Goodbye

Hello everyone.

This is the last post of this blog.  It's a new year (2015) and I am starting a new blog.

I feel that this blog was full of crazy boy drama and I no longer feel comfortable posting here.  I feel that the old me is gone and the new me has come.

The new blog will be purely talking about what I learn from the Bible and from God.

For personal stories and updates, please talk to me in person :D hahaha although I'm sure the Bible will speak to me personally too so there will be some personal sharing on the new blog too.

The new blog is www.martinesjourney.blogspot.ca

God bless you and Happy New Year!

:D

Your sis, Martine

Montreal trip and the aftermath

Right before my Montreal trip, I lost my phone.  Turns out it was at the bubble tea shop where me and Chris met up.  I must have been kind of nervous meeting Chris after so long.  So much so that I forgot to check my seat for my belongings when I left the bubble tea shop.  Well at least the bubble tea shop found it, and I got my phone back last Saturday when I met up with Chris again (he helped me find it at the bubble tea shop).

I don't have any feelings for Chris anymore, but for some reason I still thought (not did, just thought) about holding his hand or arm for a few seconds.  Maybe it's just cuz I was used to it back then.  And he is still so nice to me, insisting that he pay for my bubble tea and drive me all the way back home even though it's not convenient for him.  I don't know.  But we established we are just friends.

The Montreal trip was overall pretty good.  It was my first time traveling alone.  I mean, all the other times I stayed with someone I knew or traveled with someone I knew.  This is the first time I traveled alone and stayed at the hostel not knowing anyone there.  It's my 9th time in Montreal so it's kind of OK I guess.

I met David from OK Cupid for the first time.  I call him my brother.  On the Tuesday right before meeting me, a car crashed into him while he was on his bike.  So he was scraped up and upset when I saw him for the first time.  But other than that. we hung out and had food, walked around, visited bars, visited Schwartz and had smoked meat, went up and down Mont Royal, walked around and looked at rich houses... it was good.

I also met Alex from OK Cupid for the first time.  I was more nervous meeting him than meeting David, cuz I talked with David a lot over Skype beforehand and David likes another girl and is atheist so I know I wouldn't date him.  But with Alex I guess I felt maybe there was a possibility that he could be a potential boyfriend.  He seemed like he really cared about me, and he also used the Bible and prayer to encourage me.

Alex and I had poutine and walked around town together.  However, I still had my doubts because of some things that he said.  Now I'm even more worried about something else, which I will explain later.

I didn't just go to Montreal to meet with OK Cupid people, they were more like "extra".  I went to Montreal because I missed Montreal.  I wanted to be in that city again.  Emilie and Roodens were available too, so I met up with them as well.

With Emilie I went to Laval's big mall, and it was nice to catch up with her.  I would say that in the city of Montreal, she is my best friend.  We are not that close, but whenever I visit Montreal I try to visit her, and whenever she is in Toronto she tries to visit me.  We share together and pray together.

With Roodens, I was so happy that he could read the Bible verses I gave him.  He says he carries them in his bag everywhere every day.  He introduced me to his friend Durano, 17 years old, who is also an orphan and a Jehovah's Witness.  Unfortunately, after I added Durano on facebook, he started saying weird stuff that showed that he liked me romantically or at least was trying to flirt with me.  So I told him no.  Then he got mad.  I told Roodens to take care of him.  Hey, all I was trying to do was be his friend!  I didn't know a 17 year old guy could like a 26 year old woman!

Anyway I didn't think I liked Alex that much but somehow he was so caring and texted me a lot, and I started liking him more and more.  What made it worse was my parents and sister stalked him on facebook and my mom said encouraging things like how she hopes it will work out, and she thinks by looking at his face that he looks honest... (I'm not all for judging people based on their face, but both my sister and my mom have always judged people by their face and seeing how I've dated a lot of bad people, I rather trust them than myself)

Well at the same time, though, my mom wanted to be careful so she said I should make sure his church is not a cult.  Slowly as I started to research I started to panic.  I asked Alex about his beliefs and he didn't articulate it very well and it sounded skewed.  So now I have to ask him more questions to clarify, because some of the things he said sounded totally different from Christianity.  It could just be that he doesn't know how to explain it.  But I don't know.  Cuz it's not just the way he said it, it's also he follows a preacher, Titus Chu, and that preacher when I look him up, he is associated with this group of false teachers who don't believe in the Holy Trinity.

I don't know, I could be panicking for nothing, but I guess I'm just worried I'll have to deal with letting another good guy go, and it's because as a pastor I need a future husband who has the same beliefs as me, and someone who is strong in faith.  I talked to Andrew Chao about this, and Andrew thinks that Alex is not right for me.  Not only does he not know how to explain his beliefs, but he also has low self control (he admitted it himself).  And those two things are a problem for me.

That is why my head is spinning lately and I've been more stressed.  I really want to get down to the bottom of this.  Is his church a cult or not, and is he right for me or not?

OK I'm too tired to type anymore...

Update, new hopes and goals.

Hi dear friends,

Recently my dear brother in Christ Stephen has been checking my blog and noticed I haven't posted for a long time.  Sorry for the long silence.  Basically I just didn't feel the need to update, which is actually a good thing cuz things were pretty stable and I was feeling fine.  Of course, there were still interesting things that happened though, so I will try to update here a bit.

My bipolar was pretty non existent for the past two months, but suddenly last weekend I was quite suicidal.  I think mainly I felt like I was bad for committing the same sin over and over again.  It's always the same.  And I was sad because I couldn't seem to let go of Christos.  Same issue over and over again as well.

