Saturday, December 18, 2010
My new favourite verse from the French Bible
‘’C’est d’elle que je suis devenu le serviteur, conformément à la charge que Dieu m’a confiée pour vous : annoncer pleinement la parole de Dieu, le mystère caché de tout temps et à toutes les générations, mais révélé maintenant à ses saints. En effet, Dieu a voulu leur faire connaître la glorieuse richesse de ce mystère parmi les non-Juifs, c’est-à-dire Christ en vous, l’espérance de la gloire.’’ Colossiens 1 :25-26
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
2 down, 1 to go
YUP! I finished my 2nd exam! One more to go, thank God I'm not too stressed... but I am pressed for time. So why am I on my blog right now? It's just too late in the night to study (almost 1am here) but I am also too energized today for some reason I just couldn't fall asleep.
This semester I might be having lower marks than usual but the important thing is if I tried my best. I think I'm trying my best, keeping in mind that my health was bad this semester and I had to take care of that, and also I was trying to work so hard at my jobs and be there for friends (whom I love very much). So overall I think I was trying my best. I will definitely try to cram as much as possible for my last exam.
There is a lot to be thankful for and happy about actually. :) There is too much to name right now. But Christmas is coming soon and I have almost 3 weeks of break, so that's for sure something to be thankful for. And I am thankful for a new job starting Jan. to replace my library job, it's a job that has less hours (only roughly 5 hours a week) so it should be better in terms of balancing my studies.
I still have a lot to do and look forward to next semester though. I was just analyzing my schedule mentally today and even though I took out my 15 hours a week library job for next semester, I am still adding on 3 different things: being on church softball team leadership (commitment of 1 meeting a month until May when we start 2 practices a week), being an A.A. (that's the new job of roughly 5 hours a week), and ... I think that was it actually... oh wait, more random volunteering with church ppl for the community.
I hope I can fit in everything properly and not be all rushed or frazzled. This Christmas I am not doing any Christmas shopping (I'm only going to write cards, not give gifts) cuz I need to save money and I want to save stress too. Christmas shopping for others can be very stressful and money-consuming.
:) :) :)
This semester I might be having lower marks than usual but the important thing is if I tried my best. I think I'm trying my best, keeping in mind that my health was bad this semester and I had to take care of that, and also I was trying to work so hard at my jobs and be there for friends (whom I love very much). So overall I think I was trying my best. I will definitely try to cram as much as possible for my last exam.
There is a lot to be thankful for and happy about actually. :) There is too much to name right now. But Christmas is coming soon and I have almost 3 weeks of break, so that's for sure something to be thankful for. And I am thankful for a new job starting Jan. to replace my library job, it's a job that has less hours (only roughly 5 hours a week) so it should be better in terms of balancing my studies.
I still have a lot to do and look forward to next semester though. I was just analyzing my schedule mentally today and even though I took out my 15 hours a week library job for next semester, I am still adding on 3 different things: being on church softball team leadership (commitment of 1 meeting a month until May when we start 2 practices a week), being an A.A. (that's the new job of roughly 5 hours a week), and ... I think that was it actually... oh wait, more random volunteering with church ppl for the community.
I hope I can fit in everything properly and not be all rushed or frazzled. This Christmas I am not doing any Christmas shopping (I'm only going to write cards, not give gifts) cuz I need to save money and I want to save stress too. Christmas shopping for others can be very stressful and money-consuming.
:) :) :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version, ©2010)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
---
How often do I forget that to protect my heart, I just need to pray it all out and thank God. Cuz being thankful makes me happier, truly happier, and the peace of God will protect my heart.
---
Thank You Jesus for my friends, for my family, for my salvation, for school, cuz others who are poor may not be able to afford it, thanks for my jobs, cuz many ppl don't have jobs. Thank you for this blog, thank you for the music, thank you for my LifeGroup, thank you for being there for me.
Stuff that won't make sense to you (only God knows)
Dear God,
It hurts so much right now. I have to get over 3 guys at once. I brought this trouble upon myself. I feel so down, I don't even want to do anything. I'm so sad, I have no one to talk to about this except you cuz basically it concerns you and me.
I don't feel like anything anymore. This medicine is not working out. I'm more bipolar than ever, just so that I can save myself from cervix cancer.
As much as I try to deny it, Sam Sham and Adrian Leung were very important to me. I can't just forget about them. I guess I don't want to. But I gave up these guys so that I could draw closer to you and your will, God. It hurts to deny my own desires and my self. Everything that made me happy, I gave it up.
