Life after midterms...

includes a presentation, a test, three essays, and a cold! HAHA! But actually it's not that bad. Things are pretty spread out, except hopefully my cold, hopefully that doesn't spread to anyone. Trying to keep warm and drink lots of water/Orange juice.

But the busyness isn't going to end till after April... Today is kind of my rest time after my Psychology of Emotions midterm, although I'm working on light-weight stuff for school events and organizing my work schedule calendar for my final exams. Tomorrow I have to do more hard-core work for other extra-curricular stuff, and also start on other homework...

As I lay me down to sleep...

French exam was ok today, but tomorrow and Sat. are the real harder ones. I haven't finished all the readings yet... still. I haven't been this behind for a midterm in years. I thought Reading Week would have been enough to catch up, but somehow I am just so involved with stuff, it is like a snowball effect.

I'm strangely not as stressed as before about school. More stressed about other things. But at the same time, I look forward to the summer, when I can get fit, play tennis (yeah, I bought that racquet but didn't get to play it yet), and work at a relaxing job (yes there is such a thing). I look forward to the event next Tuesday at UTSC (rm. AA 160) that is a documentary showing "The Imam and the Pastor", with an interreligious dialogue after... Hey all of you should come out! 6-8pm. I'm helping to organize :-)

And next week my Homosexuality and the Bible class is starting at church, and it's going to be the best awareness of Positive Space there ever was in my church!

Gotta go to sleep now! BYE!

The difference between kindness and being trod on

Some of my friends have told me that I am too nice, and that I would be taken advantage of. I think it's so true, and it's hard for me to figure out the balance between when I should give forgiveness and kindness vs. when I should stand my ground and refuse being taken advantage of because I am nice.

Just now I was talking to my dear friend and co-worker Selena about how I tend to attract freaky guys. There is one at UTSC who is always around the library, not that he is waiting for me or anything but he just is around. I used to be friends with him and he would take me out on walks to chat. And then one night I was under what I call a "trance". It happens sometimes when I am super stressed/sad/exhausted and then I become prone to do things I normally won't do, like for example, have a crush on people just on the basis of looks and say things I normally don't say.

So one night after Alpha I saw this guy and told him to come sit with me. I think I sat too close and was a bit too friendly. And he asked me to take a walk with him again, like old times, and we went behind the Management wing. I sat too close again and he asked me about my boyfriend. I told him about my boyfriend and he started asking me stuff like whether I could come to his apartment. I said no. He asked why. Anyway I ended up saying I have to go home now and he walked with me and somehow started slapping my butt. I yelled at him to stop and even tried to kick his butt, but he just laughed. He slapped my butt again and I swore that if he ever did it again I would call the police. I got really mad. When we got to the bus stop I don't know why but I wanted to give him a goodbye hug. He pushed me away and said "Don't fuckin touch me, I hate you!".

I told Selena the gist of this story and she said I should report it to the police. This guy could do it to other girls and who knows, because Bernardo used to go here and he went from a university student to rapist to killer. I need to report this dude to protect other girls. The problem is, I don't remember when this happened. I told Adrian about it the night it happened but I don't remember when...

Now that I recall this, I want to cry...

I've been sexually assaulted before this, too, on the bus. And also, when I was in gr. 3, on the playground.

GIRLS, statistics say that almost all girls have been sexually assaulted at least once. Don't stay silent about it. Report it when you can! And take a self-defense class, don't let anyone sweet-talk you into doing something or going somewhere you don't want! And remember, no matter what happened, it's NOT your fault. <3

Faith, Hope, and Health

Today we talked about the question of "what is faith?" at Alpha. Someone said that faith is believing in something that you cannot have proof for, and something that is different than science. Someone else said that faith is a feeling you have inside, a sort of power that you get from God. Another person said that if you put faith in something, it means you buy into it, your whole being will be buying into it. And people said it is harder to have faith when you haven't experienced anything that gives you any reason to believe in God. I think I pretty much agree with everyone, at least in most respects, about these thing about faith.