I tried my best to shake off the depression by listening to Christian music, which helped me enough to encourage me to go to church.  Cuz at first I didn't even want to go to church, I was that depressed.  At the 2nd church I cried.

I talked to an older sister in Christ, Jeannie, and she said I should not condemn myself for my sin.  My sexuality is part of me and God created us to want sex.  It is also harder because I am a single and I had sex before so it's hard to completely not want sex.  She said I have to remember Jesus wants me to live in freedom.

There were other things I was upset at myself about.  I felt I didn't really read and understand as much Bible as other pastors or classmates.  I was basically just disappointed in myself.

Randomly the depression suddenly left Sunday night and I started to accept myself again.  But the depression returned for a little while on Tuesday.

Now I am doing absolutely fine other than the fact that I haven't been sleeping restfully and someone just talked to me and gave me high blood pressure.  I won't say who.  But I'm listening to "Be Still my soul" by David Archuleta and it's very very calming.  And I'm taking deep breaths. And not talking to that person anymore.

Why do I still hang onto Christos? I don't really like him romantically, really.  It's mainly lust and wanting attention, which he gives.  And knowing that he did love me in the past and knowing he still wants me in a way now, even though not romantically, somehow it always draws me back to him.  I don't want to lose him as a friend, even though we barely have anything in common.  My head knows that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart still feels something for him.  I have no idea when my heart will start following my head.  I tried to force my heart so many times to let go, but it just doesn't want to.  Christos gives me comfort, affirmation, laughter, and touch.  I know he really does care about me.

----
Goals for myself:

1) Exercise 3 times a week starting in November
(this will be slightly easier now that my new workout buddy will be Jenny Poon)

2) Take Sabbath for a few hours each week every Tuesday
(trying it again)

3) Read more of the Bible.

4) Find mature Christians and positive people to hang out with more.
(Rev. Wang said hanging out with suicidal and needy people all the time is not good for me)

5) Always think of the positive in every situation, become the optimist I used to be.

Kind of OK

How am I doing today? I guess kind of OK.

Last Saturday night I went with Phila to her church, for a worship night.  It was great!  It was Stream of Praise, the mandarin speaking band from Taiwan that I listened to with my mom when I was a kid.

One of the ladies shared a testimony.  She said "Who wants a second chance with God tonight?"  And I stood up and raised my hand.  Many people stood up and raised their hands.  Tears came from my eyes and I felt restored at that moment.

Right now I am probably not 100% healed but I feel fine when I mention the past.  So I guess I am on the right track.

Nap dream

I just woke up from a nap in sweat and I had a very vivid dream.  I haven't had this vivid of a dream since a long time ago.  I wonder if it has any deeper meaning.

I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15.  On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house.  In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him.  But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me.  I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up.  And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil).  Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out.  Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.

I Am Not Alone

What a week.  First of all, I didn't update you guys about Grant did I?  Grant is the latest guy in my life.  I am not dating him but we were more than friends for sure.  He is 48 years old, and the only reason why that doesn't freak me out is that my mentor Angela married Willy who is 25 years older than her.  I won't go into too much detail but basically Grant is a weak Christian who has been through a lot, but he does have a good heart.

This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself.  But this week was an emotional up and down.  Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend.  I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past.  And I gave him a big hug.  Too big.  Well... it was too long.

That was Monday.  And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10.  And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath.  I saw how much I loved him.  I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.

But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody.  And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out.  Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer.  But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.

Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people.  And not enough sleep.  But one thing I did accomplish.  I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again.  Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.

I am not alone.  I have God.  I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single.  Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.

I also thought about how I am a Pastor.  No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach".  I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise.  So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.

I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word.  I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out.  Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down.  Nature and sunshine kind of helps too.  And sitting at Mcdonalds.

God is good.  He is my Healer.  I will overcome.

Yearning

Today I am really yearning.

Yearning for Montreal.  I kind of want to be there right now.  Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry.  But here I am studying for another two and half years.

I am really yearning for God.  This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director.  She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers.  She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.

I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband.  In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.

I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings.  I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload.  I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.

And part of me just wants to be done.  I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done.  Everyone! 

I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now.  I just really want to achieve my dreams.

Finding comfort in Jesus

These are Jesus's words....
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. 
“You’re blessed when you care. 
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. 

“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. 
Then you can see God in the outside world. 
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. 
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. 

“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. 
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. 
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. 
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. 
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! 
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. 
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
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Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say).  But Jesus does.  I love Jesus.  I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night.  I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too. 

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Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
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Jesus, you're my nightingale...

 

Encouraging day

"In the busyness of spiritual leadership and church activity, keep me, Lord, from boredom or burn-out. Help me to stay personally fresh in my enthusiasm for You, so that in turn I can pass that genuine enthusiasm on to the people with whom I minister. Amen."

-A. W. Tozer ---------------------------------- Sometimes, in order to feel better about life, I bury myself in work.  Other times, I bury myself in music or sleep.  Usually eventually I turn back to God and realize I just need Him.  Cuz work can end up to be draining, and I end up not taking care of myself.  On the other hand, sleeping too much is sort of taking care of myself but not really cuz I could be doing something more productive. In the end, I just need to take life slower than the fast pace that Torontonians usually take it, enjoy the scenery and laugh more, not care about what other people think or feel so sorry for myself of stuff I am missing. Today seeing my aunt and uncle helped because they are big jokers.  We went to the Panorama lounge with my grandpa, mom, and sister, and we took some pictures and ate some super expensive food.  But by the end I was laughing and smiling again and I felt hopeful again instead of ashamed of being myself. Thanks God for an encouraging day.

