Looking back over the years

What a night.  Right now it is 5:43am and I have been up all night.  First I was praying to God and trying to figure out if I really had bipolar disorder or not (still need to figure it out properly before I can share with everyone, but so far I found some inspiring insights on youtube about how bipolar disorder can be connected with spirituality).  Then because I wanted to check old blog posts for records about my bipolar experience, I ended up going to xanga.com/puritydove (my old blog, which by the way will be imported somewhere else soon because xanga.com is closing down) and scrolling through my whole life from 2006 to now.

I feel kind of overwhelmed after reading through 7 years of my life in a 3rd person point of view.  I wanted to figure out how I have changed over the years.  There are things I noticed and there are things that I am not happy about.  But hopefully these things that I've noticed can help me become better from now on.

I noticed that when I was younger, I always took time to thank God and praise God.  No matter how sad I was or how depressed I was, I always looked to Christian songs, the Bible, and to God.  This is shown all over my xanga.com/puritydove posts.  Almost every post had something to do about God.  The tone of my posts on xanga were usually positive.  Even if I was suffering, most of the time I was still inspired and was learning something.

Then something changed.  I stopped using xanga because Roscoe had given me puritydove.com to use.  Which after we broke up, he decided to change the site so I lost a few months of blog posts because he didn't save the puritydove.com blog posts.  But that's not the only thing I lost.  I think I lost my sanity in a way.  The relationship with Roscoe was really brain-destructive.  I remember, right after I broke up with Roscoe, I soon got with Adrian.  Soon after I got with Adrian, I started this blog, angelwhispers-martinelee.blogspot.com

When you read the first few blog posts when I first started this blog, things seemed OK.  I felt like I was on the right track with God still.  But slowly, because lust started creeping in, I started to lose track of God.  I lost my virginity to Adrian, and one year after we started dating, we broke up.  The pain was unbearable.  Like Pastor Fiona said, when you have sex with someone, you have a soul tie with that person.  And if you break up, you need to break that soul tie too.  And it hurts because you used to be one flesh with that person but now you are walking with an open wound.

God used my new church to help heal my wound.  But I was always struggling to make Jesus my number one lover again.  After Adrian, I fell for guys so easily.  I rushed into relationships very easily.  I was obsessed with finding a husband.  And when I couldn't find a husband, I settled for someone who was not right for me, which made me extremely confused because I felt like I wanted two opposite things at once (one was God's will and one was temporary happiness for myself).

That's why all the blog posts in 2013 were emotional blog posts.  I lost sight of God again.  I prayed less, almost never thanked God and praised Him even less.  Actually most of 2012 were emotional too, talking about guy after guy after guy.  To be honest, I feel sorry for people like Walter, Thuy, and whoever else reads my blog regularly, because they had to read all my drama.  I'm so sorry that I wasn't as inspirational as I was in my xanga posts.  I'm sorry that I was almost never positive. I'm so sorry that I was so confusing.

Truth was, because I didn't seek after God, and instead focused on trying to band-aid my own heart, that's how I got into all this drama.  God was trying to heal me but I always pushed His hand away, thinking that His hand would hurt me.  It's like a doctor trying to give you a needle with medicine that will make you feel better.  The kid doesn't want to receive the needle because he/she is scared it's going to hurt.  And it does hurt but it will make you feel better.  God wanted to provide me healing but I was too impatient.  Because waiting for the needle's effect takes time too.  I think even after I let God insert the needle into my arm, so to speak, I was frantically trying to pull the needle out myself and just trying to put bandaids on myself.

When was the last time I got down on my knees to pray? I don't even remember.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but even though I have been "serving God" at church and learning about the Bible at school, I still struggle with reading the Bible on my own at home and listening to God down on my knees.  I'm not saying I don't pray at all (I do when I'm at church and when I'm with other Christians, as well as small prayers when I'm walking on the street or on the bus)... but let's face it.  Do you only talk to your best friend when you are with other people, or for a few seconds when you are on the bus or a few seconds on the street? No.  And God is supposed to be my best friend.

Another thing that happened over the years is that I became very work-driven.  I used to be even more workaholic than before, but I still have problems saying NO.  I feel like if I don't help everybody, I am a bad person.  But then I start to sacrifice my own self.  That is another reason why it's so easy for me to fall for a guy, because in the process of helping everybody, I didn't have enough time to think for myself, I just end up making quick decisions because I don't even love myself enough to stop and think about the potential consequences of my actions.

I don't think it's ever wrong to love someone, but I could have waited longer, get to know them better as a friend first, before I commit to a romantic relationship.  I could have saved myself so many problems.  I know everything happens for a reason and we can always learn from dating relationships, but there was so much drama that could have been avoided if I really took time to think it through before I do anything!

