Things I'm annoyed with...
My foot was bleeding because of my new boot, I always break my boots and have bad luck with boots.
I have cuts all over my hands because of eczema and random don't even know how I cut myself.
I got fatter. My ring doesn't fit anymore and my ring finger is an awkward shape because part of it is skinny and part of it is fat because of the ring.
I can't seem to ever be cheered up. I'm always looking tired and sad. If someone cheers me up, it's not for long.
My dad was asleep today so I couldn't see him. My mom was not understanding of my bipolar, again.
My computer is still making weird noises.
I hate wasting money.
I'm so annoyed I'm not even going to finish writing this post.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A night of remembering and tears
I haven't slept yet. (it's 7:42am right now)
Last night I started my "work of grief". For the first time after Alana's death, I told someone (Golda) how much I missed her, my memories of her, and cried it out. I told her my regret of not visiting her one more time before she died.
I also shared about my heartbreak with my first boyfriend, which I never fully got over because I kept filling the empty hole with a new guy and then a new guy and then a new guy.
I cried so much. I shared about my family, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom. Mostly I was sad because my dad thinks I don't love him, and I don't feel much love from him either. I realized he has some mild form of OCD too, which makes me understand him more.
I thought about Chris, how lately I've been hiding my sadness away from him. I tried to be strong every time I went on Skype with him. I wanted him to be happy because he said when I'm happy then he's happy. But Golda said I shouldn't fake it. I need to show my true grief in order to get over it.
My life is so broken. I wish that I was fully healed but it's a process. I know God will use my weakness for His glory and His glory will end up making things great. I have learned a lot from my problems. I am growing.
Hopefully I don't snap today at my mom's birthday lunch. I'm really fragile when I have no sleep. If I can't take it anymore I will skip the reunion to see Ying. She would understand.
Last night I started my "work of grief". For the first time after Alana's death, I told someone (Golda) how much I missed her, my memories of her, and cried it out. I told her my regret of not visiting her one more time before she died.
I also shared about my heartbreak with my first boyfriend, which I never fully got over because I kept filling the empty hole with a new guy and then a new guy and then a new guy.
I cried so much. I shared about my family, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom. Mostly I was sad because my dad thinks I don't love him, and I don't feel much love from him either. I realized he has some mild form of OCD too, which makes me understand him more.
I thought about Chris, how lately I've been hiding my sadness away from him. I tried to be strong every time I went on Skype with him. I wanted him to be happy because he said when I'm happy then he's happy. But Golda said I shouldn't fake it. I need to show my true grief in order to get over it.
My life is so broken. I wish that I was fully healed but it's a process. I know God will use my weakness for His glory and His glory will end up making things great. I have learned a lot from my problems. I am growing.
Hopefully I don't snap today at my mom's birthday lunch. I'm really fragile when I have no sleep. If I can't take it anymore I will skip the reunion to see Ying. She would understand.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Lessons Learned
Lessons learned for my relationship with Chris:
1) more one on one time and I shouldn't drag him into my friends problems
2) don't assume what other ppl say is true
3) realize we will not leave each other. Unless we talked about it in person. Dont assume things from text or Facebook
4) when we have an issue try not to talk about it on Facebook or text. Miscommunication happens.
5) if someone doesn't think we are right for each other. . Screw what they said and ignore it
6) try ur best to resolve the issue btw the two of us and only bring in a third person if that doesn't work . Otherwise bringing a third person complicates the matter
Lessons learned about my weaknesses:
1) I have a problem saying "no". I always want to please people.
2) I believe everything that almost everyone says. I have trouble forming my own opinion.
3) I am too self sacrificial. Helping others at the expense of my own happiness and not taking care of myself.
4) I take a lot of things personally. When someone says something, I take it to heart.
5) I'm afraid of breakup. I'm afraid of being considered selfish and a hypocrite. I'm afraid of not being useful or being useless. I'm afraid people I know will die or commit suicide.
6) I don't know how to budget. Money is totally abstract to me.
Goals I have for the near future:
1) Learn to take care of myself better by saying "no" to people I really can't help. Whether it is time constraint or emotional constraint.
2) Take everything people say with a grain of salt. Make up my own mind after praying and thinking over all the options. Don't be so gullible.
3) Make sure I do things that make myself happy too, not just others happy.
4) Tell myself that sometimes people say things out of anger or their own problems, not because of me or anything I did.
5) Don't be afraid. Trust God and trust in Chris. If people think I'm selfish, just remind myself I'm not. And everyone is a hypocrite in some way. No need to worry. Everyone will die, just make the best of each moment while I can.
7) Um... look at my bank account and stop giving free money away.
1) more one on one time and I shouldn't drag him into my friends problems
2) don't assume what other ppl say is true
3) realize we will not leave each other. Unless we talked about it in person. Dont assume things from text or Facebook
4) when we have an issue try not to talk about it on Facebook or text. Miscommunication happens.
