God, though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
Psalm 71:20-21
-------------------
Last Monday night Josh B called me up really late in the night and to make a long story short, so many things have happened in his life that he wanted to kill himself at that moment when he called me. I didn't know what else to do but to call 911 because he sounded so convinced and I felt like I couldn't convince him to keep fighting and live on.
But thank God, Josh felt better after he went to the hospital and after me and Agnes met up with him. Today when I accompanied him to the psychiatrist he seemed to have become more positive. And I think everything happens for a reason... and him seeing the psychiatrist was good for him because we got good news. He doesn't have clinical depression but the psychiatrist suggested remedies for his constant headaches which lead to his depression. (He got these headaches ever since our car accident last Dec.)
And the psychiatrist had experience with people in car accidents so he told us that usually these headaches will go away with time. That was good to hear.
It's always important to have something to look forward to in life. It's important to think of all the friends and family who love you, and have a reason for living. Last Sunday I preached at Charis Evangelical Free Church, to the youth, and my message was "You only live once, so live for God". I truly believe that when we focus on something beyond ourselves and beyond this earth, that's when we actually have a reason to live.
If we only focused on things of this earth, like my friend Bryan who committed suicide, then there is no real reason to live, because eventually all of us will die and we can't take things of this earth with us if there is no afterlife. But if we focus on eternity and what will matter in the long run, then we have hope in God that what we do now on earth can matter and can last.
Now, Josh tells me that he has faith that he can succeed and not let the setbacks get him down. I feel happy for him. :)
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
My life mission statement
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only
aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given
me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Acts 20:24
Acts 20:24
Finding closure
This month I found out two of my friends, Bryan Tai and Ade Adegbite, both from UTSC, passed away. They were around my age. While I was talking to my counselor I realized that something that would help me bring closure would be to write a letter to each of them, as if they could read my letter. Maybe it could help me process my feelings and move on.
--
Dear Bryan,
You always seemed like a happy person to me. Whenever I saw you at UTSC, you were always smiling, friendly, and happy in general. I can't believe that you took your own life just this month. Your friends told me that you never saw the point in life. I wish that I could have talked to you after graduation, because I feel like maybe I could have done something to save you from taking your own life. I'm sorry that I lost touch with you after graduation and that I wasn't there for you. I hope you are at peace now but at the same time I wish that I could see your smiling face again. Life wasn't meant to be cut so short. If only I could have told you my reason for living, I don't know if I could have convinced you, but at least I would have known that I tried. You left a lot of hurting friends and family behind. I know you must have felt desperate, like there was no other way out. But anyway what is done is done and I just hope that you know we all love you and miss you dearly. I will always remember your friendship to me, even though we weren't very close.
Your friend, Martine
--
Dear Ade,
When Geissel told me you passed away, and that you went to be with the Lord two years ago, I was shocked. I remember being in French class with you and helping you with notetaking since you had epilepsy. I am proud of you for fighting it until the end. You did your best. And I remember you were part of VCF and we had some times of prayer together. Although we didn't keep in touch I still remember the last conversation I had with you. You said you were thinking of translation school. I didn't know that shortly after that you left us. It was only because Geissel saw it on facebook when she wanted to wish you happy birthday. I hope you know that we all will remember you fondly. You were a part of us, Ade. I am glad that right now you are in a place without pain.
Love, Martine
--
Dear Bryan,
You always seemed like a happy person to me. Whenever I saw you at UTSC, you were always smiling, friendly, and happy in general. I can't believe that you took your own life just this month. Your friends told me that you never saw the point in life. I wish that I could have talked to you after graduation, because I feel like maybe I could have done something to save you from taking your own life. I'm sorry that I lost touch with you after graduation and that I wasn't there for you. I hope you are at peace now but at the same time I wish that I could see your smiling face again. Life wasn't meant to be cut so short. If only I could have told you my reason for living, I don't know if I could have convinced you, but at least I would have known that I tried. You left a lot of hurting friends and family behind. I know you must have felt desperate, like there was no other way out. But anyway what is done is done and I just hope that you know we all love you and miss you dearly. I will always remember your friendship to me, even though we weren't very close.
