I wonder if I did the right thing. Cuz who knows, what if she spreads the rumour to other people?

Iven knows (very little though) about why I broke up with Adrian. And I think I told Peggy, Jen, and Ying only. I didn't tell everyone else cuz I knew they would be shocked as much as Jen was shocked... or even more shocked then Jen was. I don't want them to go through that. I told Michelle Wong. I didn't tell Mike.

Sometimes I don't even remember who I told. I think I told Imelda and Danielle... I definitely told Pastor Tim. And Pastor Ray. I didn't tell Pastor Victor... or did I? I don't remember.

I told Sam Sham. I told a lot of ppl, now that I think of it. People that I thought would be able to take it and people who cared and were able to comfort me. I'm not saying that Aaron and Caleb don't care... but I'm just saying cuz maybe they wont be able to comfort me.

Whatever. I just want to start fresh now, God. I want to be clean and healed. I want to be whole. I want to just focus on school and ministry and obviously you and be a light in this world.

God please correct all my past and make me new again.

1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)

This gives me a different perspective on loving Andrew and loving others in general. Time to evaluate myself and see how much I really love.

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

Satisfied

I'm satisfied, satisfied...
Lord, I'm satisfied with You
Satisfied, I'm satisfied
But Lord are You satisfied with me?

-from a song I heard at a Christian concert once... was never able to find the song again

----
Today was a very satisfying day. Well, I can't take too long to type here because it's past midnight and I have to leave my house at 9am tomorrow...

But everyone wants to hear about Andrew right??? (Or not... haha you guys are probably SO SICK OF THIS by now!!!)

I decided to add Andrew back on skype, msn, and facebook. I just felt like for Thanksgiving I should be thankful for a friend like him and not be so mean to him and block him out of everything. It took me some courage to add him back but I did. I need to keep on saying to myself "God's will be done" and stay neutral about things. But all in all, I think I can be satisfied without Andrew as a future spouse.

There are lots of things I am happy about today and I don't have time to name it all. But life is so much more than Andrew Chao and I gotta be thankful for what I have.

Update you more later!!! When I have time... it's gonna be a busy rest of the month! ARGH!

Matthew 6:33 (from the Bible)

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

(continuing to verse 34...)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

---

Maybe that's what "Matthew" meant. These two verses. My counselor told me it is best to stay neutral about the whole Andrew thing, and just say " May God's will be done". I should not say that there is NO chance with Andrew, and I should not say that "Andrew is the one for me" either. Stay neutral.

And yeah, seek first the kingdom of God... focus on God's will first. I'm still young, right? If Andrew doesn't love me, it's okay. God knows best. This really is a test in whether I will trust God or not with my future.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend. I realized that I didn't visit my grandma for months. How easy it is to get caught up with all kinds of stuff and forget about family. I need to refocus my life again. Make sure I make family a priority. And also, be thankful for all the people in my life.

I still need time away from Andrew. If I saw him today I don't know if I could even smile at him or look him in the eye. I need more time. And I'm sure he will understand. Or at least, I hope he will.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Remember how fortunate we are!! I'm so glad and thankful that I have YOU in my life! God is good!

Tears coming again

I learned from the whole Adrian break-up that I shouldn't shove my feelings away and just carry on with work. Yet that is pretty much what I've been doing this weekend. I did cry it all out on Saturday, but today I feel like crying again but I am shoving it underneath because I want to do my work...

But I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm just gonna write it all out here, no holding back. I'm gonna let myself cry. It's not really called dwelling on the past. It's called letting it out.

--
Dear Andrew,

I know that in the perspective of eternity, it doesn't really matter whether we are together or not. I know that in this world there are people going through worse things than me, such as child prostitution, sicknesses, divorce, and all that horrible stuff. Yet I cannot deny the hurt I feel having to let you go.

I put all this hope that maybe you would be the one for me. I was brave enough to tell you my feelings. I waited. I prayed. I cried. All this energy and hope and it seems like it has ended now.

I can't help but want to keep holding on. Hold on to some dream that maybe one day you would love me back. But part of me is saying, "get real martine, you gotta let him go". Letting go is so hard. I wanted to get to know you and I had all this expectation.

I know I shouldn't have had any expectation, but I ended up having it anyway. I know that you won't even consider me because I've only seen you like 6 times in real life, yet at the same time I feel like I had poured my heart out to you and I received basically nothing in return.

I don't know how I can ever see you again without feeling disappointment. can I even call you my friend anymore? How can I be your friend? I don't think you even consider me as anything important. I'm just another girl. Right?

