Beware another sappy love song...

I don't know... I just couldn't stop thinking of Sam...

I went through a weird time today, and cried, but not because of Sam... because I was upset at myself... I was very angry and it got out of control... I broke a plastic box and I'm mad at myself... and also... I somehow thought back to Adrian... and I cried for what I lost... and for what I made him lose...

And no, it wasn't virginity I was concerned about this time, it was because after I left him, Adrian went back to his "old self". I feel like I took his real self away from him... cuz when I was with him, he finally felt free to be himself, fully, because he knew I accepted him for who he is... but now that I'm gone, he's got God but other than that, he's back to his old neutral lifeless boring stone-faced self. I don't like that.

And I lost a friend. A friend I could always call on and no matter how angry I was he would look at me with dear eyes and say in a calm voice that it was going to be okay...

Pastor Fiona says I need to "cut all soulties" to Adrian so that I can be fully healed. Does this mean I still have a soultie to him?

If you ask me whether I still love Adrian and want to marry him, I would say definitely not. But for some weird reason, i wish things were different and he didn't have to lose himself... that he could stay his fun happy vivid excitable self even without me there beside him...

And I wish for that best friend to call on... but... I think I will have to make do without Adrian and I have to make do without calling on sam... and I know Thuy will be there for me :) God bless our friendship!!! And I think i can always call on Walter too :) Thanks Walter!
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WE DAY!!!!

Happy We Day everyone!!! If you don't know what that is, please go on www.facebook.com/weday and you will see how it all works. "Free the Children" is a charity that was started by a young man wanting to see children in poor countries get education and healthcare. Now, this is a worldwide movement and the "Me to We" campaign aims to get ppl out of their selfish mindsets and start thinking about how WE can change the world together through partnering with poor countries and supporting them.

Just by clicking on the "Like" button you will be able to donate money to this cause. I firmly believe in it. :)
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Sometimes I wish I had more money just so I could give it away... seriously! Like one of my newfound friends, all he needs is 2000 dollars and then he can be able to go to finish his Master's program!!! He is stuck because he has no money to go to school and it is very hard to find a job. So I'm just praying and thinking about how I can get him that 2000 dollars. It's not any kind of Master's program either, it is a Counselling Degree. Imagine, with that Counselling degree, he will be equipped and ready to help hundreds other people out there who are going through problems. Not that he cannot help ppl right now, but with that degree he can reach so many more people that he normally would not reach!!! And do it more effectively too!!!

(If you have money and want to donate to my friend's Education Fund, please let me know!!! Every little bit helps!!!)

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Just two days ago we got a message on our answering machine saying that Choy Bak, an elderly man from my old church, had passed away. He was in much pain at the hospital due to cancer, and so in a way we are relieved that he went to be with God. I am mentioning this on my blog because I knew Choy Bak personally. Although we weren't close friends, he knew me to be Lily's daughter, and he would say hi and chat with me on the bus.

In fact, it was only about a month ago that I saw him on the bus. He's such a friendly person. He went to volunteering very faithfully every week. Even in the snow and rain, my mom said, he would go to volunteering. It's not like a "fun" kind of volunteering either. It was a mundane job, recording cassette tapes/CDs for people who wanted to listen to sermons. Imagine sitting there just recording cassette tapes all day long. I don't know how many days a week he did it, or how many hours, but in any case, I believe that Choy Bak was a very faithful Christian.

You don't hear a lot about those faithful Christians. You often hear about the crappy ones in the news, the ones who did some sex scandal or whatever. I don't even know if those are real Christians or if those are Christians who just got distracted by the devil. In any case, you don't hear about the good side of Christianity very often.

I want to say that I respect Choy Bak a lot. It's hard to imagine that this man whom I saw a month ago smiling on the bus ended up in pain with cancer at the hospital only a few weeks later, and then another few weeks later was gone. But it encourages me to stay faithful to God and let my life be a blessing to people around me, no matter in a big or small way. I want to shake Choy Bak's hand again one day in heaven, and tell him that he was a really really good inspiration.

Back to my original topic... I wish you a happy we day. Remember, We are in this together. :) *BIG FAT HUGS GO OUT TO EVERYONE READING THIS!!!!!***

Forgive me for being sappy!!!!

Hi, if you are going through a sad time already, or if you are going through a happy time but don't want to risk being sad, please don't listen to these songs. Right now I'm happy and strong enough that I can smile at these songs but please do not listen to them if you don't feel up to it, cuz they are sappy love songs!!!!

ORRRR just listen to More Than Words, don't listen to the 2nd one!!!!

Really Random tidbits on a Really Rainy Tuesday

Today I lost my umbrella... but thank God my friend Jerry offered to help me find it as I rushed off downtown to see the traditional Chinese doctor... I really hate it when I lose umbrellas, it happens so often and I hate getting wet in the rain...

This doctor was better than the other two. He didn't charge a lot of money, just enough to cover the medicine fees. He was very friendly and sincere, and had an Ontario certificate in traditional Chinese medicine, as opposed to a Chinese one (therefore I trust him more, cuz those Chinese ones basically learned from tradition only and not from any formal education). I was very happy and felt that this man was a noble man, because he wasn't greedy, he only wanted to help people.

I got a lot of reading done during my travel time. I read the sad story of Oroonoko, the Royal Slave (this is a novel) It's a good story, just super sad. However, he is a hero in the story, and also a very noble person because he tried to save people from slavery and he loved his wife (named Imoinda) very very much. It is a love story, historical story, and a very sad story. I cannot relate to this story very much but I was just horrified at the way Oroonoko and Imoinda had to die. It's just so depressing... but don't you worry, I did not cry and I think I will just take it as a story.

Fuzzy the guinea pig is getting bigger. I compare him to the Lion King, because he likes to stand on a wooden block and put his head up like a majestic lion... and he's brown and furry anyway. Haha.

Today on the bus, I was trying to get to the back to sit down, but the bus lurched forward and I fell backward on a wrong spot. Now my left side of the bum hurts when I sit, even if I sit on a soft surface. That's how bad my butt hit the hard part of the seat. Ugh.

I've got some friends going through troubles... I wish I could do more to help them... but really, I guess the best I can do is just be there and pray for them...

:) smile, and the world will smile along with you

a touching story and a beautiful song...

I cried this morning when I sang this song at church with all my heart <3 God has taught me to say, "It is Well with My Soul". Ahh, sometimes hymns are deeper and more meaningful when we find out WHY they were written. And what the songwriters went through...

A promise kept, Another promise made.

I thought I would write about this tomorrow when I had more time or had more sleep, but somehow I got home energized and my response paper assignment (which is due tomorrow) is going well, so I am confident I will get it done, even if it is last minute.

Just couldn't wait to share about the joy of a promise kept, realizations that bring joy and a lifting of burdens, and another promise made that is even more super exciting :D

Thuy and I are going through a lot. And basically, without revealing too much, we kept our promise (made roughly 3 years ago) that we would go to the Go Global Expo/Fair (it happens annually downtown) together. It was fun! And as we were sharing over Starbucks frappucinos, we talked about our struggles, struggles that are interestingly and very comfortingly similar to each other's. It all came down to expectations, patience, whether someone was worth it, and what do we do if it don't end up getting who we waited for.

The last thing was the biggest struggle because we already answered to ourselves that the person in our life was worth it, but all this waiting and long-suffering (aka patience) could amount to "nothing" if we don't end up with the person. But after thinking about it more, we came to the conclusion that it's not going to amount to nothing. We won't LET IT amount to nothing, because we have now a PERSONAL REWARD to look forward to.

