A beautiful testimony...please watch! :)

A letter to Jeff

A few weeks back forgot exactly when, I had a dream that I was friends with Jeff again and it made me happy. When I woke up I realized I must have dreamed the dream because I really wish he and I stayed friends.  I never really got over that first breakup, in fact, it set me off on a chain of unfortunate events where I dated guys that were not right for me, trying to fill the hole that Jeff left in my heart.

Today I met up with a girl from Charis and even though she is gr. 12 she is so much more mature than me in terms of relationship issues.  She said maybe I should try talking to Jeff again.  So I wrote Jeff a letter and added him back as a friend on facebook.  He added me back but didnt reply even though I know he saw the letter (facebook tells you if he saw it).  Here is the letter, and also below is a song that reminds me of how I feel and what happened with me and Jeff... and also the motorcycle reminds me of Christos :)

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• Conversation démarrée aujourd’hui
• 

  15:07

  Martine Lee

  Dear Jeff,
  

  Hi, how are you? It has been a long time.

  First of all, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am not messaging you because I want to get back with you and date you. I know you have moved on with your life. I know you also had your reasons for not speaking with me for so many years. I do not hold it against you and even if you choose not to speak to me now, I don't mind.

  I am messaging you because I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and just have a friendly catchup chat. I just want to hear what you have been doing all these years. After all these years I still remember you and you still have a special place in my heart. I don't know if I ever got over it but I don't have any romantic feelings for you if that's what you're wondering. When I say I don't know if I ever got over it, I guess I mean I never really got over the fact that my parents got me to break up with you. I never really got over that, that painful feeling of losing a wonderful friendship.

  I guess what I really mean is I still wish we could be friends. I thought I was over it but just two weeks ago I had a dream where I dreamt that I was friends with you. We were smiling and talking again. That was pretty much the dream.

  I'm sorry for hurting you in the past. I hope you have forgiven me. If not I still ask for your forgiveness now. I know things will never ever be the same but if you don't mind, we can at least have one face to face chat.  I would be very happy.

  Thank you Jeff, for all that you taught me. I hope life goes well for you.

  Thanks for reading this,

  Your sister in Christ, Martine

  
  

  
  

Sigh of relief

Last night I was up making myself hyper, and when I got to lifegroup today I was really hyper, hypomanic.  It was alright except that Gloria had to prevent me from being too stupid because I was still in love with Christos and I was starting to get too close to him.  But anyways it's all good right now, him and I are good friends again, no bitterness, just smiles and laughs.  I was able to talk to him normally happily and it was as if nothing changed, except that we werent going out.  He told me to get over him because he wants us to be friends, and I said I will.  I hugged him for a long time... when no one was watching.  It felt good and I wanted to just keep hugging him forever but I knew that that wasn't smart.  By the end of the night my hyperness wore off and I think I can control myself around him now.  I am glad that he came to lifegroup and that he learned more about what we believe in.

Quick update

I'm feeling much better, no longer angry, apparently Gloria helped me to convince Christos that I didn't lie.  He and I are not texting anymore and I am not going to hang out with him unless its at church with the group.  I hope he comes today and I will be OK to see him.  I just came back from Julio's graduation and it went well, was happy to see him.  I am now working on Hebrew, I will be happy if I get a C- in this course because it is impossible to memorize everything, it is so much harder than Hebrew part 1 and it is definitely not my only priority in life so I cannot drop all my friends or church to study.  There are people in need and sometimes I have to think of others before myself because when I stand in heaven I know God won't care about my Hebrew mark, He will care that I tried my best and also took care of the people around me and did the church work which I also love.

More problems than good coming out of everything

I considered closing down my blog today.  I closed down my facebook already.  It's just that my life has become too open and people are starting to cause drama out of it.  Causing more harm than good.
The reason why I was so open in the first place is so that others could open up to me and see the real me.  And hopefully by seeing the real me they would not feel like they are alone and hopefully be inspired by the lessons in life that i learn.  But unfortunately this is not the result that I wanted.  I got more rumours spreading around and people looking down upon me or judging me.  (not everybody is doing that but somebody apparently is because Christos thinks I lied saying that he cheated on me when I never said that, I never even posted that on facebook anyways)  Anyways I'm annoyed and I am just praying that the truth comes out to everybody cuz it's just causing a big drama right now.

A prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for always welcoming me back into your arms.  I have often strayed away from you, trying to find my approval and satisfaction in guys.  It has always been my weakness. 

