Forgetting

I was thinking about what is the best way to recover from a breakup. There really is no method to it but some things are supposed to help. I don't think I did any of those helpful things. For example, you're supposed to slowly put away the things that remind you of the person. Bit by bit, you are supposed to learn to let go.

Instead, I immersed myself in work and denied everything, thought I was okay, tried to help others instead of myself. Everything was forcefully put away for me, so when I couldn't handle it I started digging it up again, bit by bit. I was doing it the backwards way. I have to dig up everything related and then slowly put them away.

I kept on wanting to buy a dragonfly necklace. I gotta let that go. Today I ate sushi. Gotta let that memory go. I had no time to cry. Now I'm gonna let myself cry. Chores, visiting grandma, doing random crap and work, gave me to time to grieve. And yes, grief is losing someone you love, not necessarily to death.

I had nowhere to express my feelings, now they are all coming out. I was in shock at first, that's why. And shock turns into denial. And I was also trying to transfer my feelings to others, not good at all. You don't know how many guys I started crushing on cuz I was trying to give love that was reserved for the person I lost. The hole was so big. I do realize I shouldnt find another person right now, I need rather to find myself.

I was trying to be happy and forget about everything but I was doing it in a wrong way. I didn't let myself remember. You have to remember first in order to forget.

Family life is tough too. I'm thankful I can even write on this right now.

Fuzzy liked this one. :) He made bubbly sounds when I played it. It will take me some time to move on... miss you.

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and ⁶ my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Hello again.

I've been avoiding my blog for a bit, and to be honest, it was because I was scared. I was scared that I would be judged, that I would be misinterpreted... I was scared because of what happened in the past... Fear is a weird thing. It can take hold of you and bring you down even when there is nothing you should be fearing. Well, most of all, I was scared to be seen as weak, or even, to be weak.

I always had the mindset that it was okay to be weak, because when you are weak, that's when you're strong. In the Bible that is what it says. Because Jesus submitted himself to the cross, and in the end, he was victorious over death. Of course, we should not be misinterpreting things and saying ok so now I can be weak all I want, even when I have the strength, I will prefer to be weak... no. But when really I have no strength, I tell myself, it's okay to be weak cuz God has me in His strong arms, I will be stronger with Him. And stronger with others' help.

However, I was still scared to be weak because I felt like people were looking down on me instead of helping me up. Maybe it was just psychological, cuz I know there are a lot of people who care for me. But another thing is, it's human tendency to want to be strong. I wanted to prove that I was okay, that I was capable of doing my work, that I was not emotionally weak or crazy. Well, I guess I was neither of those things. But I'm glad there are still people who accept me for who I am, and are willing to walk with me till I'm strong again.

I went to Juan yesterday for counselling and cried stuff out. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You know I've been jumping from guy to guy emotionally or relationally since grade 8 or so. I might as well stop and try and figure out who Martine Lee is first. Finding myself, that's what they call it. The movie trailer "eat.pray.love" shows how it's important to figure out what you believe and who you are before you go into a romantic relationship.... well, sometimes a relationship can help you with that, but still, you gotta be able to figure out on your own, without a partner.

I think for me I thought that I found myself but I actually didn't. There is still a lot beneath the surface that is crazily mixed up. For starters, I don't think I know what true romantic love is. I don't know what ...

I can't write anymore. My mom made me cry... Too many questions, no understanding, and no joy. No lasting peace. no no no

What is a Nervous Breakdown?

A nervous breakdown can be described as an acute emotional or psychological collapse. The term nervous breakdown is not a medical term, but rather a colloquial term used by the general public to refer to and characterize a wide range of mental illnesses.

It generally occurs when a person is unable to function in social roles anymore, experiencing severe depression or feelings of being out of touch with reality. This often occurs after a long period of stress which has not been adequately dealt with.

This inability to function can occur in both work and personal arenas, resulting in difficulty in fulfilling obligations. It also causes the individual to develop physical, mental and emotional symptoms. A person experiencing symptoms of a nervous breakdown may feel extreme tiredness, weakness, episodes of uncontrollable crying, confusion, disorientation and feelings of worthlessness.

