Glad :)

Today I woke up early in the morning by myself with no alarm and spent time listening to Christian music and readiing the Bible. I felt really glad afterwards that I could focus. I think I will be getting close to God again. thanks God.

Dear God, draw me close to You

This is the third time I wrote on this blog today but I don't care.

I was crying really hard just now, because I feel far away from God. I miss God. I want to be close to Him again. I'm very sad and heartbroken. I feel like I like broke up with God or something. I was talking to Caleb on the phone about this. He understands what I mean.

Tomorrow is the last time I'm gonna see Caleb until he comes back from Hong Kong in late August. I feel like going up to him and crying and hugging him. That's what I feel like doing.

I feel like Andrew and I are not going to work out. I'm very heartbroken right now. I think I'm just gonna try to tell him I like him and just get it over with. There's never a "right time" anyways, if I keep dragging this on I'm just gonna wait until I die.

I feel so guilty, I don't even spend much time with God anymore. I feel like I'm starting to become empty inside.

Caleb told me that God still loves me. That made me cry even more because what kind of God is this that He would love me even though I'm not even obeying his commands. What a good God he is. So I cried even more.

I just want to be close to God again.

2nd attempt at writing something inspiring

Hey all,

So lately I've been doing pretty well. Health is hopefully okay, although I need to see the doctor and I need an ultrasound but my period stopped so at least it's not going nonstop.

Today I was supposed to go to Wonderland with Arabic church but not enough people could make it so we cancelled it and we're going to the park instead tonight. Hopefully that works out.

It's kind of sad that our trips haven't been working out, and sometimes I wonder if my hard work is going to waste, organizing trips that don't end up happening anyway. But then deep inside I know that nothing is going to waste. As long as you are serving the Lord, God sees and will reward you for what you have done.

I'm becoming more and more confident about the internship at church with the kids. At first I was scared and nervous, thinking I could not do it, but after reading some Bible passages, I felt encouraged because I know that God will be with me, and he will go before to prepare the way.

I think I will still have a lot of struggles but I have a lot of people who are supporting me and backing me up.

.....

Dear God,

I know this week I've mostly been asking for things from you, talking to you in a rush, and reading the Bible on the bus while on the go rather than taking special quiet time with you. Some say that it's better than nothing but for myself I feel that as a Christian leader I can do much better.

Although being on the TTC is a time where I'm focused or at least semi-focused on talking to you or reading the Bible, I don't think that I should rely on those times only because then what if one day I don't take the TTC.

Talking with you like a friend is so much better. I mean, you probably don't enjoy only people asking you for stuff. Not much of a positive relationship there.

God, please forgive me but I still do have one request. I need help planning for children's programs. I want it to be the best for the kids to learn about you and have fun. Thanks God. You are the best.

Martine

SIGH!

My guinea pig just ate part of a wire! It was the headset for my phone's wire. I was holding Fuzzy on my lap and I was looking at the computer, then he started chewing the wire without me noticing because the wire was in my pocket. UGH! Fifteen dollars gone and Fuzzy just ingested metal and plastic. I should have been more careful.

These days I've been horrible at saving money. Yesterday I just bought a bubble tea at STC for 5.59, so expensive. And I spent like 35 dollars on snacks for kids for the end-of-term party at my workplace.

Yes, I like to complain. But originally I wanted to come on this blog to talk about something else.

Now I forgot what I was gonna talk about. How uninspiring!

With Jesus I can Overcome

Thank You God for loving me

My sister showed me a video about Demi Lovato talking about how Love can be Louder than the Pressure to be Perfect. She was born plump but Disney made her go on a diet to stay thin, but now she's off the diet and is willing to accept herself as she is. It helps me because my mom keeps saying I'm getting fat, and the fat that's around my tummy is so hard to get rid of. I just want to be myself.

The video led me to other videos and one of them was this, a song recommended by Demi Lovato to help her get through hard times.



And here's another song she recommended, about beauty coming from the fact that God made us, instead of what others think:

Waiting for Andrew

I don't know if you guys are sick of me blogging about Andrew by now, but I just wanted to say that today I feel happy for some reason, and I feel like I'm willing to wait for Andrew :) even if it takes a while for him to fall in love with me... :)

He told me that he doesn't like anyone at the moment, which is semi-good news for me because that means at least he's not interested in some other girl. :) hehe

I felt better after a nap

Today in the afternoon I took a good long nap. I think I really needed it.

I tend to clench my teeth when I am stressed. I find myself clenching my teeth a lot more these days. Maybe I should've gotten the mouth guard like my dentist said so my teeth don't crack and deteriorate.

I don't think I was ever made for a full-time job. Even working part-time is enough stress for me. I feel like I'm pretty fragile and weak. Even just a bit of stress triggers my period problem. I'm pretty grumpy and annoyed these days because of it. Not very Christ-like at all.

feeling a bit better

after people prayed for me, i feel so much better.

