Completely satisfied in the Lord

Dear God, I am so happy. So happy that I completely forgot about my doctor's appointment (with the gynecologist) today. :P hahaha but thank you God that they allowed me to reschedule at no cost. HOPEFULLY God i can get a good surgery date! I trust in You God! Lately I've been having a feeling of being completely satisfied in You. It's like the best feeling in the world. My birthday went super well and I was really happy. I learned gospel magic tricks and I pray that i can use them for Your glory. I also ate cupcakes, cake, and chocolate. :P gonna gain weight :P but yeah i love the gym combat classes, gets me excited and more fit :D thank You! Also I got word that 1000 dollars was reserved for my missions trip. With that and people's donations i will be going to montreal in no time with less financial hassle :D yayyyyy! thank You for everything God. for encouraging me with songs, friends, family and my guinea pig Fuzzy. Thanks for my special someone Harold, even though we are not dating but I enjoy getting to know him and we're gonna meet this wed to practice French! Pray that I become more fluent! :D esp with religious vocab! haha Just so glad and thankful. God is GOOD! AMEN!

Shared with Harold

I just had an hour-long talk with Harold over the phone. It was good. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what ends up happening, I want to be Harold's friend. I am not going to expect him to love me romantically or anything like that. I just want to be there for him as a friend.

He is going through a rough time with heartbreak and whatever and I won't share the details but I can totally relate to his situation. We shared about our pasts and yeah I thank God that God was able to use my hurt and pain from the past to help Harold feel that he is not alone, and that somebody has been there before.

:)

A good song to listen to: http://youtu.be/yKIT4KPS-VQ

Wake-up call for myself...

This morning and yesterday I spent so much time in bed it's embarrassing. I lost motivation and just became lethargic. My mind was unfruitful and I thought of many things that happened in the past, especially Adrian and it led me to further bad thoughts and it was not pretty.

But some people's facebook posts and some Bible verses were encouraging and gave me a "wake up call" to live life again and stop thinking and dwelling on the past and stop sleeping. Here they are:
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Jaeson Ma:

If you want to gain it all, you have to lose it all. The power in life is not control, the power in life is the art of surrender. The moment you let go is the moment God steps in. Learn to entrust your fears to God and He will do for you what you could never do for yourself.

“[Take Up the Cross and Follow Him] Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” Luke 9:23-24 NKJV

It is more important than ever to keep your composure. Continue to seek My face and maintain spiritual vitality. I am your hope and your very present help in times of trouble. Depend on Me to give you the wisdom you need that will bring you to the heart of every issue and give you direction for your next step. Be courageous and bold; do not be afraid, says the Lord, for I am with you.

Psalms 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble

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Chris Kam
‎"A primary tactic of Satan is to get us to think that what is good is whatever we desire. If you equate what is good with desire then you have no place to go.

Desire is an impulse toward a particular object or activity. You never want just one thing, but lots of things that are conflictual. Desires are obsessive, they hold onto you. They promise happiness if they just get what they want, but it’s never true."
-Dallas Willard the Great
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ISAIAH 43: 18-19

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
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You must be wondering why I thought of Adrian again. I'm not exactly sure, it might have to do with the question "was I ever in love with him or was it just passion and lust and reciprocating his loving?" Lately I've been thinking, how do I know I'm really in love? I asked others and they said time will tell.

And maybe I'm self conscious, like maybe I'm worried that Harold (if he even likes me) will not accept me because of my past. Or maybe that I will never be able to open up about the things that went on in the past? I don't know.

Maybe I just spent way too much time in bed and when I am not actually sleeping my mind becomes unfruitful and starts thinking things about the past. That's another reason why I should stop sleeping so much.

I know that I loved Adrian even though I was probably not totally in love with him. But I did many things to show my love and I gave my heart and everything to him. Do I regret it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. I regret how things turned out in some ways but in the end I know he was not the right person for me.

Maybe I am thinking about all this because recently Harold started opening up about his ex so it makes me think of my exs... anyways...

I'm going to stop typing now... I have an essay and an exam to study for!!!

So Vulnerable

I got a headache yesterday I think because I was working my butt off at the gym and the fitness class teacher worked us really really hard. Today my headache persisted and I took two advils and my body ached. Yesterday I slept early and because of that I didn't take my medication for bipolar. Then today there was some misunderstanding with Pastor Lee and some other stuff that happened so I started crying after Sunday School and I stopped my crying right before the Easter Lunch. I am so glad that I have my friends Aaron and Josh to share with about my troubles because they prayed for me today. And Gloria, Joyce, Sam, were there to share in some of my irritations and troubles. I'm glad I can be honest at church and don't have to hide my sadness behind a smile in front of everybody. God loves me this I know. Thank God for his mercy.

I just got an email from Harold. He said he doesn't mind communicating with me every day because he appreciates having a sincere friend. That phrase "sincere friend" just totally hit me and it reminded me that I should just be his friend without expecting anything, and be careful not to show my romantic feelings because otherwise he might think I am just being his friend just to flirt with him or something. Which is possibly true at this point, I need to do a self-check. I need to think, would I be okay with being Harold's friend without anything that comes out of it? Often I feel like I may have ulterior motives, such as pleasing my feelings or something. I pray that I can be a sincere friend like Harold thinks I am. I need to keep my mouth shut more often because I feel like I am jumping the gun these days like for example I asked him if he likes kids. And if he still loves his ex. AHHH MARTINE YOU ARE TOO FAST! WAYYYY TOO FAST!!!

Anyways may God help me with this! God please steady my heart!!!

Changes in My Life

Sorry that I did not update very thoroughly over the past two weeks. But I am happy to report that things have been going generally well and I'm learning a lot. I joined GoodLIFE fitness gym and have been going for 2-3 times a week, which has given me a more happy attitude, less lethargic, more energy, and more joy. I love the body combat fitness class where we do boxing and other martial arts combined with an aerobics workout. Unfortunately because of going to the gym I lost an earring and my shampoo/body wash stuff because of my carelessness. But i will work out a lot and hopefully make this gym worth my money.

I have learned that I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to have fun every week and exercise no matter how busy I am. It will actually benefit me in the long run.

Things with Harold have been interesting. I am growing closer to him as a friend and we are slowly opening up to each other sharing about our past. He went through a breakup recently so I must be patient and not push him even though I like him a lot. He's a great person, loves God and loves others, I can see how he could become a good pastor even though there is still so much I need to learn about this guy. But I have a good feeling about him and Gloria is supportive.

Things with God have gotten better too. After a wake up call from Chris Kam I realized that I wasn't growing fast enough in my relationship with God. I was stagnant. And that basically means I was behind. But lately I have made a plan just like Chris suggested, to read the Bible every night and spend quality time in prayer. It also helps that I'm less lethargic due to going to the gym, I can concentrate better in the Bible and wake up on time.

Today I'm going to see the gynecologist. Thank God instead of running two weeks straight my period now runs for only 1.5 weeks straight. That is an improvement.

April and May and June are going to be busy months for me. Organizing my birthday party (btw. Thuy what are you doing for your birthday???) which the party will be on the 21st, organizing children's programs, doing readings, doing assignments and studying for exam, etc. Plus prepping for missions trip to Montreal.

The missions trip to Montreal will cost roughly 1350 dollars for two weeks which is more than what I expected. I will need to fundraise like crazy and pray hard. Things are really pressing.

I need to learn how to not only pray mostly for myself but pray deeply for others. Not brief, here you go, prayers, but deep, expansive, intimate and specific prayers. So let me do some of that now...

:)

I just lost faith in all mankind.