There may also be a loss of self-esteem and confidence, extreme weight loss or weight gain, disrupted sleep patterns and feelings of guilt and despair. In severe cases, an inability to move, called catatonic posturing, may result. This is a serious psychiatric condition and should not be taken lightly.

Other Disorders Associated with a Nervous Breakdown

• Depression
• Panic disorder
• Panic attacks
  
• Anxiety disorder
  
• Generalized anxiety disorder
  
• Acute stress disorder
  
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
  
• Trauma disorders
  
• Schizophrenia
  
• Psychotic disorders
  
• Mood (affective) disorders
  
• Biopolar disorder

Learning to manage stress and identify the early symptoms of a nervous breakdown such as anxiety, depression and panic disorders can help to prevent its onset. Many people have experienced being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it is this feeling of overwhelming helplessness that has forced them to revamp their lifestyles and has offered them the opportunity for growth and enlightenment.

Diagnosing a Nervous Breakdown

Your doctor will perform a physical examination to rule out any other medical conditions, and also ask you what symptoms you are experiencing. A course of medication may be prescribed as well as a referral to a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Symptoms of a Nervous Breakdown & Early Warning Signs

There are physical, emotional and behavioral warning signs and symptoms of a nervous breakdown. They include:

Physical symptoms of a nervous breakdown

• Sleep disruption - much longer periods of sleep or insomnia
  
• Diarrhea
  
• Constipation
  
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
  
• Breathing problems
  
• Migraine headaches
  
• Low libido
  
• Memory loss
  
• Disrupted menstrual cycle
  
• Extreme exhaustion/fatigue
  
• Feelings of persistent anxiety or panic attacks
  
• Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much (comfort eating)
  
• Visual/eye disturbances

Emotional symptoms

• Anxiety
  
• Depression
  
• Agitation and restlessness
  
• Indecision
  
• Loss of confidence and selfesteem
  
• Inability to stop crying
  
• Feelings of guilt, poor judgment
  
• Disinterest in social life and work or alienation from previously close friends and family
  
• Hearing voices
  
• Inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships
  
• Increasing dependence on alcohol or drugs
  
• Paranoid thoughts, such as the thought people are trying to harm you
  
• Seeing people who are not there
  
• Thoughts of dying or wish to die
  
• Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility
  
• Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event
  
• Hearing voices

Behavioral symptoms

• Mood swings
  
• Strange behavior such as odd body movements or undressing in public
  
• Exhibiting strong or violent anger

In more extreme cases, psychosis can occur where the person will experience complete loss of contact with reality. The symptoms may include hallucinations or visions, feelings of victimization or persecution, strange speech patterns and behaviors as well as extreme guilt or grandiosity.

What Causes a Nervous Breakdown?

There is always a trigger or catalyst that sparks a nervous breakdown. Breakdowns usually stem from a change in a major life event such as a broken relationship, death of a loved one, a demanding job or financial difficulties. Factors that may contribute to a breakdown include:

• Stress
  
• Depression
  
• Alcohol and drug abuse, particularly cocaine
  
• Genetics (family history)
  
• Coexisting medical conditions, such as vitamin deficiencies, thyroid disorders, movement disorders, skin and limb problems, etc.
  
• Anxiety surrounding major life changes or disorders, such as pregnancy/after birth/labor, menopause, etc.
  
• Schizophrenia
  
• Extreme guilt or emotional problems

Help for Nervous Breakdowns

There are many treatment methods and approaches for dealing with nervous breakdowns. Choosing the right one depends on the diagnosis of the individual case, as there is no standard cure. There are ways to prevent a nervous breakdown, conventional treatments, natural remedies, nutritional supplements and many other therapies to choose from.

Preventative

Obviously the best approach is to prevent the breakdown from occurring in the first place. Recognizing the warning signs of a nervous breakdown and reducing and managing stress levels can often produce excellent results and prevent the total collapse usually associated with a nervous breakdown.

Nutritional Supplements

Signs of a nervous breakdown include stress which often means that the individual becomes deficient in certain vitamins and minerals especially if appetite is also affected. A good multivitamin can be very beneficial and special attention should be paid to taking extra vitamins in the B complex, particularly Vitamin B6 and B12. .

Other therapies

Aromatherapy, yoga, reflexology, Reiki and massage therapy can all be useful adjuncts to treatment and can greatly assist in aiding relaxation and stress management.