I Surrender All

As I am writing this, I am not doing well. My period problem is back (this is the second time I had a period this month, and there is A LOT of blood. I'm crying and wishing Aaron was here. (He left for Seattle this morning, and I am missing him like crazy).

I had to miss softball practice today because I had my period problem. And right now I just feel like no one will understand how I feel. I don't even know exactly why I am crying.

It's been exactly one year yesterday that I came to Grace Chinese Gospel Church. It has been exactly one year Saturday that Adrian and I broke up. I had such a busy and fun weekend with softball, Arabic Church, and what not, that I didn't even have a chance to be sad this whole weekend. The sadness came yesterday, when we had our goodbye party for Aaron. (he's coming back, but only after 6 weeks in Seattle)

Aaron was there for me over the past year or so and helped me a lot in my transition to Grace Gospel Church and with every single problem I had in general. He was always there for me. And now I won't be able to see him until September. I know it seems like a short time, but it seems like a long time to me.

On top of all this, Andrew hasn't been very responsive to me and I'm not gonna try to initiate any conversation to him anymore until he initiates it with me. Maybe he is just busy with work. I don't know.

But I just wish I could cry on someone's shoulder right now!!! But I am too afraid to call and bother people with my problems. And I just feel like no one would understand. What would I say anyway? I would just cry.

About Andrew again

Yesterday I wrote out all my feelings in a hypothetical letter to Andrew (not gonna send it to him) and at the end of it I realized that maybe Aaron is right. Maybe I'm not really in love with Andrew, maybe I'm just infatuated by him. My problem is that I don't know the difference between love and infatuation.

I was looking back at old conversations between me and Andrew on msn. I realize that I told him a lot about my life. I told him what happened with Adrian, with Sam, with my parents, with my bipolar disorder... but he didn't tell me a lot about his life. And also we talked about romantic relationships. And he said to me in the past that I should become close friends with someone before dating them. That gives me a better idea now about how I should not tell Andrew I like him yet. Plus it's gonna be super awkward explaining how I liked him even when I was liking Adrian and Sam.

I like Andrew from what I know of him. But I don't know very much. That's basically it.

I just read a Bible verse on a mug that encouraged me: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13

This whole remember what happened last year thing seems never to end today. I just came across some pictures from my old church, people that I knew. And some of my old church people added me on facebook. And also yesterday I saw Funing from my old church, who visited my current church.

Fuzzy my guinea pig scratched me.

Sigh. I know I'm not being very encouraging right now in terms of my sharings with you but I'm just telling you how I feel.

Adrian

I had a weird dream last night that reminded me about Adrian. Well as I said yesterday, the summer camp reminded me of Adrian anyways, so I guess that's why I dreamt about it.

Remember how Pastor Ray told me that according to the Bible I should get back with Adrian since I shared my body with him? Well last week I found the verse that said that, it says basically that if a virgin sleeps with someone, then the girl should marry him. So I think that's where Pastor Ray got his reasoning. So am I going against God's law by not doing that?

It's like I can't escape Adrian. It's been almost a year since we broke up and sometimes I still feel attached to him. July 16th was when we broke up. My guinea pig was bought because I had broken up with Adrian. So as long as I have this guinea pig, somehow I will also be attached to Adrian. Because my guinea pig's birthday is close to the breakup day.

And whenever people ask me why I switched church, this will be also a reminder of what happened with Adrian. Whenever people ask me how long I've been at this church, it will also be a reminder.

I'm in a bit of a mess. I don't think I should tell Andrew my feelings because I'm still attached to Adrian in some way.

Telling Andrew

I'm really tired and wish I could take a nap. But here I am in the church children's ministry office, trying to figure out another two children's programs for tonight and tomorrow night. I really wish I didn't have to do this. I love kids, but up to a point.

And here I am really wanting to tell Andrew that I love him. But part of me tells me to wait, even though part of me wants to just email him right now to set up a good time to meet. Lillian says I should stop torturing myself and just tell him. I'm not sure what to do. I prayed about it and I know I should wait until the right time. But what is a good or right time? I don't know.

Seeing summer camp kids just now also reminded me of what happened last year, when I quit summer camp. It's not a good feeling. I'm so glad I don't need to help with summer camp anymore. I hope I never need to do summer camp ever again in my lifetime. It's so stressful and energy-demanding.

Part of me is asking myself, do I really want to be the Children's Intern for upcoming year? Or do I just want to quit? I know God told me to do it. But will I enjoy it?

I can't wait for tomorrow morning to come. Just don't want to do tonight's children's program. The kids at my day job are so much more quiet and listening. I pray that tonight will be alright.