Random thoughts, or maybe, not so random.

I have a lot to share but they seem to be coming into my brain in random spurts. First of all, yesterday I watched the movie "Adjustment Bureau" and it made me think about fate and free will. I wrote in my personal journal and I think I sort of know what I believe about fate and free will now. Long story short, life is more complicated than human brains can explain, and what happens to one person may be fate while if the same or similar thing happens to another person, it may be chance or free will.

This fate and free will thing made me think about what happened with Adrian and my thoughts about Andrew. With Adrian I think it was fate that we met, fate that we went out together, and fate that we broke up. But the reason why we broke up was part of free will, because I did what I did and I don't think it was God's will, it was my choice. I know I might not be making sense to you right now, and you can feel free to ask me another day. It's a complex theory.

With Andrew, I don't know whether fate or free will is gonna play into it, but looks like Andrew isn't showing any interest in me as far as I know so I'm gonna see if fate will bring us together or not in the future. I actually prayed more than once that Andrew would be the one for me, but God can decide whether or not this is gonna happen. If I force it to happen out of free will (by the way, it can only happen if Andrew also wants it to happen out of his free will too), then I might miss out on God's plan for me, UNLESS God changes His mind or decides to change His plan due to the fact that I chose something different from what He planned. Sound complicated? It's all clear to me now, maybe it will become clear to you sometime or another.

Overall, I still want to follow God's perfect plan. I don't wanna do something that God doesn't want me to do, like choose something that is not part of His plan. But that begs the question: What is His plan? Well, to be honest with Andrew I don't know. Even Andrew doesn't know where he's going in terms of life path/career so we cannot figure anything out even if he does happen to like me. I'll just have to wait and see.

Today in class someone mentioned something in their presentation that made me think of Adrian again. Then my sister, when I came home, told me she accidentally broke my camera and then I thought about how Adrian helped me buy that camera. I was sad and cried a little because of all the memories that sprung up about Adrian but I was ok after I focused on doing some work. I feel like work helps keep me on track.

Maybe that's why I like searching and applying for jobs so much. I feel like there is some sense of purpose or I'm doing something useful or something I like to do. I like to work. Not necessarily write essays, but I like to work. I'm a doer, I join tons of different things to keep me busy, making a difference, and productive(Aaron must be saying: Hey! I'm the same!)

But these days I'm not workaholic. I might be searching-for-a-job-aholic (addicted to searching and applying to jobs) but I am not workaholic. I am sleeping a lot and generally getting enough rest, and I'm not even working that much compared to last semester.

For a while, I didn't have strong feelings for Andrew anymore because I was focused on school and work and volunteering. In fact, the feelings dissipated so much that I said to myself I'd be fine if I stayed single for the rest of my life. But yesterday I found myself once again praying that Andrew would be the one. But at the same time, I prayed for him to be able to be with the girl he loves/wants, even if it's not me.

I look forward to going up Mont Royal at Montreal this summer. I have a feeling that God will say something to me when I look down at the city of Montreal. Of course, God can speak to me anywhere, but I have a feeling He will tell me something when I go up that mountain.

I know all this talk about God, free will, and fate may seem very abstract or strange. But for me it's a living reality and I feel like I need to figure out more of it in order to live my life better... Sort of. I don't have to figure it ALL out, but I want to figure out more stuff about God and life and all that.

Alright, I think I'm going to go do some research right now. Talk to you guys later! Thanks for caring, reading, and being there for me.