God's miracle for me this week...

Remember how I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder officially last week? And remember the quote I put up last post? Well, the most amazing thing happened. Yesterday, at counselling, I brought the library book that I found the quote in to show to my counsellor, Juan. Before I even showed her the quote, she said that she just remembered, there was a speaker coming in next week, and she has bipolar. I was like, cool, I wanna go! It's going to be next Thursday at UTSC.

Then she looked up the website and guess who the speaker was! Kay Jamison! The lady who wrote the quote that inspired me! (see last post) I was SO happy, because this was like the perfect timing that she brought this up, right after I got diagnosed and right before the event. If I had been diagnosed later, I would not have known. Had I skipped counselling yesterday, I would not have known. And what kind of interesting circumstance that the quote I JUST read from the FIRST library book I picked up from the library, was Kay Jamison's, and she is coming ALL the way from John Hopkins University (from the US) to speak at UTSC next week!!!!

After counselling, I went down to Student Affairs to get a ticket. But the event was sold out! So I begged the secretary and she said I could talk to Drew Dudley. Drew said I could get into the event, because I explained my situation and he thought I could really benefit from the event. I also wanted to just thank Kay Jamison. Then Drew opened up and told me he had bipolar. Drew, that I've known for 3 years (he helps clubs a lot, part of Student Affairs job). He shared his experiences with me and also said that he wanted to share it to the school but he wasn't sure how (so that's why I know he doesn't mind me talking about this here). He reassured me that the medicine for bipolar works well and he has felt no side effects.

WOW! Now I know that someone I know has bipolar! It really helps to have someone understand. It was a great talk. He even said he would help me enter into the book draw, but he said not to tell anyone I got an extra ticket (hey, don't tell anyone okay?) in case other people also want to get in and want to be an exception like me.

I found out Kay Jamison wrote two books describing her experience with bipolar. She is a top researcher, very successful, so it is inspiring to know that bipolar will not make you in any way weaker or dumber or whatnot. I want to buy her books and let her autograph them :-)

Anyway, that's my sharing for today. If this doesn't show God taking care of me and having a plan for me, I don't know what does.

:-) The Starfield concert was great yesterday night too. I felt reminder's of God's presence as a Loving Father, and I was happy to see that Adrian found the concert alright too. Starfield is so genuine and talented, sharing their gifts for God. I got a CD and a poster (now up on my bedroom wall, scribbled with some of the song lyrics to remind myself of God's calling).

I also started researching seminaries. I think Tyndale is the most suitable one so far. :-) I plan to visit the campus with Pierce soon.

Martine

More deeply...

Recently I have been ordering books from the library (free service) about bipolar disorder. There was this one quote I found that made me feel really good to be bipolar. Surprising that a mental disorder can actually be an advantage, eh? Karissa told me also that a handicap can be a blessing in disguise. You can see things uniquely. And for me, more deeply. Here is the quote, from Kay Jamison:

I honestly believe that as a result of it (bipolar disorder) I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more... seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through.... But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know.... It has made me test the limits of my mind. Extremes of emotions are a gift-- the capacity to be passionately involved in life, to care deeply about things, to feel hurt; a lot of people don't have that. It's the transition in and out of the highs and lows, the constant contrast, that fosters creativity.

When I read this quote, I was like... WOW, that's SO me! It's so beautifully put... It's true, I have loved faster, and more deeply, and hurt more deeply too, but I guess it was all worth it. And through my troubles I have learned what loyalty means, because I know who my real friends are after I go through a very emotional (sometimes angry) time. My family also has stuck by me, and so I know what caring and patience really is.

And I know now that having my mental disorders is actually a blessing because I can understand others better when they are going through hard times. Already in this month I've had two friends who shall remain unnamed come up to me and share their psychological troubles. It helps for them to feel like someone understands. When I was going through my crap at first, there was no one who understood. That's why I felt so happy when I met a girl who told me she had depression. I was reluctant to open up but after I told her I was depressed, she opened up too.