We can be proud of ourselves for being able to grow and mature during our time of long-suffering, and we can be proud of ourselves for being able to stand strong and keeping the hope for the person we love. Because the love was something we really believed in and we did not give up. And on top of that, whatever the case, Thuy and I will go on a discovery trip overseas together, as a personal reward and mutual rejoicing of this goal. :D that's our promise.

SO EXCITED! WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE I COME! And also, WATCH OUT FOR THUY BESIDE ME! SHE'S ONE AWESOME FRIEND! and together we will kick it!!!!

I miss Sam. :/

Bordering on crazy

I will run the race, knowing You're by my side
I will not lose faith, cuz I know I'll survive
I can see my path, by the steps that You take
And I know I'll make it just in time
To see You waiting at the finish line

(Run the Race, song by Justis Kao)

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Today I am bordering on crazy. I blame romantic love. But for the very last time I am going to stop looking back and just run this race at the pace God gave me. And I will be going now. Take care everyone, update you again some other time. Love you all.

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(later on in the day)

WOOPDEEDOOO! I went rock climbing today at the Student Centre Courtyard! It was called "Climb for the Cure", run by a lot of clubs and SCSU. I got a little ribbon to show support for Breast cancer victims too. :D

I had a lot of fun, and it was I guess my form of exercise for the week. I wanted to challenge myself so I did "medium" instead of "easy". I tried to remember to trust, not fear, and persevere. :) Things I was trying to teach my LITs during the summer when they were rock climbing... haha

Someone in my class said this today, and it is like my "God moment" of the day (or maybe later on I will have more God moments!)... She said...

The more bitter your journey is, the sweeter it is when you get there. (referencing "The Pilgrim's Progress)

I felt really encouraged. I can have something to look forward to, even though it is a very delayed reward. :)

My life mission:

to be a minister of Christ Jesus to the Gentiles with the priestly duty of proclaiming the gospel of God, so that the Gentiles might become an offering acceptable to God, sanctified by the Holy Spirit.
--Romans 15:16

Now Martine, don't you ever forget that. :)


Therefore I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God.
~~ ^{Romans 15:17}

Hearing God in everyday places

A lot of people tend to believe that God's voice can be heard only by going to church and listening to a sermon... or they think that it's when they pray and in the silence they will somehow hear God. I think it's definitely true that we can hear God in those ways, especially when we keep immersed in His Word and can distinguish if we are really hearing Him. However, lately I've been hearing God in everyday places, such as school and the mall.

What do I mean by hearing God's voice? I don't really hear it audibly but it's just from different things that I experience/notice/see/hear that kind of hits me, and makes me think about life and truth. Things that are very profound and very meaningful, that I know God would say.

Let's take a look at a few...

1.) WELL BEHAVED GIRLS ARE FORGOTTEN (ONLY)

I wish I could show you the ad but it's not online as far as I have found (and I don't want to waste time searching for it). But if you cross the bridge btw STC bus station to STC mall, you will see a big fat long sign saying exactly that. I don't really see how it connects to the jean brand (only), because they aren't scanty jeans as far as I know. And the girls were not scanty like the GUESS ads.

Maybe it was only to attract attention but it sends off a HORRIBLE message to kids/tweens who don't know any better. Well behaved girls are forgotten? I was trying to see what that would mean. In one sense, well behaved girls CAN be forgotten if they are just well behaved but really quiet and have no friends. I can see that happening. That would be sad. But not all well behaved girls are forgotten, in fact, if they are very well behaved and make a positive difference in this world, they would be remembered.

OR even if they are not remembered, God will remember. They will not be forgotten, even if they have no friends, because God will remember and try to reach out to them.

I also thought about whether bad girls are forgotten. I think bad girls attract attention, of course. I mean, look at the news, if you kill someone, you will get attention. At the same time, even if it's not as serious as murder, bad girls attract attention because of the way they act. However, is it worth it? Probably not. They are just creating a bad reputation for themselves and it might not end well at all.

I think this ad creates confusion in girls. Especially those girls who want to be popular. The Bad Girl image is becoming more and more popular, even I myself am tempted to dress like a sexy librarian (I'm serious! I do feel tempted) And girls who are quiet or considered non-beautiful want to be noticed. So they end up becoming bad girls. This is society going DOWN, guys/girls. Why can't people value virtue anymore?

So that was God giving me a truth about society and our girls. And myself as well, not to fall into the advertisement's trap.

2) WANTING PERFECTION = DYING

My prof from Fantasy Literature told our class this statement. She said it in passing as we were discussing a story. And she was referencing Adam and Eve, how when they ate the fruit, they wanted to be perfect so they ended up "dying" spiritually, having to be thrown out of the garden.

For me, this statement rings true because I often want to be perfect, whether in appearance, doing tasks, serving God, or whatever. And it stresses me out. And stress actually does make your life shorter. So I was reminded again that I should not want perfection. Even though the Bible says to try to become more like God, it is trying to say we should try to follow God. Not BE God or be a perfect person.

The prof actually said something else that was really nice and true. She pointed out that in the story, beauty is imperfect. If something is too perfect, it may not even be beautiful cuz then it would look fake. Isn't that so true? How many of those ppl out there have done plastic surgery on their face and you wish they didn't do it? And haven't you ever seen an elderly lady with a beautiful smile that just brightens up your heart?

And this also applies to personality. If someone had a perfect personality, never made any mistakes, it would actually be off-putting. But if they are a bit silly and a bit clumsy, or say something stupid, it actually makes you laugh and appreciate the person cuz it's just so funny or you accept them for who they are.

3) IF YOU AREN'T SUFFERING, U AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT.

Wow. What a statement, right? But let's put it in context. My other prof said this as we were discussing a book called "Pilgrim's Progress". It's a Christian novel but it also applies to everyone, not just Christians. In this book, the main character struggles through a lot of problems just to get to this place called the Celestial City. On his journey there, he meets a lot of people that guide the way for him and help him through troubles.

This book is an allegory for life. And the prof said that Christians are SUPPOSED to suffer a lot, according to this book, and if you are not suffering, something is wrong. For me this was an encouragement because I have been suffering quite a bit and if this is a sign that I'm on the right track, then praise God! I am not suffering for no reason.

4) UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Today I was having lunch with a dear friend and we were talking about my latest thoughts/problems. I told him that I was bouncing from one extreme to the other, basically one extreme being obsessed with this one guy and the other extreme being I'm only his friend but then I don't know what to do with my feelings and those are bouncing around also.

I also was struggling with the question, how do you know you really love someone?

My friend is very wise, I think. He helped me to see that I need a balance. On one hand, we can like the qualities of a person. I can list out a whole lot of qualities that I love in this guy, and qualities are important to a certain extent so that I don't have a clashing relationship with someone or nothing to talk about with that person or a guy who will treat me badly...

HOWEVER, on the other hand, we cannot just love the person because of their qualities. Unconditional love is when you love that person because you just love them, and if you take away the qualities, you will still love them. For me, I think that I've been bouncing up and down a bit and not really realizing that I need both.

Qualities of a person may fade over time. Are you still going to love them? If you do, then it is real love. This isn't just for romantic love either, this is also for friendships. And a person is more than their qualities. If you focus too much on the qualities, you lose sight of the whole person that they are.

Another thing is time. True love will last through time. I think for me I often want to give up because time passes kind of either too slow or too fast for me. In the case of loving Sam it seems to be passing too slow sometimes. And my wise friend today helped me with figuring out that my EXPECTATIONS are something that is causing me pain.

Due to the fact that I EXPECT initiative and equal effort in keeping in touch or whatever, I am actually just hurting myself. For my friend, he does not have ANY expectations when he enters into a relationship/friendship. It is hard to do, but it kind of helps... but it will hurt.