I know you are teaching me to be satisfied in you only. It's harder than I thought. I am a very social person, and I gave my heart to like ten million guys already who were not able to give it back.
I know I'm supposed to wait until I get to the mission field , wait and see if there is a guy for me there, but right now I feel so down that I don't get support into the mission field. Virgin Mary must have felt a similar way, she was shunned by her family cuz she was pregnant without getting married, and Joseph was gonna divorce her. But she kept on believing in your will, and now she is an example to many women, and she in the end got support from Joseph as well.
It's hardest when you have to choose between your dreams and your idea of a "perfect guy". It's even harder to choose between what God thinks is best versus what you wanted.
And it's weird too when the perfect guy is actually not perfect after all.
I know exactly why You took Sam away from me, now. You took him away because he didn't lead me closer to You. He made me go farther away from You and sin more. That's why.
And I have to get over Jonathan cuz he's not the one either. I have to protect his heart by leaving words unsaid and distancing away from him. I knew it was the right thing to do after all. And Adrian, I gotta let him discover You on his own now, God please save him this Christmas.
I still remember so much it's like a flood of emotions and memories that disturb me day and night. I think I'm gonna fail my exams. Yesterday I barely got through half a chapter of Psych, it was so slow, even though I was pretty motivated. And today I'm so unmotivated, I can't even take care of myself.
I always tend to reach out to GUYS when I'm sad. Maybe I just don't want to burden my girlfriends about it cuz they might worry more or I hate to see their sympathetic faces cuz I don't want to be felt sorry for.
Sometimes I hate to face the truth. The real deep down core truth. I like to lie to myself and say I'm ok or that the situation is not that bad. But I guess it is bad and my pride is struck down as if by lightning.
I'm sad. I'm very very sad. That's the truth. I am a broken, sad, desperate person. I am not doing well in school. That's the truth. It's hard to focus on everything at once. I'm not supergirl. I wish I could be.
I am feeling a bit better I guess. Listening to Canadian tenors doesn't help cuz their music is too moving it makes me cry more.
Time for some happy music.
It hurts so much right now. I have to get over 3 guys at once. I brought this trouble upon myself. I feel so down, I don't even want to do anything. I'm so sad, I have no one to talk to about this except you cuz basically it concerns you and me.
I don't feel like anything anymore. This medicine is not working out. I'm more bipolar than ever, just so that I can save myself from cervix cancer.
As much as I try to deny it, Sam Sham and Adrian Leung were very important to me. I can't just forget about them. I guess I don't want to. But I gave up these guys so that I could draw closer to you and your will, God. It hurts to deny my own desires and my self. Everything that made me happy, I gave it up.
I know you are teaching me to be satisfied in you only. It's harder than I thought. I am a very social person, and I gave my heart to like ten million guys already who were not able to give it back.
I know I'm supposed to wait until I get to the mission field , wait and see if there is a guy for me there, but right now I feel so down that I don't get support into the mission field. Virgin Mary must have felt a similar way, she was shunned by her family cuz she was pregnant without getting married, and Joseph was gonna divorce her. But she kept on believing in your will, and now she is an example to many women, and she in the end got support from Joseph as well.
It's hardest when you have to choose between your dreams and your idea of a "perfect guy". It's even harder to choose between what God thinks is best versus what you wanted.
And it's weird too when the perfect guy is actually not perfect after all.
I know exactly why You took Sam away from me, now. You took him away because he didn't lead me closer to You. He made me go farther away from You and sin more. That's why.
And I have to get over Jonathan cuz he's not the one either. I have to protect his heart by leaving words unsaid and distancing away from him. I knew it was the right thing to do after all. And Adrian, I gotta let him discover You on his own now, God please save him this Christmas.
I still remember so much it's like a flood of emotions and memories that disturb me day and night. I think I'm gonna fail my exams. Yesterday I barely got through half a chapter of Psych, it was so slow, even though I was pretty motivated. And today I'm so unmotivated, I can't even take care of myself.
I always tend to reach out to GUYS when I'm sad. Maybe I just don't want to burden my girlfriends about it cuz they might worry more or I hate to see their sympathetic faces cuz I don't want to be felt sorry for.
Sometimes I hate to face the truth. The real deep down core truth. I like to lie to myself and say I'm ok or that the situation is not that bad. But I guess it is bad and my pride is struck down as if by lightning.
I'm sad. I'm very very sad. That's the truth. I am a broken, sad, desperate person. I am not doing well in school. That's the truth. It's hard to focus on everything at once. I'm not supergirl. I wish I could be.
