Hey everyone, lately I've been really busy with both drama and life, or a combination of the two. I need to take a breather and I might not blog all the time. However, all you need to know is, for now, I moved back to my parents' house. I am back in my old bedroom. Life is all good and I hope you can stay updated with my inspiring facebook posts cuz I usually post more updates there for more people to see.
But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda. You know I was suffering to try to help her recover. It was time for me to leave. I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter. The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.
Thanks for reading. I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends. God bless you.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
God's will be done
(posted on facebook)
The only good thing about good Friday is that God showed us today roughly 2000 years ago that He loved us by abandoning his only son Jesus on the cross. It was so that Jesus could save us from our sins that were destroying us. Jesus is my Lord, my friend, my Savior, my God. He is love and my reason to live. May God bless you with His love.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
8th anniversary of my bipolar
(posted on my facebook)
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Ecclesiastes poem (from the Bible)
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
----------------------------------------------------
OMYGOODNESSSSSSSSSS GUYS AND GALS...
I was SO wrong about Chris... while during our break, he actually prayed to God for a sign, whether or not he should choose Christianity. And just 5 minutes later in Korea town, a Korean Christian came up to him to talk about Jesus. They ended up talking for 1 hour! And Chris accepted Christianity for himself! WOW~! THANK GOD!
Chris wrote back to me, hurt by my words and actions, but willing to still be with me in the long run. He believes Satan was trying to make me give up on the relationship. I mean, so many well-meaning Christians were telling me that I should break up with him. And I myself thought I was doing the right thing to break up with him. Turns out we should not break up, but just take a break!
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
Chris feels that the fact that he is my 8th boyfriend and we were together on the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder onset, and the fact that in Chinese 8 is a lucky number too, maybe this is also a sign from God that were were meant to be together.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
The movie Adjustment Bureau showed this lesson.
PLUS... the end scene of The Adjustment Bureau was filmed on Rockefeller Tower, one of the destinations that me and Chris went to in New York. Connecting the dots here? Signs from God!
The Bible does NOT say "See it, then believe it." The Bible says "Believe it, then you will see it." I have believed in my relationship with Chris but others did not. When I was with him, I felt that God gave me many signs that I should be with him, that he was meant to follow me to Montreal... many signs such as the fact that Boston Pizza when we went there happened to have a Montreal boxer on TV that won, such as the fact that I saw many Quebec license plates of other cars while I was in Chris's car...
Most coincidentally of all, on the boat ride in New York, me and Chris were surrounded by a tour group of people from Quebec. I could hear their accent. What are the chances that the one night that me and Chris went on the boat ride, the boat would be filled with Quebecers?
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
I believe it was a miracle that God answered Chris's prayer and he ended up talking to the Korean missionary. I believe it was a blessing for me to know Chris, and the New York trip being a healing trip for me where I regained a lot of lost memories that were erased by my bipolar disorder. I felt that the first time around, God wanted me in New York to show me many things, but 2 weeks ago, God cancelled my plane flight because He wanted to show CHRIS many things.
It will all work out! Just like the Bible verse Romans 8:28... "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose".
I'm so happy today! I didn't even sleep yesterday and I'm still so energetic! I know God is working in my life! YAYYYYYY Praise God!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Finally crying about it
It finally hit me today. My heart is wounded. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. He was so good to me. I questioned myself whether I am selfish to leave him. But Christina and Golda told me I wasn't selfish. It would have been selfish of me to hold on if I didn't see a future with him. I never knew this would happen.
I can't even figure out what to type anymore. I still love him. Goodbye, Chris.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Broke up... but not officially? I don't know...
Last night I broke up with Chris. At least I thought I did. What I mean is, I wrote him a really long letter to break up, but I'm not sure if he even read it yet. In my mind, we are broken up but he might still think there is a chance to change my mind when he comes back to Toronto and wants to meet up.
This past week I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to break up with him. Monday and Tuesday I felt I should give him another chance and date him and help him grow, see if he can "catch up" to me spiritually, but later on in the week I was reminded that this would be expecting too much out of him and it would put pressure on him as well as make me not satisfied with his "slowness" of learning to grow closer to God.
