Reflecting

On the bus ride home from Montreal I had a lot of time to think, pray, and read the Bible.  I was thinking about me and Christos a lot.  Where to start...

We are so different.  A lot of times we disagree on topics and don't understand each other.  We don't have too much in common.  Even on religious topics we disagree.  Today we were debating over text about what is love and about the Bible being the Word of God.

Why do I love him? I don't know, I just do.

If love had conditions, it would not be love at all.  I once heard that you can't change a person, but you could live by example.  To be honest there were many times when I wish I could change Christos.  But if you really love someone you wouldn't try to change them.

The Bible says God is love.  God would never force us to change, even though He wants us to for our own good.  Love always wants the best for the other person.  If you look at Jesus' life you will see that he really loved people.  He didn't always try to make people happy but he always did what was best for the other person.

That brings me to the question, what do I think is the best thing for Christos right now? And not just for him but for all my friends?  I really do believe that the best thing that ever happened to me was when I became a Christian and got close to God.  I felt peace and joy as the Holy Spirit flooded me and changed my life.  That's what I really want for all my friends.  But just like God wouldn't force Himself on people, I will not force it on my friends.

Jesus accepts you as you are.  But He loves you so much that He would want you NOT to stay as you are.  Everybody who encounters Jesus is changed, for the better.  In the same way, I really hope that everybody I meet, especially Christos, would be changed for the better as a result of meeting me.  I am not saying I am Jesus but of course I want them to see the Jesus who is living in me.

My time with Christos has taught me things about myself.  It has revealed weaknesses in me that I have to work on.  I realize how much I want to make people happy, so much so that sometimes I allow that to rule over my life and I do things that don't make myself happy and most importantly, is against my beliefs.  I realize how much I cannot make my own decisions, I always want others to make them for me, to give me advice and just tell me what to do.  I realize that I really want approval and affirmation.

Christos' love for me was in certain ways a love that felt like God's love.  He told me I was beautiful, just the way I am.  He told me I was a princess, an angel.  He said I was smart, cute, perfect.  They say that women are won over by men's words.  For me it's true.  Christos was never mad at me, would always be ready to fight for me, and was patient whenever I was indecisive or going back and forth on my decisions.  He cared about my well being and he was gentle with me.  His smile lit up my world.

On one hand, Christos' love was a way to see what God's love was like.  On the other hand, paradoxically, because of certain things that happened in the relationship, I started feeling farther and farther away from God.

Right now, it's OK, but I can't say I am totally happy with how things are between me and Christos.  Deep down I desire a long term relationship still, someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with.  I see my Christian friends getting engaged and married and I want that.  I desire somebody who can grow with me and encourage me in my walk with Jesus.

Yet something about Christos makes me so happy.  In the back of my mind I know he is not the best for me and I debate with myself asking myself if I really trust God wouldn't I believe that He would give me the best? And then I remember my talks with Thuy and I also know that you can learn something from every relationship and just because you get married doesn't mean you won't have problems.  Am I settling for less because it makes me happy in some way? or am I staying in this relationship to try to change him? I keep thinking to myself if I am being selfish by being in this relationship.  What defines being selfish in a relationship?  I don't even know. I'm still thinking about it.

OK, if God is love and God is not selfish, let's think about God's relationship with us.  He sacrificed his son Jesus on the cross so that we could have a relationship with Him.  Since sin separated us from Him, He made a way for us to be with Him through the cross paying for the punishment of our sins, so that we can be forgiven.  So love has to do with sacrifice, and forgiveness.  It has to do with wanting to have a relationship despite the other person wronging you.

Let's think about it in a different way.  Would I be selfish if I left Christos right now?  I think it would be.  Because if I left him it would be thinking that I can find someone better.  That would be selfish, because I am looking out for my own wants. 

We had said that we would love each other and have the relationship until I go to Montreal or if I find someone more suitable.  I think it's really honorable of Christos to say that because he wants the best for me.  That shows that he really loves me, because he is willing to give me up if I found someone more suitable.  But what about my part?  If he found someone more suitable for him would I give him up?  You know what, actually I would.

Somebody told me that the longer I stay with Christos, the longer God will delay me finding the right one for me.  If that is true, then if I really love Christos I would give him up right now because then he can find the right one for himself faster.  But the problem is I don't know if that's true.

Andrew also said that by being in this relationship I am hurting my future husband.  Maybe I am but I don't even know who my future husband is.  But it kind of scares me because if what Andrew said is true then I am being selfish because I am hurting both my future husband as well as Christos' future wife.  See, who do I believe?

I found my own metaphor.  If I wanted to marry someone and that guy got cancer or something and I knew he was going to die, would I stop loving him? I know it's going to be a short term relationship because he is going to die soon.  But it would be selfish to break up with him just because you know it's going to be short term.  In fact, any relationship has the potential to be short term.  We never know what day we are going to die.  So why not love while you can?

Would it hurt my future husband if he knew that the previous guy I was with had cancer and died?  I don't think so.  So how is that different from me loving a guy that I had to leave for Montreal or whatever?

I think I found the answer... I found it on facebook.... it was a picture that said this:

"If you are to be happy and enjoy your relationships, you need to learn how to appreciate the differences and learn from the people in your life. If you don't focus on the right things, you'll end up allowing the little irritations to cause you to become resentful.  Remember, nobody is perfect.  If you're to grow, you have to be willing to overlook some things. Our assignment is not to fix people. Our assignment is to love people. Our assignment is to sharpen one another so we can move forward in the good plan God has prepared for us."

Enough thinking for one night. I'm probably going to always think about this though.