Another weakness is trying to help others so much that I sell myself short.  Lately I have been focusing on too many things and unfortunately you are not one of them.  I am sorry.  I feel like my mind has been everywhere but not on you.  And along with that, I have been losing touch with myself.

I feel that when I am most in touch with you God I am most in touch with myself.  I learn to love myself when I love you more.

A lot of times I get close to you when I am in a good mood and then when I'm in a bad or distracted mood I stray away from you.  I am sorry for my inconsistency Lord.

Right now I am unsure of many things in my life but I will rely on You to help me get back on track and refocus my life.  And I know You will lead me to the way everlasting.

Thanks for being there for me, even though I have failed you so many times.  Thanks for loving me.

I love you too God. Help me to love you more.

Yes, He is strong enough

Too many things on my mind

Things that are on my mind: (not in any particular order)

-moving out soon in August (things I need to get, things to ask Christina and Riley)
-Tyndale Student Council (amount of commitment needed, how am I going to manage everything)
-Christos (just remembering the times we spent together, missing him, but not that sad)
-Harold (yes, thinking about him again, how he fit the criteria of what I always wanted perfectly)
-Hebrew (how am I going to memorize all that grammar and vocabulary, how I'm falling behind)
-Chester Le (lots of meetings to attend to, how to effectively outreach)
-friends (people whom I haven't seen in a while, friends who need support, friends who need prayers)
-Charis church (had the job interview, not sure if I got the job, not sure what they think of me, because they sent me an email asking me what my views on homosexuality, dress code, and tattoos)

I asked for a confirmation and God gave it

Hey guys so I thought that God wanted me to move to Jane and Finch with Gloria but because she doesn't have the money and the logistics of taking care of her daughter Aaliyah.  Then my backup roommate was Selena because at least she has the money and showed interest in moving out too.  But it turns out she wants to go to school out of town.

My sister told me she was moving to her place in August (later found out she is just moving her stuff in August and actually start living there in Sept) but anyways because of all these stresses and changes I didn't know what to do anymore.  I had asked God for a confirmation whether I should move to Jane and Finch for sure but without Gloria I couldn't move there, it wouldn't be safe to live alone, and without Selena even if I didn't live at Jane and Finch, other places require me to live with strangers.

I don't know why I was so fragile but I started crying a lot and missed Christos because at least he would support me unlike my family who all said during the Fathers Day dinner that it was dangerous to go to Jane and Finch, and I was crying because I felt like I would be stuck at home with my parents while my sister moved on with her life and matured and became independent faster than I did.

So I texted Christina and it just so happened that she and her husband Riley were talking about renting out their extra room.  She said she would love for me to live with them. And it's only $350 a month! Although it is farther (Victoria Park and Eglinton) at least I am with people I trust and know, and it's cheap.  There is TTC too near their place.  I was really thankful, when I heard that, I stopped crying and just felt so relieved.  I knew that this was the sign from God I was looking for.

I will still go next Tuesday to Jane and Finch to ask about volunteer opportunities.  But I also still want to do Chester Le outreach because that is the focus area of our church.  And they still don't have an outreach director so right now I'll be the outreach contact until they find one.

I plan to move to Christina and Riley's place in early August, after my Hebrew exam.  That way, because August doesn't have school I can get used to living there before school starts again in Sept.

Suddenly sad

Maybe the hyper is wearing off (I guess you could consider me hyper for the past two weeks because I always slept late because I had too much energy and woke up early without feeling tired).  I'm starting to be sad, especially because I am starting to doubt the whole Jane and Finch thing.  Gloria doesn't really have the money to move out and Selena who was my backup roommate decided she wants to go out of town for schooling.

So here I am left alone with my sister moving out in early August and I will be stuck with my parents still not moving on like I wanted to.  Unless I move out on my own and then I would have to be with roommates that I don't even know.  Peggy offered to room with me but I don't like her habits so I can't.

I miss Christos, I wish I could tell him everything that is going on. I'm sure he would have supported me.  Tears come to my eyes as I write this.  Jen is moving on, she has a boyfriend now and he is a great man.  I know I should be happy and in a way I am, I know God wants me to mature and I will keep my promise to God to stay single until next year June 7th...

But I see my sister so happy with her boyfriend Nick and today I saw Angela (my cousin) with her boyfriend and they just seem so happy.  I know I can be happy without a man... just with the added stress of not knowing anymore where to live I think I feel trapped somehow I don't know how to explain.