Feeling better

After hiding out in my bed for so long, today I finally did some productive work, and felt better.  Thank God I'm not depressed anymore!  I better not be depressed for at least the rest of the summer!

I also met up with a friend which helped me too.  And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together.  Finally some kind of vacation!

Life isn't so bad after all. :)

Slowly retreating within myself/Letter to God

Today I found out Ying and Aaron got engaged. 

Last Saturday I went to Agnes' bridal shower. 

Jen and Mathias got engaged recently too. 

One of my friends is in jail. 

I don't know how to describe how I feel about these things, but I can tell you how I've been acting lately.  I've been staying in bed longer, watching endless youtube videos, not wanting to do anything anymore, when I hang out with friends I try to force a smile, not wanting to ruin their mood.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I lie and say I'm not doing too bad.  I lost hope in many of my passions and goals.  I just want to avoid life and not think about the future.

I hate to be a downer but these days it seems I'm often thinking the negative.  My friends tell me it's OK to be single... I guess I don't really believe them.

I feel selfish.  I should be happy for others right?  I shouldn't just think about the negative right?  I should be using this time to do what makes me happy, serve the community, help others right?  I just lost that desire.

I'm scared to tell others but once again I thought of cutting my arm.  I'm not going to do it, but if I'm thinking about it, there must be something really wrong with me.  A lot of suppressed emotion, a cry in my heart that I find hard to express for fear that others will be worried for me, not wanting others to be sad for me.  I need a major vacation, I guess.

Last Saturday after Agnes' bridal shower, I texted Chris and you know what, I guess I missed him.  He was the closest thing I had to a future husband, I mean he met my grandpa and I met his parents.  He was husband material.  But I know I need to let him go.

I guess I never recovered from all the broken relationships.  I never recovered from my teenagers making me cry.  I never recovered from anything.  It's all still stuck in my heart.  Why aren't I strong enough?

I haven't even really talked to God about it.  Usually by now I would have had a heartfelt prayer, down on my knees, crying to God, or wrote to God in my blog.  This time it's weird, it's like I don't want to talk to God anymore.  Reading the Bible is so hard, my brain is thinking ten million things while I try to read the Bible.

But I guess I should try right?  I mean, God is the only one who will understand.  And it would let all my emotions out.  OK let me try....
----------------------------------------------

Dear God,

Thanks for patiently waiting for me to call on You.  You know I haven't really read your Word lately and I feel pretty bad about it, but I know You will forgive me.  Thanks for being compassionate towards me.

I just can't help but feel lonely lately.  I know You're there for me, but somehow I stubbornly think that's not enough.  I wish I was either happily single or in a relationship but I know what you would say.  You would probably gently remind me that whenever I was in a relationship, I was crazier.  My moods would be even worse than they are now.

It's so hard to look to You and gaze upon Your beautiful face when I'm looking around me and seeing what's missing in my life.  I want attention from others but when I receive it I pretend everything's OK cuz I don't want them to worry, I want them to be happy.

Please heal the pain and emptiness that's inside my heart.  Please help me to stop thinking of cutting myself or retreat pathetically into my bed and drown myself with youtube videos.  There is so much at stake in this world.  This world is crying out for our attention but I'm selfishly thinking about myself.  I always put off tasks now, events I wanted to organize have been put to the back burner.

I want to do so much for the church and for You but at the same time I can't even deal with myself right now.  Why is my bipolar so annoying?  Like why can't it go away?

Someday my Prince will come

No, I'm not obsessed about boys anymore, even though I met up with Harold today at Milliken Park and we had a really good chat.  I'm talking about the Prince of Peace, Jesus.  Today before Harold arrived, I went around the park by myself and even danced while listening to music under a willow tree.

It was really refreshing to see the ducks, hear the water from the pond's fountain, and not feel the need to work or check my phone constantly.  I know God was with me at the park, I felt a joy and peace.

Last night an incident happened and I was very anxious, sad, and hyperventilating.  But I'm OK now, thank God.  I never felt so ganged up before and I was hyperventilating all the way from Scarborough town centre, in the car ride home, and even when I got to my bedroom I was hyperventilating.

Thank God that certain people were there for me and I ended up calming down.

Right now my eyes are tired so I think I'm going to eat a snack and rest, then go to Arabic church.  May God give me strength and energy!

Hello once again!

I know I know it's been forever since I last posted... thanks for being patient with me.  I was going through some struggles and I felt too self-conscious and ashamed and confused to write anything here.  But I am happy to say that I think my life is getting back on track after a serious time of mania and depression.

My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop.  I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.

As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me.  I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self.  I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.

Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible.  The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field.  He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl.  This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)

So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"

His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?"  So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).

Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!

Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends.  I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view.  In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo.  Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.

Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day.  To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.

After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic.  I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.

Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap.  I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.

Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break.  I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday).  His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.

I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up .  The sunny weather helped too.

Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord.  I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever.  I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic!  Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!

well, that was a long post.  Thanks for reading.  :)  Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!

Thankful for time with family

Today, I spent time with my family plus my grandma.  It was a good time eating dim sum and doing a bit of chinese shopping.  It was interesting seeing three ginseng stores in the same area of the same mall compete against each other in business by trying to convince my grandma to buy more and more herbs or chinese medicinal ingredients at low prices.  Wow.