I don't know how i'm gonna get through all my homework when you are always on my mind. I want to just give it to God and forget about it but it's not really easy at all. I keep wanting to hold on. Why am I like this? Why can't I just move on?

You were like my "dream guy". I shared with you my life, my story, my deepest hurts. And just when I thought you were starting to open up to me, this happened. And now I've basically blocked you out of my life hoping that I will get over you.

I know it's mean, blocking you out of my life. I'm not sure if I need that though. I feel so insecure, feeling like what you think of me actually matters. I had tears to cry earlier, but right now they are not coming out. All I want to do is lie on my bed and cry and feel sorry for myself.

What kind of trouble did I cause for you? I made Lillian slap you. I made Cindy and Peggy think you are a jerk. All this due to a text message misunderstanding. But yet the misunderstanding opened up my eyes to see that really I was waiting for nothing. You will never love me back.

I want to just go on some vacation overseas right now with Thuy. It's what we said we would do if the person we wished for didn't end up to be the one for us. But when will I ever get to go on an overseas trip? So many responsibilities here and I don't know how I can leave. The most I can do is go to Montreal during Christmas break and visit my friends. But you're gonna be there too, so how am I going to handle that?

There is a lot of brokenness going on around me. People I should be taking care of. How do I take care of myself? I wish you were there to take care of me, Andrew. I wish you were the one to hold my hand.

The tears are finally starting to come. I'm going to write until they do. No wonder you close yourself up like you do. You are trying to guard your heart and protect your heart. How can I be so stupid? Why didn't I do what you did?

I pour myself out to people again and again. I share my deepest struggles and all my love to guys, thinking that I will marry them. And every time I get hurt. Every time they leave me. I'm never going to send you this letter. It really isn't your place to comfort me or read this.

The tears aren't coming anymore. I don't know how long this is going to take...

I miss you Andrew. I wish you knew how much I loved you. And I so wish that you had loved me back.

Pouring my mind and heart out right now

Today I went to a ministry fair with workshops at Tyndale. It was really good. One of the speakers said that journaling is very important. I forgot why. But that's why i'm here again. To pour my heart and mind out even if it doesn't make much sense.

Well I'll start with the easy stuff first. The ministry fair was really informative. I got connected with an organization called SIM (Serving In Mission) that had missionaries serving in Montreal. So I want to contact them and see what they do there. One of the other speakers also mentioned that you should learn as much as you can about where you're going. So one of these days I plan to borrow some videos and books about Montreal and Quebec in general.

I also got reminded that one of my dreams is to go on missions to China and Africa. I still haven't reached that dream yet but I got some brochures from organizations that serve in those areas.

Okay now for the hard stuff. Andrew. You are all probably wondering what the heck happened with that. So there was a big misunderstanding between me and Andrew that resulted in me crying my head off yesterday and feeling totally drained and empty afterwards.

The misunderstanding was this: I texted him and asked him if he prayed about me and he said "I didn't pray about relationship". Which made me think that Andrew didn't care and didn't even pray about things like he said he would. At first I wasn't upset but on Saturday I burst. (the texting happened on Thursday)

So I cried and I told Andrew "thanks for making me cry" and "I'm missing my friend's wedding today" (by the way I didn't end up missing it, I tried to cheer up and I went to the wedding) Those texts were mainly to make Andrew know how much of an effect he had on me. And i emailed him saying "promise me this that next time you say you'll pray for a girl, you will actually pray for her or you would at least say sorry you forgot to pray"

He emailed me back later Saturday evening to say that he felt as if I was trying to get him to pray that God would change his heart and make him like me. He said he prayed about what God wants him to do about the situation and that he didn't feel God leading him into any relationship at the moment. And that he didn't know me well enough to even think about liking me.

Fair enough. Why didn't he tell me all this earlier? I just freakin wasted all that crying for practically nothing. Too late, Andrew, I'm already hurt and drained from the misunderstanding. I thought you didn't pray about anything at all. I thought you didn't care.

So I emailed Andrew back saying "no, that is so wrong. I didn't want you to pray to make yourself like me, I wanted you to pray to seek God's will"

Andrew also had said "I don't understand what you are waiting for, even after I told you God wasn't leading me into any relationship" Well Andrew, you didn't actually tell me that, you told me that "God didn't tell me anything" thats' why I was still waiting on you, you *******!!!!

Yeah. I censored that...cuz I actually thought a word but I don't want to say it out.

