Slowly retreating within myself/Letter to God

Today I found out Ying and Aaron got engaged. 

Last Saturday I went to Agnes' bridal shower. 

Jen and Mathias got engaged recently too. 

One of my friends is in jail. 

I don't know how to describe how I feel about these things, but I can tell you how I've been acting lately.  I've been staying in bed longer, watching endless youtube videos, not wanting to do anything anymore, when I hang out with friends I try to force a smile, not wanting to ruin their mood.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I lie and say I'm not doing too bad.  I lost hope in many of my passions and goals.  I just want to avoid life and not think about the future.

I hate to be a downer but these days it seems I'm often thinking the negative.  My friends tell me it's OK to be single... I guess I don't really believe them.

I feel selfish.  I should be happy for others right?  I shouldn't just think about the negative right?  I should be using this time to do what makes me happy, serve the community, help others right?  I just lost that desire.

I'm scared to tell others but once again I thought of cutting my arm.  I'm not going to do it, but if I'm thinking about it, there must be something really wrong with me.  A lot of suppressed emotion, a cry in my heart that I find hard to express for fear that others will be worried for me, not wanting others to be sad for me.  I need a major vacation, I guess.

Last Saturday after Agnes' bridal shower, I texted Chris and you know what, I guess I missed him.  He was the closest thing I had to a future husband, I mean he met my grandpa and I met his parents.  He was husband material.  But I know I need to let him go.

I guess I never recovered from all the broken relationships.  I never recovered from my teenagers making me cry.  I never recovered from anything.  It's all still stuck in my heart.  Why aren't I strong enough?

I haven't even really talked to God about it.  Usually by now I would have had a heartfelt prayer, down on my knees, crying to God, or wrote to God in my blog.  This time it's weird, it's like I don't want to talk to God anymore.  Reading the Bible is so hard, my brain is thinking ten million things while I try to read the Bible.

But I guess I should try right?  I mean, God is the only one who will understand.  And it would let all my emotions out.  OK let me try....
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Dear God,

Thanks for patiently waiting for me to call on You.  You know I haven't really read your Word lately and I feel pretty bad about it, but I know You will forgive me.  Thanks for being compassionate towards me.

I just can't help but feel lonely lately.  I know You're there for me, but somehow I stubbornly think that's not enough.  I wish I was either happily single or in a relationship but I know what you would say.  You would probably gently remind me that whenever I was in a relationship, I was crazier.  My moods would be even worse than they are now.

It's so hard to look to You and gaze upon Your beautiful face when I'm looking around me and seeing what's missing in my life.  I want attention from others but when I receive it I pretend everything's OK cuz I don't want them to worry, I want them to be happy.

Please heal the pain and emptiness that's inside my heart.  Please help me to stop thinking of cutting myself or retreat pathetically into my bed and drown myself with youtube videos.  There is so much at stake in this world.  This world is crying out for our attention but I'm selfishly thinking about myself.  I always put off tasks now, events I wanted to organize have been put to the back burner.

I want to do so much for the church and for You but at the same time I can't even deal with myself right now.  Why is my bipolar so annoying?  Like why can't it go away?

Someday my Prince will come

No, I'm not obsessed about boys anymore, even though I met up with Harold today at Milliken Park and we had a really good chat.  I'm talking about the Prince of Peace, Jesus.  Today before Harold arrived, I went around the park by myself and even danced while listening to music under a willow tree.

It was really refreshing to see the ducks, hear the water from the pond's fountain, and not feel the need to work or check my phone constantly.  I know God was with me at the park, I felt a joy and peace.

Last night an incident happened and I was very anxious, sad, and hyperventilating.  But I'm OK now, thank God.  I never felt so ganged up before and I was hyperventilating all the way from Scarborough town centre, in the car ride home, and even when I got to my bedroom I was hyperventilating.

Thank God that certain people were there for me and I ended up calming down.

Right now my eyes are tired so I think I'm going to eat a snack and rest, then go to Arabic church.  May God give me strength and energy!

Hello once again!

I know I know it's been forever since I last posted... thanks for being patient with me.  I was going through some struggles and I felt too self-conscious and ashamed and confused to write anything here.  But I am happy to say that I think my life is getting back on track after a serious time of mania and depression.

My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop.  I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.

As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me.  I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self.  I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.

Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible.  The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field.  He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl.  This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)

So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"

His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?"  So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).

Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!

Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends.  I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view.  In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo.  Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.

Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day.  To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.

After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic.  I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.

Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap.  I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.

Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break.  I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday).  His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.

I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up .  The sunny weather helped too.

Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord.  I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever.  I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic!  Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!

well, that was a long post.  Thanks for reading.  :)  Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!