I was a bit emotional because last night I didn't sleep but I texted Chris and he listened, and my sister also cheered me up by telling me random things.  When I got home I spent time watching another movie, this one about marriage and weddings (the main character was a wedding planner) but for some reason I wasn't sad I was just happy to watch the movie.

I signed up for a Hip hop dance class downtown (finally!) and it was only 22 dollars on Groupon for 16 classes! Amazing! I'm excited to get back into dancing.  Must exercise more!  Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym for the Body Pump class to pump some iron.

Overall it was a good time with family, a rare time.  Thanks God for the wonderful day. :)

Hilarious movie called "Just Friends"

I found this hilarious movie while thinking about me and Chris being "just friends".  Basically I was thinking about how I could get advice or insight on me and him being "just friends", so I searched "just friends" in the Youtube search box... guess what, as fate would have it, or maybe God just has a sense of humor, the first thing that popped up was this movie "Just Friends" (2005)!

I watched the whole thing and I encourage you all to watch it, it's hilarious and it's basically about a guy named Chris who wants to stop being "just friends" with his best girl friend from high school.  Funny enough, just like Chris Ko, the Chris in this movie also drives a nice car, plays ice hockey, and goes to church to try to get his girl back (although Chris Ko did not do it in the exact same way that Chris in the movie did).  If this movie is not a sign from God, that's OK cuz I got a really good laugh out of it.  :P hahaha  all my stress is gone now!  YES WATCH THIS MOVIE GUYS

So much has happened... time for reflection and update!

Hello dear friends,

I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks.  All you need to know is briefly:  Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.

Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning.  What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way.  I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents.  Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.

Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much.  I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her.  I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people.  I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).

Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first.  I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.

Soon enough, my life revolved around other people.  I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God.  But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me.  However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.

Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work.  So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.

I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:

Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!


This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways.  But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)

I'll leave it there for now.  Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.

Hey everyone, check my Facebook

Hey everyone, lately I've been really busy with both drama and life, or a combination of the two.  I need to take a breather and I might not blog all the time.  However, all you need to know is, for now, I moved back to my parents' house.  I am back in my old bedroom.  Life is all good and I hope you can stay updated with my inspiring facebook posts cuz I usually post more updates there for more people to see.

But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda.  You know I was suffering to try to help her recover.  It was time for me to leave.  I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter.  The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.

Thanks for reading.  I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends.  God bless you.

God's will be done

(posted on facebook) The only good thing about good Friday is that God showed us today roughly 2000 years ago that He loved us by abandoning his only son Jesus on the cross. It was so that Jesus could save us from our sins that were destroying us. Jesus is my Lord, my friend, my Savior, my God. He is love and my reason to live. May God bless you with His love.

 Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\

Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships.   I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me.  I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids.  I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home.  Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.

Same thing with the cross.  The cross was a shameful way to die.  Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.

Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family 

After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.

God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can.  God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him?  Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM?  Because He LOVES you.  He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.

I realized why I want a tattoo.  Its a way of trying to heal myself.  It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love.  When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore.  Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful.  But because the cross saved me.  Jesus saved me.  I am healed in Jesus' name.

8th anniversary of my bipolar

(posted on my facebook)

Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.

Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.

Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.

And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...

And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.

Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.

• Martine Lee by the way, I am NOT going to stop taking my meds. I am not crazy anymore like that.

  il y a 14 minutes · J’aime
• 

  Martine Lee final by the way... PEOPLE LIKE US by Kelly Clarkson is about people with mental illnesses. watch the video... only people like us will get it... it's about a girl in a mental health facility, being diagnosed this and that, and the psychiatrist (kelly clarkson) finally understands her problems. She just needed to be with her family.

Ecclesiastes poem (from the Bible)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

----------------------------------------------------

OMYGOODNESSSSSSSSSS GUYS AND GALS...

I was SO wrong about Chris... while during our break, he actually prayed to God for a sign, whether or not he should choose Christianity.  And just 5 minutes later in Korea town, a Korean Christian came up to him to talk about Jesus.  They ended up talking for 1 hour!  And Chris accepted Christianity for himself!  WOW~! THANK GOD!

Chris wrote back to me, hurt by my words and actions, but willing to still be with me in the long run.  He believes Satan was trying to make me give up on the relationship.  I mean, so many well-meaning Christians were telling me that I should break up with him.  And I myself thought I was doing the right thing to break up with him.  Turns out we should not break up, but just take a break!

I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more.  I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.

Chris feels that the fact that he is my 8th boyfriend and we were together on the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder onset, and the fact that in Chinese 8 is a lucky number too, maybe this is also a sign from God that were were meant to be together.

In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau.  Because I am taking people's words way too seriously.  I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan.  God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.

  The movie Adjustment Bureau showed this lesson.

PLUS... the end scene of The Adjustment Bureau was filmed on Rockefeller Tower, one of the destinations that me and Chris went to in New York.  Connecting the dots here?  Signs from God!

The Bible does NOT say "See it, then believe it."  The Bible says "Believe it, then you will see it."  I have believed in my relationship with Chris but others did not.  When I was with him, I felt that God gave me many signs that I should be with him, that he was meant to follow me to Montreal... many signs such as the fact that Boston Pizza when we went there happened to have a Montreal boxer on TV that won, such as the fact that I saw many Quebec license plates of other cars while I was in Chris's car...

Most coincidentally of all, on the boat ride in New York, me and Chris were surrounded by a tour group of people from Quebec. I could hear their accent.  What are the chances that the one night that me and Chris went on the boat ride, the boat would be filled with Quebecers?

You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God.  God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.

