Hey all,
I only have a few minutes to update. If you havent noticed already, there are two posts (see below) from me recently about Selig and Jane&Finch.
This week I was hypomanic and didn't sleep for two and a half nights. But I am doing well, happy, medicated, and normal. I am glad that this time the hypomania didn't drop down to depression like it usually does.... lets hope that it doesnt happen next week.
God is good. Finally I can feel happy again. I had a lot of bright ideas too. Life is enjoyable.
There is so much that I wish I could tell you in person. If only I had time to hang out. Honestly, these days have been so busy with school, work, volunteering, church, and randomness. Yeah. Not much time to hang out. I have two assignments due Monday that I didnt even finish and I have a family dinner tomorrow where I have to dress nicely after having sweated with the children. Is that even possible?
God is still good. I am glad to have chances to talk about Jesus to others recently. God has renewed a passion in me. Praise God.
:) Love you all,
from Martine
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Part Two About Selig
Selig. Selig. Selig.
Who is Selig? He is Andrew Chao's friend whom I met at Urbana. Jen deeply regrets letting me sit with him and Andrew for one night at Urbana. Don't worry Jen, he is not that bad.
In fact, he is really mature. Strong in faith and mature in terms of respecting my boundaries. He promised he wouldnt ask me out because I want one year of staying single to heal my heart. He keeps asking me did I give my heart to him, because he DOESNT want me to give my heart to him.
But you know, typical martine, she is already thinking about dating him... but dont worry i will not ask him out... but i am setting boundaries this time. Once I feel that I am going to cling onto him, I tell him not to contact me for a week, such as this week when my bipolar is going crazy, i told him because of my bipolar please dont contact me until sunday otherwise I risk clinging onto you. And so far, Selig is strong on his promise, he didnt contact me.
Selig and I talked for two hours on skype last Sunday. It was a friendly conversation. Got to practice French and listening skills. To be honest, sometimes I zoned out cuz he was talking fast but I nodded anyway lol.
The two hours went by fast. And then after dinner he messaged me on gchat and we talked for like another hour or something i dont even remember how long. But he loves talking to me.
Something he said really makes you think and maybe even cringe....
"Martine I don't think that when you're in Montreal we should meet up one on one. Because over skype its ok but if I were with you in your sister's room I would probably want to hold you" ( by the way i was in my sister's room skyping him so no he is not trying to be a pervert with my sister)
Yeah I kind of cringed when he said that but i know he meant well. We will defiintely NOT meet up one on one. I have a lot of friends I want to see in Montreal anyway and its better to evaluate his behaviour in a large group.
Friends for now. For now.
My mom thinks he looks cute and is getting all excited about this new "potential" though. She even talked to my dad about Selig this morning. She pronounces his name "Ceiling". Funny.
:) well, thats enough for now. What else do u want to know???
Who is Selig? He is Andrew Chao's friend whom I met at Urbana. Jen deeply regrets letting me sit with him and Andrew for one night at Urbana. Don't worry Jen, he is not that bad.
In fact, he is really mature. Strong in faith and mature in terms of respecting my boundaries. He promised he wouldnt ask me out because I want one year of staying single to heal my heart. He keeps asking me did I give my heart to him, because he DOESNT want me to give my heart to him.
But you know, typical martine, she is already thinking about dating him... but dont worry i will not ask him out... but i am setting boundaries this time. Once I feel that I am going to cling onto him, I tell him not to contact me for a week, such as this week when my bipolar is going crazy, i told him because of my bipolar please dont contact me until sunday otherwise I risk clinging onto you. And so far, Selig is strong on his promise, he didnt contact me.
Selig and I talked for two hours on skype last Sunday. It was a friendly conversation. Got to practice French and listening skills. To be honest, sometimes I zoned out cuz he was talking fast but I nodded anyway lol.
The two hours went by fast. And then after dinner he messaged me on gchat and we talked for like another hour or something i dont even remember how long. But he loves talking to me.