I told my friend I wish I could be like him and learned more about myself and the nature of relationships before I had any boyfriends. But he said, "it depends if you are strong enough". Come to think about it, it is very true. Maybe if I hadn't gone through 5 breakups, I would not be strong enough as I am now. I am still not very strong, but strong in the sense that I can handle waiting on love and handle being single.

Because of these realizations I actually cried a bit but you don't need to worry, I had to. I had to let those tears out. The frustration of not being able to define a friendship/relationship was definitely taking a toll on me. As I said to my friend, I have contemplated cutting off all communication because then I thought it would be easier. But then that would be mean and not giving Sam a chance to know me better... even if it means I don't really get to know him better as quickly as I think he is getting to know me.

Expectations. That's what is bothering me.

I tried to think about this question as I was going home today. Do I really love Sam? My friend had said that you would know in ways that are hard to describe. For sure, I liked the qualities that Sam has. And there are some qualities that I don't like, and Sam knows that. I told Sam that I still loved him anyway, even with his faults, and that I would be glad to help him work on those qualities that aren't quite there yet.

But now that I think of it, I have another question. What if he is never able to work on those qualities I don't like, will I still love him? Maybe I will have to figure that out. I think probably I would still love him but I might have a hard time being his wife for like 55 years and live with the things I don't like. I don't know. I don't have the answer yet...

Another mind-boggling thing is, do I love Sam for just who he is? I told Sam that I did, but now, because he seems so far away and out of touch, I feel like I don't know anymore. I would have to spend more time with him to know. Or do I? As you can see, I'm very confused. But I would say without a doubt, that I truly love Sam. I can tell you that... because...

when I went to Food Basics today, I really missed Sam. And when I was buying shampoo, I made sure it didn't have any scents (he's allergic). I did that without even thinking that maybe he wouldn't even see me or have the chance to smell it anyways...

and because... I think of him every day. When I start thinking about other boys, I feel like I am being unfaithful, even though Sam is not my boyfriend. And when I am sitting in Fantasy Lit class, I think about what Sam would say, how he would have liked this or that story. And as I am writing this, I feel some tears come to my eyes.

because I always wish I could see him. And I know that when I see him, whatever silly or immature thing he does I will not mind. I will just hug him and tell him I really really missed him. And I know that if I had the chance, I would sit at his sermon and listen and smile. And I would be there to support him, if I could.

because if I saw him talking or being with any other girl, I would be a bit jealous. Just a bit. And because whenever I see a sign on Delburn Street with the name "Sam Santino" for a house on sale, I think of him.

So yeah... maybe I love Sam a lot, but I am just doubting myself.

:) I really needed Something Fun

Hey friends, it's 6 minutes till I have to leave my house for school... didn't do the readings for today but... I think I could catch up on the bus :) :P I just felt like saying that I'm doing very well, especially because yesterday I went to Something Fun. That's the name of my new fellowship, I plan to go regularly now. You guys can come join if u want, it's 7pm at my church on Mondays :)

Yeah, I really needed something fun in my week. This bunch of people are definitely really fun. We have Stephanie and Caleb (leaders), Ronson, Xiao, Gloria, Ivy, Barrie, Iven, Faye (new friend!), and Agnes. They are so fun. Made me laugh a lot yesterday and I feel like my stress is lifting up and up and up.

Today I'm meeting with Kev Chan and praying together. I'm confused right now in terms of my feelings so I'm probably gonna talk to him about it. I told Steph my confused state as well, yesterday. And I just want to say this: I HATE HOW SOME ENGLISH LIT MAKES ME THINK OF BAD THOUGHTS! URGH!

But God is faithful and I will keep my eyes on Him. Today I will work on Act Two of the Christmas play I'm helping with for my church and I will also have another student for tutoring at 6pm! :) Hope I can actually help him/her, cuz they are in an "enriched gr. 12 French" program so maybe they are even smarter than me. :P

Looking forward to the 8th letter conference Oct. 1 and 2nd. And the Go Global Expo with Thuy this Sundayyyyy!!!! I keep thinking it's on Saturday, and it is, but I have work Saturday. haha. I think I have another goal to add to my list: To get my brain free from thoughts of boys, and to treat all boys as just friends, and to be once again proud to be single.

Random questions... but kind of important

Why is it that people with bipolar disorder have a higher rate of cheating on their boyfriend or girlfriends? And how can this be prevented? What is cheating? Does it start with a thought, a feeling? What if a bipolar person doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Can he or she still "cheat"? On her or his friends? On God? I know this is bad, but when I say "can he or can she" it's asking is it very possible that they would do that?

Trust me, I kind of googled this and I didn't find a firm answer. Maybe you can give me some advice.

I'm sometimes scared of my own potential to love so quickly, so intensely, so uncontrollably, so freely, and so much.

GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!! TEMPTATIONS!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

It's You I'll live for EVERY DAY!

This song is the song that never ceases to cheer me up! I don't know why I don't sing it more often! :) I led the kids today at church to sing it, and now it's happily stuck in my head! I hope I really do live it out!!! :) I bet you probably never seen a stadium and stage full of such ordinary people jumping up and down for Christ! It's so fun!



Today the sermon was about Faith. I prayed that God would give me a strong, steadfast, secure, sharing, and saving faith that will stand strong throughout suffering :) (Yes, the theme is the letter "S") I pray that I will be standing strong in God every day!

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Trouvé sur facebook:

MC: hein. on peut prier des trucs genre: mon dieu mon dieu pourquoi m'as-tu abandonné ou genre: Dieu pq ce gars là est pas mort ou en train de souffrir ou des trucs comme ça, pas très gentils à prime abord: c'est dans la Bible, duh! pis anyway Jésus a prié pq tu m'as abandonné, quel hérétique hein

MLT: Prier, c'est converser avec Dieu. Et je pense que si quelqu'un veut bien écouter tes états d'âme, c'est bien lui. Mais même si on souffre et que la manière de l'exprimer sort dans des phrases comme ca, il faut se souvenir que la volonté de Dieu doit passer avant tout et que sa volonté souveraine va se réaliser et il y a des bonnes chances qu'il te n'explique pas "pourquoi"!

Martine: *Like* :D

Reasons why I should not be obsessed with a guy

1. I have friends who need me (S, J, M, and J2 for example). I need to focus so that I will remember to check up on them.
2. I have tons of reading to do. No time for depression over a guy.
3. Who cares if I don't get him? There is no marriage in heaven anyway.
4. My health is suffering from stress. And there is no way to control it right now because I'm not focused on the right things.
5. I need time to have fun with other friends who will help me with relieving stress.
6. Why be obsessed with a guy when I can be obsessed with God instead?
7. I don't need a guy. Period. And I will be strong on my own. I owe this to myself. I need to respect myself and stop thinking about guy(s) because if I do I am just underestimating my own self-worth and independence. Vive les femmes! Remember, I am a feminist and I have a right to be alone, single, and proud of it.

And I post this video because it is the reason why I am writing all this!!!!!

A Story of Relaxation

Once upon a time there was a little princess who lived on top of a hill. She didn't live in a palace, only a cozy little cottage-like house made to fit roughly three people, comfortably. The cottage had a straw roof, square windows, and only one floor. It had beige walls, a fireplace inside, and housed the little princess, her parents, and the cat.

This little princess loved to sing and dance. Every morning, after breakfast, she would sing and dance down the hill full of grass, and pick flowers as she pranced along. Her cat would sometimes follow her-- it wasn't one of those lazy cats you see. The little princess would walk down the pathway from the bottom of the hill to the edge of the sea. She would sit on big rocks and breathe in the salty air.