So you see, when you open up your heart, others will also open up. If you close your heart, others will close theirs!!

For people who haven't met Mr. or Ms. Right!

I feel that the lyrics of this song, "Haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble is very encouraging, it kind of reflects how I felt after so many broken hearts. But now I finally "found" Adrian! So don't give up hope! Listen to this song, it is so uplifting and hopeful!

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

My Sharing

Tonight I shared to the PSYB32 class about my anxiety disorder. It was the first time sharing in front of hundreds of people about my mental disorder, so it was definitely a new experience. My hands were shaking, but in general since I practiced my speech it went really well. It was very encouraging as well after the talk, there were so many people who came up to me and thanked me for the presentation, and told me that I was very brave. I felt really happy. I didn't expect so many people to come up to me later, I guess I only expected them to ask questions.

The professor and the other guest speaker, a Gestalt therapist, were also very kind and patient with me. The prof said, "I honestly believe that you saved somebody's life tonight." I felt really happy.

God, I thank You. I guess 3 years ago I couldn't really understand why this mental illness had to happen to me, but You showed me the reason tonight. I pray that other people who may have psychological trauma will seek help.

Prayer to God in a library

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

---

Tonight there is not much to do here at the library. I'm just sitting at the desk wondering what else to do. So I thought I would spend my time at the library praying...

Hi God,

I know it's been awhile since you had a deeper conversation with me. I'm so sorry. It's either my memory that fails me, or I just go from thought to thought and sooner or later I get thinking about my own stuff rather than intentionally talking to you or with you.

God, thanks for helping me to stop thinking about looking for new jobs. I guess I should just take what you give me and stop trying to get more and more. I really want to pray for my relationship with Adrian though... I pray that you will help both of us to communicate well and have enough time to spend with each other in a realistic way, and be healthy emotionally and physically.

I guess I just don't know how to really "manage" having a boyfriend. I'm so used to being single, and I love Adrian, but I don't know how to "manage" doing full-time school, part-time jobs, and volunteering with ministries all at the same time as having a boyfriend. I mean, I never had a boyfriend that my parents actually approved of before, or maybe even, that You approved of before.

And I guess I don't know what to do because it would have been easier if Adrian was a student at UTSC, then we would have a similar lifestyle but since we have different lifestyles I feel like I'm kind of unbalanced compared to him. Like I'm always weighing down the seesaw while he is on the other end higher up. Because my workload is crazy.

Lord, I'm thinking about Bible college and the future. I know Bible college will also be a crazy workload, and so that's why Paula stayed single all throughout Bible college. But how in the world will I spend time with Adrian then? I mean, I have to do well in Bible college to be a pastor. I thought about marrying him right after U of T graduation, then for sure I can spend more time with him since I would be living with him, but that would be kind of early... I feel too young to marry.

I'm actually doing emotionally well. Thanks, Lord, I'm really glad about that. I think lithium won't be too bad... just will make me sleepy and thirsty a lot... I might gain a few pounds :-) from side effects too. But I won't be fat, that's what Dr. Chandler said. Thanks God that Juan was there today, I would be very frustrated trying to translate to my mom.

I'm looking forward to all the wonderful things that are happening soon, God. Like Fall Fest, me and Adrian will be volunteering... Starfield concert that Adrian and I will be going to (YAY first official Christian concert!)... Halloween Pub at UTSC, and lots more. I'm even thinking of having Adrian eat with me at Rex's Den. :-) A nice restaurant right on campus that just opened (or at least, is supposed to be open by now).

I really love the email devos, they really help a lot to remind me of You, God. I just wish that I had more motivation and mental concentration to read more parts of the Bible.