On the car ride home, I had a great talk with a good friend of mine. Through chatting and talking about faith to others I also receive hope and inspiration that I would never think of if I was just sitting by myself. I talked about my life, how it was characterized by suffering, with my mental health, physical health, relational issues (boyfriends and other stuff), and just stress in general... and my friend asked me how I stay devoted or how I find motivation to stay focused on God. I thought about it and really it came down to telling myself "It will ALL be worth it in the end", and also praying to God, "Make me more like You, let my heart be broken by what breaks yours, God" and also caring for others.

I do admit that sometimes I wonder whether I am suffering needlessly or whether I am doing anything that matters, but faith is also about trust. Trusting that life does have meaning and what we do does matter somehow.

Now about my health, I want to touch Jesus' cloak... http://www.pbc.org/files/messages/7562/4573.html

I realized that to be healed, at least I have to WANT to touch Jesus' cloak, so to speak. I have to want God to heal me. Right now I'm just apathetically bleeding, and I've seen doctors and all but it's not working. But do I care right now if God heals me? Not really, for some odd reason. I feel like it's just a part of my daily life, I've gotten so used to it, even though it makes me tired. Somehow I started wanting to be healed lately, but before I did not want to be healed cuz I didn't even pray for myself fervently about it. I don't have the faith that the woman has in the passage (you can read it in the link above)

"Anyway" by Martina McBride

**Please don't judge the song by her makeup... listen to the lyrics and I hope it encourages you! The messages in the video are so touching too!

Dew on a morning rose (poem)

A serene river trickling softly,
Laughter with the family,
Dew on a morning rose.
Seeing the sun rise over a lake,
Looking into the eyes of a boy I like,
A rainbow in the sky.

Sometimes life seems so fast-paced,
you don't even get time to breathe.
But when you go somewhere alone,
and do something peaceful, or relaxing
You realize that rushing and stressing
has made you into a worn-out angel.

We cannot sit on clouds and strum harps all day,
But once in a while amidst our busy missions to make this place
a beautiful and wonderful world
we gotta stop and rest, in order to enjoy
the beauty and wonder that God has already
put into the galaxy.

A river laughing softly,
A family with rose-coloured hearts,
Dew sparkling in the morning sun.
Seeing serenity in the eyes of a boy,
A broad rainbow diving in the lake,
And the sky high above, as I sit here and write...

How beautiful it is,
This life of mine.

----------

Hi guys and girls, how is everyone doing?

This week was a great week so far. I got 2 requests to update my blog, so here I am :-) I usually update my blog when I feel like it, but also my boyfriend is right that I should not leave you guys hanging for too long after some sad posts.

Last weekend was great because there were 3 holidays in one: Lunar New Year (aka Chinese New Year for those of us who are Chinese), Valentine's Day aka Singles Awareness Day or Purity Awareness Day, and Family Day (for those of us who live in Ontario, except that Family day should really be more than once a year in reality).

I am reminded of how thankful I should be for laughter in the family (during Family day we felt pretty united), the simplicity of a beautiful rose (thank you Adrian for the purple roses! I don't like red roses, so cliché), and the peaceful feeling of complete silence.

I focused on studying for once this reading week, after the celebration weekend, and it's also such a blessing to just study during reading week. The whole SCSU stuff got me stressed but I now have learned to enjoy more of life outside of SCSU, as much as I love this students' union.

A whole bunch of people said I should run for director or do something else to continue in the SCSU. I considered all my options and I don't think I will run for director. I am just tired and too behind in schoolwork. During the summer, my tentative plan is to take a break from SCSU and do things I would love to do that I never did before...

For example,

• volunteer with kids with special needs (I wanted to do that last summer but got too caught up in busyness and courses and work)
• start a Discovery Group for people interested in knowing more about Christianity but don't feel comfortable with church or Bible study (it will be very casual, no one expected to convert, have movie days, discussions over bubble tea or whatnot)
• go to Quebec for a week (volunteer with a Native Reserve there)
• finish designing the Christian Fellowship Handbook that was supposed to be published 3 years ago
• read more Christian books (bought like 100 books that I haven't read!)
• clean my room (looks more like a dump :S)
  
• write a short VCF handbook for future Varsity Christian Fellowship leaders
• hang out with friends (yeah I don't do enough of that)
• go to the beach and parks more (yeah I need more sunshine)
• go back to Workaholics Anonymous (except I don't mind not being anonymous about it)
• be a Get Started Coach (if I get the job)

My sister says that the 2nd last item on this list basically is contradictory to everything else on the list, cuz I'll be busy yet again this summer somehow. I find that funny. But I think I will keep myself in check this summer and commit to less hours for each thing that seemingly takes up more time.