Anyways, I told Andrew that I needed some time away from him, before I talk to him again, to heal from this misunderstanding. It's true that maybe all along I was hoping that he would start liking me, but it's not true that I wanted him to pray that God would change his heart and like me.

This whole situation is pretty messed up right now. And I prayed to God asking Him what should I do. I had thought that God wanted me to wait for Andrew and clearly I was wrong. This whole misunderstanding tells me that I am not supposed to wait for Andrew. Part of me wants to stay friends with Andrew but right now I am not ready. I told him if he ever has prayer request he could still contact me, though.

I bet you anything he is still confused by me right now.

But it's ok. I will be ok.

But should I unblock Andrew? I feel so mean blocking him from everything right now. But on the other hand I kind of want to block him... Ah, so torn.

btw this video really inspired me and lifted me up when I was down yesterday. It just reminded me that God will take care of me just like he takes care of the animals...



You know what's gonna end up happening? I think I'm probably gonna still be waiting for Andrew to like me back, even though my mind says I shouldn't. I'm gonna always be waiting for him until I either find Matthew or he finds another girl. I don't give up this easily. I still want to wait for him. But it's ok I just won't tell him that I'm waiting for him.

Everyone keeps saying I'll find someone better than him. I guess my heart is just not ready to accept that as an answer yet.

Poem of broken hearts

My heart is broken.
But it will repair.
I just don't want to see him ever again.
My heart is sad.
But it will be glad
Because I have a Saviour who loves me.
My heart is crushed.
But I will rise again.
I just want to stay in the presence of friends.
God is good
better than me
better than any guy out there I see
I will love again
but this time I'll be careful
I won't love so fast so deep
I will protect my heart
because my heart is precious
and it is not mine
it is God's heart,
that He lent to me
I will be brave
and continue on
I will try again
when I find the real person
that God wants me to find.
We can't go back on rewind
but we can go forward
Love that lasts
can only be found
in God.
And God loves you and me.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi (let's make it our prayer too)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Perhaps the original publication of the prayer was submitted anonymously to the French publication La Clochette in 1912.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.

Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie.

(TAKEN FROM WIKIPEDIA)

I LOVE THIS SONG (so much i sang it all morning)

I MUST RESIST ADDING ANDREW BACK ON FACEBOOK!!!! IT IS JUST GOING TO MAKE MORE MORE OBSESSED AND WASTE TIME CHECKING HIS PAGE! MUST RESIST!!!!

I love these lyrics

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Let this be our prayer

Short update

I have to get started on an assignment and get some work done, so I don't really have much time to update you. So here is a short summary...

-I went home yesterday hoping to watch KungFu Panda with my sister but turns out she was with her boyfriend and my mom wanted to tell me some latest gossip about people's divorce. Quite depressing.

-I ended up listening to Celine Dion and praying to God out loud (I didn't care if people thought I was talking to myself, I just wanted to have a conversation with God)

-I started crying like mad to God and asking Him "why" I wasn't healed, and I realized that it's okay to ask "why" sometimes because Jesus also asked the same thing. It's not that I blame God, just that I wanted to express that feeling.

-I got pretty depressed and when my sister came home she chatted with me about it

-Even though I blocked Andrew the day before, I had memorized his phone number so I texted him and told him what was going on in terms of how I felt spiritually attacked. He seemed pretty clueless, didn't know what a spiritual attack was. I didn't tell him anything about why I blocked him. I doubt he even noticed...

-The thing is when I'm depressed about one thing, it carries through to being depressed about Andrew

-Eventually after praying, God gave me the Bible verse Psalm 34:18 which says:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-That verse spoke to me alot and I also asked God what I should do about Andrew and I felt God saying I should wait for him.

Now whether I am wrong or right about this, we'll have to see...

-Today I felt much better and I went to Tyndale for chapel worship service and it was really good. Heard some encouraging songs and an encouraging message. I still felt nervous and uptight about being in the new school environment but class went well and I met some new people at the Chinese Community Life club after class.

-funny thing was that I met a brother in Christ at the Chinese Community Life club who wanted to serve in Quebec too. Hard to find a Chinese person who speaks French and who wants to serve in Quebec. But No, his name is not Matthew, it's Pierre. And he's way too old for me so no I'm not thinking of marrying him. I still love Andrew.

So yeah that's my update.