Something he said really makes you think and maybe even cringe....
"Martine I don't think that when you're in Montreal we should meet up one on one. Because over skype its ok but if I were with you in your sister's room I would probably want to hold you" ( by the way i was in my sister's room skyping him so no he is not trying to be a pervert with my sister)
Yeah I kind of cringed when he said that but i know he meant well. We will defiintely NOT meet up one on one. I have a lot of friends I want to see in Montreal anyway and its better to evaluate his behaviour in a large group.
Friends for now. For now.
My mom thinks he looks cute and is getting all excited about this new "potential" though. She even talked to my dad about Selig this morning. She pronounces his name "Ceiling". Funny.
:) well, thats enough for now. What else do u want to know???
Major upcoming changes in my life... EXCITING!
Quick summary of what is to come in this blog post:
-i feel called to Jane and Finch for September
-i feel called to Jane and Finch for September
-Selig...
-I am going through bipolar disorder again, mostly hypomania
-I am producing a CD as you probably already saw on Facebook.
- I am getting a tattoo next week Sat (the first Sat of Feb) most likely. And on my BACK.
----------------
First of all, you might be shocked at Jane and Finch. Yeah. The poor gun violence and gang ridden community ? Yes. Jane and Finch. The place every rich person avoids to live near? Yes. Jane and Finch. I feel called to Jane and Finch.
I always had a heart for the poor. Gangsters, not so much. But the thing is, the poor people eventually become gangsters if no one ministers to them. So poverty and gangs are very interconnected. That's what I have come to know over the years. I also grew up in a church that supported Urban Promise, an organization that serves at risk kids and youth like in Jane and Finch. So I have a very good impression of UP because my old church went there for missions trip. However at that time I did not go.
I always had a heart for the poor. Gangsters, not so much. But the thing is, the poor people eventually become gangsters if no one ministers to them. So poverty and gangs are very interconnected. That's what I have come to know over the years. I also grew up in a church that supported Urban Promise, an organization that serves at risk kids and youth like in Jane and Finch. So I have a very good impression of UP because my old church went there for missions trip. However at that time I did not go.
Recently I have been a little frustrated at my work at church because I feel like whatever I do, the kids are not happy. Well the Saturday kids are better and the Mandarin kids are fine. Actually more specifically it is the gr. 5 and 6s esp. the Friday group that is bored of church and wants nothing but free time. That is what frustrates me. They don't like my games and don't want to have fun or cooperate.
That led me to thinking, what are my gifts? What are the talents that God gave me. God gave me a heart for outreach. Reaching to those in need of Jesus and of help. Aaron helped me to think about that as well as what I want to do in the future. in the future I don't want to just be stuck with church kids, I want to get out into the community. And outreach. I want to be an outreaching pastor.
So because Gloria needed my help finding direction for her future career path, I decided to ask UP and TCM some information. While I was helping her, I got interested myself. I asked questions about their internships and the final conclusion was hopefully I can stay at Grace church for Sat. and Sun. teaching the church kids and then during weekdays devote one or two nights a week to try out volunteering at Jane and Finch. I would drop the Friday fellowships because otherwise I would be too burdened. I still have to ask Pastor Lee about this but if I explain my dream he will know.
Dream, you say? Yes, I had a dream last week Tues. A vivid one. I was in a classroom teaching the Grace Church kids when a gunman came in and started telling every one to stand up. Then one by one in a game-system manner, he shot kids down and they died. The dream ends with a few kids left standing and the others on the ground and me staring and watching.
At first I did not know what the dream meant. All I remember was thinking that the murderer was crazy enough to use some sort of Russian Roulette game to kill the kids.
Then this week it all clicked in. The dream was a vision from God, telling me the question: "How would YOU feel if your kids got shot?"
Of course I would be devastated and shocked. This is how the Jane and Finch ppl feel when they lose someone to a gunshot.