I was looking at old photos and I saw an old me playing with my sister during the summer. My mom says I've always been such a productive person. When I was little I would organize a "summer activity camp" for my sister. I would organize and teach her things during the summer, invent workout routines, crafts, games, etc. all just for one single "camper", my sister. We would do all this in our living room.

In our old photos, my sister was the cute one, and I was the nerdy looking one. Haha. Oh well. Now she is the nerd and I am ... well... non-nerd. She gets a ton of scholarships though!

Anyway, I could tell you more except your eyes are probably tired by now. Hope you all find some rest this week, whether you have reading week or not. Have a great night and remember to spend time to breathe and enjoy life sometimes!

God bless,
from your friendly neighbourhood girl,
Martine Lee

P.S. I have curly hair now, and my sister says I look like a Chinese Taylor Swift! :D Makes me happy cuz I love her hair and music! Lots of people asked me if my hair is naturally curly. I take it as a compliment! I just needed a change and a new start after all the stress with SCSU the past few weeks. Plus my straight hair had SO much static every time I put on my hood and my scarf. Hope you all like my hair! (you'll see it soon enough...)

"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

the inner Martine

I wish I could write something inspiring to you right now, but I'm just feeling crappy this morning. It's one of those mornings where you wonder if anything you did was worth anything. Was it worth it to miss Emotion class last week? Was it worth it to sign up to help with Teens Conference when my relationship with God was also not steady? Was it worth it to rush everywhere the past few weeks but neglect morning prayer and Bible reading?

I always had the mottos "Keep God the centre and everything will come together" and "If you are too busy to pray about the things you are busy about, you are simply too busy". I think I basically failed at both this semester.

My values are founded upon God, and the things I do come from the values that God taught me. I also am very enthusiastic about serving in Christian fellowship/Alpha. So I'm not just faking stuff. I still pray, just on the go, like on the bus or very quick prayers before I go to sleep or as I am walking to school. Sometimes I pray longer when I am with others (just easier to stay concentrated) or other times when others are praying I find my mind drifted off to some other thing and I feel guilty after.

Yeah, I'm being very honest here, the transparent Martine. I was just reading 1 Corinthians 13 again, where it says,

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

Usually we read this as a reminder of what love is and how our love should be towards others. But yesterday I thought to another verse where it says that God is love. So if I changed all the words "love" to "God" in the above passage, you will get a different effect...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not GOD, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not GOD, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not GOD, I gain nothing.

GOD is patient, GOD is kind. GOD does not envy, GOD does not boast, GOD is not proud. GOD is not rude, GOD is not self-seeking, GOD is not easily angered, GOD keeps no record of wrongs. GOD does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. GOD always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

GOD never fails.
---
Lately I haven't prayed for my friends as much as I should. Family or Adrian either. I feel very sorry. I think that really it means nothing if I do all these things but don't put God first in my life. After all, He is the one who can REALLY make a difference. Not me. The difference I make is only by His power working through me. I am an instrument of His peace.

It's almost Chinese new year. In fact, it falls on Valentine's day this year with Family day coming right after. I really hope this Chinese new year will be better than the last. The last was torture, for reasons I wish I could forget.

Seems like the past follows me around. I try to forget about it but it is like a shadow, you cannot really get rid of it until nighttime when you are sleeping. I don't know if I told you, but I am actually becoming quite "famous" without me even wanting to. The Varsity is doing a great job of writing about the SCSU, and I'm going to be in the articles (yes, they interviewed me). I'm always at the library, and people usually ask me things about last week, even when I'm supposed to be working. I had to try and turn away questions today.