5) if someone doesn't think we are right for each other. . Screw what they said and ignore it
6) try ur best to resolve the issue btw the two of us and only bring in a third person if that doesn't work . Otherwise bringing a third person complicates the matter
Lessons learned about my weaknesses:
1) I have a problem saying "no". I always want to please people.
2) I believe everything that almost everyone says. I have trouble forming my own opinion.
3) I am too self sacrificial. Helping others at the expense of my own happiness and not taking care of myself.
4) I take a lot of things personally. When someone says something, I take it to heart.
5) I'm afraid of breakup. I'm afraid of being considered selfish and a hypocrite. I'm afraid of not being useful or being useless. I'm afraid people I know will die or commit suicide.
6) I don't know how to budget. Money is totally abstract to me.
Goals I have for the near future:
1) Learn to take care of myself better by saying "no" to people I really can't help. Whether it is time constraint or emotional constraint.
2) Take everything people say with a grain of salt. Make up my own mind after praying and thinking over all the options. Don't be so gullible.
3) Make sure I do things that make myself happy too, not just others happy.
4) Tell myself that sometimes people say things out of anger or their own problems, not because of me or anything I did.
5) Don't be afraid. Trust God and trust in Chris. If people think I'm selfish, just remind myself I'm not. And everyone is a hypocrite in some way. No need to worry. Everyone will die, just make the best of each moment while I can.
7) Um... look at my bank account and stop giving free money away.
Monday, February 3, 2014
I have to let it out
This is a post to let out all my feelings, bad and good. I will start with the bad, hopefully by the end of it I will be happy again.
I hate being so emotional. I hate crying so easily.
I hate being so fragile. I hate having to take care of other people while I myself am hurting.
I hate having to worry about suicidal people.
I hate how I'm behind in school, even though I only have one course.
I hate how I haven't played piano, guitar, or violin for fun anymore.
I hate how when I sing I don't sing well anymore, because I didn't have the time or space to practice.
I hate how I haven't taken dance lessons in so long.
I hate where I am living right now. Lopsided bed, inconvenient washing machine and dryer, having to do the dishes at a certain time, and being so inconveniently far away from Food Basics.
I hate my computer, making weird noises, got wrecked by Golda's cousin, had to get it fixed for 50 dollars and it's still not completely fixed, what a waste.
I hate walking to school, takes 35 minutes every time.
I hate how all the crises came back to back.
I hate how my dad doesn't like me and chose to gave all the money to my sister.
I hate how I am a pastor yet I struggle with reading the Bible, I didn't even read the whole Bible yet.
I hate how I only get 2 Sundays off a year.
I hate how my psychiatrist was so far away and wasted my time.
I hate how I am short on money and people need my money.
I hate how Bryan died of suicide.
I hate how I missed my four friends' funerals.
I hate how I have to fake a smile and pretend to be happy just so that others don't worry.
I hate being pessimistic.
I hate living in some other family's house and seeing all the drama.
I don't belong here!!!!
I hate how I can't tell Golda everything I feel, otherwise she will feel like it's all her fault.
I hate it when Golda triggers me, bothers me, annoys me, tells me lectures, gets between me and Chris, makes me cry, makes me feel controlled.
I hate how Peggy and Selena give me friendship drama.
I hate how Christina doesn't agree with me being a pastor and wants to convince me to stop being a pastor.
I hate how Jack isn't getting any better.
I hate being so self sacrificial.
I hate how I feel like I can't tell Chris everything because then it will bring him down. Or make him sad or worry about me.
I hate how I don't hang out at Aaron's house anymore.
I hate when people tell me Chris is not the right one for me.
I hated it when Gloria brought Christos to the fellowship and then I quit being lifegroup leader.
I hate how I think about cutting myself.
I hate how I get so easily angry and sad whenever I visit my parents' house.
I hate how I always fall asleep in class. What a waste of money.
I want to run away.
I'm thankful I have God.
I'm thankful my best friends are still here.
I'm thankful I have a place to live.
I'm thankful I can help others.
I'm thankful I have Chris.
I'm thankful my dreams will get achieved.
I'm thankful I have my own CD, I have a wonderful job.
I'm thankful I am making a difference.
I'm thankful I have a family who cares for me.
I'm thankful I have music.
I'm thankful I can talk to my counselor and mentors and good friends.
I'm thankful I can exercise and go to the gym.
I'm thankful that I'm musical.
I'm thankful that Golda is here to support me.
I'm thankful that I got to know Bryan before he died.
I'm thankful I got to know Ade, Alana, and Mr. Kumar before they died.
I'm thankful I got to go to Montreal many times.
I'm thankful I can still speak French pretty well.
I'm thankful I have a computer at all.