More Information on Mental & Emotional Nervous Breakdowns

Prevention & Treatment Tips for Nervous Breakdowns

Taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally is very important, especially with the hectic demands placed on our daily lives. These useful tips include:

• Eating a healthy diet and improving food choices
  
• Exercising regularly
  
• Actively seeking professional help for better coping mechanisms or help with emotional issues
  
• Taking a break from work and going on vacation
  
• Practicing deep breathing exercises and meditation
  
• Incorporating fun and laughter into your life
  
• Allowing more time for a good nights rest
  
• Limiting alcohol and tobacco intake
  
• Avoiding drugs
  
• Learning to relax by taking time for yourself
  
• Maintaining contact with family and friends
  
• Treating yourself regularly by playing a round of golf, or spending the day at the spa

------------

After looking at more websites, I learned that people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are more susceptible to nervous breakdowns, and that once we feel something starting, we should get professional help immediately and start to take action to protect ourselves from further damage. There is hope, we just got to get more information on how to help ourselves. No wonder I broke down so easily.

Misunderstandings...

My blog can be a blessing and it can be a curse. The blessing is that when I have nowhere to speak and express to others my feelings, I go to my blog and I share things. The curse is that people can misunderstand what I write, perhaps due to assumptions, other conflicting opinions, or just my way of writing, so vague and ambiguous.

This blog was created for inspiration, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to inspire, so I just write out my crappy feelings. It's true, life isn't always good and your friends can't always say super nice things to you, but it hurts when misunderstandings break us apart. I don't mind people telling me hard truths. But as they say, the medium is the message, and over the past weekend, I've had more than one person telling me criticism without listening to my side of the story first. And the way they said it was harsh, it cut to my heart. I was already stressed from other crap so that's why I had a panic attack faster than normal.

You know, panic attacks can't be controlled. I plan to go to my psychiatrist and counselor soon, but seriously, I wish people would understand that sometimes I cannot control how I feel. I get depressed easily, and stressed easily. That's why I need friends' encouragement. If you are going to tell me some hard truths, please do it with grace. I will try my best to do the same to you if I need to tell you a hard truth. I know it's hard when you are angry and same for me too. I guess we just all have to work on it. Don't worry, I don't hold anything against you.

I'm ashamed to be this weak. It's not like I want to be a crybaby or it's not that I want to quit my job due to 3 breakdowns. It's not like I want to communicate to my best friend through my blog so that everyone can see what's going on. I have no choice. I was being monitored and my only mode of communication was my blog. You think I'm imagining things? No, I was actually being monitored.

Some people can stand more pressure, some people don't. I guess I'm just the latter kind of person. Does that make me any less of a human being? No. Does having bipolar disorder make me a crazy, berserk, spazzed out person? No. I can't help it. If you have any kind of mental illness, then maybe you would understand. I already take my medication and get counselling, and I try my best in life. What else do you want me to do?

I'm completely disappointed in myself. But I will move on. If I'm a weak person, let me be a weak person who doesn't stay where she is. Let me be a weak person who continues to persevere through the trials. And learn something.

God bless you.

Emptiness

I used to think that after I became a Christian, God would fill my emptiness. I'm not so sure about that anymore. Just now, I was talking with friends online and feeling a whole lot better. But then when the conversations ended, the emptiness creeped back in. I know I can read the Bible, but like Mrs. Ng says, sometimes when you are super sad, the Bible even doesn't even speak to you it just doesn't digest. The good thing is though, God can still give you peace even when the words of the Bible don't register.

I'm worried about TM now. Because of what happened to me, I'm worried about him.

It's not being easy being me at this point in time. Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with my new family (fellowship) but after I got home, I felt a feeling that was like a dagger piercing through my heart. I prayed but it didn't seem to help, so I called Mike. Mike always cheers me up, just by his voice. Michelle is also good at listening.

Anyway, Mike prayed for me over the phone and I felt a lot better and could actually sleep. But then again, the next morning I wanted to die. It was so strong, I felt like I could potentially be relapsing badly and so I quit my job. I had to.