I am feeling a bit better I guess. Listening to Canadian tenors doesn't help cuz their music is too moving it makes me cry more.
Time for some happy music.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Quotes I wanna remember...
Life flows like water. So if someone or something you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it
Thanks to DB for these quotes.
Whispers from a broken heart made whole...
A lot of changes/things to handle at once... Pastor Fiona just told me she's going back to California, and she doesn't know when she will be back. I wasn't too shocked, I mean, I knew it was gonna happen that she would have to go home someday when her visa would be fixed, but I guess I've gotten to know her so much and looked to her as a role model, it's hard to imagine what would happen when she's gone and I will have another mentor. (yet again, always switching mentors)
She said I could of course still contact her, stay in touch. I guess that's good. Anyway, thats one of the changes.
Christmas is here. It's hard when things that I used to like so much end up reminding me of guys that I had to break up with. For instance, I LOVE sparkly decorations and sparkly anything in general. But because I shared this with Adrian and he used to always remember how much I loved sparkly stuff, now whenever I see sparkly decorations I will remember Adrian. I spent a lot of Christmas time with Adrian last year. We went out to dinner with his parents and I had my first lobster bisque soup there at that dinner place. We also had sushi buffet with his friends and also once when we were at Eaton centre together, we happened to see the Canadian Tenors sing. So Christmas was a big deal last year, and this year, I can't help but miss him at least a bit.
And then throw Sam Sham into the mix. My favourite colour is purple and same with him. Now whenever I wear purple I will remember him. I can't even wear my favourite colour without thinking about this guy and how he would have appreciated the colours that matched.
Jonathan. Why do I have to deal with three guys at once? I think the reason why I love Jonathan is because he loves missions and he loves the Lord Jesus a lot. It's something that I admired in Sam except that Sam didn't love missions. So I guess that makes me want Jon even more because he loves both. I don't know. But honestly, last week Jon was like a boyfriend to me, always inviting me out and initiating contact, something that Sam didn't do. So I guess you can say I love Jon for the things Sam didn't give me.
I'm so messed up.
On the positive side, I realize that even if I walk this path of life as a single, it doesn't mean that I'm alone. God is with me and so is my best friend Thuy. :) And other friends too. I appreciate female friends more now that I realize all the guy trouble I had to deal with stemming from being too close to guys.
Although my heart is broken and broken again even before being made whole from the first time, I thing it is also whole because God fills me with love and peace. It's really true. Next year I still have a lot to look forward to even though I might not be going to Tyndale.
My exams are coming soon and I feel like I might fail them. But I will try my best to study, give it my all... and next semester will be a better semester, I'm sure. It takes time to heal.
Although I sometimes feel like I'm ok on my own, the truth is, everyone deep down wants someone special to share life with, intimacy with someone that they can share their life with. For me, I shared my heart with way too many guys, I don't know if there's anything special left to give to the real "one" who was supposed to be my future husband. I am so loose, so giving, so fast-loving, that I really don't know how to protect my own heart.
For some reason I really wish that Jonathan was the one for me. Why, I don't know. Maybe you can say I'm really desperate, even though I don't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to keep looking anymore. I wish things were easier. That love was easier... maybe.
It's been 6 breakups already. You can say I'm a wreck. I'm a very broken person, that's what I told Sam. I haven't even healed from Adrian and I had another breakup with Sam and then another semi-break with Jon, even though Jon didn't even know I liked him. I don't know. I think I don't know myself well enough. Otherwise this pattern would have stopped a long time ago.
Like it was revealed to me a while back now (I keep forgetting), I have trouble being patient. That's why a day seems so long to me, cuz I'm not patient. That's why every time Jonathan pops up on gmail, I cannot resist but talk to him... I have trouble being patient. That's why I was so upset when Pastor Ray was suggesting I don't go to Tyndale right away.
Good things come to those who wait (is that the expression?)..
I still haven't figured out how fate and free will intermingle when it comes to dating.
Today I missed Jonathan so much it kind of hurt a little. I love so hard... I love so fast... so deeply.
Only time can tell. That's what Jon told me when it comes to what God's plan is. Only time can tell. Not feelings, not a voice, not anything but time. Interesting. I miss him already.
I'm pretty tired. This medicine keeps changing its effects on me. My life keeps changing on me. I hope we have a merry Christmas. :) And a Happy New Year. Friends for life...< 3
She said I could of course still contact her, stay in touch. I guess that's good. Anyway, thats one of the changes.