All in all, I am better matched with someone who is already devoted to God, as I am a pastor and need someone to connect with spiritually. I was never able to connect with Chris spiritually much. Amazingly though when I said I wanted to break up he actually prayed out loud for the first time.
I still have feelings for him and want him back in my life in the future. But for now, I felt that his spiritual health and God's will was more important than my selfish desires to keep this relationship. Chris would grow better on his own without me in the mix, as I should not be his motivator but God should be.
I'm not even sad right now, I feel pretty happy and peaceful actually. I'm just very concerned about Chris. He sent me a message at 4am saying he didn't read my email but that he thought Satan got to me. He seems to think Satan wants us to break up whereas I think God wants us to break up.
Guido his best friend said he was very down yesterday afternoon. I thought that meant that he read the email but apparently not unless he was drunk at 4am. I am also concerned how much Guido was able to support Chris because Guido drinks a lot.
I still care about Chris and if I were to see him it would be hard to hold back from holding on to him or hugging him tightly. But I need to stand firm on my decision because that is what will be for the best. After all, I am happy being single right now, even seeing a lot of couples at church doesn't phase me anymore.
Karl says he hopes Chris won't turn away from Christianity because of the breakup. I pray that God will keep him steadfast and on his journey of faith . I know it will take a lot of time and space to heal Chris's heart especially because I was his first real girlfriend and according to him, the only girl he ever loved and saw a future with.
I doubted enough in the past. This time I'm sure I made the right decision. God showed me way too many signs. I'll explain it all to Chris when I see him I guess.
This past week I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to break up with him. Monday and Tuesday I felt I should give him another chance and date him and help him grow, see if he can "catch up" to me spiritually, but later on in the week I was reminded that this would be expecting too much out of him and it would put pressure on him as well as make me not satisfied with his "slowness" of learning to grow closer to God.
All in all, I am better matched with someone who is already devoted to God, as I am a pastor and need someone to connect with spiritually. I was never able to connect with Chris spiritually much. Amazingly though when I said I wanted to break up he actually prayed out loud for the first time.
I still have feelings for him and want him back in my life in the future. But for now, I felt that his spiritual health and God's will was more important than my selfish desires to keep this relationship. Chris would grow better on his own without me in the mix, as I should not be his motivator but God should be.
I'm not even sad right now, I feel pretty happy and peaceful actually. I'm just very concerned about Chris. He sent me a message at 4am saying he didn't read my email but that he thought Satan got to me. He seems to think Satan wants us to break up whereas I think God wants us to break up.
Guido his best friend said he was very down yesterday afternoon. I thought that meant that he read the email but apparently not unless he was drunk at 4am. I am also concerned how much Guido was able to support Chris because Guido drinks a lot.
I still care about Chris and if I were to see him it would be hard to hold back from holding on to him or hugging him tightly. But I need to stand firm on my decision because that is what will be for the best. After all, I am happy being single right now, even seeing a lot of couples at church doesn't phase me anymore.
Karl says he hopes Chris won't turn away from Christianity because of the breakup. I pray that God will keep him steadfast and on his journey of faith . I know it will take a lot of time and space to heal Chris's heart especially because I was his first real girlfriend and according to him, the only girl he ever loved and saw a future with.
I doubted enough in the past. This time I'm sure I made the right decision. God showed me way too many signs. I'll explain it all to Chris when I see him I guess.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Learning about myself
Dear God,
Starting last Friday, I started missing Chris really badly. It got worse and worse, and worst thing is, I lost focus off of You. It started with me seeing couples together, both at the youth group and at Jen's birthday. I started feeling like there was something I was missing.
The myth is that I need a guy to be happy. It's a myth I believed most of my teenage and young adult life. Today was the worst so far in terms of missing Chris because I started feeling like crying and wanting him back in my life right away. I even asked him if I could talk to him today and yesterday I told him I wanted to get back with him.
