There were many days when I wanted to post on my blog but I didn't because I told myself I needed to study. But I feel that I need to write because yesterday I had a breakdown where I was crying because I stopped believing that I could do well in my course, in fact I wanted to give up trying, and felt like I had lost hope.  I never got a C before in Bible school and this course is just getting harder and harder.  I lost motivation and Hebrew grammar is just really difficult, so many exceptions and changes in vowels, it's very confusing.

In the morning I was praying with William and I was fine but in the evening somehow I lost faith again.  And on top of that I started missing Christos and feeling like I needed him again.  I had thought that I was completely over him and I was actually feeling fine being a single, but somehow I reverted back to the same feelings and wantings.

Even when I felt like I was over him, I still loved him more than I loved any other guy in this world.  Even as a friend I loved him more than anyone else.  I still think of him day and night and pray for him and all that.  I just really want him to be well, and talking to him makes me happy.  We still talk practically every day.

He encouraged me to keep trying and that I will be ok.  Somehow his words meant so much to me.  I feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't mind.

I didn't tell anyone this before, but last week Tuesday, Christos and I met up alone in the morning.  We held each other close and somehow I felt very at peace and very happy.  That's when I knew I still loved him.  But it's something we said we would never do again, because it felt like we were acting once again like boyfriend and girlfriend.  I almost kissed him, was very close to it.  I keep thinking back to that day.  Somehow I treasure those moments very much.

But life goes on, and I eventually will have to move on from this.  I don't know how long I will hold on.  For now, I have to focus on passing Hebrew.

By the way, Jeff replied back.  He said he wouldn't want to meet up but he is ok with talking on facebook.  I was ok with that.