I know they all mean well, but usually it always happens the same way... People ask me how my campaign is going or say that they heard what happened. They ask why am I out of the elections or why I got disqualified. Then they have this really disappointed/sad/angry look on their face and say that it sucks or it's horrible. They may ask whether I tried to fight it or if they can do anything to help. I try to tell them it's over and that I'm moving on. They tell me, don't worry there's going to be something better for you or that God has a plan and it just wasn't his plan. They may ask me what I will do or if I would run again. I nod and smile and try to end the conversation.

This happens roughly 10-20 times a day.

Anyway, I just hope that I don't lose that smile. I just started to get nervous and anxious when one particular friend reacted in a way that was very upset-looking.

----

Dear God,

Today I was wondering if because I didn't put You first this semester, I didn't get a chance to finish running in the elections. Or if maybe you wanted me to finish reading the Bible before Sept. 2011 so that I could be ready for Bible seminary, and you knew that if I got going with VP S+E, I would as usual do Bible/prayer on the go.

These days I have been forgetting a lot of things. I just want to stop double booking myself with so many random things. I feel stressed... about this weekend. 3 things going on and I don't know how to schedule it.

Most of my prayers are worries aren't they? I hardly give any space for You to speak. I'm pretty much spiritually hard-of-hearing right now I think. It's just hard for me to know which voice is You now. I know, it's that bad cuz I haven't talked with You enough. When I settle down and wait for Your answer, I soon start worrying or sleeping or I hear absolutely nothing or I hear my family downstairs having such a wonderful conversation without me which is what usually happens.

Mike said that it's too bad I couldn't run for VP S+E because I "would have turned the whole school around". That's really nice of him. I'm sorry I failed. And I know my friends are gonna say I didn't fail and all that but I just think I did because of what I was trying to say at the beginning of this post.

Right now my brain is hurting... Another shower of tears this morning because of some other stupid issue and I'm gonna go to see Juan soon to talk about all this crap... hopefully she'll be able to help me. Anyway... my brain is gonna start talking random stuff if I don't stop now so I will just say GOD PLEASE REDEEM ME!

I thank You in Jesus name, Amen.
---------------

Sorry for my messed-up-ness, friends!

I hope you're happy (angry post, do not read if you're happy)

Last week's events are still affecting me today. Not so much the disqualification, although that made me confused about what opportunity to take next. It was the other thing. I am still crying today because some of the people closest to me are on the no side, and also when I walk around in the UTSC halls, I still see that guy's friends and what my dad and boyfriend said makes me paranoid about whether they are gonna come kill/hurt/threaten me, and just now my mom made me cry cuz she said I wasn't forgiving enough towards this guy and what would Jesus do.

Dammit, Jesus didn't just tell us to turn the other cheek. You have to be careful how you interpret Scripture. I am not a doormat. I can be soft but I can still be strong. Didn't you ever hear Jesus argue and tell off the Pharisees when they were doing something wrong? You have to find the balance and know when to do what.

It's true that sin doesn't just affect yourself, it affects everyone. And I am a perfect example of that. I am not going to go into detail but basically I did something wrong, and my period went crazy and I had my period like 2 or 3 times a month. And then because of that I made my mom worried and I couldn't go dance/swimming, and because of lack of exercise I am more tired and more prone to get annoyed at people.

Anyways I am super behind in school, feel like the world is still on my shoulders no matter how much I try to get rid of it.

Is there anyone willing to tutor a grade 10 boy with autism who lives near McCowan and Finch and requires a 15 minute walk from the bus stop? I need someone who can commit for 4 months at the very least. And you need to know English essay writing.

Dear God...

Dear God,

How are you? I know, I almost never ask that question to You, not sure why. I guess I wouldn't really understand how you feel anyway, with me being human and you being God. And being all-knowing you probably have tons of things on your mind, with all this craziness going on in the world. I wonder if you ever get stressed. Well I know sometimes you feel sad, angry, pleased... but I guess I don't know if you ever get stressed.

However I trust you understand the nature of stress... and with the past few days I have been very stressed. Parts of my body would twitch or shake randomly, and my back/neck would hurt once in a while. People could hear it in my voice sometimes and people could also see it in my face. I feel a whole lot better now after a good night's sleep and Mary's message... and of course, Adrian's sushi meal and my stomachache going away.