I pray for Alice, my mentor. She's been stressed lately. Please help her with her Ethics course. Please also help Uncle Miguel's family. I pray for comfort and for Your providence at this time. I hope Saturday is encouraging for them rather than just depressing. I ask for your help with the kids, too. I don't know if they really know what's going on or how it might affect their future.

Thank you again, Jesus. Love always,

from Martine

A formal diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder

Alright, so after another hour and a half of discussion later, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people don't know what it is. I don't mind talking about it. I feel fine these days, at least this week, but yeah, here's some info from a reliable website (http://www.mooddisorders.on.ca/bipolar.html):

Manic depressive illness or bipolar disorder is a medical condition in which people have extreme mood swings. Their mood swings have nothing to do with things going on in their lives. These swings do not only affect mood, they also affect how people think, behave and function. Bipolar disorder is a medical disorder that can be treated.

A person with bipolar disorder may show signs of depression or mania. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 1% of the adult population and is equally distributed between males and females.

Signs and symptoms of depression include but are not limited to:

• Sad mood
• Preoccupation with failures or inadequacies and a loss of self-esteem
• Feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, excessive guilt
• Slowed thinking, forgetfulness, difficulty in concentrating and in making decisions
• Loss of interest in work, hobbies, people
• Social isolation
• Lethargy
• Agitation
• Changes in appetite or weight - eating too little or too much
• Oversleeping or insomnia
• Decreased sexual drive
• Suicidal thoughts

Signs and symptoms of mania include but are not limited to:

• Elevated, expansive mood
• Extreme irritability
• Rapid, unpredictable emotional changes
• Racing thoughts, flights of ideas
• Overreaction to stimuli, misinterpretation of events
• Increased interest in activities
• Overspending
• Sense of grandiosity, inflated self-esteem
• Excessive energy
• Decreased need for sleep
• Increased sexual drive, sexual indiscretions
• Poor judgment

The most commonly used forms of treatment for depression and mania are medication and psychotherapy. They are used alone or in combination with other treatments. Approximately one in three people with bipolar disorder will remain completely free of symptoms just by taking mood stabilizing medication. Some of the factors that determine the type of treatment are the nature of the symptoms, the severity and duration of the illness, possible precipitating causes and previous response to treatment.

--

Yeah, I might have to switch medications...

Who am I?

The past few days I've been going through a rough time. No one is perfect, and we all go through rough times but I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore or what I was doing in life. I didn't know WHAT I wanted to do anymore, especially what to do in December (if I should get a seasonal job or spend time just studying, or spending time alone with God for days, or what!) I wasn't sure if I was smart anymore, if I was kind anymore, if I had any identity apart from my jobs or volunteer work.

Cuz Jeremy asked me a question at our Spiritual Direction session. He asked, "How does God enjoy you, Martine? Not what you do." I had no idea. I said that I was God's child and creation and that He enjoyed me that way, but Jer said it was too general, cuz how does God enjoy me specificially? I then thought of the things I do for God, but that doesn't make sense cuz God doesn't love people more if they do more for Him. So I started to have an identity crisis where I realized that my self-concept comes from what I do. If I didn't have 2 jobs, 3 volunteer organizations, and 2 clubs, I wouldn't know who I am. And that was a problem.

I finally admitted to being a workaholic. I thought about work more than I thought about other people. When I thought about other people, half the time I was worried about what they thought of me. And I searched up "How do I know that I am a workaholic" and found that I actually was one. I am going to go to workaholics anonymous next month. They have a meeting downtown. Haha, I'm not so anonymous anymore.

I need to learn to be a no woman. You know the movie "Yes Man"? Well instead of learning to say yes to more opportunities, I have to say no. I have had this problem ever since grade 10, of wanting to do all the work myself and wanting things to go my way. I got so attached to my work that last week I cried my head off (lost a lot of brain cells, hence my memory is like a 60 year old) just because people wanted to take the work away from me so that they could help.

I want to thank Edwin for being so patient with me. Adrian was also there for me too.