Another thing that happened, and I don't mean to put her down, but I noticed in many posts I mentioned my mom being overbearing.  I think it really stressed me out.  That's why my counselor helped me figure out that I also run to guys for comfort and "freedom" because I never receive approval, hugs, or affection from my dad (I don't mean to put him down either), and my mom is so overbearing that it suffocates me.  I want freedom so I run to a guy for a quick fix.

Angela had mentioned that my parents' controlling nature makes me lack self-control.  And also it makes me want to control every situation.  It's true.  I do lack self-control.  And if one day my mom is not home, I don't know how to take care of myself.  I actually won't eat unless a friend is meeting me at the restaurant.  Yes, it is THAT bad.

Angela also asked me if I think that bipolar symptoms are related to life events.  In fact, yes they are.  Even Gloria said that I was more hyper/irritable/depressed this year in the whole time that I was with or breaking up with Christos.

And now that we are finally broken up and going to stay broken up, I still go back and forth in my mind (not as powerful as before) with how I feel about him.  Looking at it from a 3rd person point of view, I think I'm kind of crazy!  Why not just move on and live my life?  Why do I depend on this guy as if he was God?

I hope that this blog post will be a turning point for me.  I do have bad memory these days so I hope I don't forget the reflections that I have had.  I really do need to discipline myself to go back to being centred with God.  I want that old Martine back, the one who was positive all the time, even in pain.  I want that old Martine that praises God and thanks God even when I was suffering.  I want that old Martine back, the one who had great faith.

I need to be brave and let God heal me completely.  Fill that hole in my heart with His love.  It may take time, patience and might hurt in the process, but it's for my own good.  Enough of ignoring Him...

I noticed that in my younger days I used to spend much less time on facebook and when I felt I was being unproductive or drifting away from God, I would leave facebook for ten days at a time.  Can I still do that?  I feel like I got addicted to facebook.  It's true that facebook shows Bible verses too, but it's not the same.

I want that old Martine back, the one who wanted her blog to shine the light of Christ.  The one who had a dream that her blog would inspire others and help them know Jesus through her pain.  I think lately I was too wrapped up in my pain to even see Jesus through it.

The younger me had a dream that she wanted to write a book about relationships.  I still have a long way to go before I can write that book.

So to end this off, I will turn it to God.  The One who is the Author of my life, and my constant Love.  The One who was patient with me even though I was not patient with Him.  The One who held me when I complained and cried, the One who waited for me as He watched me run away from Him again and again.

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Dear God,

I'm sorry, it's been a long time that I have really focused on You in prayer.  Even when I have prayed recently it has always been focused on me.  Focusing on what I need or what I want or what I feel others need.  Recently when I prayed, saying "thank you" was only a formality.  I'm sorry.

God, I need to be honest with myself that I am a sinner and I need You more than anything.  I need You to be the One to validate me, give me approval, give me long lasting love, and healing.  Only You can do that. 

God, I want to really follow after You again.  Not just read the Bible because I have to, but because I WANT to.  I want to thank You from the depths of my heart.  Not just say it as a formality but really have a thankful heart.

I want to know Your truth Lord.  Reveal the truth about me so that I can become a better person.  Reveal the truth of Your Word so that I can have greater faith and apply Your Word to my life.  The way I walk with You is going to be the way I pastor, and lately I know I haven't been walking well.  Instead I've been running away.  Lord please forgive me.

Thanks for always giving me new chances to start again.  I pray that You do Your will in me.  Even if it hurts, if it will make me better, I am going to say I want it.  Please give me the strength and courage to go through the difficult, narrow path.  Help me not to fall into temptation.  Help me to want You more.

God, please cure my addiction to distraction (facebook, texting, email)  Even though these things can be used for good, I pray that You help me limit my usage so that I can focus on schoolwork and time with You.  Please help me to stop being so selfish.  Help me to love my family.  Help me to be joyful.

God, please help me to love myself and take care of myself.  Please help me to value myself because I know that if I value myself I will be more effective for Your Kingdom.

You are truly great, O God.  My simple words cannot describe how great You are.  Thank You so much for Your love and kindness towards us.  You deserve the highest praise.  Help me not to sing empty words anymore.  Revive my spirit so that I will actually sing for You 100%.

Take control of my life, God.  Help me to shine wherever I go.  I don't want to see any more souls lost. 

As morning is here, Lord, I ask that You please give me strength for the day.  I have the Hebrew test tonight but I am not worried anymore.  I will do my best to study once again.  But even if I fail, I will still trust in You and Your good plan.

You are amazing.  Thank you for listening to my prayer.  I'll talk to You again soon.

Love from Martine, In Jesus Name Amen.