The problem was, the little princess had no friends. You see, this area was beautiful, but empty. There were fields and fields of grass beyond the hill, and miles and miles of ocean on the other side. You probably couldn't find anyone unless you spent a day on horseback to travel to the next town. Since the little princess's parents fished and grew vegetables to sustain their family, there was no need for contact with other countryfolk.

You may ask, why would a king and queen act like farmers and not have any contact with country people? Wouldn't it be strange to rule over a kingdom of no one but your own family? Well. I never said the little princess's parents were king and queen, did I? No, I did not.

You see, this little princess is simply a princess because her parents viewed her as one. She was treated as precious and beautiful, adorable and noble. Of course, she was not spoiled! But she was very well loved.

As I said, this little princess had no friends. Basically, the cat was her best friend. But one day as she was dangling her feet into the ocean water, singing on top of a rock, a voice startled her.

"Hello," said the voice.

She turned around and saw a boy. She had never seen a boy before, but that was who it was. A curious little person with short hair and bony features. He was wearing a rugged T-shirt, and ragged jeans.

"Why, hello," answered the little princess. "Who are you?"

The boy did not answer, but sat down beside her. She stared at him curiously.

"Do you live around here?" asked the little princess.

After a moment of silence, the boy answered, "I'd like to." He picked up a stick and played around with it.

"Would you like to be my friend?" asked the little princess.

The boy smiled at her. "I'll try to come visit every now and then. But I cannot guarantee it."

"Oh, that would be wonderful! Can you please?"

The boy looked out into the ocean. They enjoyed the silence together.

Days passed. Some days, the boy would visit, and other days, he would not. But as time went on, he came less and less. And the little princess would miss him more and more.

One day, the little princess fell very ill and could not go out anymore. She spent weeks in bed, tired and sad. Sometimes she would dream that the little boy would knock on her door to visit. But the boy never came.

I don't know how this story ends. But hopefully it will end well. You probably are looking for a happy ending, but I cannot guarantee that. How about you tell me? What is the ending to this story? Will the little girl get well? Is the boy real? If he is, where did he come from and why is he so mysterious? What is the significance of this story? You tell me.

:)

Review of my School Goals (so far)

It was a couple days since I posted my goals. I want to check to see how well/poorly I am doing. Youpi.

1. Get 85% or above in every course.

I don't think I can know that yet. :P But I'm sort of catching up with reading... barely. Yesterday a box of books came from Amazon.com, and I realized how thick and dense some of these English books are. I think I should aim to read ahead, not simply "catch up" with readings.

2. Going to the gym 2x a week (no excuses, Martine! Dance and fitness!)

I went to the gym once. 20 min of running. I didn't go again because I wasn't feeling that great. But I ran a lot to and from buses!!! :P I guess I'll do some exercise after I finish writing and eating breakfast.

3. Taking my meds and eating/drinking properly.

I didn't take meds yesterday and my excuse was that I wasn't feeling well. How ironic. I also told myself that I don't care and I don't think they work anyway. Typical. I don't know how to reconcile this... But I've been eating and drinking so-so. Yesterday I said that I only ate one slice of pizza for dinner but then afterwards I decided to eat a proper dinner. YAY for health.

4. Don't stress out over little things/get easily angered

Still working on it.

5. Spending time with close friends every week

This week I spent time with May, Walter, Thuy, and Christine. Christine is such a moving speaker. I don't know if I regret or don't regret mentioning that I saw Jong near my church last Sunday cuz she went into a very moving and emotional speech telling me to forget about him and that he's moved on, why he treated me like the way he did before, etc. I kind of wanted to cry when she was telling me all that. I held it inside though, and cried the next morning. I think God is trying to help me get over ALL my exes (I wanted to say evil exes just to sound like Scott Pilgrim movie but no they were not evil) in like one month or something.

6. Spending quiet time with God every day (morning and night, preferably)

Doing pretty good with this one. Thank God! :)

7. When I feel lonely/depressed, immediately read the Bible and/or pray.

Not good. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't and get more depressed.

8. When I have free time, don't go on facebook. (Study or do something else productive)

The problem with this one is that when I'm lonely, I cannot study or do anything else productive. Then I use facebook as a means to cheer myself up cuz then I can learn about what's going on in other ppl's lives, talk to others, feel connected to others somehow. But it is definitely still not that great, cuz my readings will one day depress me if I don't do anything about it. And I lose track of what's very urgent, such as sending Steph Act One of the Christmas Play.

Facebook only used when I MUST contact someone through that means. If I want to share something, share on my blog cuz then it's less distracting.

As you can see, I probably spend WAY too much time on my blog. I just have so much to tell, and I love to write. This is what happens when you can't see your best friends very often.

9. Don't become workaholic.

I don't know, am I being workaholic this week? Probably not. But I might become one next week if I'm not careful.

10. Spend time with my son, Fuzzy. And write to my daughter in Uganda, Grace.

I haven't written to Grace yet because I need to find a good card to give her. But I should really speed that up. Fuzzy is doing well, been spending time with him. He's like a little grizzly bear now. HA. Not really, but he is pretty brown and furry. And getting bigger. He's running around behind me as I write this.

11. Walk slower. Try not to rush!

yeah... i only rushed when i was kind of getting late. But otherwise i think im slower now.

12. Save MONEY! No unnecessary snacks, esp. popcorn and chips. SPC Mastercard must only be used if I really need the item (e.g. pet food) and NOT for the sake of the deal. :P Remember, I owe OSAP roughly 20 000 dollars after this year is done.

I just received my second Mastercard in the mail. :O well, u gotta understand that... this Mastercard is a CASHBACK Mastercard so if i happen to keep using this one, instead of my other one, then eventually i will actually get some money back for free if i use this for essential items... yes... IF...

On a more serious note, I still had to buy extra food due to lack of energy and a bit of depression. But not that much.

13. When I feel unluckier than the number 13, count my blessings and just smile and thank God :D

I didn't feel unlucky. Just sad. I guess I should change this goal to when I feel sadder than the number 13.

Inspiring song that refocused my heart...

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

And I will live
To carry on compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see your world be changed
By the power of Your name
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be

Thank God tomorrow's Saturday (TGTS)

I should thank God that today is Friday but at the same time, I thank God even more for Saturday. Today is a bit of a crazy day. I mean, usually, Fridays are more chillax at the library here where I work, but until now it was craziness. Right now I have a breather.

First of all, it's the first week of school and everyone wants to know where the Registrar is, how to find books, how to find course reserves, how to get wireless internet, etc. And I am very happy to help them, it's just a bit hectic. Second of all, there was a fire drill today, and it was kind of epic in the sense that my supervisor said over the intercom

--
(finished this post much later on at 9:20 ish because of busyness at library)

She said over the intercom in a very robot-in-movie voice: The library is now evacuating. Please exit through the front doors. And we see an epic sea of people making their way very obediently out the doors. WOW. Never seen so many people in the library on a Friday afternoon. Let alone an exodus of like 200 of them with my supervisor's powerful command.

I'm at home now, finished crying a bit (yes, I hold a lot inside, have to cry it out sometimes) and I plan to go to sleep early tonight. I don't feel like reading but I guess I will try to read the Bible and one horror story (yes it is required reading from a Fantasy Literature course) before I go to sleep. I feel kind of lonely and yes I know God is with me but I feel lonely for another reason... I don't really feel hungry even though I ate one slice of pizza for dinner. It's ok. Don't worry about me. :)

I can't wait till Women's Group and Discipleship Group starts at church. Then I can have something to fill my extra time? Or maybe this loneliness is inevitable. Maybe I have to endure this to remember to always look back to God for help.

10 Ultimate Ways to Relax

I write this list for myself but maybe some of you will find it helpful too. Honestly, I have trouble relaxing.

1. Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds (don't count too fast! regular seconds...), breathe out in the same way for 4 seconds. Try to extend it to 8 seconds each or longer. Takes concentration... and remember to relax! Don't tense up! (OMGOSH this is SO hard, I can only do 4 seconds right now cuz im SO STRESSED)
2. Think of the funniest and kindest person/people in your life. Think about what they would say or do to make you laugh. Then laugh!
3. Think of yourself as the craziest-funniest person in the world. Think about how you would overkill a karaoke song that's already cliche, a song like "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston and do some crazy weird actions to impress people with your funniness.
4. Imagine all the things that annoy you or worry you are being put into a box, one by one (theoretically). Imagine yourself locking up the box, and putting the box out to sea to float away. It is floating far far away, and you are just sitting by the seashore enjoying the beautiful view. No need to worry anymore!
5. Imagine you are holding a bunch of helium balloons with your favourite colours. As you are holding on, they slowly lift you up. You think this is so fun. All the weight that is on your shoulders drop down to the ground below you. You are floating and seeing all the beautiful places in the world you always wanted to see. Ah, how pretty and relaxing!
6. Practice saying this tongue twister joke laughy thingy: Martine micked a meck of mickled meppers. How many mickled meppers did Martine mick? If Martine had a mozen mickled meppers, would she even moh mow many mickled meppers Martine mad micked? MO!
   
7. Go on google Images and search "funny cute guinea pigs". Remember, don't change this wording. Otherwise you may see some gruesome guinea pigs :S ew.
8. IMAGINE MARTINE STANDING ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN AND SAYING "YODLE LE HEE HOOO!!!! [insert your name here] IS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND I WANT THE WHOOOOLLLEE WORLD TO KNOW THAT!!!! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!"
9. Go on youtube and listen to "Ave Maria". Close your eyes and imagine something divine. I like to imagine the Virgin Mary's face looking on me with care, even though I'm not Catholic, because this song was written about her and I see her as a role model in some ways... even though I'm not a technical virgin anymore but yes I am pure through Jesus Christ :)
10. Exercise!!!! Stretching, dancing, swimming, singing, jogging... and remember to listen to music you like to accompany it! :D

YAY! I'm relaxed! At least for now :( at home it's inevitable that I will get stressed again 5 min after doing these 10 exercises. OH MY GOSH ARRRRGHHHGHGHHGHGHHG Here is some of my favourite music to try and relax again...

Stress causes health problems

Hello friends. Today I am feeling this awkward feeling that I hope you can pray for me about. This awkward feeling is caused by stress, and I don't even know what I am stressed about. I think living at home causes a state of almost constant stress for me, so when I'm at school the stress stays there and manifests in bodily functions. *sigh*

I feel tense and I try to relax but I cannot cuz I'm worried that I am tensing myself. It's like a vicious cycle. Nothing really helps right now. Cuz I'm basically sitting back in a comfortable computer lab chair just writing on this blog. I don't have any more classes to go to. I just have work at 4:30. So why am I stressed? I think I'm stressed because I am thinking about stress. Let me think about something else.

(one minute later) I can't think of anything to think about. But I got "Just the way you are" stuck in my head, except it's playing at a faster speed than normal. I actually don't like that song that much. It would have been ok if this song wasn't so superficial. I mean, if you take a look at the lyrics, this singer is not saying that he loves the girl just the way she is. He is saying that her looks are perfect just the way it is. Are looks everything? NO.

Yay. I'm on a rant. Or not. Today I washed my hair and my sister says it looks good but honestly, my bangs are getting long and falling on my face. I like to think of myself as a "female Eugene". You see.... :D hehehe there's this Christian cartoon video series called "The Odyssey". I used to watch it at church when I was little, before I was introduced to Veggie Tales (another series).

In the Odyssey there are three main characters (four if you count the dog). One is Mr. Whittaker, one is this boy Dylan (correct me if I got his name wrong), and one is Eugene. Eugene's a funny guy for the simple fact that his bangs cover his eyes, but he still wears glasses over his bangs. He looks like this:

http://www.odysseyscoop.com/images/interviews/img-eugene-computer.gif


And he is a very silly character. I think I like silly things :D as long as they are not the bad kind of silly that is like doing illegal stuff like jumping off an electric dam in the middle of a thunderstorm cuz you wanted to go fishing in the middle of the night. :D

So yeah. I think I look like a female Eugene sometimes hahhahaha

Laughing is a good medicine to get rid of stress :D

Another thing I like is big silly dogs with their tongues hanging out. The type of dog you saw in "Up" ...

http://www.shockya.com/news/wp-content/uploads/up_dog_poster5.jpg

Can someone teach me how to embed images??


It's ok. I figured it out :D hahahhahaha

I need to find ways of cheering myself up, you know, to loosen up and laugh. HAHAHA you know what I did on the bus today? The 38 bus was dead quiet. I wanted to sing but obviously it would be weird! Shouldn't all bus people be allowed to sing out loud, like a choir? It would be fun wouldn't it? Well... bcause I could not do that... this is what I did.

I invented a game. Do you know the game "Honey I love you will you please please smile?" Well basically it's a game where you sit in a circle and someone in the middle of the circle goes around asking that question. Ppl are supposed to keep a straight face, not laugh or smile. In fact, they are supposed to respond, "Honey, i love you but i just cant smile."

I don't like that game because it encourages flirting, especially if you play it at Teens Conference. Plus, last time we suggested it to those teens, they were like NOOOO ew we don't wanna play that game!!!! So I invented a new game!

It's called... "Honey, I hate you, will you please please smile?" I thought this was hilarious as I smiled to myself on the bus. And I'm kind of laughing out loud a bit as I type this in a dead quiet computer lab. ahhaha

Basically my game isn't supposed to make sense. That's what is supposed to make people laugh. The person in the middle will say that line, and then the ppl are supposed to respond "Honey, I hate you too. But I just can't smile" Don't u think this is hilarious? maybe not? ok. fine. At least it doesnt encourage flirting ok?

I think there should be another game EVERYONE should play. It's called "Make Martine Laugh". If everyone played this game, I would be cured from depression and I would have great abs. I swear! This game is fun too! Because when I laugh, it's contagious, you will laugh too! Then YOU will get great abs! Isn't that a good deal? AW come ON!

:D

Bonjour, amis de Montréal / Chicoutimi!!!

Apprendre les langues, c'est très utile. Quand tu sais que personne autour de toi sait parler français, tu peux parler avec ton ami(e) francophone et personne peut savoir ce que tu dises. Aussi, il y a des choses qu'on peut exprimer en français qu'on peut pas exprimer en anglais de la même façon. Des blagues, des expressions, des métaphores, etc.

Aujourd'hui, j'ai envie de parler français. À l'université je n'ai que deux cours d'anglais et un cours de psychologie ce semestre. Le semestre prochain c'est quand j'aurai deux cours de français (la culture québécoise ET Le roman contemporain québécois)... (haha Matthieu va sauter de joie)

Donc, la seule façon de pratiquer c'est avec mes amis du Québec (LA BELLE PROVINCE! SHOUT OUT TO ANDREW AND MATTHIEU) sur msn ou facebook, ou bien avec mon élève (je suis tutrice de français)... mais ça fait pas de sens si je ne pratique qu'avec lui.

Désolée, mes amis anglophones qui lisent ce blog (VERY SORRY MY ENGLISH-SPEAKING FRIENDS!) mais vous pouvez peut-être utiliser Google Translator (pas Babel Fish SVP!) pour traduire mes postes. (HOPE YOU GUYS CAN LEARN FRENCH, MY HEART LANGUAGE!)