Yeah, so I'm now the NO woman. I will only finish what I started and not try to take on more work shifts at the library. I need to train myself to rest. Doesn't make sense does it? well, if you are a workaholic you would know what I mean.

I hated my attitude. I hated how grumpy I was last week and how I cried more about my work than about Uncle Miguel passing away. I hated how I wasn't in tune with God anymore. I hated how I was so behind in schoolwork because I was doing other work. I hated the way I was. I hated myself.

Honestly, I thought about suicide briefly again the past few days but thank God that he cheered me up enough to not jump in front of a car. I know I need help. Tomorrow I'm going to the psychiatrist to see if I need another medication and Friday I'm seeing Juan my counselor. Cuz if I don't get enough help to heal, I will never be able to become a Pastor. And for a while the past few days I doubted my calling, I thought maybe I wasn't meant to be a pastor cuz I was so damn weak. And not just mentally weak but spiritually weak. I felt that I had absolutely no discipline, and I was ashamed of myself.

So right now I'm trying to get back to God slowly, through devos and such. Prayer is also important, I've been trying to pray more again. Life is so much more than money. Why didn't I follow my own advice?

I've been anxious again too. My friends notice that sometimes I am quiet and I zone out when they are trying to talk to me. They know something is wrong. I told people to pray for me... I might have bipolar disorder... I will find out tomorrow. My mom's coming with me to the psychiatrist. damn it's going to be frustrating.

I need a retreat. I need a retreat where I will be all by myself. Nothing to worry about, just thinking about God and seeing what He has to say. I miss Him, you know. I miss Him a lot. But when I try to hear him, my mind goes off in ten different directions and I cannot hear anymore. My anxiety and mood gets in the way. How the hell am I going to solve this problem?

Also, I've become a boy magnet. Not that I mean to, but a couple boys seem to like me more than a friend. it's dangerous. I want to be faithful to Adrian, but Satan likes to tempt me with these three things: money, boys, and pride. Those three are the biggest temptations for me I think. Worry is not a sin cuz it's part of my psychiatric disorder, I can't help it, but yeah.

I want to be faithful to God. But my memory fails me, I don't even remember what I sang to Him two days ago. dangit.

And I hate that song called "Will you love Jesus more?" now. It makes me sad and guilty.

Why is it so hard to let go?

As I am sitting here in the library, I feel like I just want to go somewhere and cry. Honestly. Because I feel that it's just so hard to let go. I'm the kind of person who wants to have everything under control. When things don't go my way or when people try to take jobs from me, I feel like they are taking a little bit away from me sometimes, depending on what it is.

I don't like to think of myself as a control freak, but maybe I really am. I'm not as much of a control freak as I was before, but I still feel hurt when things don't go the way I planned it, depending on what it is.

Edwin wants to help me with the logistics with bus and money. Honestly he is a blessing. I don't know why though but when people first proposed to me that other people can take on my duties I felt offended. Maybe cuz I like to think of myself as capable and strong, I want to prove to myself that I can do it. And now, I feel like everything is being taken away. Fundraising is handled by Imelda and Dani, Logistics is handled by Edwin and Katie, and right now I'm just the person who organizes the prayer meetings every Sunday. There are seriously no more duties left for me to take care of, and I should be happy but I am sad. It's not that I don't wanna hold prayer meetings, it's just that it's so easy to do, it feels like nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make a name for myself by doing all this stuff. You probably don't understand why I am so sad about this. I just am. I don't want to be bossy or be superwoman, like some people think I am. I don't want to do this just so I can order people around. Maybe it's because people told me I had the gift of leadership but slowly I am starting to lose opportunities to lead, and people say that I am doing too much and should stop. It's really annoying you know.

And I am sad that I don't have my own printer or laptop (okay this may seem trivial because so many poor people in the world don't have it) but for some reason I am sad. Maybe it's my depression kicking in again. It's just that I wanted to finish writing my resume tonight but I never got to finish it and I will not be able to finish it until later just cuz I don't have a printer and laptop. And it's just annoying cuz I planned to drop off my resume tomorrow, but now I can't.