Goodbye for reals, Andrew

Yup, that's right. I deleted Andrew from my phone contact, deleted him off of skype, msn, and blocked him on facebook. No more Andrew. I'm gonna find someone better than him. Thanks for being there Andrew, but I don't need you in my life anymore. It's causing me more pain than joy and I can't afford to keep being depressed about you anymore.

I'm so pissed at how overbearing my mom is. And she's a liar too... but at the same time, I love her... and this song makes me think of her...

Way too busy for my own good

Today I told Notabilia that I can't tutor for them anymore. They said they needed two weeks notice so I'm still stuck there for possibly two more Saturdays. I'm just exhausted this week. I took a 3 hour nap today and was still a bit tired after.

I feel out of touch with cell group people. I've been spending time with people from my church and non Christians, but its been ages since I spent time with cell group ppl. And there's still other ppl that I still need to meet up with (sara, muneeba, nate, etc) and theres barely any time to study.

I don't know how it came to this, but I'm back to being unable to say no. I'm like signing up for two things for every one thing that I drop.

God help me! I have basically no time for hobbies anymore. How sad!

On the bright side, children's ministry and stuff with Andrew has been going well. I've been talking to him more and I feel like he really cares about me. :)

I'm doing ok

Hey everyone, sorry if I worried you. I'm doing ok now, although the situation around me is still messed up. This week has been emotionally exhausting but I got some quiet time today at church so I'm doing ok. I was practicing the song "Hallelujah (your love is amazing)" and this line from the lyrics caught my attention:

"When I am surrounded, your love carries me".

When we are surrounded by problems, let God's love carry you. As cheesy as it sounds, it's true that God wants to carry you through your problems. Instead of struggling in the rapid waters, let the ultimate God carry you.

Thanks for all your support. I will survive.

When I feel so small...

I am afraid that my depression is coming back. I cry so easily now. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel sad. It comes and goes. But thank God, I have a lot of friends praying and caring over me.

Quote and Song :)

Quand le vol de la tempête, vient assombrir ton ciel bleu, au lieu de baisser la tête, compte les bienfaits de Dieu.

--taken from my friend Nathanael's facebook post.

(Translation: When the force of the storm, comes to darken your blue sky, instead of dropping your head down, count God's blessings.)



Ephesians 6:11-13

New Living Translation (NLT)

11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.

:) been listening to a lot of Backstreet these days

This song describes me and Andrew right now "when the one you love doesn't love you". I spoke to him last night through texting... nothing really has changed on his end. No voice from God or anything speaking to him. But I'm holding on to one last string of hope. He says he wants to ask me a question about him, the next time we talk.

Rely on God's strength

Hey all. I am going through a super busy weekend and the action is not even stopping for a minute. Right after my Niagara Falls trip with family, I had a children's fellowship meeting and a lifegroup meeting with Aaron, then Friday had a meeting with pastor Lee, then Mandarin kids fellowship. Sat. morning I had tutoring (which went surprisingly well, thank God, cuz I got bad reports about this kid but he was actually very well-behaved with me, thank God). Then I had Sat. children's fellowship and Arabic Church. This morning I was preaching at Grace for the kids, then helped out with preparation for a church press conference. Like I said, non-stop action. Tomorrow is the press conference, and after that I am gonna go shopping. Then Tues. is first day of school. PHEW!

I told myself this weekend that seriously, this is way too much work to be done by human power. I had to rely on God's strength. And Praise God, everything went Super well taken in consideration all the crunch time I had to prepare. I felt as if my sermons were last minute, as if my lessons were put together with super little time. But the kids really enjoyed it and things well pretty smoothly, more smoothly than expected. God spoke through me to the kids/teens and I am very thankful.

So lesson learned. Surrender all to Jesus :)

Thanks God

It's pretty late, my eyes are tired and I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow to prepare for tutoring (wish I didn't sign up for that, considering dropping it) but I just wanted to say that despite sometimes almost getting depressed here and there, I am doing great. Thanks to God, today's children's fellowship went super well. I have a lot of work to accomplish over the next few days, but I am confident that with God's power in me and His strength and wisdom, I can finish everything on time and do it relatively well.

But I still think next week I should organize my schedule better.

Update you more later! Hope you chat with all of you reading this sometime soon when I get used to my new school schedule and job.

This Bible passage really helps me right now

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

----

Dear God,

Although my life right now is not tragic or in crisis, there is still a lot of mess going on. My self-esteem is kind of shot, and there are issues going on that I don't know how to solve, or that I cannot handle on my own. There is also a lot of work to do.