Your friend, Martine
--
Dear Ade,
When Geissel told me you passed away, and that you went to be with the Lord two years ago, I was shocked. I remember being in French class with you and helping you with notetaking since you had epilepsy. I am proud of you for fighting it until the end. You did your best. And I remember you were part of VCF and we had some times of prayer together. Although we didn't keep in touch I still remember the last conversation I had with you. You said you were thinking of translation school. I didn't know that shortly after that you left us. It was only because Geissel saw it on facebook when she wanted to wish you happy birthday. I hope you know that we all will remember you fondly. You were a part of us, Ade. I am glad that right now you are in a place without pain.
Love, Martine
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Reflecting
On the bus ride home from Montreal I had a lot of time to think, pray, and read the Bible. I was thinking about me and Christos a lot. Where to start...
We are so different. A lot of times we disagree on topics and don't understand each other. We don't have too much in common. Even on religious topics we disagree. Today we were debating over text about what is love and about the Bible being the Word of God.
Why do I love him? I don't know, I just do.
If love had conditions, it would not be love at all. I once heard that you can't change a person, but you could live by example. To be honest there were many times when I wish I could change Christos. But if you really love someone you wouldn't try to change them.
The Bible says God is love. God would never force us to change, even though He wants us to for our own good. Love always wants the best for the other person. If you look at Jesus' life you will see that he really loved people. He didn't always try to make people happy but he always did what was best for the other person.
That brings me to the question, what do I think is the best thing for Christos right now? And not just for him but for all my friends? I really do believe that the best thing that ever happened to me was when I became a Christian and got close to God. I felt peace and joy as the Holy Spirit flooded me and changed my life. That's what I really want for all my friends. But just like God wouldn't force Himself on people, I will not force it on my friends.
Jesus accepts you as you are. But He loves you so much that He would want you NOT to stay as you are. Everybody who encounters Jesus is changed, for the better. In the same way, I really hope that everybody I meet, especially Christos, would be changed for the better as a result of meeting me. I am not saying I am Jesus but of course I want them to see the Jesus who is living in me.
My time with Christos has taught me things about myself. It has revealed weaknesses in me that I have to work on. I realize how much I want to make people happy, so much so that sometimes I allow that to rule over my life and I do things that don't make myself happy and most importantly, is against my beliefs. I realize how much I cannot make my own decisions, I always want others to make them for me, to give me advice and just tell me what to do. I realize that I really want approval and affirmation.
Christos' love for me was in certain ways a love that felt like God's love. He told me I was beautiful, just the way I am. He told me I was a princess, an angel. He said I was smart, cute, perfect. They say that women are won over by men's words. For me it's true. Christos was never mad at me, would always be ready to fight for me, and was patient whenever I was indecisive or going back and forth on my decisions. He cared about my well being and he was gentle with me. His smile lit up my world.
On one hand, Christos' love was a way to see what God's love was like. On the other hand, paradoxically, because of certain things that happened in the relationship, I started feeling farther and farther away from God.
Right now, it's OK, but I can't say I am totally happy with how things are between me and Christos. Deep down I desire a long term relationship still, someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with. I see my Christian friends getting engaged and married and I want that. I desire somebody who can grow with me and encourage me in my walk with Jesus.
Yet something about Christos makes me so happy. In the back of my mind I know he is not the best for me and I debate with myself asking myself if I really trust God wouldn't I believe that He would give me the best? And then I remember my talks with Thuy and I also know that you can learn something from every relationship and just because you get married doesn't mean you won't have problems. Am I settling for less because it makes me happy in some way? or am I staying in this relationship to try to change him? I keep thinking to myself if I am being selfish by being in this relationship. What defines being selfish in a relationship? I don't even know. I'm still thinking about it.
OK, if God is love and God is not selfish, let's think about God's relationship with us. He sacrificed his son Jesus on the cross so that we could have a relationship with Him. Since sin separated us from Him, He made a way for us to be with Him through the cross paying for the punishment of our sins, so that we can be forgiven. So love has to do with sacrifice, and forgiveness. It has to do with wanting to have a relationship despite the other person wronging you.