You may ask, will your parents allow you to work in such an area? HA. Of course not. I am moving out in September to either Tyndale residence or Jane and Finch... probably Tyndale so that my mom doesnt have a heart attack. And that way, my parents dont need to know the details. All they need to know is that UP is a Christian organization and I am with Christians serving the poor. Thats all they need to know.
Looks like this update is getting long. I might need to finish this a bit later... feel free to ask questions....
The work I would be doing is after school program. And Gloria is interested in the TCM single mothers program. Working alongside Gloria would be helpful too because she grew up in Jane and Finch and knows ppl and how they are. I am complete newb but I know I can learn a lot from this experience, much more than if I were to stick in my frustrating comfort zone of the church. This will also train me to reach the poor in Montreal. UP can give me an idea of how inner city missions works so that I can bring it to Montreal. God is showing me step by step but this week is especially clear.
May God get all the glory.
Monday, January 21, 2013
New day, new me
I'm done with being a depressed Martine. As much as bipolar affects me, I will no longer stay in bed and mope. I will no longer despise life or be unsatisfied with whatever God has given me. I will learn to be thankful , helpful, take care of myself,love myself, be a better listener, be neater, manage my money well... These are all goals I have.
And one thing I must conquer. My fear of my parents. Eleanor Roosevelt said that we must conquer fear, stare it in the face and do what you think you cannot do.
I have prayed about this. I will be moving out in September. I will be trying something new, possibly volunteer with at risk Youth , get a tattoo of a Bible verse, and stand up for myself, get a drivers license. And never again will I let my parents dictate how I break up with a guy
I'm going to be a stronger woman.
I'm going to be a stronger Christian. my life will have great worth because God has given me the strength to continue to do this tough task of serving Him. God is going to make me into a better person. He is already working in me right now. All glory to God.
I will choose to daily give my affections to Jesus. I will choose to be joyful everyday. It's up to me to choose , I have the choice.
Friday, January 11, 2013
On the road of healing and overcoming
Hey friends, sorry if I worried you over the past week or so. I am feeling much better, a lot more joyful, ready to face the world. God has been slowly healing my heart through music, good quotes, the Bible, and other people. This week I laughed a lot (thanks to Gloria mostly cuz she made me laugh) and accomplished various things.
I have a lot to update you on, I'm not even sure where to start. Selig and I have been talking almost every day (we stopped on Wed and today I haven't talked to him yet) but he and I get along really well. Yes, I am attracted to him but he is not letting me date him so don't worry. He is mature like that, he knows I need time to heal and be free from guys and be satisfied in God and strong on my own first. But I think he likes me back hehe
The Montreal missions trip (which also includes a trip to Quebec City) is pretty much planned out, I will be there from Mar. 5 to 14, and I am excited. :) God is good! What will I be doing there? I will be doing various things but mostly helping with the Chinese church (Andrew's church actually) with outreach and discipleship.
Today I was talking to Aaron and somehow came up with the idea that maybe I could do an internship with Urban Promise in Sept. It would be one year and I would have to leave my current church job. It is still in the very beginning stage but I emailed both Urban Promise and TCM to see what the opportunity would be like. I have always wanted to work with street kids, at risk communities and evangelism to the poor but just never got the chance. Maybe now is my chance. Although I love my church kids, maybe the street kids need me more, you know? I will be praying about it. I think (and Aaron thinks) it would be a good learning opportunity for me too!
This Sunday afternoon before I meet Thuy and Josh B, I will be recording a CD with Gloria to fundraise for missions. I hope you can support me. :) I'm thinking only ten dollars per CD but you can donate more if you like! It would go to the Montreal missions trip. Which costs a little under $1000 to go for me.
Something I read today: Don't carry your mistakes. Put them down on the ground and use them as a stepping stone so you can rise above them.