I believe it was a miracle that God answered Chris's prayer and he ended up talking to the Korean missionary.  I believe it was a blessing for me to know Chris, and the New York trip being a healing trip for me where I regained a lot of lost memories that were erased by my bipolar disorder.  I felt that the first time around, God wanted me in New York to show me many things, but 2 weeks ago, God cancelled my plane flight because He wanted to show CHRIS many things.

It will all work out!  Just like the Bible verse Romans 8:28... "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose".

I'm so happy today! I didn't even sleep yesterday and I'm still so energetic!  I know God is working in my life!  YAYYYYYY Praise God!

Finally crying about it

It finally hit me today.  My heart is wounded.  I miss him and wish it could have worked out.  He was so good to me.  I questioned myself whether I am selfish to leave him.  But Christina and Golda told me I wasn't selfish.  It would have been selfish of me to hold on if I didn't see a future with him.  I never knew this would happen.

I can't even figure out what to type anymore.  I still love him.  Goodbye, Chris.

Broke up... but not officially? I don't know...

Last night I broke up with Chris.  At least I thought I did.   What I mean is, I wrote him a really long letter to break up, but I'm not sure if he even read it yet.  In my mind, we are broken up but he might still think there is a chance to change my mind when he comes back to Toronto and wants to meet up.

This past week I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to break up with him.  Monday and Tuesday I felt I should give him another chance and date him and help him grow, see if he can "catch up" to me spiritually, but later on in the week I was reminded that this would be expecting too much out of him and it would put pressure on him as well as make me not satisfied with his "slowness" of learning to grow closer to God.

All in all, I am better matched with someone who is already devoted to God, as I am a pastor and need someone to connect with spiritually.  I was never able to connect with Chris spiritually much.  Amazingly though when I said I wanted to break up he actually prayed out loud for the first time.

I still have feelings for him and want him back in my life in the future.  But for now, I felt that his spiritual health and God's will was more important than my selfish desires to keep this relationship.  Chris would grow better on his own without me in the mix, as I should not be his motivator but God should be.

I'm not even sad right now, I feel pretty happy and peaceful actually.  I'm just very concerned about Chris.  He sent me a message at 4am saying he didn't read my email but that he thought Satan got to me.  He seems to think Satan wants us to break up whereas I think God wants us to break up.

Guido his best friend said he was very down yesterday afternoon.  I thought that meant that he read the email but apparently not unless he was drunk at 4am.  I am also concerned how much Guido was able to support Chris because Guido drinks a lot.

I still care about Chris and if I were to see him it would be hard to hold back from holding on to him or hugging him tightly.  But I need to stand firm on my decision because that is what will be for the best.  After all, I am happy being single right now, even seeing a lot of couples at church doesn't phase me anymore.

Karl says he hopes Chris won't turn away from Christianity because of the breakup.  I pray that God will keep him steadfast and on his journey of faith .  I know it will take a lot of time and space to heal Chris's heart especially because I was his first real girlfriend and according to him, the only girl he ever loved and saw a future with.

I doubted enough in the past.  This time I'm sure I made the right decision.  God showed me way too many signs.  I'll explain it all to Chris when I see him I guess.

Learning about myself

Dear God,

Starting last Friday, I started missing Chris really badly.  It got worse and worse, and worst thing is, I lost focus off of You.  It started with me seeing couples together, both at the youth group and at Jen's birthday.  I started feeling like there was something I was missing.

The myth is that I need a guy to be happy.  It's a myth I believed most of my teenage and young adult life.  Today was the worst so far in terms of missing Chris because I started feeling like crying and wanting him back in my life right away.  I even asked him if I could talk to him today and yesterday I told him I wanted to get back with him.

My counselor had said, seek after God and wait for God's answer.  However, I did exactly the opposite.  I wasted time just lying around in bed wanting to forget everything and wanting to just feel peaceful and rested.  I didn't spend time in Your Word and I didn't pray much in a way that was centered upon God.  I let the issue of Chris and I's relationship get in between me and You.

But thank You Lord that Chris refused to speak to me today, which made me end up going online to look up Christian advice on dating and that helped me get back to focusing on You.  Lord, I am sorry for my sin and sorry for missing out on You during this time of missing Chris.  I guess I took my focus off of You and didn't follow my own advice of waiting for You and spending time with You.

God, I know You have the best plan for me and whether or not it includes Chris in my life, I will choose to trust You.  Please teach me to be more patient, because that is what You are.  Please teach me to love You first.  I mean, even Chris is seeking after You during this time, so I should too.  How can I be a godly wife if I don't even focus on You during this time of break between me and Chris?

Selena helped me figure out pros and cons of my relationship with Chris, but the most meaningful thing she said was Trust in God's will.  Only time will tell what Your will is, but I do want to follow Your will, Lord.  May your will be done.

Thanks for pointing me back to You, God.  Please help me to stop being a hypocrite and really follow my own advice, to wait for Your answer, to wait upon You and focus on You, to spend time in Your Word.

So much happened... and will happen

Hello dear blog reader friends,

It's a long story, and it's hard for me to share because maybe you won't believe me and think I'm crazy.  But this past Monday I was supposed to get on a plane to New York to spend time with Chris from Monday night to Friday (tomorrow) afternoon.  However, a series of messages from God convinced me that I should not go.  It wasn't just that two of my close friends warned me that going to New York was a bad idea.  I also had a little voice in my heart that said "Martine, please don't go" repeatedly, and also the flight got cancelled ten minutes before my taxi for the airport was supposed to come.  There were too many signs leading me to believe that I shouldn't go.