Anyway I better stop cuz I feel like crying.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I wonder how many people in Canada would actually list out things to be thankful for on Thanksgiving or would they just think about the turkey? Cuz then it might as well be called Turkey Day or Turkeygiving instead. :P

Well, here is my thanks list...

I really thank God that He brought Adrian in my life. I've never been so much happier in my life or in any relationship whatsoever. His easygoing and caring attitude really gives me a great time. I'm glad that he's coming to church and I'm SO proud of him for trying to read the Bible and praying, and sincerely doing it too, not just cuz of me. And he donated to charity today... the best gift I can ever get... (I am very happy when other people donate to charity instead of giving me a gift).

I thank God that my family is doing well, that tomorrow I can see my grandparents.

Thank God that Varsity Christian Fellowship (VCF at UTSC) has like 8 leaders now! And I am not one of them! Being the former President who was trying to do things all on my own during the summer, losing club status and all, I am SO thankful for this outburst of workers for the harvest field. God really answered prayers.

Thank God that I am enjoying SCSU (Scarborough Campus Students' Union) life! I have great friends (Maryann aka Mary, Imran, Sara, the list goes on...) on the Board of directors, and I feel like I'm getting a lot of experience, especially cuz I got the position of Vice-Chair of Clubs Funding working alongside my best friend on the Board, Mary.

Thank God that I have more helpers doing Urbana stuff for me now! Instead of me handling it all on my own! Thank God for Imelda, Daniella, Edwin, Katie, Pierce, Pastor Tim, and Albert K.

Thank God that I didn't lose my English essay!!!!

Thank God that Bend it like Beckham is on course reserves at the UTSC library, so I don't need to worry about spending money to get it for my project!!!

I have food, shelter, water, a computer (although it doesn't work perfectly)... a lot of things that poor kids don't have.

Thank God little Jeffrey is improving in his behaviour. Thank God Nathan isn't going to be burnt out anymore with the new schedule (I really hope!).

I'm thankful that I realized my gift of hospitality, my gift of encouragement, and my gift of teaching... I hope I can be a good counselor too. I hope I can use these gifts to bless others...

Thank God that I got a scholarship this term! And also I got free money from the government!!!! (OSAP and Textbook grant) YAYAYA

I have lots of friends, although all of them are not close to me, but they are still a blessing to have. I have Juan, my counselor, and many ppl who care about me.

Most of all, I have my Saviour and Redeemer Jesus. To Him I will give all my thanks.

An intimate relationship with God?

Dear God,

At VCF we had a devotional and discussion about how we are so busy and stressed, we really need each other to lean on... and also as we lean on each other we must also lean on You. I'm so sorry, these days I often just spend time doing homework or other duties, it is very hard to walk with You every day. Although I do read the Bible and pray, I honestly cannot say that I have an intimate relationship with You anymore. My mind is blocked or something... I read the words on the Bible page and I don't hear You speak. Maybe it's because I haven't really prayed enough or whatever enough, but honestly sometimes I'm just SO tired or sad that I cannot concentrate or think about You. I don't even have the words to say to You anymore unless I type it out like this.

And I hated to hear what Karl had to say yesterday, but he really does speak truth. You don't just want someone who will do work for You. You want a child who will spend alone time with You. But God, what can I really do??? If I wake up early for devotions, my mind is dead, and if I wait until the night, I start to fall asleep again. Is it just because of my medication?

God, it's not that I didn't know the things that Karl had to say, I have heard it MANY times, it's starting to be really frustrating. Honestly, the next person who says I have too much on my plate is really gonna regret saying it because I don't want to hear it ANYMORE! I already cut down on courses, seriously, I am only taking three. Sure, I have two jobs, but I only work 6.5 hours a week in total, that is REALLY LITTLE compared to most people.