Christmas is here. It's hard when things that I used to like so much end up reminding me of guys that I had to break up with. For instance, I LOVE sparkly decorations and sparkly anything in general. But because I shared this with Adrian and he used to always remember how much I loved sparkly stuff, now whenever I see sparkly decorations I will remember Adrian. I spent a lot of Christmas time with Adrian last year. We went out to dinner with his parents and I had my first lobster bisque soup there at that dinner place. We also had sushi buffet with his friends and also once when we were at Eaton centre together, we happened to see the Canadian Tenors sing. So Christmas was a big deal last year, and this year, I can't help but miss him at least a bit.
And then throw Sam Sham into the mix. My favourite colour is purple and same with him. Now whenever I wear purple I will remember him. I can't even wear my favourite colour without thinking about this guy and how he would have appreciated the colours that matched.
Jonathan. Why do I have to deal with three guys at once? I think the reason why I love Jonathan is because he loves missions and he loves the Lord Jesus a lot. It's something that I admired in Sam except that Sam didn't love missions. So I guess that makes me want Jon even more because he loves both. I don't know. But honestly, last week Jon was like a boyfriend to me, always inviting me out and initiating contact, something that Sam didn't do. So I guess you can say I love Jon for the things Sam didn't give me.
I'm so messed up.
On the positive side, I realize that even if I walk this path of life as a single, it doesn't mean that I'm alone. God is with me and so is my best friend Thuy. :) And other friends too. I appreciate female friends more now that I realize all the guy trouble I had to deal with stemming from being too close to guys.
Although my heart is broken and broken again even before being made whole from the first time, I thing it is also whole because God fills me with love and peace. It's really true. Next year I still have a lot to look forward to even though I might not be going to Tyndale.
My exams are coming soon and I feel like I might fail them. But I will try my best to study, give it my all... and next semester will be a better semester, I'm sure. It takes time to heal.
Although I sometimes feel like I'm ok on my own, the truth is, everyone deep down wants someone special to share life with, intimacy with someone that they can share their life with. For me, I shared my heart with way too many guys, I don't know if there's anything special left to give to the real "one" who was supposed to be my future husband. I am so loose, so giving, so fast-loving, that I really don't know how to protect my own heart.
For some reason I really wish that Jonathan was the one for me. Why, I don't know. Maybe you can say I'm really desperate, even though I don't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to keep looking anymore. I wish things were easier. That love was easier... maybe.
It's been 6 breakups already. You can say I'm a wreck. I'm a very broken person, that's what I told Sam. I haven't even healed from Adrian and I had another breakup with Sam and then another semi-break with Jon, even though Jon didn't even know I liked him. I don't know. I think I don't know myself well enough. Otherwise this pattern would have stopped a long time ago.
Like it was revealed to me a while back now (I keep forgetting), I have trouble being patient. That's why a day seems so long to me, cuz I'm not patient. That's why every time Jonathan pops up on gmail, I cannot resist but talk to him... I have trouble being patient. That's why I was so upset when Pastor Ray was suggesting I don't go to Tyndale right away.
Good things come to those who wait (is that the expression?)..
I still haven't figured out how fate and free will intermingle when it comes to dating.
Today I missed Jonathan so much it kind of hurt a little. I love so hard... I love so fast... so deeply.
Only time can tell. That's what Jon told me when it comes to what God's plan is. Only time can tell. Not feelings, not a voice, not anything but time. Interesting. I miss him already.
I'm pretty tired. This medicine keeps changing its effects on me. My life keeps changing on me. I hope we have a merry Christmas. :) And a Happy New Year. Friends for life...< 3
I honestly believe that as a result of [bipolar disorder] I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty and seeing things through. …Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster and loved faster than most I know."
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind
I MISS JONATHAN WONG!!! :S I don't know why i love/miss him so much...
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind
I MISS JONATHAN WONG!!! :S I don't know why i love/miss him so much...
Friday, December 3, 2010
This song pretty much "answers" all the questions from last post...
A quote I took from a music video of "Pray" by Justin Bieber... the only thing I liked about the song to be honest...
"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." :) I like that.
Questions I wanna ask God (uncensored)...
What in the world am i supposed to do next year????
Am I supposed to stay single for life????
Who did I not forgive yet?
In what ways have I not healed yet from past hurts/boys/work-related issues?
What does it really mean to be prepared/ready for seminary?
What is faith anyways???
Is it possible that you are coming back in my lifetime??? Am I supposed to change my lifestyle as a result?