Let's think about it in a different way. Would I be selfish if I left Christos right now? I think it would be. Because if I left him it would be thinking that I can find someone better. That would be selfish, because I am looking out for my own wants.
We had said that we would love each other and have the relationship until I go to Montreal or if I find someone more suitable. I think it's really honorable of Christos to say that because he wants the best for me. That shows that he really loves me, because he is willing to give me up if I found someone more suitable. But what about my part? If he found someone more suitable for him would I give him up? You know what, actually I would.
Somebody told me that the longer I stay with Christos, the longer God will delay me finding the right one for me. If that is true, then if I really love Christos I would give him up right now because then he can find the right one for himself faster. But the problem is I don't know if that's true.
Andrew also said that by being in this relationship I am hurting my future husband. Maybe I am but I don't even know who my future husband is. But it kind of scares me because if what Andrew said is true then I am being selfish because I am hurting both my future husband as well as Christos' future wife. See, who do I believe?
I found my own metaphor. If I wanted to marry someone and that guy got cancer or something and I knew he was going to die, would I stop loving him? I know it's going to be a short term relationship because he is going to die soon. But it would be selfish to break up with him just because you know it's going to be short term. In fact, any relationship has the potential to be short term. We never know what day we are going to die. So why not love while you can?
Would it hurt my future husband if he knew that the previous guy I was with had cancer and died? I don't think so. So how is that different from me loving a guy that I had to leave for Montreal or whatever?
I think I found the answer... I found it on facebook.... it was a picture that said this:
"If you are to be happy and enjoy your relationships, you need to learn how to appreciate the differences and learn from the people in your life. If you don't focus on the right things, you'll end up allowing the little irritations to cause you to become resentful. Remember, nobody is perfect. If you're to grow, you have to be willing to overlook some things. Our assignment is not to fix people. Our assignment is to love people. Our assignment is to sharpen one another so we can move forward in the good plan God has prepared for us."
Enough thinking for one night. I'm probably going to always think about this though.
We are so different. A lot of times we disagree on topics and don't understand each other. We don't have too much in common. Even on religious topics we disagree. Today we were debating over text about what is love and about the Bible being the Word of God.
Why do I love him? I don't know, I just do.
If love had conditions, it would not be love at all. I once heard that you can't change a person, but you could live by example. To be honest there were many times when I wish I could change Christos. But if you really love someone you wouldn't try to change them.
The Bible says God is love. God would never force us to change, even though He wants us to for our own good. Love always wants the best for the other person. If you look at Jesus' life you will see that he really loved people. He didn't always try to make people happy but he always did what was best for the other person.
That brings me to the question, what do I think is the best thing for Christos right now? And not just for him but for all my friends? I really do believe that the best thing that ever happened to me was when I became a Christian and got close to God. I felt peace and joy as the Holy Spirit flooded me and changed my life. That's what I really want for all my friends. But just like God wouldn't force Himself on people, I will not force it on my friends.
Jesus accepts you as you are. But He loves you so much that He would want you NOT to stay as you are. Everybody who encounters Jesus is changed, for the better. In the same way, I really hope that everybody I meet, especially Christos, would be changed for the better as a result of meeting me. I am not saying I am Jesus but of course I want them to see the Jesus who is living in me.
My time with Christos has taught me things about myself. It has revealed weaknesses in me that I have to work on. I realize how much I want to make people happy, so much so that sometimes I allow that to rule over my life and I do things that don't make myself happy and most importantly, is against my beliefs. I realize how much I cannot make my own decisions, I always want others to make them for me, to give me advice and just tell me what to do. I realize that I really want approval and affirmation.
Christos' love for me was in certain ways a love that felt like God's love. He told me I was beautiful, just the way I am. He told me I was a princess, an angel. He said I was smart, cute, perfect. They say that women are won over by men's words. For me it's true. Christos was never mad at me, would always be ready to fight for me, and was patient whenever I was indecisive or going back and forth on my decisions. He cared about my well being and he was gentle with me. His smile lit up my world.