I skyped Chris after the flight got cancelled and explained why I think God is trying to speak to me, and why I wouldn't want to wait until the next flight.  I didn't want to be like Jonah in the Bible, disobeying God and getting swallowed by a whale (in my case, obviously I wouldn't be swallowed by a whale but I would be probably stuck at the airport or get into some kind of bad accident).  God only does things for our good.  I know I wasn't happy with Chris, looking back, I wasn't satisfied with the relationship.

After I told Chris I wasn't going, I told him we should take a one week break of silence, pray more, and ask God whether this relationship should continue.  He messaged me the next day saying he realized he was wrong about the homeless man and wrong about thinking I went out on a date with Brian Mak.  He is now willing to seek God, go to church more, read the Bible, grow, and get involved in the church.

I replied saying he shouldn't do it for my sake but for his own sake, and that after that message I need a one week break of silence.

This week of silence has been the best week ever. I think of Chris often but I feel happy without him.  I feel free, I feel I did the right thing. I feel very peaceful after cancelling the trip to New York.  I am more focused on God and my work.  I am happy that this drastic thing also drove Chris to focus on God more.  It's for his own good.

Of course, I don't know what will happen after I tell him next monday that my final decision is to break up.  I plan to talk to him about options of what we can do to stay acquaintances, still go to the same church, and my decision is to stay single and have another discussion with him on Dec. 1st after he has had 8 months to focus on God and see whether we should get back together.

That is what I think so far.  I am feeling absolutely fine right now, not faking it, not trying to mask anything, not trying to suppress anything.  I am truly happy.  And I have found myself again.

Someone worth dying for

I don't know anymore (written last Sunday, too scared to post it until now)

Dear God,

I need to say it out.  Chris and Golda do not have access to this blog, so there will be no drama caused by what I say.  Surprisingly, they are the closest people to me, yet I don't trust them with this blog.  I don't trust them with what I'm about to say.

Golda says looking back, she regrets pressuring Chris to ask me out back in late November.  She regrets it because she saw the pain I was in from all the fights me and Chris had.  Lately me and Chris are better, but the issues are still underneath in my mind.  I told him we need to see the counselor together in May.  That's how serious I am about determining whether he is right for me.

Chris supports me in many ways, but he cannot support me by helping me grow spiritually.  And as we all know, God is the biggest part of my life.  Jesus and church is basically my life.  Yes, Chris is willing to come to church. He is willing to follow God's ways.  But today's conversation with Gideon and a text from Andrew made me think twice...

Today I went to Hallelujah church in the morning because a guy there named Gideon offered to fix my computer.  He brought me out to lunch and was even willing to pay for the lunch if I didn't have cash.  Not only that, but we had a very engaging conversation.  We talked mostly about God and church and how to help people.  I really enjoyed the conversation.  To be honest, me and Chris never ever talked about these types of things.  I felt like I enjoyed my talk with Gideon more than all the talks I had with Chris combined.

I don't have feelings for Gideon.  But seeing him give a crying girl a hug and care so much for others, it makes me think and compare... I know I shouldn't be comparing but I can't help it.  Gideon is the type of person who can give a spiritual girl what she needs... spiritual support.  Chris is not as "far along" in the journey of faith as Gideon is.  I know I should be patient, but... I have my doubts.

Is Chris even going to like Montreal?  Is he even going to like being a pastor's husband?  He doesn't know what he is even getting himself into... why am I going so fast into the relationship, already thinking about what we will name our kids?  Am I wasting my time?

Andrew who is very spiritual as well, disagrees with my relationship with Chris. Golda is right.  If our relationship was strong, no one could get between us.  But something Andrew said seemed right.  He said, if someone is only exploring Christianity, or in the beginning stages, they are not right to marry a pastor.

Look at one of my friends... recently she fell into sin because the guy didn't protect her purity.  I know I am at fault when I get tempted sexually... Chris never led me into sin... but indirectly he is so passive that he didn't stop me either.  I don't know if I can share with anyone what I'm feeling now except for You, God.

God, please help me find the right one.  God, may your will be done.  Please help Chris recover if I'm not supposed to marry him and if we end up separating.  Most of all, please help him to get better spiritually and grow to love you more.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Finding myself again

Dear All,

I'm sorry I didn't update in so long.  Truth is, I lost myself over the past months.  I got too caught up trying to help people and lost myself.  Let me explain my thoughts, because today I finally realized everything and started to care about myself again.

I was wondering why I was so lazy the past few days.  I was so lazy that I left my church work to the last minute, spent hours on Youtube browsing instead of doing my homework (got a zero for not doing it on time), and just didn't have any inspiration for anything.

Then today after talking to the counselor I took a lot of time to think about my life and as I realized more and more about myself I cried more and more.  Not tears of depression, but tears of finally "getting it".  Tears of realization and feeling touched by what I learned about myself.

Most of my life many people kept on telling me, "don't overload yourself", "take time to be by yourself and relax", "love yourself".  But I never admitted that I had a problem.  I thought I was OK.  I didn't realize that my identity was revolving around other people.  I felt the way I could be happy was to either make everyone else happy, and my worth would be found in being there for everybody and being the best leader and best friend possible.

I put so much pressure on myself that I started seeing my friends less and less unless they had a problem that they wanted me to listen to.  I started putting pressure on myself to be a great leader, working away for the church, and being strong or appearing strong so that I wouldn't let anyone down.