Aujourd'hui j'ai presque fini de lire le livre "I kissed dating goodbye" par Josh Harris. Les francophones, est-ce qu'ils connaissent ce livre? C'est un livre chrétien. Très bon. Et ben... j'ai réalisé que je ne suis pas du tout prête pour le mariage et donc pas prête pour être en couple. Je dois encore *muire* (mature?) émotionellement et spirituellement. En plus, j'ai pas l'argent, je dois 20000 dollars à OSAP, je ne sais pas bien cuisiner et je ne sais pas si Dieu veut que je reste célibataire pour être une pasteure plus efficace (?).

Josh Harris a bien écrit ce livre. J'aurais dû le lire en 9e année, j'aurais pu éviter au moins 3 de mes anciens chums. Tant pis pour moi. Ce livre m'a rappelé que je dois "set my standards high". Quand je vois mes amies avec des boyfriends qui sont pas gentils ou qui ont l'air LOSER ou qui ne sont pas polis etc.... je suis souvent un peu dégoûtée et je regrette que mes amis ont "sold themselves short". Mais quand je regarde ma propre vie, c'est la même chose. En fait, j'ai "sold myself short" et j'ai "settled for less" trop de fois.

Alors, plus de ça! *fait un grand mouvement avec son bras horizontalement*

Je soupire seulement parce que j'aime quelqu'un à ce moment-là (ah oui Martine aime un autre garçon, quoi de neuf?)...mais je ne pense pas qu'il *match* les critères d'un gars mûr. Soupir. C'est dommage, cette génération! Ou donc sont tous les gars mûrs!!!!???? (et je prêche au chorale parce que si tu lis ça, et t'es un gars, c'est parce que je te fais confiance, donc tu es assez mûr mais malheureusement tu fais partie de la minorité)

Demain je dois me lever tôt alors bonne nuit mes amis... Bisous et toutous! Que Dieu vous bénissez toujours!

Goals for the school year 2010-2011

1. Get 85% or above in every course. (Aim high, and you'll land among the stars!)
2. Going to the gym 2x a week (no excuses, Martine! Dance and fitness!)
3. Taking my meds and eating/drinking properly.
   
4. Don't stress out over little things/get easily angered
5. Spending time with close friends every week
6. Spending quiet time with God every day (morning and night, preferably)
   
7. When I feel lonely/depressed, immediately read the Bible and/or pray.
8. When I have free time, don't go on facebook. (Study or do something else productive) Facebook only used when I MUST contact someone through that means. If I want to share something, share on my blog cuz then it's less distracting.
9. Don't become workaholic. (i.e. Don't take on more than one extra library shift per week, and only if it is not an evening shift & during a convenient time, Don't work at tutoring more than 2 evenings a week, and Don't add any more ministry opportunities until you are finished all you have already)
10. Spend time with my son, Fuzzy. And write to my daughter in Uganda, Grace.
11. Walk slower. Try not to rush!
    
12. Save MONEY! No unnecessary snacks, esp. popcorn and chips. SPC Mastercard must only be used if I really need the item (e.g. pet food) and NOT for the sake of the deal. :P Remember, I owe OSAP roughly 20 000 dollars after this year is done.
    
13. When I feel unluckier than the number 13, count my blessings and just smile and thank God :D

YAY 13 GOALS. I'M SO LUCKY/BLESSED! :D
---
BTW comments should now be enabled for you guys. You just need to register a username I think. Comment and let me know if it works properly! :D COMMENT AWAYYYYY :D

3rd blog post during the same day... *sigh*

I must be becoming a young Albert Kong. (Albert knows what I mean) Seriously... I never intended to post a 3rd post today. But I just feel empty right now. I feel like a tree trunk whose inside got scooped out to make a canoe or to help boil water to make maple syrup for the native americans. I honestly feel so empty. And I just finished reading 1 Peter 3 to try and find some comfort. Although the context doesn't have to do with what I am dealing with (honestly I don't even know what I'm dealing with exactly), I know that it is normal to suffer for doing good. When you give of yourself, you are bound to become empty at some point in time, until someone's encouragement or help fills you up.

^{1 Peter 3:17}
It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

I'm feeling empty in a sad kind of empty. Maybe I need more sleep, true, but I also feel empty nonetheless. I pray the Holy Spirit fill me once again.

It's weird. I can never fully let go of the past cuz it comes back to "haunt" me. Just last Sunday (yesterday) when Clement and I walked out of the church to go to lunch with the other ppl, I saw Jong and his girlfriend walk by on the sidewalk. Strange. Seeing my 2nd ex with his girlfriend after I switched church because of my 5th ex. He waved with a Jong-curious face (as he usually does when he sees me) and his girlfriend stared at me like I was some weird stranger. I don't know whether to dislike Jong or what. But I prayed for him. I hope he was around the area because he went to Young Nak Korean church. He said to me 2.5 years ago that if he really followed God he would have become a pastor. Anyways, God be the judge.

And today, before going to tutoring, I dropped by T and T. I didn't realize that going to T and T would make me think of Adrian and how we used to grocery shop for church or for snacks. It gave me a sad yet bittersweet feeling that I just wanted to shake off. I think what I miss most about Adrian is having a best friend to partner in ministry with and just share everything with. Oh dang no please don't tear up, Martine.

Tutoring was my pride and joy today, actually. Aaron is a very nice guy, kind of quiet sometimes but yeah reminds me of Josh C and honestly this gr. 12 guy is pretty smart, he just a bit of help and encouragement. :) I enjoy the book he's reading for French too. :) After I left tutoring I was just bouncing and enjoying the sunshine...

Yeah. I feel a bit better now. Thank you, blog. And thank you, blog readers. Thanks, HS for filling me up :) And thank you, all 5 exes, for teaching me something and being a part of my life, as crappy as those parts ended up... there is always a silver lining in every dark cloud...

I'll post this song just because I like it (no significance really in my life, but it makes me feel touched in a funny kind of way):

My first day of school *giddiness*

Hello friends!

You are probably wondering why I'm not in a line at the bookstore (man, that line is long!) or why I am not in class... Well let me tell you about my day...

I woke up at 5am ish, as I said in my previous blog post (don't worry I won't always post 2x a day, there's such a thing as homework!) but I didn't leave the house till roughly 9:20am. Cuz my class starts at 10:30am... Lo and behold there was like 69 people at the bus stop at STC waiting for the 38 bus... and 85% were probably from my school.

And when the bus came, it said Detour on Route, due to an accident at Markham and Ellesmere (horrible! http://www.insidetoronto.com/news/local/article/872751--man-injured-in-accident) The detour took us into a very small road with lots and lots of buses and cars. We were moving like snails and I was wondering if I should just get off the bus and walk to school, maybe it would've been faster.

Turns out after we got out of the detour, I came to school right on time. Right on the dot! As I ran up the stairs to meet my friends Walter and May, I yelled "YES! I'M NOT LATE FOR THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS!" I'm pretty sure I got a few stares but really, May is the one who deserves the stares (kind ones) because of her beautiful funky outfit (she had a headband that looked like a helicopter thing and a very nice white poofy dress).

The prof was late because of the jam too, even worse cuz she took 2.5 hours on the TTC. She's a VERY GOOD prof. Fantasy and the Fantastic in Literature is gonna be my favourite course!!!! We get a movie day for "Howl's moving castle" (anime) and maybe even a trip to "Wicked" (musical)!!!! *GASP* I so want to invite more ppl who are not in this course! Someone reading this knows who I'm talking about!!!

As you can probably tell, I am getting more and more hyper as the weeks progress. Walter noticed this already. I can thank my friends May and Sam for being there to encourage free-flowing thoughts and giddiness, as well as hyperness and cheerfulness :) Brings back Men's Group memories. :) Yes, I was part of a Men's group (ETCBC) and no I'm not trans.

