After seeing the counselor

Today I went to see my counselor, I didn't see her for so long and I really needed to talk to her.  One thing I like about my counselor is she never tells me what to do.  She always listens and asks questions to help me figure it out on my own.  She is never judgmental or shocked at the crap I go through or put myself through.  She does give suggested books and sometimes suggestions but only after I have realized a problem on my own.

Today we talked about how I always value others' opinions of me and I hang onto the words they say.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I value people's opinions as a 9 and I value my own opinion as a 2.  This is because I want to be liked, approved of, and I want others to think well of me (like that I am a good example, etc).  It's like my identity is built upon what others say or what others think of me.  I don't have an identity of my own, or at least I don't know what it is.

And we talked about how I have needs like I need words of affirmation, encouragement, physical touch (like just to be held, long hugs), and you know I'm so busy helping others, trying to help them with their problems or trying to help them know God, that I don't realize that I have needs too.  And I end up trying to fill my needs through a guy.

That's why when Christos held me that Tuesday, I felt so at peace, because he gave me what I needed.  But these are just "quick fixes", band-aid solutions.

I need to verbalize to my friends, tell them I need a hug, tell them I need encouragement and support rather than advice.

I'm so broken, I am a broken person trying to help other broken people while I'm still bleeding.  That's what is happening to me.

I told Christos I can't talk to him everyday anymore.  He texted me twice but I didn't reply.  I have no hard feelings towards him, I just need space to heal.  I told Karen (my counselor) that Christos was like God to me in a way, even though I know he is not God but he gave me constant affirmation, told me I was beautiful everyday, was never mad at me, always ready to support me, gave me so much attention and affection.

I know if Jesus was still on earth he would do the same thing.  (the constant love and all that)

But Christos is still not Jesus.  He is just a human being while Jesus is a perfect God.  In the Bible, Jesus once met a Samaritan woman who lived a broken life.  She has had five husbands in her life, and then the man she was now living with was not her husband.  She went to draw water from the well at noon, the hottest part of the day, because she was ashamed and didn't want to hear other women's gossip about her.  And Jesus told her (metaphorically) that she was thirsty but the water she drew from the well would make her thirsty again.  But that Jesus had living water, water that would quench her thirst and she would never thirst again.

I realize now the impact of Jesus' words.  Me, thirsty for love, tried to look for it in guys just like the Samaritan woman.  But the only one who can really quench my thirst is Jesus.  He is the living water for my soul.

Last week I canceled plans with friends (Lidia and Thuy) to study.  I did my makeup test yesterday but there were still words that I didn't know and mistakes I know I made on the test.  Today I can't take it anymore, I'm going to meet up with Jen for dinner, since she lives close to me and I'm just going to cry it out if I have to and just let her hold me.  I can't go through this alone.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over Christos but I have to, I can't hang on anymore.   

God, help me let go and cling onto You.  Help me to surrender every day and let You hold me in Your arms. Please make me whole again with your living water. When I was with Christos, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I felt like I was special and treasured.  I know God that You think I'm beautiful too, and You think I'm special and You treasure me too.  I just wanted to hear it, God.  But I guess I didn't seek to hear it from You, I just looked for love in the wrong place.  You are the only everlasting love, all other loves fade away.  Why do I run from You then?