Hello once again!

I know I know it's been forever since I last posted... thanks for being patient with me.  I was going through some struggles and I felt too self-conscious and ashamed and confused to write anything here.  But I am happy to say that I think my life is getting back on track after a serious time of mania and depression.

My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop.  I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.

As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me.  I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self.  I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.

Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible.  The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field.  He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl.  This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)

So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"

His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?"  So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).

Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!

Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends.  I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view.  In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo.  Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.

Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day.  To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.

After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic.  I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.

Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap.  I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.

Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break.  I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday).  His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.

I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up .  The sunny weather helped too.

Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord.  I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever.  I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic!  Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!

well, that was a long post.  Thanks for reading.  :)  Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!