I Am Not Alone

What a week.  First of all, I didn't update you guys about Grant did I?  Grant is the latest guy in my life.  I am not dating him but we were more than friends for sure.  He is 48 years old, and the only reason why that doesn't freak me out is that my mentor Angela married Willy who is 25 years older than her.  I won't go into too much detail but basically Grant is a weak Christian who has been through a lot, but he does have a good heart.

This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself.  But this week was an emotional up and down.  Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend.  I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past.  And I gave him a big hug.  Too big.  Well... it was too long.

That was Monday.  And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10.  And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath.  I saw how much I loved him.  I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.

But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody.  And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out.  Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer.  But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.

Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people.  And not enough sleep.  But one thing I did accomplish.  I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again.  Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.

I am not alone.  I have God.  I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single.  Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.

I also thought about how I am a Pastor.  No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach".  I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise.  So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.

I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word.  I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out.  Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down.  Nature and sunshine kind of helps too.  And sitting at Mcdonalds.

God is good.  He is my Healer.  I will overcome.