I feel pretty ashamed that I had to quit my job. I feel like a failure but again it's just a feeling not a fact. God always sees me as His child, no need to be perfect. In any case, the events of yesterday afternoon still linger in my head. I feel dull... because I don't want to let the emotions go through my eyes. I just leave them in my mind.

Belief is a powerful thing. Yesterday, somehow I started believing in things that were misunderstandings. I started thinking of things that put me down. I started believing that I was less worthy, looked down upon, disliked, a tyrant of some sort. I started believing that I had been wrong all along, that everything I did to help was not good enough. Yes, I started believing that. Because I had put my trust in someone, and it turns out this person was two-faced and critical. But I trusted them. So I believed them.

I like snacks. I think they cheer me up. Tomorrow I'm also getting a guinea pig. I wonder what I will name it. In any case, I will choose a funny looking one, to make me happy. Maybe I will end up fulfilling my summer wish list after all. I just didn't know I had to deal with this whole crap to get it.

I wonder how I will survive church tomorrow. I think it's a nice church, nice people. I just didn't know one of them was going to give me a breakdown. Well, we'll see. God help me.

God showed me a miracle today. My friend Lillian from Montreal just "happened" to walk into the same elevator that I was in at the nursing home. I never knew she was going to be there. I was in fact praying that I could contact her, because my phone was out of my possession. It was completely random, or completely God should I say.

Many random coincidences have been happening lately. I see the world with eternal eyes now, so seriously, miracles are everywhere. I just had to open up my eyes to notice them.

I don't want to think about my teens anymore. It makes me sad that I will be leaving them. I taught about perseverance, but this time, I couldn't do it myself. I was too hurt. I will really miss them though, and I don't really know how I can explain my departure to them. I'm sure they will be asking.

I hate MFN right now. But I will forgive and learn to love this person again. God is our judge, no revenge is needed. It was seriously probably all a misunderstanding.

Positive things to be thankful for

My friends.
My family.
Lillian can go with me to the Freedom Project musical.
Josh B can go with me to Wonderland.
I have a library job in Sept.
I have a new family.
God is good all the time.

Worst Nightmare

I go to the washroom, the washroom at my new church. I took off my T-shirt and have a bikini top underneath. It's because it was wet and I need to change. I think that no one is around so I go out of the washroom to try and get something quick. Unfortunately I see a man, he sees me, and I run back into the washroom. I lock myself in the handicap washroom, hoping he would leave. Instead, he comes into the washroom, walks into the stall next to me, and lifts himself up to peek over the stall at me. I press my T-shirt against my chest, scared, and my body against the stall wall hoping it would make me invisible to him.

He lowers his body so I can't see him anymore but for a while there's nothing. I don't know what the heck he is doing there. The lights turn off. I panic. I look around me. I see emergency buttons lined up on the walls of the handicap stall. I press all of them and make a dart for it out the door. The dream ends.

How to Save a Life-- The Fray (lyrics)

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Complaints (Warning: do not read if you are already annoyed or having a bad day)

My back hurts, must have twisted it during badminton.
A teen's elbow jabbed me in the back, by accident but also very hard.
I've been listening to the same song over and over again. Hard to stop it from being played.
I hurt my hip socket but I think it returned to its proper place.
I cried my head off but thank God there was ice for my eyes.
I had a sore throat earlier, but thank God it's gone now.
My toes look gross. I need a pedicure, I'm sure I can do it myself.
My hands are allergic to my workplace's soap.
It was so hard just to find glue today.
Cooking is always the most exhausting, if not free time.
Not knowing things and miscommunication is even worse.
Not having a laptop is very inconvenient.
Not having a cell phone is embarrassing (wasting other ppl's cell phone minutes)
My wrist was hurting just now from this terrible keyboard.
This complaints list is so sad, it's funny.
My hair is a mess and I can't find two of my hair products.
Little mini ants are coming into the kitchen. I was fine with the bigger ones.
Everyone keeps asking me how im doing. I am fine, thank you. I will let you know when I am not. Thank you, really.
Anger is the worst thing that can come to you when at work.
Forgetting things is bad.
Eating fast food is also bad.
Being obsessed about anyone is even more bad.
I don't care if my grammar is also bad.
Pop music is getting annoying.
I might be becoming a mini shopaholic
Can't look at a couple without being angry, jealous, sad, or empty.
My back still hurts.
I wanna dance and rap but I can't.
Stupid courses won't show up properly on my ROSI timetable.
ROSI might actually be a crabby old woman
I hate it when middle aged men stare at me, or honk their horn at me, or say hi when they are waiting for me to cross the street. It's so obvious.
I hate racism.
I wish I could play piano.
I wish I was somewhere else.
Cooking would be more fun if it was easier on my skin.
Life would be better if I didnt have back pain.
hahaha