I'm sorry that I've been neglecting reading the Bible regularly. I guess part of me is lazy and part of me just doesn't feel like it. But I know I should. I will get back on it tonight.

Saying goodbye to Andrew is not easy. I try to see it as if it is, but it's not. And the whole situation with my sister dating my friend doesn't help.

But I know there are bigger issues than this, and I need to get out of this rut and move on. Being a pastor is like this I guess, you get to see many issues going on around you and you try to be there for everyone but ultimately it all comes back down to trusting You God for the solution. And sometimes you gotta deny yourself and just carry the cross.

I can't just be selfish and dwell in my own self-pity, I gotta look up and move on and stop wasting time thinking about things that don't really matter in the long run. Who cares if I don't marry Andrew? Is it like a matter of life and death? Is it gonna be detrimental to anybody? No. I'm not saying I should ignore my feelings but at the same time I cannot dwell on it because that's no help either.

I should just acknowledge that my feelings exist, then give it up to You God because there's nothing else I can do about it.

Hopeful

Hey everyone,

Sorry if I worried you in any way over the past week. I was going through a rough time and thoughts might have been very confusing. But thank God now I'm doing a lot better, and I am very hopeful for the future.

I have come to accept that if Andrew is just a friend, it's going to be more than just fine. He is a great friend and I can learn a lot from him. At the same time, part of me still wishes I could be with him in the future, but I have also come to accept that maybe there is a "Matthew" out there I should be looking out for. Someone who perhaps takes more initiative and loves me back.

Anyways, it's getting late and tomorrow I am doing some volunteering. So I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for being such great friends, and God bless.

Martine

A beautiful song about God's love

What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like?
What does love look like? is the question Ive been asking of You
Once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss, but love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections to sit here at Your feet and tell me
What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like? If all of life comes down to love then tell me
What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like?

Then I sat down a little frustrated and confused
Your fire of life comes down to love. And love has to be more than sentiment,
More than selfishness and selfish gain

Then I saw Him there
Hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there
Hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, heart exposed
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding.
Arms wide open, heart exposed
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding
Loves definition
Loves definition, was looking at me
Looking at Him. Hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep
This is how I know what love is.

And as I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes
Full of desire and love. And He said to me
You shall love Me..You shall love Me.
With arms wide open, heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding
You shall love Me.. You shall love Me..


If anybodys looking for love in all the wrong places
If youve been searching for love, come to Me. Come to me.
Take up your cross. Deny yourself.
Forget your fathers house and run. Run with Me.
Cause you were made for abandon your heart and listen
Cause you were made for Someone greater, Someone bigger, so follow Me.
And youll come alive when you learn to die.
And He said to me

You shall love Me. You shall love Me

With arms wide open, heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding
-----------------------

And here are some inspiring quotes that helped me today:

"I choose gentleness... Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. "
— Max Lucado

"Feed your fears and your faith will starve. Feed your faith, and your fears will."
— Max Lucado (Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear)

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Max Lucado

Goodbye Andrew

Just got off facebook chat with Andrew.

(after me talking about how I had a stressful day, and how part of the reason is not explainable because it's about HIM)

Me: I don't know if I should even be asking you this, but am I just another girl to you?
Andrew: What do you mean, just another girl, there are lots of girls in this world, lol
Me: Yeah. I'm nothing special right? I'm just another girl. There are lots of girls in this world. There might be other girls who like you. So I'm just another girl, I'm nothing special.
Like I know God thinks I'm special. But I'm not sure if for you I'm anything special. If you don't see me as anything more than a friend, it's okay.

(long pause)

Andrew: well I don't think a friend is "just another girl". But yeah I don't see you as more than a friend at this moment. And I don't think any other girls like me right now.
Me: oh ok. well thanks for letting me know. I need to read the Bible right now. Good night (that's me trying to escape)
Andrew: hmm... ok. Good night.

-----------------------------------



Ok so this song is not exactly the situation, but I really like the lyrics and it's a nice song :P

What a stressful day.

Today was my last day of tutoring with Adelaide (gr. 10 French) at Notabilia. That was not the stressful part. The stressful part came after. SOMEBODY (not any of you reading this, don't worry) changed plans last minute and because of that, I got stressed out and even started crying. Usually I am quite patient with things like this but this time I broke.

I think that actually it wasn't the person's fault for making me cry. I was already subconsciously stressed out about the whole Andrew thing and also stressed out about what perspective I should take about the gift of healing (yesterday somebody else told me about how you can heal someone just by praying and lots of other stuff that totally mind-boggled me). I was also stressed out because my mom is treating me like a kid and giving me double standard in the way she allows my sister to do stuff but not me.