My counselor had said, seek after God and wait for God's answer. However, I did exactly the opposite. I wasted time just lying around in bed wanting to forget everything and wanting to just feel peaceful and rested. I didn't spend time in Your Word and I didn't pray much in a way that was centered upon God. I let the issue of Chris and I's relationship get in between me and You.
But thank You Lord that Chris refused to speak to me today, which made me end up going online to look up Christian advice on dating and that helped me get back to focusing on You. Lord, I am sorry for my sin and sorry for missing out on You during this time of missing Chris. I guess I took my focus off of You and didn't follow my own advice of waiting for You and spending time with You.
God, I know You have the best plan for me and whether or not it includes Chris in my life, I will choose to trust You. Please teach me to be more patient, because that is what You are. Please teach me to love You first. I mean, even Chris is seeking after You during this time, so I should too. How can I be a godly wife if I don't even focus on You during this time of break between me and Chris?
Selena helped me figure out pros and cons of my relationship with Chris, but the most meaningful thing she said was Trust in God's will. Only time will tell what Your will is, but I do want to follow Your will, Lord. May your will be done.
Thanks for pointing me back to You, God. Please help me to stop being a hypocrite and really follow my own advice, to wait for Your answer, to wait upon You and focus on You, to spend time in Your Word.
Starting last Friday, I started missing Chris really badly. It got worse and worse, and worst thing is, I lost focus off of You. It started with me seeing couples together, both at the youth group and at Jen's birthday. I started feeling like there was something I was missing.
The myth is that I need a guy to be happy. It's a myth I believed most of my teenage and young adult life. Today was the worst so far in terms of missing Chris because I started feeling like crying and wanting him back in my life right away. I even asked him if I could talk to him today and yesterday I told him I wanted to get back with him.
My counselor had said, seek after God and wait for God's answer. However, I did exactly the opposite. I wasted time just lying around in bed wanting to forget everything and wanting to just feel peaceful and rested. I didn't spend time in Your Word and I didn't pray much in a way that was centered upon God. I let the issue of Chris and I's relationship get in between me and You.
But thank You Lord that Chris refused to speak to me today, which made me end up going online to look up Christian advice on dating and that helped me get back to focusing on You. Lord, I am sorry for my sin and sorry for missing out on You during this time of missing Chris. I guess I took my focus off of You and didn't follow my own advice of waiting for You and spending time with You.
God, I know You have the best plan for me and whether or not it includes Chris in my life, I will choose to trust You. Please teach me to be more patient, because that is what You are. Please teach me to love You first. I mean, even Chris is seeking after You during this time, so I should too. How can I be a godly wife if I don't even focus on You during this time of break between me and Chris?
Selena helped me figure out pros and cons of my relationship with Chris, but the most meaningful thing she said was Trust in God's will. Only time will tell what Your will is, but I do want to follow Your will, Lord. May your will be done.
Thanks for pointing me back to You, God. Please help me to stop being a hypocrite and really follow my own advice, to wait for Your answer, to wait upon You and focus on You, to spend time in Your Word.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
So much happened... and will happen
Hello dear blog reader friends,
It's a long story, and it's hard for me to share because maybe you won't believe me and think I'm crazy. But this past Monday I was supposed to get on a plane to New York to spend time with Chris from Monday night to Friday (tomorrow) afternoon. However, a series of messages from God convinced me that I should not go. It wasn't just that two of my close friends warned me that going to New York was a bad idea. I also had a little voice in my heart that said "Martine, please don't go" repeatedly, and also the flight got cancelled ten minutes before my taxi for the airport was supposed to come. There were too many signs leading me to believe that I shouldn't go.
I skyped Chris after the flight got cancelled and explained why I think God is trying to speak to me, and why I wouldn't want to wait until the next flight. I didn't want to be like Jonah in the Bible, disobeying God and getting swallowed by a whale (in my case, obviously I wouldn't be swallowed by a whale but I would be probably stuck at the airport or get into some kind of bad accident). God only does things for our good. I know I wasn't happy with Chris, looking back, I wasn't satisfied with the relationship.