Ok so after lunch, I was expecting to go to my 1-3pm Psychology C.S.I. class but two people came in saying that the class was cancelled, the prof couldn't make it... etc. etc. So I ended up going to the gym cuz I found out they have a NEW LYRICAL JAZZ DANCE CLASS!!!! Yes, the two dances that I ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, COMBINED!

20 BUCKS for the semester. Although it is 5 dollars more expensive than last year's classes in general, I think it's worth it. I really have to thank God cuz it fits right into my schedule at a convenient time, and this class is just the best gift anyone could give me. Dance is one of my biggest passions. And normally, out there in the "real world", classes are at least 15 dollars PER WEEK.

*sigh* On a more serious note... I hope that person who got hit will survive and be ok. And I hope that serious letter I sent this morning to an old friend of mine will be taken well. It's a friendship that I hope will be renewed, but at the same time, I've been hurt too many times... just like an on and off gf/bf relationship....*sigh*

And I hope tonight's tutoring goes well... tomorrow I'm keeping myself busy by taking Steph's shift at the library from 1-5pm... Lots of reading to do as well for my English courses! Speaking of reading, maybe I should do some right now... save time... God bless you all!

Thank You God for a wonderful day so far! :D
---
(ADDED SECONDS LATER...)

And I just found out my friend Kevin Wang and I got quoted in The Varsity newspaper!!!! Thanks Dylan for writing the article!

http://thevarsity.ca/articles/32380

First Day of School & a Weird Dream

I woke up to a very weird dream. I don't even want to describe all that happened in this dream but it involves some of my close friends. We were on a retreat and things went wrong/weird. In the dream, some stuff got published through CBC News and it was very awful. Awful, awful. It was the freakiest retreat you could ever go on. Basically. The interesting thing was... Edwin was organizing the retreat. But Edwin is a great leader in real life, no worries ETCBC ppl!

Today is my first day of school and I woke up early. Guess it's a good thing. Must fill my mind with more positive stuff. My first class is "Fantasy and Fantastic in Literature". As long as we don't dwell on characters like Gollum I think I'm okay. Fill my mind with something fantastic :)

Then, I have Psychology and the Law. I don't even know what textbook to get, the prof didn't post it up. I hope the prof is a good one. Cuz last year's prof was apparently really interesting. This course was like a Psychology C.S.I. :) haha

And then, tutoring. I feel like my French could be so much better. This student is in gr. 12 Core and he's learning stuff I learned in university fourth year. Can you believe it? York Region is so much more advanced than TDSB... Sigh... I hope this student likes my teaching and that it actually helps him a lot. :S

I'm very happy to say that I'm getting involved with the drama team at GCGC. :) Not as an actress (no time or brain power to memorize lines and practice with the team... unfortunately) but as a writer. I had always wanted to do that for ETCBC but never really did. So I'm glad God gave me the opportunity here.

When I came downstairs to take my meds (yes, I forgot to take them last night, maybe that explains what weird things went on in my mind! and how hyper I was yesterday!) this morning, I found Fuzzy already awake at like 5am making guinea pig noises. He should have been sleeping... He's still standing in the litter box chirping a bit right now.

I realize that I really do need my medicine. When I don't take it, my mind is fired up and going nonstop, and I'm more tense, nervous, excited, and hyper at the same time. That's part of mania. And I will tend to be more impulsive with feelings and act a bit more flirty (NO MARTINE NO!). But don't worry. I didn't do anything stupid yesterday. I was aware of myself. I was just louder and sillier than usual. :P

Plus, when I don't take my medicine, I can't fall asleep very well. I start thinking excitedly about many things in my life. And I start imagining ideas and things I could do in the future, things that may not even possibly happen. That's part of mania too. Take it easy, Martine!

I'm okay now. I think after I came back home yesterday, I channeled my energy into writing for the drama team. And the energy I had last night is going to dissipate when this medicine kicks in. God bless you and have a great day!

Happy again!!!

Dear all,

thanks for all those who were praying and thinking of me... I'm sorry if I worried you guys in the last few posts. I tend to be very open with my feelings, sometimes it just comes out so raw it worries people. But yeah, I feel a WHOLE lot better now. And I know this peace will stay if I keep looking on the bright side and keep finding peace in God's word.

It's not a coincidence that after I prayed that prayer last post, shared everything I had on my heart, poured it all out, and I randomly opened up my Bible to John chapter 14 and 15 that I found this satisfaction and peace and joy that I cannot cannot explain. Yes, run on sentence.

In any case, here is what I read:

^{John 14: 27}
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Just before I read the Bible I found out with the help of a friend that I had trouble forgiving myself, because I have trouble believing that such a Holy God would see me as a completely blank slate. I see this verse as a reminder that God does not see me as the world does. He gives peace to me, He gives forgiveness to me as no one else will. And from this promise I can learn to see myself as completely forgiven, and be able to keep moving on.

Also, my heart is often troubled or afraid. Somehow when I read this verse it was as if Jesus was speaking to me directly, telling me I should not be afraid. I actually felt very comforted...

Jesus continues:

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

¹"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

⁹"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. ¹¹I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ¹⁷This is my command: Love each other.

---
Do you feel this Bible passage speaking to you? God speaks to everyone differently, maybe He will speak to you through a friend, when you're flipping through the Bible, or with music. In any case, He spoke to me through this passage yesterday.

I feel joy, peace, and love after reading this. I know I'm forgiven because of the word spoken to me... I'm so glad I found this! The stressful time is only a time of pruning. I will soon bear much fruit if I continue to remain in Him and love others :D And I trust that as I delight in the Lord, Jesus will grant my deepest desires... and He alone knows them.

<3 hehehe :D THANK YOU GOD!!!!

God, please help me to see myself the way You would.
Please clear my mind and heal my heart.
God, with You everything is possible,
please help me to believe that my sins can be totally erased.
God, if You were willing to die for me,
please give me the courage to live for You.
And God, help me to hold on to Your Word every day...
And not believe the lies that chain me...

Please help me, God...

I'm living in a box.

No, I didn't become homeless. But I feel like I'm living inside a box... I can only see what's going on inside my head. I only worry and pray about things that concern me. If I try to peek outside this box, I will realize that there is a family who just lost a mother. They need my prayers. If I reach beyond my box, I will see that Pakistan is flooded and needs prayers too. I will see that I have two friends who are going through very difficult struggles and they need my friendship.

I need to stop being obsessed by what I want. I need to stop thinking about my own family struggles. There's a lot of work that needs to be done. God has a job for me to do. I cannot forsake that. My job is not to dwell on my stupid obsessive emotions, it is to walk out of that stuffy box and do what I was meant for. Standing up for others, standing up for God.

Stop crouching in there, Martine, you don't belong in a box. The more you stay in the box, the more you will depress yourself.

Why are you so afraid, Martine? Why are you afraid of what people think of you? Don't you know your worth comes from God? Stand tall and remember that you are free. Remember that life is still worth living, and there's a beautiful world out there waiting for you to discover.

Who cares if you don't have privacy? Privacy is subjective. Let the world poke at you, let your family poke at you, it doesn't matter, cuz Jesus got poked by a spear for God's sake. He got no privacy, he didn't even have underwear on at the cross. And you're complaining about YOUR privacy, Martine?

Martine, the world is bigger than you and me (aka you). Start praying, start fighting. This war is not only in your head, it is in the spiritual world. You get up and put on the armor of God. Don't you dare look back. Don't you dare put your hand to the plow and look back, honey you gotta have the will to fight this year.

Be brave, Martine. Be strong. Your friends are there for you, what are you afraid of? Losing someone?