Nice eh? haha
I have a lot to update you on, I'm not even sure where to start. Selig and I have been talking almost every day (we stopped on Wed and today I haven't talked to him yet) but he and I get along really well. Yes, I am attracted to him but he is not letting me date him so don't worry. He is mature like that, he knows I need time to heal and be free from guys and be satisfied in God and strong on my own first. But I think he likes me back hehe
The Montreal missions trip (which also includes a trip to Quebec City) is pretty much planned out, I will be there from Mar. 5 to 14, and I am excited. :) God is good! What will I be doing there? I will be doing various things but mostly helping with the Chinese church (Andrew's church actually) with outreach and discipleship.
Today I was talking to Aaron and somehow came up with the idea that maybe I could do an internship with Urban Promise in Sept. It would be one year and I would have to leave my current church job. It is still in the very beginning stage but I emailed both Urban Promise and TCM to see what the opportunity would be like. I have always wanted to work with street kids, at risk communities and evangelism to the poor but just never got the chance. Maybe now is my chance. Although I love my church kids, maybe the street kids need me more, you know? I will be praying about it. I think (and Aaron thinks) it would be a good learning opportunity for me too!
This Sunday afternoon before I meet Thuy and Josh B, I will be recording a CD with Gloria to fundraise for missions. I hope you can support me. :) I'm thinking only ten dollars per CD but you can donate more if you like! It would go to the Montreal missions trip. Which costs a little under $1000 to go for me.
Something I read today: Don't carry your mistakes. Put them down on the ground and use them as a stepping stone so you can rise above them.
Nice eh? haha
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Broken
Here is a song I love to sing, and today when I sang it for the second time, I started to cry.
I dreamed a dream, by les Miserables musical
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
I dreamed a dream, by les Miserables musical
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Slowly healing and decisions made
I'm done with guys. I'm going to stay single until I can be completely independent and not rely on guys to make me happy or feel loved. Right now, I don't even have feelings for Harold anymore ( I saw him today briefly when I went to visit Christina) and that's a good thing. I need time to heal. As for Selig, my new friend from Montreal (Andrew Chao's friend), I told him straight up I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I also deactivated my facebook because I'm done comparing myself with others and wasting time talking to people who are just plain bored. I have better things to do, I rather spend time in real time with friends or read a book. There are so many books I need and want to read.
It's also decided for sure that I'm moving out in September to Tyndale residence. I know it's the right decision because I've talked to several people and they all agree this is a healthy step for me and it can actually improve things with my family and my own well being. I just need to figure out about the courseload and finances. And I am going to get my G2 this summer. I don't care if my parents don't want me to get it. I will honor my parents, not necessarily obey everything they say. I'm 24 now I have to learn to make my own decisions. And wasting my money on the first G1 that expired was NOT God honoring because I was wasting money.
It's also decided for sure that I'm moving out in September to Tyndale residence. I know it's the right decision because I've talked to several people and they all agree this is a healthy step for me and it can actually improve things with my family and my own well being. I just need to figure out about the courseload and finances. And I am going to get my G2 this summer. I don't care if my parents don't want me to get it. I will honor my parents, not necessarily obey everything they say. I'm 24 now I have to learn to make my own decisions. And wasting my money on the first G1 that expired was NOT God honoring because I was wasting money.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Just want to heal
Please nobody mention Tommy anymore and I will do my best not to talk about him anymore. Wed and Thu I was crying, no more of that. I need to focus on God again and believe that His love is enough for me. This semester is going to be busy, I don't have time for heartbreaks and drama with guys. And I'm done comparing myself with others. No more of that. No more facebook for me either until I'm stable. Facebook just tells me what I don't have. It shows me happy pictures of couples and super spiritual statuses of people who are consistent in their walk with Jesus which I don't have. To focus on my own walk with God I need to stop looking at others. Just be me and go at my own pace. It's not a shameful thing to be where I am, and no I'm not going to cry about it. Enough of pictures and people reminding me of what I lost. I don't need that. I don't care if I'm confused, I'll leave that confusion behind and look forward. No matter how hard I think about it I'll never be able to understand what happened so just forget it and move on.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Dear God
Dear God,
I thank you for a wonderful time at Urbana. Even though it was hard seeing Tommy and getting all distracted by him, I know throughout the whole conference you wanted desperately for my heart to be given completely to You and although I still struggle with that I know that it's a process that You can help me with. Thanks for Your unending love and patience with me. I want to learn to focus back on You and not to get distracted again.