After I told Chris I wasn't going, I told him we should take a one week break of silence, pray more, and ask God whether this relationship should continue. He messaged me the next day saying he realized he was wrong about the homeless man and wrong about thinking I went out on a date with Brian Mak. He is now willing to seek God, go to church more, read the Bible, grow, and get involved in the church.
I replied saying he shouldn't do it for my sake but for his own sake, and that after that message I need a one week break of silence.
This week of silence has been the best week ever. I think of Chris often but I feel happy without him. I feel free, I feel I did the right thing. I feel very peaceful after cancelling the trip to New York. I am more focused on God and my work. I am happy that this drastic thing also drove Chris to focus on God more. It's for his own good.
Of course, I don't know what will happen after I tell him next monday that my final decision is to break up. I plan to talk to him about options of what we can do to stay acquaintances, still go to the same church, and my decision is to stay single and have another discussion with him on Dec. 1st after he has had 8 months to focus on God and see whether we should get back together.
That is what I think so far. I am feeling absolutely fine right now, not faking it, not trying to mask anything, not trying to suppress anything. I am truly happy. And I have found myself again.
It's a long story, and it's hard for me to share because maybe you won't believe me and think I'm crazy. But this past Monday I was supposed to get on a plane to New York to spend time with Chris from Monday night to Friday (tomorrow) afternoon. However, a series of messages from God convinced me that I should not go. It wasn't just that two of my close friends warned me that going to New York was a bad idea. I also had a little voice in my heart that said "Martine, please don't go" repeatedly, and also the flight got cancelled ten minutes before my taxi for the airport was supposed to come. There were too many signs leading me to believe that I shouldn't go.
I skyped Chris after the flight got cancelled and explained why I think God is trying to speak to me, and why I wouldn't want to wait until the next flight. I didn't want to be like Jonah in the Bible, disobeying God and getting swallowed by a whale (in my case, obviously I wouldn't be swallowed by a whale but I would be probably stuck at the airport or get into some kind of bad accident). God only does things for our good. I know I wasn't happy with Chris, looking back, I wasn't satisfied with the relationship.
After I told Chris I wasn't going, I told him we should take a one week break of silence, pray more, and ask God whether this relationship should continue. He messaged me the next day saying he realized he was wrong about the homeless man and wrong about thinking I went out on a date with Brian Mak. He is now willing to seek God, go to church more, read the Bible, grow, and get involved in the church.
I replied saying he shouldn't do it for my sake but for his own sake, and that after that message I need a one week break of silence.
This week of silence has been the best week ever. I think of Chris often but I feel happy without him. I feel free, I feel I did the right thing. I feel very peaceful after cancelling the trip to New York. I am more focused on God and my work. I am happy that this drastic thing also drove Chris to focus on God more. It's for his own good.
Of course, I don't know what will happen after I tell him next monday that my final decision is to break up. I plan to talk to him about options of what we can do to stay acquaintances, still go to the same church, and my decision is to stay single and have another discussion with him on Dec. 1st after he has had 8 months to focus on God and see whether we should get back together.
That is what I think so far. I am feeling absolutely fine right now, not faking it, not trying to mask anything, not trying to suppress anything. I am truly happy. And I have found myself again.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
I don't know anymore (written last Sunday, too scared to post it until now)
Dear God,
I need to say it out. Chris and Golda do not have access to this blog, so there will be no drama caused by what I say. Surprisingly, they are the closest people to me, yet I don't trust them with this blog. I don't trust them with what I'm about to say.
Golda says looking back, she regrets pressuring Chris to ask me out back in late November. She regrets it because she saw the pain I was in from all the fights me and Chris had. Lately me and Chris are better, but the issues are still underneath in my mind. I told him we need to see the counselor together in May. That's how serious I am about determining whether he is right for me.
Chris supports me in many ways, but he cannot support me by helping me grow spiritually. And as we all know, God is the biggest part of my life. Jesus and church is basically my life. Yes, Chris is willing to come to church. He is willing to follow God's ways. But today's conversation with Gideon and a text from Andrew made me think twice...
