Very Thankful and Happy :)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:28
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Wow, I am so thankful and happy :)

Last Thursday I got a message from Christina saying that she didn't feel comfortable renting out the room to me.  I wasn't upset or anything. I just took it as God's plan. Interruptions in my plan or sudden changes are starting to phase me less and less, because I believe everything will end up working out for those who love God. 

The day after I got the message from Christina, I was going online and found a room for rent on the Tyndale website.  It just so happened to be a Christian lady who founded a charity organization that I support.  Her name is Anne and I never met her until yesterday when I went to see her house, but I knew about her before from the charity letters.  Amazing right?

And it just so happened she lives near Chester Le and my church, and this makes it so much easier for outreach work to be done when I live around the same area that I am outreaching to.  It's only 450 a month and she is extremely nice.

So yeah, Sept 1st I am moving there !  It's near Finch and Victoria Park so it's super easy to get to school, Charis, and my parents' home too.  PERFECT!

Praise God! :)

Also, today the pastor at Charis told me that I'm getting paid $1200 a month starting Sept.  GREAT.  :)

I'm also planning on applying for OSAP (they give out free grants, not just loans) and ODSP, just to get more money wherever I can and hopefully still have money after I graduate from Tyndale to pay OSAP back as well as some money to go to Montreal for an internship.

YAY, happy times! :)

The Armor of God (Ephesians 6)

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Start getting used to surprises

YAY, I'm done my Hebrew exam! I think I did OK... there were things I didn't know but it seems like I passed at least.

Well, I realized that to be less stressed and happier in life, sometimes you need to lower your expectations and be ready for surprises.  Take life as it comes.  Because today Christina texted me and said that the room rental is not available anymore.  I don't blame her and I'm not upset.  Just that now I have to figure out should I stay at home (which I don't want to) or should I move out still (have to find a place).

I really don't know anymore.  Maybe that's why the Bible says "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what tomorrow will bring" and "do not say to yourself, tomorrow I will go to this or that city".  Nothing in life is stable and so you have to just take it step by step.

Wonderful song :)

A new chapter in my life starting soon

Things are looking up :)  I did well on the past 2 Hebrew quizzes (got A's!!!) and the final exam is this Thursday, and I feel that I will be ready by then.  YAY!!! So looking forward to relaxing and having fun after the Hebrew class is done.

Yesterday morning I got a call from Rev. Wang (the pastor from Charis Evangelical Free Church) and he told me I passed the application to become their Youth Worker! I will start as Youth Worker at their church (which meets Sun. afternoons) in September. :) Thank God!  I have a job and I love it already (I started volunteering with them already so the teens are starting to get to know me)!

This means that I have the money to move out.  So in mid-August I plan to move to Christina and Riley's place, even though it's far (Vic Park and Eglinton) but at least it's cheap (350 a month) and I know them well.  I'm growing up!

I'm slowly letting go of Christos... thank GOD!  It's about time!  Thank God he didn't text me for a week now.  It gives me room to breathe.  I still think of him now and then but the feelings are not strong anymore.  Time to move on!

Fun things to do before school starts again:

-go to Harbourfront with Thuy
-go to the beach with Selena
-karaoke with Peggy
-chasing waterfalls with cell group
-put up more youtube videos of my singing
-try Muay Thai (martial arts) and kick some butt

Things to accomplish before school starts again (work-related):

-organize the Annual event for Chester Le
-work on Chester Le food bank map
-organize and plan Chester Le music/poetry group
-work on poetry booklet
-get the stupid OSAP documents in
-renew drivers license
-renew passport
-figure out where my psychiatrist went
-buy course textbooks for Sept
-figure out my budget for the next year
-teach Melissa singing techniques

Taken advantage of

After I became a Christian I became extremely nice to everyone.  I am not trying to boast, I am just telling the truth.  I know non-Christians can be really nice too, but I used to be not nice before I became a Christian.  But the problem is I didn't know how to set boundaries and I was also gullible, so in gr. 7 my friends Shawn and Andrew told me that I was too nice and that people would take advantage of me.  They were right.

Looking back over the years, I have been taken advantage of by many people.  Some people I was aware that they were taking advantage of me.  Others, I wasn't even aware because I thought I was just doing them favors out of love and I had no problem.

But today my heart is a little bit hurt because one of my friends, in a way, took advantage of me.  At first I didn't realize this but now that I have realized it, it hurts.  I won't mention the name but she was supposed to be with me for a trip but then she ditched me for a guy whom she doesn't even really love.