After this stressful week, I am ready to focus on new things. I hope to help out and perform at the "Because I am a Girl" talent show at UTSC, which as you know is fundraising for disadvantaged girls around the world. I also am looking forward to catching up on my homework, helping Mary, and getting my butt back into the gym (I missed so many belly dance classes...) And hopefully beating Adrian with the number of hours I work out :D

I also need to calm down now and spend more time praying to you. When I'm stressed usually I think way too much and cannot focus on praying. But reading the Bible definitely always helps so I should not give up on that.

Thanks for everything, and although I'm tired I am not tired of serving You, God... thanks again for being there.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Tears do not make me weak

I cried because I was passionate about what I believed in.
I cried because I cared most about the people who deserved to know the truth.
I cried because I believed no one could change me unless I let them.
I cried because sheep were without a shepherd, and they were blindly led by someone whom God also cares about.
I cried because I am a friend to someone who isn't a friend back.
I cried because I wanted to let it all out.

It's who I am. I am a sensitive person. But if crying makes a person weak, then you are calling Jesus a weakling. You are calling Mother Teresa a weakling. That is not true.

Crying just shows you really cared about something, and you felt hurt that you couldn't achieve it or someone prevented you from achieving it. Or it may show how conflicted you are inside, how you care for someone as a friend but you also need to do your job. How you feel like you let people down or that righteousness is being trampled on.

You know what? Doing the wrong thing is easy. True heroes do not use loopholes or lies to try to accomplish goals. Because the harder thing is to be good. And because it is harder, and because it is overall better for the human race to be good, we should all make an effort. In the end, you are a soul, and I am one too. We share this earth, why not do the right thing for the greater good?

Troubles may make you either a better or worse person. You choose. The hardest thing for a leader is to accept failure. I had to accept it yesterday. But it's not about reputation or about popularity. It's about doing the right thing, and the best leader will even stop being a leader just to accomplish that.

Zuhair, I still care about you, and no matter what you think, I'll always be your friend. I am just trying to do the right thing. I separate friendship and professionalism, and you know that because I chatted with you at Tim Hortons and said that I would pray for your well-being. And I did pray and will continue to pray for you. You can still make a big difference, just have to seek the right path to do it.

You are never a failure, always a winner.

After my official disqualification today (the policy was clear and although I had no idea my friend was not a student, there is no way to solve this problem), I felt very upset and distraught. As you might have read from my last two blog posts, I am someone who was taught to finish the race, no matter if you are last or first. Perseverance is the key, my cross-country coach taught me.

I've never had a race where I got "DNF" (did not finish). I always thought it was bad not to finish unless you got an injury in the middle of the race. So I guess that's why it hit me so hard when I could not finish this race. And like I mentioned earlier, I thought for some reason it was God's will for me to run, and I interpreted this belief into "I was meant to win". But you know what, I think it WAS God's will for me to run, and although I did not finish or win, there is so much more to be learned.

True leadership requires some kind of suffering. I just didn't know it would be like this... it's not the fact that I could not get the position that I was sad (don't worry I'm fine now... but it's on and off), but other factors. Today tested my definition of faith. I learned that faith isn't praying and then getting what you want by believing that you can get it. It all depends on what God wants, not what you want.

And as I was reflecting on the subway, I realized that Students and Equity WAS what I was meant for. But not for a year... for my whole life. My whole life would be dedicated to what is in my platform... Environmentalism, Positive Space, Humanitarian work, inter-religious dialogue, International students... all these can be accomplished in a lifetime of work and passion.

And as for the students emphasis, I guess this is the confirmation of what kind of pastor I should be... a youth pastor.

I must thank Hamza for confirming the fact that losing something could mean giving you a bigger perspective for what you can do in life. And also Melissa Goddard, who tells me that I am still a winner to her. For all the people who came to me and said that they would've voted for me if they had the chance, I thank you. Maryann Raby, Maria, Zahra, Chanile, and Sara B., I also really thank you that I have such great people in my life to support me when I'm down.