I am thinking living near church like maybe Victoria Park and Sheppard and just focus on outreaching the Chester Le area.  Without a good roommate moving to Jane and Finch is not safe.  The Crips gang is in Chester Le too but Sheppard is far enough that I don't need to walk in Chester Le by myself at night.

I am thinking of Harold again but I am gonna try not to contact him.  If one day he likes me he will contact me.  I have to stop throwing myself at guys.

I also listened to a very depressing song by Christina Perri called "The Lonely".  It's a nice song but very depressing.  After that I think I just went downhill.

Job interview update

Hello dear friends, how are you doing? I'm doing good, great actually :)

I just went to the Youth Worker job interview with Charis Evangelical Free Church.  I think it went well but it was shorter than I thought.  But they asked me to tell them about myself (I actually used Mandarin to speak to them because they are a Mandarin church).  They asked me what do I feel is most important (e.g. Bible study, building relationships, games, sharing etc) and I said Bible study with sharing and building relationships.  The pastor (Rev. Wang) asked me what was my impression of their church and I said that they are really friendly, the boys are calm, and overall good impression.

They asked me also how well do I feel comfortable preaching.  I told them I was ok with preaching 3 times a month and that I took the preaching course and had experience preaching.  They also said that they are not strict like Grace Church where I can only take 1 vacation of 1 week only per year.  They said I can take more if I want and they treat me like a family if I get hired. I feel very comfortable with that.

They said they will get this through the Steering Committee before they make a final decision whether to hire me and how much they would pay.  They asked me what am I expecting in terms of salary and I just told them Grace church gave me $1200 a month.  But that they could make their own decision how much to pay me, it is up to them and no pressure.  They said they will consider that and pay me appropriately according to the amount of work I do.

Anyway I feel glad that the interview went alright. I hope my mandarin was not too bad.  I accidentally said week instead of month and they corrected me.  Haha.

quote from anime that my friend sent me

"It's okay to be weak! Everybody's weak. That's why we rely on others. We live by helping one another. We can say, we need one another. I've been able to survive because I have you and the others! I don't want to lose you! So, I'll help you. Let's survive together."

We are all misfits living in a world on fire... so keep on singing, keep on fighting!

Today I saw him, briefly.  He was picking up Gloria and William from the missions office and I was there. I kind of felt uncomfortable and didn't want to see him but I pulled myself together and told myself I was stronger than this.  I said Hi and said I had to leave the other way (which was true).  I am living a new life now, no more nonsense with guys, time to stand and walk with my head high and do what I really want.

I made a new blog for me and Gloria's faith adventures in Jane and Finch.  I wrote one blog post there already.  You guys are the first to know.  The website for that ministry blog is www.adventuresinfaith.tumblr.com and there you will read how I got felt God's calling to Jane and Finch.  We will update more as we go along our decision making process and when we start to serve there in September.

Thanks for reading and your continued support.  You mean the world to me my friends.  Love you all! God bless!

Really excited and happy

Dear God I am so happy and excited and determined right now.  This morning I woke up dead tired and felt like sleeping in the car on the way to church, and even felt like sleeping when I got to church.  But God I prayed to you for energy and you gave me that.  I feel so energized now. especially because everything went pretty well today.

The singing went well, the children's message went well, the team time was ok, the sermon was great, I didn't fall asleep.  The songs were good.  My missions sharing went alright, I didn't cry on stage, then I went to Mcdonalds and had a good conversation with Julio.

Then I went to Charis church and it was great, I had a good conversation with Han, Ashley, and Annie.  God really used my sharing and experiences to connect with them and they were listening to me with eyes wide open and lots of questions. :) God is good :) thank God!

Can't sleep (written at 4am)

I'm not crying I'm just thinking a lot and this is my hyper week (yes, bipolar, hypomanic, means I have lots of energy and can't sleep)...

I went to Christina's house and talked with her. I didn't want to leave but I had to go to church for kids fellowship.  Christina is so welcoming, she always makes lunch for me and talks to me in a way that makes me feel so comfortable.

Today we talked about what happened with Christos.  She was right all along.  He is not a Christian.  And she was right all along that I was idolizing relationship and needed to commit to not thinking about guys and not dating for one year.  So yeah I'm gonna do that.

I met her friend Julie and we talked about the Bible with her.  She was very interested.

it was only just a dream

now i know why i never dreamed about Christos (in my sleep kind of dream).  He dreamed of me many times as an angel with wings but i never did once dream of him.  Why? because the reality was just a dream.  I did dream of his friends and I dreamed of waiting for him but in every dream he never appeared. I guess I was waiting for nothing then.