Anyway, I know that Jesus understands.  I don't think Jesus was a doormat but he did give up his life for us and we have taken advantage of him in some ways, because we took him for granted or keep on sinning without any regard for his feelings or his sacrifice.  So I know he understands.

When I got home today I felt alone again.  My sister was hanging out with Nick and once again I was thinking about Harold how he never contacts me and Christos whom I have stopped contacting.  I won't talk too much about it because I don't want my blog to end up talking about guys all the time again but just wanted to mention because that's how I feel.  I know I should be single for now, it's just that Ankie got married yesterday and she is younger than me and found the right guy and I know she will be happy.

Took me forever to understand this verse

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  - Psalm 37:4

Instead of trying to explain it, I will share a song:

I dreamed a dream

There is a song on my debut CD called "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables.  I watched the movie twice and Anne Hathaway does an amazing job at making the song super depressing.  So I decided to put up Christina Grimmie's version (mainly because she is cheerful but also she sings well) so that you guys don't start crying rivers.

My debut CD album has mostly inspiring songs but "I dreamed a dream" was the only depressing one.  However in the CD jacket, with the limited space I had, I wanted to convey that God IS forgiving, and He does give us hope.  Even though the people in the movie Les Mis lived very sad lives, what I got from the film was that God still connected all the people in the movie somehow, through these difficulties.  If you read the book you will know what I mean, because there is a lot that the book tells that the movie doesn't show.

The story is very complicated but if you don't plan on reading the book you can read the Sparknotes http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/lesmis/summary.html

And you will see what I mean by God connecting everyone together.  :)  I know it's a work of fiction but I do believe God uses "coincidences" to connect people together in real life too.  HAHA just like how I met Selena my UTSC library buddy! HAHA!

I saw Jesus crying

Last night as I was laying on my bed, struggling with temptations and after a day of crying, I closed my eyes and I saw Jesus crying.  I saw his beautiful face, his sad eyes looking at me, tears streaming down his face.  I know why he was crying.  He loves me and wants my time, my devotion, my love.  And every time I want to sin, and fall into sin, it hurts him.  It hurts him because he loves me and doesn't want me to run to things that don't satisfy in the long run.  It hurts him because he knows that sin hurts me.  He also cries because he knows it's hard for me.  He understands my pain and longings.  He is not a weak God, but he is a compassionate God.  He is gentle.  He is true love.

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Dear Jesus,

I'm sorry that I made you sad by running away from you and your love.  Thanks for holding me when I cry, instead of condemning me, you put your loving hand on my head to comfort me.  I'm so broken, God, I'm so broken.  I need to start the journey home.  I need to say goodbye to Christos and all those other guys I loved in my life, and go home to where you are.

Thanks for forgiving me and forgetting my sin.  Your grace is amazing.  The journey home may be painful at first, but it's better in the long run.  Once I get home I know you're going to throw me a party, put a ring on my finger, and give me the best clothes.  Things I don't deserve but you do it anyway because you love me.

This is it.  No more running away, no more trying to cling onto a guy.  Please help change my thoughts, Jesus, help me to focus on you.  All the things of this world will fade away but in the end, You remain.

Love, Martine

After seeing the counselor

Today I went to see my counselor, I didn't see her for so long and I really needed to talk to her.  One thing I like about my counselor is she never tells me what to do.  She always listens and asks questions to help me figure it out on my own.  She is never judgmental or shocked at the crap I go through or put myself through.  She does give suggested books and sometimes suggestions but only after I have realized a problem on my own.

Today we talked about how I always value others' opinions of me and I hang onto the words they say.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I value people's opinions as a 9 and I value my own opinion as a 2.  This is because I want to be liked, approved of, and I want others to think well of me (like that I am a good example, etc).  It's like my identity is built upon what others say or what others think of me.  I don't have an identity of my own, or at least I don't know what it is.

And we talked about how I have needs like I need words of affirmation, encouragement, physical touch (like just to be held, long hugs), and you know I'm so busy helping others, trying to help them with their problems or trying to help them know God, that I don't realize that I have needs too.  And I end up trying to fill my needs through a guy.

That's why when Christos held me that Tuesday, I felt so at peace, because he gave me what I needed.  But these are just "quick fixes", band-aid solutions.

