Update, new hopes and goals.

Hi dear friends,

Recently my dear brother in Christ Stephen has been checking my blog and noticed I haven't posted for a long time.  Sorry for the long silence.  Basically I just didn't feel the need to update, which is actually a good thing cuz things were pretty stable and I was feeling fine.  Of course, there were still interesting things that happened though, so I will try to update here a bit.

My bipolar was pretty non existent for the past two months, but suddenly last weekend I was quite suicidal.  I think mainly I felt like I was bad for committing the same sin over and over again.  It's always the same.  And I was sad because I couldn't seem to let go of Christos.  Same issue over and over again as well.

I tried my best to shake off the depression by listening to Christian music, which helped me enough to encourage me to go to church.  Cuz at first I didn't even want to go to church, I was that depressed.  At the 2nd church I cried.

I talked to an older sister in Christ, Jeannie, and she said I should not condemn myself for my sin.  My sexuality is part of me and God created us to want sex.  It is also harder because I am a single and I had sex before so it's hard to completely not want sex.  She said I have to remember Jesus wants me to live in freedom.

There were other things I was upset at myself about.  I felt I didn't really read and understand as much Bible as other pastors or classmates.  I was basically just disappointed in myself.

Randomly the depression suddenly left Sunday night and I started to accept myself again.  But the depression returned for a little while on Tuesday.

Now I am doing absolutely fine other than the fact that I haven't been sleeping restfully and someone just talked to me and gave me high blood pressure.  I won't say who.  But I'm listening to "Be Still my soul" by David Archuleta and it's very very calming.  And I'm taking deep breaths. And not talking to that person anymore.

Why do I still hang onto Christos? I don't really like him romantically, really.  It's mainly lust and wanting attention, which he gives.  And knowing that he did love me in the past and knowing he still wants me in a way now, even though not romantically, somehow it always draws me back to him.  I don't want to lose him as a friend, even though we barely have anything in common.  My head knows that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart still feels something for him.  I have no idea when my heart will start following my head.  I tried to force my heart so many times to let go, but it just doesn't want to.  Christos gives me comfort, affirmation, laughter, and touch.  I know he really does care about me.

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Goals for myself:

1) Exercise 3 times a week starting in November
(this will be slightly easier now that my new workout buddy will be Jenny Poon)

2) Take Sabbath for a few hours each week every Tuesday
(trying it again)

3) Read more of the Bible.

4) Find mature Christians and positive people to hang out with more.
(Rev. Wang said hanging out with suicidal and needy people all the time is not good for me)

5) Always think of the positive in every situation, become the optimist I used to be.