On one hand, Christos' love was a way to see what God's love was like. On the other hand, paradoxically, because of certain things that happened in the relationship, I started feeling farther and farther away from God.
Right now, it's OK, but I can't say I am totally happy with how things are between me and Christos. Deep down I desire a long term relationship still, someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with. I see my Christian friends getting engaged and married and I want that. I desire somebody who can grow with me and encourage me in my walk with Jesus.
Yet something about Christos makes me so happy. In the back of my mind I know he is not the best for me and I debate with myself asking myself if I really trust God wouldn't I believe that He would give me the best? And then I remember my talks with Thuy and I also know that you can learn something from every relationship and just because you get married doesn't mean you won't have problems. Am I settling for less because it makes me happy in some way? or am I staying in this relationship to try to change him? I keep thinking to myself if I am being selfish by being in this relationship. What defines being selfish in a relationship? I don't even know. I'm still thinking about it.
OK, if God is love and God is not selfish, let's think about God's relationship with us. He sacrificed his son Jesus on the cross so that we could have a relationship with Him. Since sin separated us from Him, He made a way for us to be with Him through the cross paying for the punishment of our sins, so that we can be forgiven. So love has to do with sacrifice, and forgiveness. It has to do with wanting to have a relationship despite the other person wronging you.
Let's think about it in a different way. Would I be selfish if I left Christos right now? I think it would be. Because if I left him it would be thinking that I can find someone better. That would be selfish, because I am looking out for my own wants.
We had said that we would love each other and have the relationship until I go to Montreal or if I find someone more suitable. I think it's really honorable of Christos to say that because he wants the best for me. That shows that he really loves me, because he is willing to give me up if I found someone more suitable. But what about my part? If he found someone more suitable for him would I give him up? You know what, actually I would.
Somebody told me that the longer I stay with Christos, the longer God will delay me finding the right one for me. If that is true, then if I really love Christos I would give him up right now because then he can find the right one for himself faster. But the problem is I don't know if that's true.
Andrew also said that by being in this relationship I am hurting my future husband. Maybe I am but I don't even know who my future husband is. But it kind of scares me because if what Andrew said is true then I am being selfish because I am hurting both my future husband as well as Christos' future wife. See, who do I believe?
I found my own metaphor. If I wanted to marry someone and that guy got cancer or something and I knew he was going to die, would I stop loving him? I know it's going to be a short term relationship because he is going to die soon. But it would be selfish to break up with him just because you know it's going to be short term. In fact, any relationship has the potential to be short term. We never know what day we are going to die. So why not love while you can?
Would it hurt my future husband if he knew that the previous guy I was with had cancer and died? I don't think so. So how is that different from me loving a guy that I had to leave for Montreal or whatever?
I think I found the answer... I found it on facebook.... it was a picture that said this:
"If you are to be happy and enjoy your relationships, you need to learn how to appreciate the differences and learn from the people in your life. If you don't focus on the right things, you'll end up allowing the little irritations to cause you to become resentful. Remember, nobody is perfect. If you're to grow, you have to be willing to overlook some things. Our assignment is not to fix people. Our assignment is to love people. Our assignment is to sharpen one another so we can move forward in the good plan God has prepared for us."
Enough thinking for one night. I'm probably going to always think about this though.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Refreshing weekend in Montreal
I didn't tell that many people, but this weekend I'm in Montreal (Sat and Sun). Today there was a missionary gathering event and we ate, sang, chatted, and shared experiences. We sang a song that I sang a long time ago, that I would like to share with you. It's hard to describe how much God touches my heart, but He does, and I hope that He touches your heart too.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
life is good again :) hope it doesn't turn bad again next week :S
Hi friends, sorry I have been missing for a while on this blog. I have been doing well at least for the past few days. Before that (the weekend) I was kind of depressed and tired out but things are good now. Hopefully the sunny weather can keep me happy for longer.
I found this on my friends' facebook by the way:
I found this on my friends' facebook by the way:
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