I need to verbalize to my friends, tell them I need a hug, tell them I need encouragement and support rather than advice.

I'm so broken, I am a broken person trying to help other broken people while I'm still bleeding.  That's what is happening to me.

I told Christos I can't talk to him everyday anymore.  He texted me twice but I didn't reply.  I have no hard feelings towards him, I just need space to heal.  I told Karen (my counselor) that Christos was like God to me in a way, even though I know he is not God but he gave me constant affirmation, told me I was beautiful everyday, was never mad at me, always ready to support me, gave me so much attention and affection.

I know if Jesus was still on earth he would do the same thing.  (the constant love and all that)

But Christos is still not Jesus.  He is just a human being while Jesus is a perfect God.  In the Bible, Jesus once met a Samaritan woman who lived a broken life.  She has had five husbands in her life, and then the man she was now living with was not her husband.  She went to draw water from the well at noon, the hottest part of the day, because she was ashamed and didn't want to hear other women's gossip about her.  And Jesus told her (metaphorically) that she was thirsty but the water she drew from the well would make her thirsty again.  But that Jesus had living water, water that would quench her thirst and she would never thirst again.

I realize now the impact of Jesus' words.  Me, thirsty for love, tried to look for it in guys just like the Samaritan woman.  But the only one who can really quench my thirst is Jesus.  He is the living water for my soul.

Last week I canceled plans with friends (Lidia and Thuy) to study.  I did my makeup test yesterday but there were still words that I didn't know and mistakes I know I made on the test.  Today I can't take it anymore, I'm going to meet up with Jen for dinner, since she lives close to me and I'm just going to cry it out if I have to and just let her hold me.  I can't go through this alone.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over Christos but I have to, I can't hang on anymore.   

God, help me let go and cling onto You.  Help me to surrender every day and let You hold me in Your arms. Please make me whole again with your living water. When I was with Christos, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I felt like I was special and treasured.  I know God that You think I'm beautiful too, and You think I'm special and You treasure me too.  I just wanted to hear it, God.  But I guess I didn't seek to hear it from You, I just looked for love in the wrong place.  You are the only everlasting love, all other loves fade away.  Why do I run from You then?

Looking back over the years

What a night.  Right now it is 5:43am and I have been up all night.  First I was praying to God and trying to figure out if I really had bipolar disorder or not (still need to figure it out properly before I can share with everyone, but so far I found some inspiring insights on youtube about how bipolar disorder can be connected with spirituality).  Then because I wanted to check old blog posts for records about my bipolar experience, I ended up going to xanga.com/puritydove (my old blog, which by the way will be imported somewhere else soon because xanga.com is closing down) and scrolling through my whole life from 2006 to now.

I feel kind of overwhelmed after reading through 7 years of my life in a 3rd person point of view.  I wanted to figure out how I have changed over the years.  There are things I noticed and there are things that I am not happy about.  But hopefully these things that I've noticed can help me become better from now on.

I noticed that when I was younger, I always took time to thank God and praise God.  No matter how sad I was or how depressed I was, I always looked to Christian songs, the Bible, and to God.  This is shown all over my xanga.com/puritydove posts.  Almost every post had something to do about God.  The tone of my posts on xanga were usually positive.  Even if I was suffering, most of the time I was still inspired and was learning something.

Then something changed.  I stopped using xanga because Roscoe had given me puritydove.com to use.  Which after we broke up, he decided to change the site so I lost a few months of blog posts because he didn't save the puritydove.com blog posts.  But that's not the only thing I lost.  I think I lost my sanity in a way.  The relationship with Roscoe was really brain-destructive.  I remember, right after I broke up with Roscoe, I soon got with Adrian.  Soon after I got with Adrian, I started this blog, angelwhispers-martinelee.blogspot.com

When you read the first few blog posts when I first started this blog, things seemed OK.  I felt like I was on the right track with God still.  But slowly, because lust started creeping in, I started to lose track of God.  I lost my virginity to Adrian, and one year after we started dating, we broke up.  The pain was unbearable.  Like Pastor Fiona said, when you have sex with someone, you have a soul tie with that person.  And if you break up, you need to break that soul tie too.  And it hurts because you used to be one flesh with that person but now you are walking with an open wound.

God used my new church to help heal my wound.  But I was always struggling to make Jesus my number one lover again.  After Adrian, I fell for guys so easily.  I rushed into relationships very easily.  I was obsessed with finding a husband.  And when I couldn't find a husband, I settled for someone who was not right for me, which made me extremely confused because I felt like I wanted two opposite things at once (one was God's will and one was temporary happiness for myself).