Today I went to Hallelujah church in the morning because a guy there named Gideon offered to fix my computer. He brought me out to lunch and was even willing to pay for the lunch if I didn't have cash. Not only that, but we had a very engaging conversation. We talked mostly about God and church and how to help people. I really enjoyed the conversation. To be honest, me and Chris never ever talked about these types of things. I felt like I enjoyed my talk with Gideon more than all the talks I had with Chris combined.
I don't have feelings for Gideon. But seeing him give a crying girl a hug and care so much for others, it makes me think and compare... I know I shouldn't be comparing but I can't help it. Gideon is the type of person who can give a spiritual girl what she needs... spiritual support. Chris is not as "far along" in the journey of faith as Gideon is. I know I should be patient, but... I have my doubts.
Is Chris even going to like Montreal? Is he even going to like being a pastor's husband? He doesn't know what he is even getting himself into... why am I going so fast into the relationship, already thinking about what we will name our kids? Am I wasting my time?
Andrew who is very spiritual as well, disagrees with my relationship with Chris. Golda is right. If our relationship was strong, no one could get between us. But something Andrew said seemed right. He said, if someone is only exploring Christianity, or in the beginning stages, they are not right to marry a pastor.
Look at one of my friends... recently she fell into sin because the guy didn't protect her purity. I know I am at fault when I get tempted sexually... Chris never led me into sin... but indirectly he is so passive that he didn't stop me either. I don't know if I can share with anyone what I'm feeling now except for You, God.
God, please help me find the right one. God, may your will be done. Please help Chris recover if I'm not supposed to marry him and if we end up separating. Most of all, please help him to get better spiritually and grow to love you more. I don't know what to do anymore.
I need to say it out. Chris and Golda do not have access to this blog, so there will be no drama caused by what I say. Surprisingly, they are the closest people to me, yet I don't trust them with this blog. I don't trust them with what I'm about to say.
Golda says looking back, she regrets pressuring Chris to ask me out back in late November. She regrets it because she saw the pain I was in from all the fights me and Chris had. Lately me and Chris are better, but the issues are still underneath in my mind. I told him we need to see the counselor together in May. That's how serious I am about determining whether he is right for me.
Chris supports me in many ways, but he cannot support me by helping me grow spiritually. And as we all know, God is the biggest part of my life. Jesus and church is basically my life. Yes, Chris is willing to come to church. He is willing to follow God's ways. But today's conversation with Gideon and a text from Andrew made me think twice...
Today I went to Hallelujah church in the morning because a guy there named Gideon offered to fix my computer. He brought me out to lunch and was even willing to pay for the lunch if I didn't have cash. Not only that, but we had a very engaging conversation. We talked mostly about God and church and how to help people. I really enjoyed the conversation. To be honest, me and Chris never ever talked about these types of things. I felt like I enjoyed my talk with Gideon more than all the talks I had with Chris combined.
I don't have feelings for Gideon. But seeing him give a crying girl a hug and care so much for others, it makes me think and compare... I know I shouldn't be comparing but I can't help it. Gideon is the type of person who can give a spiritual girl what she needs... spiritual support. Chris is not as "far along" in the journey of faith as Gideon is. I know I should be patient, but... I have my doubts.
Is Chris even going to like Montreal? Is he even going to like being a pastor's husband? He doesn't know what he is even getting himself into... why am I going so fast into the relationship, already thinking about what we will name our kids? Am I wasting my time?
Andrew who is very spiritual as well, disagrees with my relationship with Chris. Golda is right. If our relationship was strong, no one could get between us. But something Andrew said seemed right. He said, if someone is only exploring Christianity, or in the beginning stages, they are not right to marry a pastor.
Look at one of my friends... recently she fell into sin because the guy didn't protect her purity. I know I am at fault when I get tempted sexually... Chris never led me into sin... but indirectly he is so passive that he didn't stop me either. I don't know if I can share with anyone what I'm feeling now except for You, God.
God, please help me find the right one. God, may your will be done. Please help Chris recover if I'm not supposed to marry him and if we end up separating. Most of all, please help him to get better spiritually and grow to love you more. I don't know what to do anymore.
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