Don't get me wrong, I was not trying to help others just to feel good about myself.  I truly had compassion for others and I wanted to see them grow.  But I neglected myself and didn't care for my own happiness.  I felt others were more important than me, that I had to be the strong one.

Drowning myself in work, I didn't spend enough time grieving over my four friends who died, I didn't see the counselor for 4 months straight, and I stopped hanging out with Aaron and his friends from church.  Little did I know that I was neglecting myself from happiness.

I found my happiness in work only.  Unfortunately.  And when work became stressful and drama and problems started happening in my life, I clung onto Chris and Golda.  I neglected to turn to my other friends, and when Golda and Chris became triggers because I would have issues with them, I broke down.

Then I only had the counselor to cling onto for help.  I felt alone.  However, slowly I started getting help, not just from the counselor but from Nadia and Pastor Victor and Pastor Wang.  I slowly started to open up about my problems again and work through my own issues.

Today I cried a lot because I realized I missed being with Aaron and the church friends at Aaron's house.  Those were the happiest times of my life because this group of friends really showed God's love to me in a way that is so special.  This group would accept you as you are, appreciate you, selflessly give their time and money to help you, a true family.  They would have fun without alcohol ( I was never that big on alcohol anyway ), and have the most laughs like for example at the Christmas and birthday parties.

Don't get me wrong, I have good friends who are not Christian too.  I don't judge if you drink alcohol or whatever.  I appreciate my non Christian friends too.  But what I mean is that my life's happiest moments were at Aaron's house.  And I missed those times deeply today.  These are the friends who didn't give me drama, and if drama happened to me, they would support and pray for me.  They would check up on me once in a while, and they bore with me when I went wild with my so many romantic relationships.

I realized I went wild and dated Christos because I was overworked and wanted to feel wild and free from work.  Christos gave me temporary happiness and support so I clung onto him.  I clung onto the wrong thing.  I went insane from overworking myself basically.

I stopped doing things I enjoyed, such as dancing and singing.  I stopped caring about myself, eating poorly and not even writing much in my blog anymore.  Chris tried to encourage me to care for myself and all that, but I was drowning in drama and my own problems.

I basically sacrificed myself to help people , especially helping Golda.  But in two months time, I am going to move out of Golda's place and move to Aaron's basement.  I think I will become much happier there.  I'll have room to self reflect and care for myself again.  I won't have to worry about making Golda happy or fear of triggering her.  She is doing much better now anyway and it's not fair that I am doing worse.

My brain hurts from remembering all those good memories at Aaron's parties and crying because I missed those friends so much.  These are the friends that I actually really want to introduce to other friends and to Chris, because they are so caring.

I had a good phone chat with Jen today.  She was really happy for me that I finally realized all these things and she says this just means I will move forward from here.  She encouraged me to write the thoughts down so here I am writing. 

Golda knows I'm going to move out and thank God she was understanding.  She knows that this was only a step in my journey and I'll grow more when I'm away from her house, because my "mission" at her house was pretty much accomplished since she is feeling better now anyways.

I'm thankful for Chris who has been supporting me through this too.  Even though he is overworked in New York, he always makes time to talk to me on Skype.

I'm finding myself again.  Finally.  Today I hugged myself and cried.  Finally I learn to love myself again.  My worth is not found in others.  I am loved and cared for.  Today I sang and I went to the gym dance class. It's a start.

I'm annoyed at life again

Things I'm annoyed with...

My foot was bleeding because of my new boot, I always break my boots and have bad luck with boots.
I have cuts all over my hands because of eczema and random don't even know how I cut myself.
I got fatter. My ring doesn't fit anymore and my ring finger is an awkward shape because part of it is skinny and part of it is fat because of the ring.
I can't seem to ever be cheered up. I'm always looking tired and sad.  If someone cheers me up, it's not for long.
My dad was asleep today so I couldn't see him.  My mom was not understanding of my bipolar, again.
My computer is still making weird noises.
I hate wasting money.
I'm so annoyed I'm not even going to finish writing this post.

A night of remembering and tears

I haven't slept yet.  (it's 7:42am right now)

Last night I started my "work of grief".  For the first time after Alana's death, I told someone (Golda) how much I missed her, my memories of her, and cried it out.  I told her my regret of not visiting her one more time before she died.

I also shared about my heartbreak with my first boyfriend, which I never fully got over because I kept filling the empty hole with a new guy and then a new guy and then a new guy.

I cried so much.  I shared about my family, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom. Mostly I was sad because my dad thinks I don't love him, and I don't feel much love from him either.  I realized he has some mild form of OCD too, which makes me understand him more.

I thought about Chris, how lately I've been hiding my sadness away from him.  I tried to be strong every time I went on Skype with him.  I wanted him to be happy because he said when I'm happy then he's happy.  But Golda said I shouldn't fake it.  I need to show my true grief in order to get over it.

My life is so broken.  I wish that I was fully healed but it's a process.  I know God will use my weakness for His glory and His glory will end up making things great.  I have learned a lot from my problems.  I am growing.

Hopefully I don't snap today at my mom's birthday lunch.  I'm really fragile when I have no sleep.  If I can't take it anymore I will skip the reunion to see Ying.  She would understand.