Camp = stress + fun

Today I was pretty stressed after work, cried a lot, man sometimes dealing with things is just too much. But I love camp still. The positives outweigh the negatives. :D And my coworkers are so nice... just like a family, like we should be.

In my heart, in my heart there's a fire burning
A passion deep within my soul
not slowing down not growing cold

An unquenchable flame that keeps burning brighter
A love that's blazing like the sun
for who You are and what You've done

And as the fire is raging on
So your praise becomes my song

The whole earth is filled with Your glory Lord
Angels and men adore
Creation longs for what's in store
May You be honored and glorified
Exalted and lifted high
Here at your feet I lay my life
-----

If I could do anything this summer, besides the fun camp I'm at, I would...

go to Wonderland with a good friend and scream my head off
go to a Casting Crowns Concert without using lotsa money
go to CNE
go to Art Gallery of Ontario
go to a non-Niagara waterfall
go to Orfus Road
go to Montreal, again... don't even care about the attractions anymore, I miss my Christian friends there
go to Quebec nature areas, watch whales
watch a good movie with friends
watch urban musicals
watch dance movies at home (I dont have a TV)
take dance lessons, latin, jazz, and hip hop advanced
go on a retreat
etc etc etc fun stuffs

I like to say the word "stuffs" now, not sure why. I'm gonna miss Pastor Janet. Not sure if she knows I left yet. Some people at my church didn't know I left.

Yeah, so there's a lot of fun things I want to do. I think in general, I'm just lonely. I mean, when I'm intentionally spending time with God and camp people, it's ok. When Im chatting with family, it's ok, but it's those in between times that Julie told me about that are hard. If you look at my list, the stuff isnt fun without friends.

You know what I end up doing? After work, sometimes I go to Dollarama or Shoppers Drug Mart just to look around and I don't even buy anything. It's just to pass the time. For some reason, wandering around the mall by myself is less lonely than being at home by myself. And yet sometimes when people call or msn me I don't even feel like talking. Maybe because all they want to talk about is me and my problems. I rather go out and have fun and scream my head off u know what im saying? That's why camp is so fun, no one minds that I'm going through problems. I mean, they care but they don't FOCUS on it. We focus on fun and learning.

I just dont wana repeat the matter over and over again. It's over now. It's really over. And I'm sad but we will grow and move on from this one day. We will love again, as stupid as that sounds, and I'm sure whenever we see a dragonfly, we will remember. Without guilt.

One more thing: I HATE MY HORMONES! this new pill better work.

I hate lying now

I don't want to lie anymore. In any way, shape, or form. I used to think there were bigger sins, but lies are just as big, really. We can be vague, we can choose not to share, but lying is a whole different issue. It broke two of my relationships already anyway. And no I did not lie to Peggy.

I'm uncomfortable with Summer. It feels like a confirmed stalker.

I like being on this blog, or communicating through email, though. It's more personal and we can be truthful and honest. Hiding something is sometimes also a lie. It is called living a lie. I don't want that anymore. I want pure and happy and good Martine back. I am not a rebel. I am different but I don't want to be a rebel. I want peace, I want joy, I want everyone to be happy.

It's ok, I think Justin, Daniella, and Nathan can help me. I like truthful avenues better than sneaky alleyways. Don't fall back into the sin that got us started. I'm talkin bout lying dammit.

Fun times downtown today

I don't think the person who was supposed to see a person saw the person. I waved at 12:20 and 2:57, both not times I had thought I would be around. Sigh. It's ok. Oftentimes things don't happen the way you want them to. I wasn't holding anyone's hand, either.

