Emptiness

I used to think that after I became a Christian, God would fill my emptiness. I'm not so sure about that anymore. Just now, I was talking with friends online and feeling a whole lot better. But then when the conversations ended, the emptiness creeped back in. I know I can read the Bible, but like Mrs. Ng says, sometimes when you are super sad, the Bible even doesn't even speak to you it just doesn't digest. The good thing is though, God can still give you peace even when the words of the Bible don't register.

I'm worried about TM now. Because of what happened to me, I'm worried about him.

It's not being easy being me at this point in time. Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with my new family (fellowship) but after I got home, I felt a feeling that was like a dagger piercing through my heart. I prayed but it didn't seem to help, so I called Mike. Mike always cheers me up, just by his voice. Michelle is also good at listening.

Anyway, Mike prayed for me over the phone and I felt a lot better and could actually sleep. But then again, the next morning I wanted to die. It was so strong, I felt like I could potentially be relapsing badly and so I quit my job. I had to.

I feel pretty ashamed that I had to quit my job. I feel like a failure but again it's just a feeling not a fact. God always sees me as His child, no need to be perfect. In any case, the events of yesterday afternoon still linger in my head. I feel dull... because I don't want to let the emotions go through my eyes. I just leave them in my mind.

Belief is a powerful thing. Yesterday, somehow I started believing in things that were misunderstandings. I started thinking of things that put me down. I started believing that I was less worthy, looked down upon, disliked, a tyrant of some sort. I started believing that I had been wrong all along, that everything I did to help was not good enough. Yes, I started believing that. Because I had put my trust in someone, and it turns out this person was two-faced and critical. But I trusted them. So I believed them.

I like snacks. I think they cheer me up. Tomorrow I'm also getting a guinea pig. I wonder what I will name it. In any case, I will choose a funny looking one, to make me happy. Maybe I will end up fulfilling my summer wish list after all. I just didn't know I had to deal with this whole crap to get it.

I wonder how I will survive church tomorrow. I think it's a nice church, nice people. I just didn't know one of them was going to give me a breakdown. Well, we'll see. God help me.

God showed me a miracle today. My friend Lillian from Montreal just "happened" to walk into the same elevator that I was in at the nursing home. I never knew she was going to be there. I was in fact praying that I could contact her, because my phone was out of my possession. It was completely random, or completely God should I say.

Many random coincidences have been happening lately. I see the world with eternal eyes now, so seriously, miracles are everywhere. I just had to open up my eyes to notice them.

I don't want to think about my teens anymore. It makes me sad that I will be leaving them. I taught about perseverance, but this time, I couldn't do it myself. I was too hurt. I will really miss them though, and I don't really know how I can explain my departure to them. I'm sure they will be asking.

I hate MFN right now. But I will forgive and learn to love this person again. God is our judge, no revenge is needed. It was seriously probably all a misunderstanding.