It's hard for me to tell you guys this over the phone because people are around and I don't want them to hear. That's why I just spill it out on this blog.

I've been going through a hard time today. It was supposed to be a fun day with Jenny and church friends but I ended up crying more than once today. Thank God Jenny didn't see... I was actually fine during the time that Jenny and I hung out. It was before the hangout and after the hangout that I was feeling down.

To top it all off, I was supposed to go to CNE with Arabic church tomorrow but all of them cancelled on me so I was left with two CNE tickets that I didn't know what to do with. But my mom says she'll go with me on Saturday. I hope it won't be stressful.

I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Psalm 126:5-6 (the Bible)

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I just want to give up on Andrew. Enough waiting for him, why don't I wait upon God instead? God understands how I feel. Today as I was reading my devotion book on the bus, I felt God telling me that my heart needs to be renewed before I can start any romantic relationship. My heart needed healing after Adrian, and now that it has healed, the next step is a renewed heart that is passionate for God and is refreshed in the Spirit.

Thuy says that Andrew should at least tell me how he feels about me. I don't know how to ask him though, without sounding like I'm pressuring him. Aaron says I shouldn't ask, because we wouldn't want him to give an answer without it being led by God. I don't know what to think anymore. I just don't want to wait for him and cry every night because of this. The hard part is not the waiting. It's waiting while I observe my sister dating my friend. I feel like it's not fair, the double standard that my mom puts on us.

My sister is allowed to date while I am not, and my mom keeps reminding me of past stuff and reminding me of how I need to focus on school first. Well doesn't my sister also have school??? It makes me mad.

For all I know, I'm just another girl to Andrew. At least with God I know that He thinks I'm special and He cares about me uniquely. Andrew is just a clueless person who doesn't know what he's missing. Sorry, I'm just upset. If he doesn't want me, then too bad for him. It's his loss. I'm not gonna cry over him.

God, I'm Yours.

Perfect theme song about waiting for Andrew

I love how this song makes you wait a good long time during the intro before you hear the singing part of the song. Uncomfortable waiting isn't it? It's hard to wait. You just want to fast forward. But God wants us to learn patience and not rush things, especially love.

I love the lyrics of this song. Reflects pretty much everything I feel about Andrew. Yesterday night I was crying because the waiting was getting hard. I even texted Andrew (as well as a bunch of people from lifegroup) to get them to pray for me because it was getting hard. So Andrew knows that it's hard for me. Good thing he texted back. I'm always glad to hear from him.

I'll be waiting for you baby, till the time is right :) Love is waiting.

What encourages me is people like Caleb, who are also waiting (he likes a girl, not me, and he's waiting on it). And people like Nanette too, she's also waiting for the right one to come along and she prayed a prayer for me that is just perfect: Peace be with you.

I love Tintin!!!

I want to watch this movie with Andrew in Montreal. :)

James 1:2-8

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

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Question: What do you work hardest at?

2 Peter 1:5-8

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

What is Love? baby don't hurt me... :P

Yeah, it's a line from a song.

I feel like writing right now to analyze my love life. Or analyze love. Whatever. Basically I want to analyze what happened to me+Adrian, me+Sam, and me+Andrew. (Maybe I should throw in Caleb in there???)

My friend Selena and I were discussing on our PEI trip last year... At that point I was dating Adrian but I had a crush on Ronson. Surprise? Probably... I don't think I mentioned Ronson to any of you reading this. But anyways. Selena told me that I love Adrian, but I was not in love with him. It was obvious because whenever I was away from Toronto, I never missed Adrian. Well actually even when I was in Toronto I would not miss Adrian when we were not together.

Adrian was a really good friend. And he became more than that because we got into a romantic relationship together. Did I feel passion when we hugged and kissed? Yes. But was I in love with him? No.

It's kind of like what my sister said. Sometimes you love someone so much as a friend that you want to please them. And then you trick yourself into thinking that you are in love with them too. And of course, all humans especially girls long for affection, and then you confuse affection with being in love. I enjoyed the affection with Adrian, but was my heart really in love? No.

But I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else when I was with him. That was for sure.

But the love got combined with lust. That was the problem. Lust overtook me and I became someone I didn't like. Someone who became very impure and far away from God. And God didn't like it either. So God broke us up. Simple as that. Well, not really that simple actually...