People who say I don't spend enough time with friends really don't understand. I put my friends above my schoolwork! I put God, ministries, and friends above my schoolwork, and the ministries I'm involved in are things that I feel God wants me to do. People shouldn't tell me to quit things if God told me to do it. I totally understand that they want to make sure I'm not stressed, but they just DON'T UNDERSTAND that it's not these things that stress me out, it is random depressing events that happen! For example, people telling me I should quit stuff that I am passionate in doing! (I forgive them but I just had to let all the frustration out.)

I'm fine now, I just want to get it all out of my system. God, I'm sorry, I am just really annoyed, and I'm starting to rant rather than pray. But seriously, the religious people I once thought would do the right thing actually came around and put me down or screwed things up for me. And the people who are the farthest away from God are actually the ones who understand.

I'm not trying to say that all Christians are bad, it's just that sometimes Christians they are so focused on doing the right thing so they end up criticizing other people. That's not right. They want to be holy but instead it turns out to be doing the exact opposite. People aren't perfect... it is true that you should try your best to do the right thing, but if someone falls, we should help them up, not give advice that ends up to be criticism.

Jesus accepts people as they are. He might tell them to sin no more, but he would do it in a compassionate way. God, I just can't take it anymore, all the criticisms and stress. Please take it all from me.

It's distracting me from the more important things in life. I want to be more focused on what You want me to do, God, and I really do want to spend the time with You and share your Love and message to others. It's hard cuz life gets in the way, I mean, the stresses and random crap that happens.

Thanks, God, for always listening and being there... and being so patient, never criticizing and always encouraging. Lord, help me to draw closer to You. My schoolwork also needs help, it's so hard to stay focused. And please help my friends who are feeling sad or lonely or stressed.

And my family, please repair the damage that was done... I know, it takes time to heal, but I feel like without Your help, it will stay like it is, and I just really hope that at least my dad can go to heaven and not have to suffer. I want him to know the true meaning of life, and honestly I have no other way of showing it to him unless You speak to him...

Thanks,
I miss You, God.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

A University Student's Rant (did this to de-stress)

Title: A University Student's Rant

I was going to write a poem about this, but I decided to rant.
Honestly, life as a student, sometimes you just feel like you can't
handle the stresses, the amount of work,
the deadlines coming up, the ones that lurk
Right around the corner, trying to grab you,
grab you when you're not watching, too!
Honestly, life as a student, it is no joke!
You don't just sit around drinking beer or coke,
you actually need to balance friends, a job,
family--I just feel like a corn on a cob,
being bitten at from all angles and
like on a beach, the hot summer sand
I feel scorched, when I try my best to be the best
and people's criticisms are putting me to the test
and on top of that, I'm getting fat
cuz in front of the computer all day I sat
finishing essays and papers
not to mention being careful of rapers...
Oh, I wrote that wrong, but don't get pissed
just blame it on Paul Bernardo, that RAPIST...
He went to UTSC, oh yes he did,
so you can see how much I kid you not
when I say university students go through a lot
cuz Bernardo's in jail, lying on a cot.
Although I am ranting, I am really just trying
to figure out what poetry is, I'm not lying...
I have a poetry essay due next week
perhaps it would make you go "eek"
BUT in reality, students like me
should think about the bright side--
the sun may seem to hide
behind those clouds of gray I know
But one day, these four years will show
A beautiful life, a full life
although I may get strife
I say this with pride:
I've been on a rough ride
but it was fun!
And I better stop here
cuz I should be done
(gasp for breath)
ranting or maybe I'm just
running out of rhyme...
P.S. the last thing I won't fail to say is kind of trivial
UTSC got filmed last week as a jail for Resident Evil!

HAVE AN AWESOME YEAR!!!!!
DON'T FORGET TO TAKE SOME TIME TO LAUGH!!!!!