To make up for it, I saw a big fat dragonfly on the ground. I was really happy...The girls in my scavenger hunt group were the ones who found it. They thought it was scary or gross, cuz it didn't move when we went near it and it really was huge with a thick body. I thought it was wonderful. I actually told them what it represented and why I was waving like a fool earlier.

It was interesting to bring the teens to Seaton House, Regent Park, and Moss Park. I really liked it when two of the campers' perspectives of homeless people changed once they met and talked to some of them. I was really glad.

Basically before lunch we went around to experience poor areas of our city. Then after lunch we did the scavenger hunt around the downtown core. It was really fun, actually and the girls got really into the activity. :)

When things remind me, I'm not sad anymore. I'm happy I have these memories. I still have no answer to the question but I'm ok with being in different spaces with the transcendence of space happening every time something reminds me and makes me happy. I hope it makes the other end of the transcendence of space happy too.

haha, i feel like im talking in a science fiction movie. haha, haha, haha

oh and by the way, when i said big fat dragonfly i wasnt trying to imply it represented anyone literally, but everyone should exercise, perhaps even on the wii fit. hahaha

:) too many haha's

I met Jesus at least 10 times today... sometimes he was silent, sometimes very noticeable, sometimes he was hard to spot, sometimes he was friendly. Once, he had an amputated leg. And another time, he was Chinese. But, he was usually going through a rough time, I could tell. See Matthew 25:40 and the verses before and after it for an explanation.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it today :) I really thank God everyone was having fun.

Somewhere roughly from 1:00-2:30pm (probably the later part of that time period) if you see a group of orangey-yellow shirts walking around Dundas and Yonge/Eaton's Centre/Dundas Square, look for someone holding a camper's hand or trying to make sure people are following rules. :) She will be wearing light coloured jeans and her hair will be down. I will try to look up when I can... Only look in your free time!

Cheerful

Today was a rather cheerful day. Thanks to God, my friends at camp, and a dragonfly passing by yesterday right before I went to sleep. Teehee.

Ying told me I can't be a robot like I was the past few days. I seriously didn't want to stop being a robot at least till next Saturday but everything hit me last night and the robot became Martine again. I finally figured out what that empty feeling was. It was not guilt. It was the big humongous space that my best friend used to be in my heart. I cried it out and was really desperate. I even looked out the street and imagined my best friend looking up at me or saying goodbye as he dropped me off at home. I considered looking at the moon so that we would at least be connected by the moon but it was so cheesy I just stayed in bed.

Eventually I got over it by a miraculous way of transcendence of space. Don't ask me why I am speaking this way. I am not crazy, just smart. Anyhow, now I have a question to answer and I don't know what to think of it. I hate how hormones, bipolar, and rents get in the way of decisions and feelings. I hate mixed signs in my head. Anyhow, I hope this waiting time will be a molding time, and that we can grow to be more mature, Christ-like, healthy, and confident.

Very applicable bible passage... for me anyways...

Psalm 119

' Aleph

¹ Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the LORD.

² Blessed are they who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart.

³ They do nothing wrong;
they walk in his ways.

⁴ You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.

⁵ Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying your decrees!

⁶ Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all your commands.

⁷ I will praise you with an upright heart
as I learn your righteous laws.

⁸ I will obey your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me.

b Beth

⁹ How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.

¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

¹² Praise be to you, O LORD;
teach me your decrees.

¹³ With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.

¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.

¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.

¹⁶ I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

g Gimel

¹⁷ Do good to your servant, and I will live;
I will obey your word.

¹⁸ Open my eyes that I may see
wonderful things in your law.

¹⁹ I am a stranger on earth;
do not hide your commands from me.

²⁰ My soul is consumed with longing
for your laws at all times.

²¹ You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed
and who stray from your commands.

²² Remove from me scorn and contempt,
for I keep your statutes.

²³ Though rulers sit together and slander me,
your servant will meditate on your decrees.

²⁴ Your statutes are my delight;
they are my counselors.

d Daleth

²⁵ I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.

²⁶ I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.

²⁷ Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;
then I will meditate on your wonders.

²⁸ My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.

²⁹ Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.

³⁰ I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.

³¹ I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.

³² I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.

h He

³³ Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.

³⁴ Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.

³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.

³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.

³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.

³⁸ Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.

³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.

⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.