Lessons Learned

Lessons learned for my relationship with Chris:

1) more one on one time and I shouldn't drag him into my friends problems
2) don't assume what other ppl say is true
3) realize we will not leave each other. Unless we talked about it in person. Dont assume things from text or Facebook
4) when we have an issue try not to talk about it on Facebook or text. Miscommunication happens.
5) if someone doesn't think we are right for each other. . Screw what they said and ignore it
6) try ur best to resolve the issue btw the two of us and only bring in a third person if that doesn't work . Otherwise bringing a third person complicates the matter

Lessons learned about my weaknesses:

1) I have a problem saying "no".  I always want to please people. 
2) I believe everything that almost everyone says.  I have trouble forming my own opinion.
3) I am too self sacrificial.  Helping others at the expense of my own happiness and not taking care of myself.
4) I take a lot of things personally.  When someone says something, I take it to heart. 
5) I'm afraid of breakup.  I'm afraid of being considered selfish and a hypocrite.  I'm afraid of not being useful or being useless. I'm afraid people I know will die or commit suicide.
6) I don't know how to budget.  Money is totally abstract to me.

Goals I have for the near future:

1) Learn to take care of myself better by saying "no" to people I really can't help.  Whether it is time constraint or emotional constraint.
2) Take everything people say with a grain of salt.  Make up my own mind after praying and thinking over all the options.  Don't be so gullible.
3) Make sure I do things that make myself happy too, not just others happy.
4) Tell myself that sometimes people say things out of anger or their own problems, not because of me or anything I did.
5) Don't be afraid.  Trust God and trust in Chris.  If people think I'm selfish, just remind myself I'm not.  And everyone is a hypocrite in some way.  No need to worry.  Everyone will die, just make the best of each moment while I can.
7) Um... look at my bank account and stop giving free money away.

I have to let it out

This is a post to let out all my feelings, bad and good.  I will start with the bad, hopefully by the end of it I will be happy again.

I hate being so emotional.  I hate crying so easily.
I hate being so fragile.  I hate having to take care of other people while I myself am hurting.
I hate having to worry about suicidal people.
I hate how I'm behind in school, even though I only have one course.
I hate how I haven't played piano, guitar, or violin for fun anymore.
I hate how when I sing I don't sing well anymore, because I didn't have the time or space to practice.
I hate how I haven't taken dance lessons in so long.
I hate where I am living right now.  Lopsided bed, inconvenient washing machine and dryer, having to do the dishes at a certain time, and being so inconveniently far away from Food Basics.
I hate my computer, making weird noises, got wrecked by Golda's cousin, had to get it fixed for 50 dollars and it's still not completely fixed, what a waste.
I hate walking to school, takes 35 minutes every time.
I hate how all the crises came back to back.
I hate how my dad doesn't like me and chose to gave all the money to my sister.
I hate how I am a pastor yet I struggle with reading the Bible, I didn't even read the whole Bible yet.
I hate how I only get 2 Sundays off a year.
I hate how my psychiatrist was so far away and wasted my time.
I hate how I am short on money and people need my money.
I hate how Bryan died of suicide.
I hate how I missed my four friends' funerals.
I hate how I have to fake a smile and pretend to be happy just so that others don't worry.
I hate being pessimistic.
I hate living in some other family's house and seeing all the drama.
I don't belong here!!!!
I hate how I can't tell Golda everything I feel, otherwise she will feel like it's all her fault.
I hate it when Golda triggers me, bothers me, annoys me, tells me lectures, gets between me and Chris, makes me cry, makes me feel controlled.
I hate how Peggy and Selena give me friendship drama.
I hate how Christina doesn't agree with me being a pastor and wants to convince me to stop being a pastor.
I hate how Jack isn't getting any better.
I hate being so self sacrificial.
I hate how I feel like I can't tell Chris everything because then it will bring him down.  Or make him sad or worry about me.
I hate how I don't hang out at Aaron's house anymore.
I hate when people tell me Chris is not the right one for me.
I hated it when Gloria brought Christos to the fellowship and then I quit being lifegroup leader.
I hate how I think about cutting myself.
I hate how I get so easily angry and sad whenever I visit my parents' house.
I hate how I always fall asleep in class. What a waste of money.
I want to run away.

I'm thankful I have God.
I'm thankful my best friends are still here.
I'm thankful I have a place to live.
I'm thankful I can help others.
I'm thankful I have Chris.
I'm thankful my dreams will get achieved.
I'm thankful I have my own CD, I have a wonderful job.
I'm thankful I am making a difference.
I'm thankful I have a family who cares for me.
I'm thankful I have music.
I'm thankful I can talk to my counselor and mentors and good friends.
I'm thankful I can exercise and go to the gym.
I'm thankful that I'm musical.
I'm thankful that Golda is here to support me.
I'm thankful that I got to know Bryan before he died.
I'm thankful I got to know Ade, Alana, and Mr. Kumar before they died.
I'm thankful I got to go to Montreal many times.
I'm thankful I can still speak French pretty well.
I'm thankful I have a computer at all.
I'm thankful I have many happy memories with Chris and Golda.
I'm thankful I have Selena.
I'm thankful I have Thuy.
I'm thankful I have Karl, Jen, and Aaron.
I'm thankful people care about me and say I'm inspiring.
I'm thankful I live in Canada.
I'm thankful I have enough to eat.
I'm thankful I know how to write.
I'm thankful that I will eventually get better from this damned bipolar disorder.
I'm thankful that I have a tattoo on my back.
I'm thankful I get the chance to go to school and still get good marks.
I'm thankful Jesus saved me.
I'm thankful that one day things will get better.
I'm thankful that Chris is a Christian and is a really great guy.
I'm thankful the snow is sparkly.
I'm thankful for Walter.
I'm thankful for everyone I meet, actually.
I'm thankful that Jack is being taken care of.
I'm thankful that God is watching over me.