An intimate relationship with God?

Dear God,

At VCF we had a devotional and discussion about how we are so busy and stressed, we really need each other to lean on... and also as we lean on each other we must also lean on You. I'm so sorry, these days I often just spend time doing homework or other duties, it is very hard to walk with You every day. Although I do read the Bible and pray, I honestly cannot say that I have an intimate relationship with You anymore. My mind is blocked or something... I read the words on the Bible page and I don't hear You speak. Maybe it's because I haven't really prayed enough or whatever enough, but honestly sometimes I'm just SO tired or sad that I cannot concentrate or think about You. I don't even have the words to say to You anymore unless I type it out like this.

And I hated to hear what Karl had to say yesterday, but he really does speak truth. You don't just want someone who will do work for You. You want a child who will spend alone time with You. But God, what can I really do??? If I wake up early for devotions, my mind is dead, and if I wait until the night, I start to fall asleep again. Is it just because of my medication?

God, it's not that I didn't know the things that Karl had to say, I have heard it MANY times, it's starting to be really frustrating. Honestly, the next person who says I have too much on my plate is really gonna regret saying it because I don't want to hear it ANYMORE! I already cut down on courses, seriously, I am only taking three. Sure, I have two jobs, but I only work 6.5 hours a week in total, that is REALLY LITTLE compared to most people.

People who say I don't spend enough time with friends really don't understand. I put my friends above my schoolwork! I put God, ministries, and friends above my schoolwork, and the ministries I'm involved in are things that I feel God wants me to do. People shouldn't tell me to quit things if God told me to do it. I totally understand that they want to make sure I'm not stressed, but they just DON'T UNDERSTAND that it's not these things that stress me out, it is random depressing events that happen! For example, people telling me I should quit stuff that I am passionate in doing! (I forgive them but I just had to let all the frustration out.)

I'm fine now, I just want to get it all out of my system. God, I'm sorry, I am just really annoyed, and I'm starting to rant rather than pray. But seriously, the religious people I once thought would do the right thing actually came around and put me down or screwed things up for me. And the people who are the farthest away from God are actually the ones who understand.

I'm not trying to say that all Christians are bad, it's just that sometimes Christians they are so focused on doing the right thing so they end up criticizing other people. That's not right. They want to be holy but instead it turns out to be doing the exact opposite. People aren't perfect... it is true that you should try your best to do the right thing, but if someone falls, we should help them up, not give advice that ends up to be criticism.

Jesus accepts people as they are. He might tell them to sin no more, but he would do it in a compassionate way. God, I just can't take it anymore, all the criticisms and stress. Please take it all from me.

It's distracting me from the more important things in life. I want to be more focused on what You want me to do, God, and I really do want to spend the time with You and share your Love and message to others. It's hard cuz life gets in the way, I mean, the stresses and random crap that happens.

Thanks, God, for always listening and being there... and being so patient, never criticizing and always encouraging. Lord, help me to draw closer to You. My schoolwork also needs help, it's so hard to stay focused. And please help my friends who are feeling sad or lonely or stressed.

And my family, please repair the damage that was done... I know, it takes time to heal, but I feel like without Your help, it will stay like it is, and I just really hope that at least my dad can go to heaven and not have to suffer. I want him to know the true meaning of life, and honestly I have no other way of showing it to him unless You speak to him...

Thanks,
I miss You, God.

In Jesus' name, Amen.