A new home

Today I walked through the halls of my new home. Some familiar faces, and some completely new. I don't think it has hit me yet that I will not see my old home for a long, long time. I wondered about financial support for school, but honestly, I shouldn't be worrying about it right now.

I helped with the gr. 1's and 2's today. They were cute and made me smile a lot. I even helped lead worship for all the kids, cuz some of the volunteers lost their voices. The children are very quiet, but they all stood up for the songs.

I went out to lunch with a couple people. I never used to go out to lunch with people at my old church, not much anyway. I was a bit afraid or embarrassed, I wasn't sure if things worked the same as my old home. But turns out mostly it was similar.

I'm going to join a new fellowship. I wonder how it will be like. I heard they have life groups where university/college ppl are mixed in with young adults in career stages of life.

I shared with Vanessa briefly why I changed churches. She is actually really nice. She said she could relate to what I was going through. I also asked her advice about how to handle teens at camp. My new family is quite welcoming, and fun. I'm gonna get to see Penelope again.

Thank you, God, for taking care of me.

Don't know what to write anymore

I wanted to write something uplifting, something inspiring, but nothing came. I thought of posting a song, but no song seemed appropriate. Today I don't even know what to think about today. I'm going to a new church, starting a "new life", trying to forget about ever dating again for many, many years. Trying to focus on work, family, and God while still remembering beautiful memories.

Listening to Josh Groban right now. My wrist hurts, I'm not sure why. Either from stress, or my hairband being around it all night. Or maybe I typed too much. I got so many emails and facebook messages... I don't really feel like responding to all of them. I don't like repeating the matter over and over again.

It sometimes feels like it's not real. Yesterday I walked down my street and saw someone walking the other way in the distance. I imagined it could have been him... but of course, it was not. I was standing at the bus stop. I wondered if I could see him on the bus, or their car would pass me and wave just like before. But I don't think they saw me.

There was an accident at McCowan and Sheppard, I craned my head to make sure it wasn't Adrian's car. I prayed to God he would be ok. It wasn't Adrian's car.

I'm not allowed to mention his name anymore at home. Never mind.

The Story of the Forbidden Woods

Once there was a girl named Natsumi who lived in a warm and pretty house near the woods. She was 22 years old. She lived with two loving parents, although strict but they knew her well enough to know where to set limits. She also lived with a loving younger sister, who was 19 years old.

Her parents told her not to go into the woods, for fear of dangerous people or things. Her sister was very obedient, obeyed every word the parents said. Natsumi, however, had an adventurous heart. She wanted to explore and learn on her own. She wanted to make her own choices, be free, and find love.

She did find love, one summer, with a boy she used to go to school with. They had a lot of restrictions on them, so sometimes, they met in secret. One of their favourite places was Dragonfly Park, near the Forbidden Woods. They saw many dragonflies there, swung on swings, lay on the grass, and spent a lot of time together there.

Time passed. It got harder and harder for them to spend time together. One day, the boy sent a message to Natsumi saying they should meet in the Forbidden Woods. Natsumi wanted to make him happy and meet up with him, so she did. She didn't mind her sister's words, "Don't ever go to the Forbidden Woods!"

When she got into the Forbidden Woods, she found comfort, love, passion, and something she had never found before. Her boyfriend showed her around the woods, and she felt like it was something beautiful, something interesting. For once they shared something no one else shared with them...They prayed that it may only be to further their relationship, but...

As the forbidden fruit had done to Adam and Eve, Natsumi and her boyfriend were cast out. They were found out, cast out, and friendships, families, and communities were ripped apart. You may think that is very dramatic, and exagerated, but that is what happened...

When Natsumi went home, she found her sister crying. She found her father angry, losing sleep, and ashamed of his daughter. She found her mom hysterical...

She had to leave her church, not that she was judged, but it was her parents' demand and her own willful plan of recovery. She had to give up her cell phone, block certain friends, expose many emails/chats to her father, and also delete many emails. She lost her dignity, her reputation, but thank God, not her faith/confidence.

She lost her boyfriend though, and with that, her best friend. They were one and the same.

She wonders how her boyfriend has dealt with it so far... she might never know. All she knows is, it's not fair that one person's happiness ends up causing so much damage. She feels numb, neutral, mostly unmoved. But she cries when her sister cries, hangs down her head when her father is upset, and feels like a naive little girl again when her mom speaks.