Peter, May, and Walter, you'll always be my good friends. Henry Wong, Daniel Greanya, Kevin, Moh, and Reza H., you guys have been my inspiration to be in the SCSU, because you guys worked so hard to do the right thing.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to carry on next year in the SCSU. If you readers have any ideas, please let me know. I cannot be VP associate unless I get OSAP as a fulltime student, so I think that will be out of the question. I will only have 5 courses left to take and I can spread them out for a full year and work part-time both in the library and in the SCSU in a smaller job (e.g. charity chair) or I can also run for Part-time director and possibly get the Chair position of the Board. Not sure...

There are other possibilities also, but strangely enough, I still feel like my work in the SCSU is not done. I could go abroad and travel, or I could just be an outside student that makes a difference, but for some reason, I just love the SCSU, and most of all, the people in it and in UTSC in general.

I was supposed to attend a joint event earlier this evening with SCOUT and VCF, but I just felt too sad to go. Whenever I thought of my campaign, I always thought about Positive Space first. And so I just didn't want to go in there with a sad face and ruin the atmosphere for my LGBTQ friends. I heard they had a great time. And I hope they know I never wanted to let them down.

I instead went to the Leadership Circle event where the Presidential candidates shared views on leadership style. One question was "How do you want to be remembered?" and Mary said the person who never hesitated to put up her hand, the person who gave you a smile in the hallway, and the person who gave hugs and high fives. I really like that about her. And Imran said, it doesn't matter what positions you held, but your character that counts.

When I look at Aisha and John, I also think about how leadership is about overcoming obstacles, and how you have to try and bring about positive change even though it's hard. So as a non-candidate now, I'm gonna go out there and tell people about the Presidential referendum and give them a TRUE and accurate view of Zuhair. And yes, the policy states that directors are allowed to talk about the referendum.

This has been a long blog post, but I guess I just had to write it all out to bring this rough day to a close. I'm gonna do well in school, be the best SCOE chair ever, and be the best friend ever to everyone I meet. I'll always be for students and equity, deep inside me, and whoever wins the position I at first ran for, I wish them all the best and will give them all my ideas and connections if they want.

Thanks again for all your support. Love you all.

Dear God...

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I'll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

[chorus]
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

Am I really disqualified?

This is really testing my faith. Or at least, testing what I thought was God's will. I was so sure, before the campaign, that I would win the election and that it would be where I am supposed to be: VP Students and equity for SCSU. When the campaigning started, I looked around at the posters just like the apostle Peter looked around at the waves around him as we was walking on the water towards Jesus. And I felt like "sinking", in a way, because I saw how great some other candidates were, and I looked at my schedule and saw hardly any time to campaign, due to my health problems (had to do lots of checkups the past two weeks), and due to my dedication to friends who needed me, and due to my schoolwork.

I am still behind in schoolwork, and I was gonna catch up on campaigning today with emailing clubs and photocopying flyers, but then I looked into my inbox and saw the worst thing a candidate could ever see. "You are officially disqualified".

It was apparently because there was a name on my nomination sheet that was wrong. And I cannot go through an Appeals process. I thought that since I knew all 25 people personally, I would be fine to not get extra names, with the crazy schedule that I had.

But maybe I was wrong. The CRO says I can try to argue but it is really my fault. And this happened at just the worst time because I already put all my posters up, all my banners, prepared a flyer template, prepared a club email template, etc. And tomorrow is the forum.

I wish Maryann or Imran was here so that I could talk to them. Or Muneeba, or someone. Honestly...

I would have been okay, I think, if I had the chance to at least finish running in the elections and let Zahra or Maria win. But being disqualified... I just feel so dumb and I feel like I disappointed the people who wanted to support me. If I could find out which name was disqualified, and somehow get back on track before tomorrow's forum, it would be really good. But from his email it seems like there is no way to argue it back.

Just yesterday I felt like life wasn't fair. If I didn't have so many health issues, I would have had more time to dedicate to the campaign. Also, people don't take into account all the SCSU stuff and club stuff I am involved with, and how it can lessen the time for campaigning. But I guess I need to think of what my backup plan is now.

I had a few backup plans for if I lost the election, but I don't have a backup plan for being disqualified. I hate being unprepared.