That's why all the blog posts in 2013 were emotional blog posts.  I lost sight of God again.  I prayed less, almost never thanked God and praised Him even less.  Actually most of 2012 were emotional too, talking about guy after guy after guy.  To be honest, I feel sorry for people like Walter, Thuy, and whoever else reads my blog regularly, because they had to read all my drama.  I'm so sorry that I wasn't as inspirational as I was in my xanga posts.  I'm sorry that I was almost never positive. I'm so sorry that I was so confusing.

Truth was, because I didn't seek after God, and instead focused on trying to band-aid my own heart, that's how I got into all this drama.  God was trying to heal me but I always pushed His hand away, thinking that His hand would hurt me.  It's like a doctor trying to give you a needle with medicine that will make you feel better.  The kid doesn't want to receive the needle because he/she is scared it's going to hurt.  And it does hurt but it will make you feel better.  God wanted to provide me healing but I was too impatient.  Because waiting for the needle's effect takes time too.  I think even after I let God insert the needle into my arm, so to speak, I was frantically trying to pull the needle out myself and just trying to put bandaids on myself.

When was the last time I got down on my knees to pray? I don't even remember.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but even though I have been "serving God" at church and learning about the Bible at school, I still struggle with reading the Bible on my own at home and listening to God down on my knees.  I'm not saying I don't pray at all (I do when I'm at church and when I'm with other Christians, as well as small prayers when I'm walking on the street or on the bus)... but let's face it.  Do you only talk to your best friend when you are with other people, or for a few seconds when you are on the bus or a few seconds on the street? No.  And God is supposed to be my best friend.

Another thing that happened over the years is that I became very work-driven.  I used to be even more workaholic than before, but I still have problems saying NO.  I feel like if I don't help everybody, I am a bad person.  But then I start to sacrifice my own self.  That is another reason why it's so easy for me to fall for a guy, because in the process of helping everybody, I didn't have enough time to think for myself, I just end up making quick decisions because I don't even love myself enough to stop and think about the potential consequences of my actions.

I don't think it's ever wrong to love someone, but I could have waited longer, get to know them better as a friend first, before I commit to a romantic relationship.  I could have saved myself so many problems.  I know everything happens for a reason and we can always learn from dating relationships, but there was so much drama that could have been avoided if I really took time to think it through before I do anything!

Another thing that happened, and I don't mean to put her down, but I noticed in many posts I mentioned my mom being overbearing.  I think it really stressed me out.  That's why my counselor helped me figure out that I also run to guys for comfort and "freedom" because I never receive approval, hugs, or affection from my dad (I don't mean to put him down either), and my mom is so overbearing that it suffocates me.  I want freedom so I run to a guy for a quick fix.

Angela had mentioned that my parents' controlling nature makes me lack self-control.  And also it makes me want to control every situation.  It's true.  I do lack self-control.  And if one day my mom is not home, I don't know how to take care of myself.  I actually won't eat unless a friend is meeting me at the restaurant.  Yes, it is THAT bad.

Angela also asked me if I think that bipolar symptoms are related to life events.  In fact, yes they are.  Even Gloria said that I was more hyper/irritable/depressed this year in the whole time that I was with or breaking up with Christos.

And now that we are finally broken up and going to stay broken up, I still go back and forth in my mind (not as powerful as before) with how I feel about him.  Looking at it from a 3rd person point of view, I think I'm kind of crazy!  Why not just move on and live my life?  Why do I depend on this guy as if he was God?

I hope that this blog post will be a turning point for me.  I do have bad memory these days so I hope I don't forget the reflections that I have had.  I really do need to discipline myself to go back to being centred with God.  I want that old Martine back, the one who was positive all the time, even in pain.  I want that old Martine that praises God and thanks God even when I was suffering.  I want that old Martine back, the one who had great faith.

I need to be brave and let God heal me completely.  Fill that hole in my heart with His love.  It may take time, patience and might hurt in the process, but it's for my own good.  Enough of ignoring Him...

I noticed that in my younger days I used to spend much less time on facebook and when I felt I was being unproductive or drifting away from God, I would leave facebook for ten days at a time.  Can I still do that?  I feel like I got addicted to facebook.  It's true that facebook shows Bible verses too, but it's not the same.