OH AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL OF YOU! I AM SO THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS LIKE YOU!!!!!!!


Love from your sis Martine

In the morning

I woke up to find
that the place where God dwelt
in my uttermost being
was replaced by a black hole
and the only redemption to be found
was all in the willingness
to sacrifice my hands
in prayer to Him

Crabby Patty?

Today I was helping out with the kids at church again and hey, sometimes they can be annoying and you do have to be a bit more firm and strict... but sometimes when you can laugh about things they say (not talking about if they are calling each other names), it really brightens up your day. For example, Angela was really serious about her tea party and she kept on saying that we had to make space for a crabby patty. If you don't know, in SpongeBob Squarepants (kids TV show, heard of it yet?) there was such a thing as a crabby patty in a restaurant owned by an extremely crabby crab. So haha it was funny because she was so serious about making space for a crabby patty.

All joking aside, sometimes we have to wonder if we are a crabby patty about the things in life. At least for me I was kind of crabby these days and I didn't really laugh all that much until today. I kept on complaining about this one friend, and I kept on scrutinizing myself and the things I said and what I should have said. I complained about family stuff too and was pretty dead and laughless yesterday because I was worried about this one little thing (it won't make sense if I explain it to you, but anyway, I was thinking about this one thing during almost the whole dinner). I also complained to myself and didn't wanna do anything at all yesterday. (That is why I am up so late tonight trying to finish an assignment.)

And like Auntie Dannie said, I really should relax a bit more and laugh more. Take things less seriously because otherwise, there will be no more joy left in our day to day lives.

Yesterday I wrote a poem to try and encourage myself. It was a very simple poem... something like this:

I am beautiful.
I am lovely.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I am easygoing.
I am able to read, write, speak, and I can do these things well.
I am outgoing.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am helpful.
I am me.
I am.
I am Martine Lee.

I felt really good afterwards, because a lot of times I don't see a lot of value in myself. And the more I think I cannot do something, the worse I get at it. But if I encourage myself this way, I will start to feel better and do better. I also doodled a heart-shape-eyeball design that I was very pleased with, and I can't show it to you now but if I did I think you would think it is interesting!

Instead of being a crabby patty, I will choose to stay on the positive path and keep having faith that things will get better. I will stop being annoyed at other people so fast and instead take things a little more lightly so that others will not be as uptight as me.

Live to love, laugh, and learn. Enjoying random poetry and laughing at random things. Not worrying about tomorrow but letting tomorrow worry about itself. Seeing things as not obstacles but just a scenic detour.

:-) Good night and sweet dreams!

One of the hardest things in life

Yesterday I found out that one of the hardest things in life is confronting yourself. Sometimes you might be afraid of confronting others with the truth but when you confront yourself it's harder because you realize you need help, and that you really can't do it on your own. I can't say to you right now what I found out yesterday but basically I learned that something may be interesting when you study it, and you may think, "oh that may never happen to me" but when it does you will feel shocked and not know how to deal with it.

I'm not super depressed right now or anything, I just don't know how to deal with it. I found out the reason why I was what I was, and it's all starting to make sense, but at the same time, it doesn't make any sense. And some people have said to me that I might have the thing that I found out about but before, I would say, "no, I'm not like that, I'm different, I have this other thing, it's different". But when you find out the truth, you realize everyone else was right and you have to make a decision about what you're gonna do now, otherwise the odds are that something might happen.

So although I'm being vague, I really just don't know how to deal with it. Trying to explain to my parents is also a really hard thing to do cuz I have to say it in Chinese to their traditional minds, and it's just hard to say things when you don't have the words and you can't even deal with it yourself. Dang.

So these days I'm just a little more emotionless and numb, cuz I have to wait it out until I see someone again to figure out what the heck I am gonna do. :S I have to go to work right now, so I can't really stay here and chat, but just please pray for me...

I need to figure out what to do!