Yes, I'm afraid of losing someone. I already lost a lot of things this year. I lost my virginity, I lost my dignity, I lost my church family at ETCBC, I lost a lot of things. I lost my mind. I lost my job. I lost some friends. Thank God I still have some but it's hard. I lost my best friend Adrian and when I found a new best friend I lost him too. Well I haven't completely lost him but I lost the closeness and freedom we once had. I lost privacy. My parents can read this anytime, in fact my mom is right beside me right now and it stresses the hell out of me.

I lost my reputation at school. I know, shouldn't be that important right? Wrong. I had a good reputation, which led to being a good witness. Now, I am scared whenever I go into the Student Centre and see people I know. Yes, I live in paralysis, basically.

I wish I was as strong as you, Strong-Voice Martine. I wish honestly that I can just forget the past and move on. But they say that the past shapes who you are, good or bad. I think right now I'm just struggling to get the past to shape me into a better person. It's instead making me into a scared person. I'm scared to share things too. Because after sharing so much, people start to not believe you anymore. They see me for what happened, and they won't believe what I say.

when I say I think i've finally found the one now, they will not believe me. They don't believe me because i've already had 5 boyfriends, so this one won't be any different, is what they will believe.

This is what I mean when I say I regret. I wish I could say I don't regret, but I do.

They see how I used to be so pure, so innocent, and then they will look at what happened with Adrian and see that I was such a hypocrite. They will remember all those advice I gave them, and wonder why I didn't follow my own advice. dammit.

More than anything I need encouragement. I need people to tell me those advice I used to tell them. cuz when I talk to myself I just become crazy. I don't have the ability to encourage myself. The Bible helps but I often forget. So I need all of you, okay?

<3 Hold me now, touch me now, I don't want to live without you...

:( no privacy ever

Back to work!!!

Hello friends!

If you haven't heard already, I'm feeling a whole lot better than a couple days ago. After some time of suffering, God can make us into happier, better, and more mature people. I feel at peace with being single, although I still love Sam :) but thank God, I can still be his friend.

He's doing an internship at RHCCC (Richmond Hill Chinese Community Church) so I don't know when is the next time I can see him. But we will be fine. :)

Today I feel like getting back to work. Well, in fact, I am starting today at my new tutoring centre job. I cannot do home tutoring anymore, it stresses me out going from place to place. Hopefully this way I can feel more stable and also earn more money! I miss Josh Chan though, the guy I used to tutor at his home. I plan to call him up for ice cream or something for this weekend. :D

There's so much to do... I have to make sure this year I'm not putting classes on the back burner. I am already figuring out what books I need :) and getting them early :D But there are A LOT of books to read (2 English courses and 1 Psychology course) and with my 2 jobs (library and tutoring) and church stuff... I might just be a little pressed for time. Nothing new, haha. Martine the crazy one!

The important thing is to be organized and not to stress out. To enjoy whatever I'm doing. Enjoy school, work, volunteering, traveling on the TTC, and make the most out of my time.

I'm still looking forward to Christmas though.

Hi friends,

Yes, my life is very confusing right now so those of you who just joined the blog (Albert, Fiona, Imelda, Julie, Alcina) you guys must be kind of confused... I enabled comments now that this blog is not gonna get hacked or stormed by troublemaker commenters, so feel free to ask me any questions or comment on anything I wrote that was confusing.

Yesterday was my last singing lesson (I had 4 in total). So sad. The teacher was great but next semester will be super busy and I am kind of getting poor. Singing lessons cost like 40 bucks per half hour, and the registration fee was like 80 bucks. :P yikes.

This afternoon I'm gonna go to the doctor to see why my immune system is low, and also I have a job interview in the afternoon for a tutoring centre. :D I'm still working at the library this upcoming semester, so that will keep me busy every day. I know, I shall be careful not to overwork myself. But right now I'm more concerned about finances. Guinea pig costs a lot to maintain, and I still have to save up for Bible seminary.

So I'm gonna be taking 3 courses per semester, with the library job and the tutoring job :) And I'm going to be part of a women's group at my church that meets 2x a month... and trying to decide if I should join a discipleship group threesome (they have this thing at my new church where three girls can meet together once a week to keep each other accountable and pray for each other).

I know, still sounds like a lot. But at school I will just mainly be studying, not really leader in any club or whatever anymore. And the kids at church? well, they shouldn't be too hard to handle but please pray for more helpers... I don't know how many teachers we have but I'm one of the gr. 1/2 teachers and not sure who is my helper!!!

:P

These days I've been floating around in a dazed, weak mode unless when I'm with friends. I don't know why I feel so weak. Could be cuz I miss Sam Sham, could be my iron deficiency anemia (don't worry i'm taking iron supplements so it should be ok) or it could be just not enough exercise... in any case I feel too weak to do exercise sometimes... doesn't help, does it?

I'm thinking about whether I should go to Quebec next year, as in, move there for work. I don't know what I would work as, but I could possibly do a "stage" (internship, that's the French word) in a Christian organization or work as something random like at Second Cup, just so that I could learn more French and still maintain a steady income. I don't know, honestly. But I was thinking of that.

Cuz my mom says I need more work experience before I go to Tyndale. If this is really what I should do, then I don't want to stay in Toronto. It's so depressing. I want to experience living on my own and being in an environment that doesn't waste my skills. Sigh sigh sigh!

Martine

Sigh. I decided to block Sam from my facebook... I'm just too obsessed with him, I better focus on better things and also, this way, he doesn't get tempted to check out my facebook so much. Cuz I post stuff nonstop on facebook with him in mind. It will only make him confused and unfocused... he wanted time to pray and fast, and think about what he should do about me and my parents.

I know it's weird for me to say this, the girl who had 5 exes... but... I think Sam is the perfect guy for me, and I hope he will end up to be the one I am with the rest of my life. Sam Sham ok? Not another Sam.

When I look beyond the surface...

This morning something happened and I cried my head off, cried so much it was exhausting, my shoulders actually felt tired and I lay in bed so long listening to Taylor Swift. This is more than just about me and Sam. This is more than just me and my rents. (codename for two people just add "pa" to the front) It's a spiritual battle.

How do I know it was a spiritual battle? Because when I was so down, I felt like I didn't have the strength to open up the Bible, I felt like I didn't care about being a pastor anymore I just wanted to die and forget about this stupid world. I didn't care if I lied anymore, I just wanted to feel better.

I texted a bunch of people for prayers, and I'm pretty sure I sounded so depressed, crazy and angry. I probably sounded like someone ranting inside a jail cell. Anyway, at least I got people to pray for me and now I feel better. Especially after DA gave me a text message back telling me some good encouragements.

She recommended that I read up or listen to Joyce Meyer, who is a Christian lady who went thru sexual abuse and divorce. Now she is a well known speaker for women and reaches millions of people. She grew a lot out of it. In my text I said I wasn't growing, it was just unnecessary suffering but after crying it all out and seeing DA's text, I feel like she is right.

I feel that I CAN grow more mature out of this, I just can't see it happening right now. And DA also encouraged me with the fact that the devil tries to take down those who are serving God the most. Those who are trying to wreck Satan's plan.

Excuse my language but I feel like telling Satan to fuck off. I don't know if it's a sin in itself to say that but it's kind of like Jesus saying "Get behind me, Satan!" but in a modern day language hahaha.

Anyway, seeing the bigger picture helps me. I know now that I am not fighting against my rents. Satan is just trying to use my rents bad moods/words to hurt me and make me not wanna serve God anymore. I need to look on the positive side and keep pressing on. Keep reading the Bible to see the greater picture beyond what is visible to our physical eyes.

Ephesians 6

The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.