I want that old Martine back, the one who wanted her blog to shine the light of Christ.  The one who had a dream that her blog would inspire others and help them know Jesus through her pain.  I think lately I was too wrapped up in my pain to even see Jesus through it.

The younger me had a dream that she wanted to write a book about relationships.  I still have a long way to go before I can write that book.

So to end this off, I will turn it to God.  The One who is the Author of my life, and my constant Love.  The One who was patient with me even though I was not patient with Him.  The One who held me when I complained and cried, the One who waited for me as He watched me run away from Him again and again.

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Dear God,

I'm sorry, it's been a long time that I have really focused on You in prayer.  Even when I have prayed recently it has always been focused on me.  Focusing on what I need or what I want or what I feel others need.  Recently when I prayed, saying "thank you" was only a formality.  I'm sorry.

God, I need to be honest with myself that I am a sinner and I need You more than anything.  I need You to be the One to validate me, give me approval, give me long lasting love, and healing.  Only You can do that. 

God, I want to really follow after You again.  Not just read the Bible because I have to, but because I WANT to.  I want to thank You from the depths of my heart.  Not just say it as a formality but really have a thankful heart.

I want to know Your truth Lord.  Reveal the truth about me so that I can become a better person.  Reveal the truth of Your Word so that I can have greater faith and apply Your Word to my life.  The way I walk with You is going to be the way I pastor, and lately I know I haven't been walking well.  Instead I've been running away.  Lord please forgive me.

Thanks for always giving me new chances to start again.  I pray that You do Your will in me.  Even if it hurts, if it will make me better, I am going to say I want it.  Please give me the strength and courage to go through the difficult, narrow path.  Help me not to fall into temptation.  Help me to want You more.

God, please cure my addiction to distraction (facebook, texting, email)  Even though these things can be used for good, I pray that You help me limit my usage so that I can focus on schoolwork and time with You.  Please help me to stop being so selfish.  Help me to love my family.  Help me to be joyful.

God, please help me to love myself and take care of myself.  Please help me to value myself because I know that if I value myself I will be more effective for Your Kingdom.

You are truly great, O God.  My simple words cannot describe how great You are.  Thank You so much for Your love and kindness towards us.  You deserve the highest praise.  Help me not to sing empty words anymore.  Revive my spirit so that I will actually sing for You 100%.

Take control of my life, God.  Help me to shine wherever I go.  I don't want to see any more souls lost. 

As morning is here, Lord, I ask that You please give me strength for the day.  I have the Hebrew test tonight but I am not worried anymore.  I will do my best to study once again.  But even if I fail, I will still trust in You and Your good plan.

You are amazing.  Thank you for listening to my prayer.  I'll talk to You again soon.

Love from Martine, In Jesus Name Amen.

There were many days when I wanted to post on my blog but I didn't because I told myself I needed to study. But I feel that I need to write because yesterday I had a breakdown where I was crying because I stopped believing that I could do well in my course, in fact I wanted to give up trying, and felt like I had lost hope.  I never got a C before in Bible school and this course is just getting harder and harder.  I lost motivation and Hebrew grammar is just really difficult, so many exceptions and changes in vowels, it's very confusing.

In the morning I was praying with William and I was fine but in the evening somehow I lost faith again.  And on top of that I started missing Christos and feeling like I needed him again.  I had thought that I was completely over him and I was actually feeling fine being a single, but somehow I reverted back to the same feelings and wantings.

Even when I felt like I was over him, I still loved him more than I loved any other guy in this world.  Even as a friend I loved him more than anyone else.  I still think of him day and night and pray for him and all that.  I just really want him to be well, and talking to him makes me happy.  We still talk practically every day.

He encouraged me to keep trying and that I will be ok.  Somehow his words meant so much to me.  I feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't mind.

I didn't tell anyone this before, but last week Tuesday, Christos and I met up alone in the morning.  We held each other close and somehow I felt very at peace and very happy.  That's when I knew I still loved him.  But it's something we said we would never do again, because it felt like we were acting once again like boyfriend and girlfriend.  I almost kissed him, was very close to it.  I keep thinking back to that day.  Somehow I treasure those moments very much.

But life goes on, and I eventually will have to move on from this.  I don't know how long I will hold on.  For now, I have to focus on passing Hebrew.

By the way, Jeff replied back.  He said he wouldn't want to meet up but he is ok with talking on facebook.  I was ok with that.