There is still a lot for me to learn and prepare before I go to Montreal for long term missions. I need to get my heart completely turned towards You with abandonment of all other things. God please help me to draw closer to You and have a deep love and appreciation for Your Word and learning how to hear Your voice.
Although I am sick and it kind of sucks, I want to make sure I don't waste my time, that I manage my time well and use it for You. I am going to read a book on discerning Your voice because it's something I struggle with. I hope it can give me new insights. Also I want to stop making excuses with the book of Job because although it is very long and I find Job's friends annoying I think it is very important that I get through reading it for my own sake.
There is a lot that I still need to figure out, like when you would want me to visit China or Africa for short term missions, whether you want me to go to Montreal or stay in Toronto for the translation program, whether you want me to move out in September, and whether you want me to go to Parole de Vie Bethel for one year of Bible studies. All these decisions but I am not worried because I know You will guide me.
Yesterday I cried about Tommy again but I didn't call any friends, I knew that You were there to comfort me and my sister comforted me too. I wonder if I should just block Tommy off of my facebook because it seems like being his friend isn't working out well right now. He has completely moved on but I have not. I was talking to him yesterday on facebook message and yeah, I just feel like it is totally not fair.
I want to learn how to guard my heart, God, I've always struggled with singleness and guarding my heart, it's crazy. I also want to be a better listener and understander, not to assume things. Please help me to change my bad habits. I want to care more. God please change my heart and help me to become more like You.
I'm so distracted God, how can I be less distracted? Please help me...
I thank you for a wonderful time at Urbana. Even though it was hard seeing Tommy and getting all distracted by him, I know throughout the whole conference you wanted desperately for my heart to be given completely to You and although I still struggle with that I know that it's a process that You can help me with. Thanks for Your unending love and patience with me. I want to learn to focus back on You and not to get distracted again.
There is still a lot for me to learn and prepare before I go to Montreal for long term missions. I need to get my heart completely turned towards You with abandonment of all other things. God please help me to draw closer to You and have a deep love and appreciation for Your Word and learning how to hear Your voice.
Although I am sick and it kind of sucks, I want to make sure I don't waste my time, that I manage my time well and use it for You. I am going to read a book on discerning Your voice because it's something I struggle with. I hope it can give me new insights. Also I want to stop making excuses with the book of Job because although it is very long and I find Job's friends annoying I think it is very important that I get through reading it for my own sake.
There is a lot that I still need to figure out, like when you would want me to visit China or Africa for short term missions, whether you want me to go to Montreal or stay in Toronto for the translation program, whether you want me to move out in September, and whether you want me to go to Parole de Vie Bethel for one year of Bible studies. All these decisions but I am not worried because I know You will guide me.
Yesterday I cried about Tommy again but I didn't call any friends, I knew that You were there to comfort me and my sister comforted me too. I wonder if I should just block Tommy off of my facebook because it seems like being his friend isn't working out well right now. He has completely moved on but I have not. I was talking to him yesterday on facebook message and yeah, I just feel like it is totally not fair.
I want to learn how to guard my heart, God, I've always struggled with singleness and guarding my heart, it's crazy. I also want to be a better listener and understander, not to assume things. Please help me to change my bad habits. I want to care more. God please change my heart and help me to become more like You.
I'm so distracted God, how can I be less distracted? Please help me...
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