Why is my heart still breaking?
Why am I in love with like 3 guys at once?
Who do I really want? What do I really want???
If I want what you want, God, then what the hell does that mean anymore?
What do YOU want?
Am I so crazy that I cannot hear your voice clearly? Why is it that when I thought you said one thing, something seems to always correct it?
maybe I assume you say one thing but You and I are not on the same page???
Is this supposed to be a test?
What is the test, exactly?
Is the test supposed to be that I don't know? thats why I'm supposed to trust You more?
Am I not patient enough, is that why?
Why do I feel like I don't care about being a pastor in Montreal anymore?
Why do I feel like I don't care what is going to happen in the future anymore? I must be sick of caring about the future, aren't I?
Why do I feel like my dreams aren't that important anymore?
is it because I think others can accomplish them, that You don't need me anymore?
Why do I feel like my exams aren't important? I don't feel like doing them anymore.
Why do I feel like every time a guy likes me, it doesn't work out, and every time I find a guy that I like, it doesnt work out either?
Why do I not care anymore that it didn't work out?
Am I supposed to get off OsAP and become dirt poor or stay on OSAP and die from stress?
Did I not pray enough or something this week?
If I'm supposed to fast, what am I supposed to fast from and what am I even supposed to fast about?
Am I supposed to cancel next Tues. meeting?
How the heck am I suposed to heal when everything reminds me of Adrian?
How the heck was I supposed to heal when everything reminded me of Sam?
Why was Jonathan Wong so damn nice to me when he didn't even like me or want a relationship with me?
Why is work so tiring?
Why are my knees hurting?
Why am I even asking these questions anyway, what's the point?
Am I angry with you, God?
Am I angry with others?
Why did I want to go to Montreal so badly, now I don't even know if I wanna go anymore? But then again, all I want is to be up that mountain looking down, cuz that's how I think I will figure out my life, is that true though?
Do my dreams and future depend on who I love more?
Does that mean right now I don't love anybody? THat doesn't make sense.
I'm kind of tired of asking questions...
I don't even know if I want the answers anymore.
But I know you are there God to listen and I'm grateful.
Am I supposed to stay single for life????
Who did I not forgive yet?
In what ways have I not healed yet from past hurts/boys/work-related issues?
What does it really mean to be prepared/ready for seminary?
What is faith anyways???
Is it possible that you are coming back in my lifetime??? Am I supposed to change my lifestyle as a result?
Why is my heart still breaking?
Why am I in love with like 3 guys at once?
Who do I really want? What do I really want???
If I want what you want, God, then what the hell does that mean anymore?
What do YOU want?
Am I so crazy that I cannot hear your voice clearly? Why is it that when I thought you said one thing, something seems to always correct it?
maybe I assume you say one thing but You and I are not on the same page???
Is this supposed to be a test?
What is the test, exactly?
Is the test supposed to be that I don't know? thats why I'm supposed to trust You more?
Am I not patient enough, is that why?
Why do I feel like I don't care about being a pastor in Montreal anymore?
Why do I feel like I don't care what is going to happen in the future anymore? I must be sick of caring about the future, aren't I?
Why do I feel like my dreams aren't that important anymore?
is it because I think others can accomplish them, that You don't need me anymore?
Why do I feel like my exams aren't important? I don't feel like doing them anymore.
Why do I feel like every time a guy likes me, it doesn't work out, and every time I find a guy that I like, it doesnt work out either?
Why do I not care anymore that it didn't work out?
Am I supposed to get off OsAP and become dirt poor or stay on OSAP and die from stress?
Did I not pray enough or something this week?
If I'm supposed to fast, what am I supposed to fast from and what am I even supposed to fast about?
Am I supposed to cancel next Tues. meeting?
How the heck am I suposed to heal when everything reminds me of Adrian?
How the heck was I supposed to heal when everything reminded me of Sam?
Why was Jonathan Wong so damn nice to me when he didn't even like me or want a relationship with me?
Why is work so tiring?
Why are my knees hurting?
Why am I even asking these questions anyway, what's the point?
Am I angry with you, God?
Am I angry with others?
Why did I want to go to Montreal so badly, now I don't even know if I wanna go anymore? But then again, all I want is to be up that mountain looking down, cuz that's how I think I will figure out my life, is that true though?
Do my dreams and future depend on who I love more?
Does that mean right now I don't love anybody? THat doesn't make sense.
I'm kind of tired of asking questions...
I don't even know if I want the answers anymore.
But I know you are there God to listen and I'm grateful.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
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