It was a horrible heartbreak. The hardest thing about it was that I lost a friend, a part of myself, and had to leave my church. I was walking with a flesh wound open. But praise God, God healed me and brought me to Grace Chinese Gospel Church.

Whenever I think I am fully healed from this whole Adrian thing, I soon find out that I am not. I am healing more and more, but I don't think I am fully healed yet. I know this because this Friday I'll be seeing Adrian and I think I'm gonna cry. It's normal right? After all, I lost a part of me that could never be reversed with this guy.

Now that I think of it, it's pretty risky for me to start something with Andrew if I am not fully healed about Adrian. It's a good thing I'm not dating Andrew right now, just friends. Even though he knows I like him, but we're not dating or anything. Far from it, I think. He's still praying about it.

With me and Sam it was very confusing. I liked Andrew, Caleb, and Sam (in that order) in rapid succession after I broke up with Adrian. I told Sam I liked him and he liked me back. We had somewhat similar personalities and we thought it could work out. But I was totally not over Adrian yet, far from it, so I became super attached and my parents were super against me and Sam being together.

So did I really like Sam or was it just a rebound? I would say I really did like Sam. And that he was also a rebound. Selena told me that Sam looked like Adrian. Anyways to keep it short, Sam and I were not meant to be.

Recently though, even though I like Andrew, I feel myself sometimes yearning affection from Sam. He is around a lot. He goes to my lifegroup and he is a great friend. We hang out more often now. So that makes me question... Do I really like Andrew or am I just yearning affection from any nice guy out there?

I think I do yearn for affection. But I don't like Sam. I don't feel the same things I have for Andrew when I am with Sam. Sam is just a good friend. Maybe if things were different, if life was set on a different plan, then things could have worked out with me and Sam. We talk very well and serve very well together, after all. (but hey! He doesn't speak French!)

But with Andrew I know I do like him because over the past year he's been the one I always go back to. The one I cried over and prayed over more than any other guy. And I know that as I get to know him more and more, whether I am really in love with this guy will soon reveal itself and I will know for sure whether he is the right one for me or not.

Oh and Caleb? haha... yeah some of you thought I really liked him right? I think Caleb was just a phase. Because I thought that Andrew didn't like me and there was no hope with him, so I thought of being with Caleb instead. :P

Anyway, update you things later... I'll let you know how my meetup with Adrian goes this Friday.

Found this on my friend's blog: very inspring :)

"If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full." - John Piper

I really like this song. It talks about missing someone who is far away. :) haha you can kind of guess who it makes me think of.

Yesterday Andrew messaged me online. I find it hard to get to know someone through online though... it takes longer and it's much less personal. Well, I did learn something about him. I learned that he has no middle name (so much for hoping that his middle name is Matthew), and that his birth certificate says Andrew Chao Daongam. His Chinese name is "Wah Sung".

He also doesn't know how to read or write Chinese. Or so he says. He somehow typed out his Chinese name in Chinese characters for me to see though.

Yesterday night I also talked to Adrian over the phone. It was much better than the last phone call. I'm going to meet Adrian (God willing) alone at 6:30pm at harvey's next week Friday before ETCBC Titus fellowship. And then we're going to Titus fellowship together. I don't know what's gonna happen but this might be a way that we can finally get closure on the relationship and become "friends" again. Please don't mention this to my sister or parents. They don't know.

I'm a strong girl. I think I can handle it. Even if I cry when I see Adrian, I know I need to see him at least one last time. Just to put an end to this thing and say goodbye. And I need to visit ETCBC Titus fellowship, because I never got to say a proper goodbye before I left.

Like I mentioned before, one chapter is ending and another one is beginning.

I know this is my 3rd blog post in a day, but STILL! I want to just say that

I AM SO JEALOUS OF MY SISTER RIGHT NOW!!!! >:(

Crap, I'm officially obsessed.

Rules for Martine Lee to follow for the next two weeks or so (until Labour Day).

1.) Do not check out Andrew's facebook page.
2.) Do not check out Andrew's work youtube page (it has nothing there anyways, just about ventilation systems)
3.) Do not post or share anything on facebook (especially to capture Andrew's attention), only post stuff to communicate with other people.
4.) Do not message, text, call or skype Andrew, unless he is the one to do it first. Give him some space.
5.) Do not try to talk to Andrew's guy friends.
6.) Don't get your hopes up. (My sister says for all I know, "I'll pray about it" might mean a "No") Right now, I am taking it as a yes but really I am just setting myself up for depression if I think of it that way and he turns out to like someone else.

