Random thoughts, or maybe, not so random.

I have a lot to share but they seem to be coming into my brain in random spurts. First of all, yesterday I watched the movie "Adjustment Bureau" and it made me think about fate and free will. I wrote in my personal journal and I think I sort of know what I believe about fate and free will now. Long story short, life is more complicated than human brains can explain, and what happens to one person may be fate while if the same or similar thing happens to another person, it may be chance or free will.

This fate and free will thing made me think about what happened with Adrian and my thoughts about Andrew. With Adrian I think it was fate that we met, fate that we went out together, and fate that we broke up. But the reason why we broke up was part of free will, because I did what I did and I don't think it was God's will, it was my choice. I know I might not be making sense to you right now, and you can feel free to ask me another day. It's a complex theory.

With Andrew, I don't know whether fate or free will is gonna play into it, but looks like Andrew isn't showing any interest in me as far as I know so I'm gonna see if fate will bring us together or not in the future. I actually prayed more than once that Andrew would be the one for me, but God can decide whether or not this is gonna happen. If I force it to happen out of free will (by the way, it can only happen if Andrew also wants it to happen out of his free will too), then I might miss out on God's plan for me, UNLESS God changes His mind or decides to change His plan due to the fact that I chose something different from what He planned. Sound complicated? It's all clear to me now, maybe it will become clear to you sometime or another.

Overall, I still want to follow God's perfect plan. I don't wanna do something that God doesn't want me to do, like choose something that is not part of His plan. But that begs the question: What is His plan? Well, to be honest with Andrew I don't know. Even Andrew doesn't know where he's going in terms of life path/career so we cannot figure anything out even if he does happen to like me. I'll just have to wait and see.

Today in class someone mentioned something in their presentation that made me think of Adrian again. Then my sister, when I came home, told me she accidentally broke my camera and then I thought about how Adrian helped me buy that camera. I was sad and cried a little because of all the memories that sprung up about Adrian but I was ok after I focused on doing some work. I feel like work helps keep me on track.

Maybe that's why I like searching and applying for jobs so much. I feel like there is some sense of purpose or I'm doing something useful or something I like to do. I like to work. Not necessarily write essays, but I like to work. I'm a doer, I join tons of different things to keep me busy, making a difference, and productive(Aaron must be saying: Hey! I'm the same!)

But these days I'm not workaholic. I might be searching-for-a-job-aholic (addicted to searching and applying to jobs) but I am not workaholic. I am sleeping a lot and generally getting enough rest, and I'm not even working that much compared to last semester.

For a while, I didn't have strong feelings for Andrew anymore because I was focused on school and work and volunteering. In fact, the feelings dissipated so much that I said to myself I'd be fine if I stayed single for the rest of my life. But yesterday I found myself once again praying that Andrew would be the one. But at the same time, I prayed for him to be able to be with the girl he loves/wants, even if it's not me.

I look forward to going up Mont Royal at Montreal this summer. I have a feeling that God will say something to me when I look down at the city of Montreal. Of course, God can speak to me anywhere, but I have a feeling He will tell me something when I go up that mountain.

I know all this talk about God, free will, and fate may seem very abstract or strange. But for me it's a living reality and I feel like I need to figure out more of it in order to live my life better... Sort of. I don't have to figure it ALL out, but I want to figure out more stuff about God and life and all that.

Alright, I think I'm going to go do some research right now. Talk to you guys later! Thanks for caring, reading, and being there for me.

Rediscovering myself

This week has been overall a really good week. Just yesterday the toddlers (Mandarin Children's Fellowship) went REALLY WELL. Thank God! Just when I thought that toddlers was not my thing, I realized that it really depended on whether the kids were having a good or bad day, not necessarily related to my ability to help them. And Jennifer encouraged me saying I am indeed gifted in Children and Youth.

I still wonder though if I am still as gifted in children as I was before. I feel myself not doing as well in Children's ministry as I am doing in Youth ministry at the moment. But then again, it also depends on the kids and how well they know me and how responsive they are.

I feel like my calling is towards youth because it's the critical age where a lot of them are discovering their identities, trying new things, and facing issues such as rejection, isolation, peer pressure, suicidal thoughts, and other stresses and pressures. I feel that as a result of these needs I want to be there as a role model and help them through these stages.

Plus, I don't feel as if I have a lot of creativity, which is what little kids need. Anyway, this year I will test out the waters and see where I'm gifted at and how things go. I was considering not helping out with toddlers after this year's contract ends but maybe maybe maybe it's not so bad after all??? In any case, this is a training and testing year for me, to discover myself and my talents and gifts.

:)

Love is an ocean wide

The more I listen to this song, the more I want to cry. It's a very touching and moving song. I think about all that happened with Adrian, the things that happened to my friend (can't tell you it's very private), and just God's love in general. And I feel like crying with this song.

Lately I was emailing Adrian to see how he was doing. He's not doing well. He feels lonely and is probably longing for someone to fill the gap that I left in his heart. I'm trying to help him by getting church ppl to reach out to him, I'm trying to encourage him to turn to God, but who am I? I'm his ex.

And I'm still trying to get over him. For sure I don't like him in that way anymore, but I still miss him. It's not a relationship I can just forget about. That's why I can't even tell if I like Andrew or not, because Adrian still lingers in me. And just last Sunday when Pastor Victor talked about David and Bathsheba (a bible story) I was reminded of what I did and God's grace for me.

But I don't like being reminded of what I did. But it's still there.

But Love is an Ocean Wide enough to forget. Even though we think we can't... so maybe one day I will "forget" about all this and just start enjoying life again.

I'm just like Adrian, wanting intimacy. And looking everywhere to find it, but really it's something we have to deal with on our own first.

Stop Standing There by Avril Lavigne (I love her new album!)

All this talking to you
I don't know what I'm to do
I don't know where you stand
What's inside of your head

All this thinking of you
Is that what you do onto
You're always on my mind
I talk about you all the time

Chorus:

Don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

You're just standing by
You're just wasting time
Why don't you just tell me the truth about me and you
And as the time goes by
I hope you realize
If you ask me to
I just might be with you

So don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart

Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

Bridge:

Stop Standing there, standing there
And stop acting like you don't care
And stop being scared, being scared
Stop acting like you don't care..

So, don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
So open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

So, don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show how much I'm in it
Open up your heart
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

Who I am, who I am, who I am..