Misunderstandings...

My blog can be a blessing and it can be a curse. The blessing is that when I have nowhere to speak and express to others my feelings, I go to my blog and I share things. The curse is that people can misunderstand what I write, perhaps due to assumptions, other conflicting opinions, or just my way of writing, so vague and ambiguous.

This blog was created for inspiration, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to inspire, so I just write out my crappy feelings. It's true, life isn't always good and your friends can't always say super nice things to you, but it hurts when misunderstandings break us apart. I don't mind people telling me hard truths. But as they say, the medium is the message, and over the past weekend, I've had more than one person telling me criticism without listening to my side of the story first. And the way they said it was harsh, it cut to my heart. I was already stressed from other crap so that's why I had a panic attack faster than normal.

You know, panic attacks can't be controlled. I plan to go to my psychiatrist and counselor soon, but seriously, I wish people would understand that sometimes I cannot control how I feel. I get depressed easily, and stressed easily. That's why I need friends' encouragement. If you are going to tell me some hard truths, please do it with grace. I will try my best to do the same to you if I need to tell you a hard truth. I know it's hard when you are angry and same for me too. I guess we just all have to work on it. Don't worry, I don't hold anything against you.

I'm ashamed to be this weak. It's not like I want to be a crybaby or it's not that I want to quit my job due to 3 breakdowns. It's not like I want to communicate to my best friend through my blog so that everyone can see what's going on. I have no choice. I was being monitored and my only mode of communication was my blog. You think I'm imagining things? No, I was actually being monitored.

Some people can stand more pressure, some people don't. I guess I'm just the latter kind of person. Does that make me any less of a human being? No. Does having bipolar disorder make me a crazy, berserk, spazzed out person? No. I can't help it. If you have any kind of mental illness, then maybe you would understand. I already take my medication and get counselling, and I try my best in life. What else do you want me to do?

I'm completely disappointed in myself. But I will move on. If I'm a weak person, let me be a weak person who doesn't stay where she is. Let me be a weak person who continues to persevere through the trials. And learn something.

God bless you.