Other rules for Martine:

1.) Don't flirt with other guys (believe it or not, I was tempted to flirt with Sam, because I used to like him before and recently we started spending time together again)
2.) Don't restart anything with Adrian (yes, believe it or not, I might see him in two weeks cuz I want to visit my old church)

On Waiting

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

Psalm 119:166
I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Proverbs 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

Lamentations 3:24
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Micah 7:7
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

James 5:7
[ Patience in Suffering ] Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

Today is THE BIG DAY!

No, not the day I get married.

But... I will update you later on how it goes! Woke up super early this morning, straightened my hair, put on cross earrings...

And coming with the expectation that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. So much prayer and talks have led up to this day, and I am prepared for No as an answer. I just hope I can articulate my feelings and thoughts properly and that the friendship won't end up awkward as a result of this.

One thing leading to another

I went to bed at like 11:30pm ish but I kept on thinking about Saturday 10am (meeting Andrew) and I just got more and more excited and couldn't fall asleep. So I went downstairs to eat something and then decided I would get my laptop and write on my blog.

One thing led to another and I noticed that on facebook my friend asked me to help give him some Bible verses for a friend that is going through loneliness. So I was looking through my French Gideons Bible (because that is the one where it gives me Bible passages for specific situations) and I sent them to him.

I think instead of talking about Andrew (which is probably getting boring by now) I am going to post those Bible passages for you so that you can benefit from them if you are going through a rough time or loneliness! So here they are:

Psalm 23

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹ The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
² He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
³ He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
⁴ Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

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Romans 8:35-39

New Living Translation (NLT)

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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2 Corinthians 4:16-18

¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Feeling reassured

Today I saw Thuy's email, talked with my friends Lidia and Jen, and talked with Andrew online. Things are slowly starting to fall into place. I'm meeting Andrew Saturday morning at Dundas Station area's Pickle Barrel for brunch.

It's going to be a casual, fun meeting. I'm going to talk about normal stuff first, then near the end of the brunch meeting I'm going to tell him how I feel, and leave the decision up to him, I'm not going to expect a relationship out of it, even though I want one.

I'm going to make it clear to Andrew that I want to just stay friends, unless God reveals to him one day that we should be more than that. I'm feeling positive now, not nervous.

Thanks for all the support, everyone!

Sorry, have to talk about Andrew again.

My sister gave me a "tip" for talking to Andrew. She said that it would be good if we took a walk somewhere to talk, instead of sitting down to talk, because it would feel more natural, less awkward in times of silence, and also you are walking so you are exercising so it makes your heart pump which can be mistaken for heart pumping due to love (it's a psychology thing).

So this led me to ask Andrew if he wanted to take a walk somewhere to talk, like a park or something. He hasn't replied since Friday and I'm wondering if I scared him away with this proposition.

I'm starting to think about whether I'm rushing things, like maybe I really should have waited until December or even later. I don't know. Maybe I really should have gotten to know him even better before deciding to tell him. I don't know.

I have a whole list of things that I want in a future husband. And to be honest, I'm starting to have doubts about whether Andrew fits those criteria. Because I never really did get to ask him whether he liked to travel (well he does like to travel to Toronto a lot) or whether he would want kids, or whether he enjoys missions (actually I think he does, otherwise he wouldn't be evangelism coordinator at his church), stuff like that. Stuff that I wouldn't be able to know anyway since I talk to him so little.

But then again, part of me likes Andrew a lot and wouldn't mind if he didn't like to travel or whatever, because from what I DO know about him, I know he's a great person, and I know I would still be good with him. :) At least, that's what I think. We both have a heart for God, we both like to speak French, we both like to serve God, play guitar, sing, hang out... and he's patient, understanding, kind, a gentleman, hardworking, and accepting. That's what matters to me.

Things to be thankful for

I originally wanted to come on this blog to complain about how heavy and thick my new glasses are, but instead I think I should just be thankful for what I have.

Currently there is a huge famine going on in Somalia. I am thankful that I have food.

There was a recent flood in Seoul. I am thankful that I am safe and dry.

Even if Andrew never ends up meeting with me, I am still thankful that I have him as a friend.

Although I just came back from a very stressful retreat (taking care of kids), I am thankful that there was at least one kid who had fun, and seeing those kids smile just made my day's troubles melt away.

Although I have super heavy glasses, at least I can see.

I have friends and family, I am safe, I am well-rested. What more can I ask for?