I'm thankful I have many happy memories with Chris and Golda.
I'm thankful I have Selena.
I'm thankful I have Thuy.
I'm thankful I have Karl, Jen, and Aaron.
I'm thankful people care about me and say I'm inspiring.
I'm thankful I live in Canada.
I'm thankful I have enough to eat.
I'm thankful I know how to write.
I'm thankful that I will eventually get better from this damned bipolar disorder.
I'm thankful that I have a tattoo on my back.
I'm thankful I get the chance to go to school and still get good marks.
I'm thankful Jesus saved me.
I'm thankful that one day things will get better.
I'm thankful that Chris is a Christian and is a really great guy.
I'm thankful the snow is sparkly.
I'm thankful for Walter.
I'm thankful for everyone I meet, actually.
I'm thankful that Jack is being taken care of.
I'm thankful that God is watching over me.
I hate being so emotional. I hate crying so easily.
I hate being so fragile. I hate having to take care of other people while I myself am hurting.
I hate having to worry about suicidal people.
I hate how I'm behind in school, even though I only have one course.
I hate how I haven't played piano, guitar, or violin for fun anymore.
I hate how when I sing I don't sing well anymore, because I didn't have the time or space to practice.
I hate how I haven't taken dance lessons in so long.
I hate where I am living right now. Lopsided bed, inconvenient washing machine and dryer, having to do the dishes at a certain time, and being so inconveniently far away from Food Basics.
I hate my computer, making weird noises, got wrecked by Golda's cousin, had to get it fixed for 50 dollars and it's still not completely fixed, what a waste.
I hate walking to school, takes 35 minutes every time.
I hate how all the crises came back to back.
I hate how my dad doesn't like me and chose to gave all the money to my sister.
I hate how I am a pastor yet I struggle with reading the Bible, I didn't even read the whole Bible yet.
I hate how I only get 2 Sundays off a year.
I hate how my psychiatrist was so far away and wasted my time.
I hate how I am short on money and people need my money.
I hate how Bryan died of suicide.
I hate how I missed my four friends' funerals.
I hate how I have to fake a smile and pretend to be happy just so that others don't worry.
I hate being pessimistic.
I hate living in some other family's house and seeing all the drama.
I don't belong here!!!!
I hate how I can't tell Golda everything I feel, otherwise she will feel like it's all her fault.
I hate it when Golda triggers me, bothers me, annoys me, tells me lectures, gets between me and Chris, makes me cry, makes me feel controlled.
I hate how Peggy and Selena give me friendship drama.
I hate how Christina doesn't agree with me being a pastor and wants to convince me to stop being a pastor.
I hate how Jack isn't getting any better.
I hate being so self sacrificial.
I hate how I feel like I can't tell Chris everything because then it will bring him down. Or make him sad or worry about me.
I hate how I don't hang out at Aaron's house anymore.
I hate when people tell me Chris is not the right one for me.
I hated it when Gloria brought Christos to the fellowship and then I quit being lifegroup leader.
I hate how I think about cutting myself.
I hate how I get so easily angry and sad whenever I visit my parents' house.
I hate how I always fall asleep in class. What a waste of money.
I want to run away.
I'm thankful I have God.
I'm thankful my best friends are still here.
I'm thankful I have a place to live.
I'm thankful I can help others.
I'm thankful I have Chris.
I'm thankful my dreams will get achieved.
I'm thankful I have my own CD, I have a wonderful job.
I'm thankful I am making a difference.
I'm thankful I have a family who cares for me.
I'm thankful I have music.
I'm thankful I can talk to my counselor and mentors and good friends.
I'm thankful I can exercise and go to the gym.
I'm thankful that I'm musical.
I'm thankful that Golda is here to support me.
I'm thankful that I got to know Bryan before he died.
I'm thankful I got to know Ade, Alana, and Mr. Kumar before they died.
I'm thankful I got to go to Montreal many times.
I'm thankful I can still speak French pretty well.
I'm thankful I have a computer at all.
I'm thankful I have many happy memories with Chris and Golda.
I'm thankful I have Selena.
I'm thankful I have Thuy.
I'm thankful I have Karl, Jen, and Aaron.
I'm thankful people care about me and say I'm inspiring.
I'm thankful I live in Canada.
I'm thankful I have enough to eat.
I'm thankful I know how to write.
I'm thankful that I will eventually get better from this damned bipolar disorder.
I'm thankful that I have a tattoo on my back.
I'm thankful I get the chance to go to school and still get good marks.
I'm thankful Jesus saved me.
I'm thankful that one day things will get better.
I'm thankful that Chris is a Christian and is a really great guy.
I'm thankful the snow is sparkly.
I'm thankful for Walter.
I'm thankful for everyone I meet, actually.
I'm thankful that Jack is being taken care of.
I'm thankful that God is watching over me.
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