One day, this story will get better. But for now, it's chaos, and the Forbidden Woods still welcomes anyone who dares enter in.

---
Please note that this story is not written literally, and any reference to people alive or dead may or may not be purely coincidental. In any case, don't assume you know what happened or what the Forbidden woods may stand for. You don't even need to know for sure to learn a lesson from this story .

I came on this blog to write down my feelings but it turns out the previous post pretty much is what I wanted to express. I feel calm right now, not that stressed. Sin sometimes doesn't hurt you personally the most. It hurts people around you the most.

What is done in secret will be exposed to the light. That's what Jesus said. Whatever he says is true. I have learned many lessons from my predicament right now. I will become a better person out of this. I will become stronger, purer, wiser, and smarter. I think this is the attitude I should have.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people. When you lose something/someone, you lose the things related to it too. But maybe you can also gain something through it all. Something within yourself.

This is the only way left to communicate. A cyberspace blog with open ended questions, no answers, only thoughts.

I'm still gonna dance. Sing. Write, be who I am. Just being a better person.

You're still you. I'm still me. The paths are different now, but we are never alone.

Reflections on a Sabbath Afternoon

I came home feeling humbled at God's grace and mercy. This has been an interesting week. Missions trip, loss of a friendship, coming home with mom not around as much (taking care of grandparents), exhaustion, excitedness/hyperness, worries about camp, fun with camp staff, fun with Montreal people, difficulties with a relationship, a great sermon that made me think, loss of innocence (or at least the awareness of it) and finally, increased faith.

Yeah, that was a long list. Overall, I see how God is trying to get me out of "I'm comfortable where I am" zone. I have a renewed passion to seek Him first and spend my Sabbaths wisely.

I was listening to my friend Amy Savin's music when I thought I would post up her song "Hopelessly lost" right here on blogspot. As I was trying to find her song on facebook I discovered her songs were used in a not-so-well-known Christian movie called "Saving Melanie". It seemed like something very interesting and so I clicked on it.

I'll let you find out what it's all about. So here's Amy's song and the HD trailer for the movie "Saving Melanie"!!! :D



www.amysavin.com for more inspiring music from my sister in Christ!



Melanie is a young single mother who recently became a Christian. She soon finds out that becoming a Christian doesn't mean her troubles will be over. In fact, her new found faith is soon put to the test... movie is out already! www.savingmelanie.com

Awareness of God's plan

I got a sore throat, but thanks to Adrian's prayers, other people's prayers, and careful eating habits (including lots of gentle vitamin C drinks), I am doing alright, it is just uncomfortable.

After I came back from missions, I think I find a bigger need for prayers and God's direction. A bigger need for humility and submission to Him and others. I start to see why certain things happen and how some things are part of God's plan.

First of all, I want to say how grateful I am for God putting Adrian in my life. He reminds me to pray when I forget, reminds me of my need for rest and Sabbaths, and reminds me that life can be fun too. Sometimes I feel like he is more spiritual and more selfless than me.

For me, it's easy to get into an annoyed mood. That's where prayer also comes in, to help calm me down and find out what attitude does God want me to have.

I revisited the verse Proverbs 18:24 in several translations...
(New Living Translation)

²⁴ There are “friends” who destroy each other,
but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

(The Message)

²⁴ Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family

(GOD’S WORD Translation)

²⁴Friends can destroy one another,
but a loving friend can stick closer than family.

(Holman Christian Standard Bible)

²⁴ A man with many friends may be harmed,
but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.

Although all these translations have a slightly different take on the verse, I still find all of them to be true in my life and it helps me to accept a situation that I'm in right now. God doesn't intend for us to always be friends with everyone. Even Paul and Barnabas, long-time partners, parted ways, but through that God's Kingdom was continually expanding.

Of course we should try our best to be a kind friend to people we meet, but not every personality fits well together, and when something isn't meant to be, it's just not meant to be. You can't be friends with everyone, although you can try to be kind to everyone, with wisdom of course. Now, being kind though, is subjective unless you read about what kindness is in the Bible. And wisdom needs to be there to protect you from harm. You don't want to be friendly to a thief.