Moving On and Moving In

I blocked a few ppl off my blog after I wrote last post. I just couldn't tell those details to everybody.  I blocked Christos and he texted me today disappointed that he couldn't read my blog. I didn't tell him the specific reason why but basically he would be upset that I told our intimate details to others.  But it's my blog and I can share to my close friends, I don't care, I want people to know the truth of what I did because it affected me and it was wrong in God's eyes.  The Bible says, confess your sins and you will be healed. And I do feel healed right now.

Last night God prevented my popular music youtube links to work.  He only allowed the Christian music videos links to work so I finally listened to more Christian music and felt God talking to me through them.  "arms wide open" by Misty Edwards once again spoke to me, telling me to go back to Jesus for love and focus on Him.

I feel like I should wait around for Harold.  He is actually the perfect guy for me.  He doesn't like me now and Gloria says it's probably because I was so open about my many broken relationships and he was afraid to get into my drama and because I was confused about my feelings.

Anyway onto better things.  I am going to be moving to Jane and Finch (yes the projects, the ghettos) with Gloria and her daughter in September. I had felt God's calling to Jane and Finch months ago but I doubted and I just felt a confirmation as I was talking to Gloria last night.  We are going to do MoveIn ministry and reach out to people with Christ's love and message.  We will rent an apartment and are going to fundraise and look for partners to help us.

I feel that this is the right way to go because I still have at least 2 years in Toronto and I want to learn how to do ministry in the projects before I go to Montreal.  Then I can start a MoveIn ministry in Montreal once I gain more experience. Reaching out to the poor and the marginalized is what Jesus would have done and I want to make a difference in these kinds of communities.

Things should be OK financially because me and Gloria will be fundraising, being ghetto, and I will possibly be working 2 jobs if everything works out with my job interviews.  I will be crazy busy and probably have less sleep, less time on facebook, and more time being out there, but missions excites me and I know it's what I was born to do.  I love it, even just thinking about all this makes me excited.  :) Please pray for us.

God knew I wasn't strong enough

Christos broke up with me today.  Said he fell out of love with me and he didn't know why.  Also listed other reasons why we were not right for each other.  In any case, I knew it was coming.  I had a feeling because he didn't meet up with me last sat when he met up with Gloria, I had a feeling because he didn't tell me he loved me for several days, because before he would tell me every day... he asked me when my exam was and I felt like he was waiting until after the exam to break up with me... I had doubts...

And last night when I prayed to God, I said to God "God if you don't want him to be with me then let him break up with me, because you know I'm not strong enough to break up with him and stay broken up with him" And God replied, in the stillness of my heart, "He is going to break up with you" And I felt that it was God saying it and not me.  But I didn't want to believe it.  I told myself it was my imagination.

And lo and behold, today after my exam I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow because he said he would meet up with me.  And then he texts me this long thing telling me he is breaking up with me and the reasons not.  What I mean by reasons not is that he is not breaking up with me because he fell in love with another girl or anything that I did.

I cried.  I really cried and I called Gloria right away.  I told her I wanted to meet at Mcdonalds to talk.  And when I was at Mcdonalds I thought I saw Ying at first but that was just my imagination.  Anyways we ended up busing to Markham station restaurant and I had half a beer, and two screwdrivers and ate a hamburger.  Drinking alcohol felt good for some reason, I didn't get drunk so don't worry.

It was easier to bear because God had told me beforehand that it was going to happen.  And I know it's for the best.  But for sure I have never loved a guy as much as I loved Christos.  I mean after all that he did, having sex with the other girl in Greece, I still forgave him, and his personality was so different but I still loved him, and him getting me to do oral sex, yes I am ashamed of that, and I confess it publicly here that it was wrong, I still forgave him and wanted to be with him.  My love was without logic and in some strange way I understood more of what God's love was like for me because God's love was also without logic, I am so different from God and was unfaithful to Him but God still loves me.  But anyway I regret many things and I repented of these things but still I wonder what my real future husband would think, I sure hope he is a forgiving guy and I told God that and God said that yes he is very forgiving.

I don't regret dating him, I just regret the sexual things I did because I know it was wrong, but I know also God forgave me. I know I shouldn't take advantage of God's forgiveness and my future husband's forgiveness though.

I think back to Harold and I wish that things were different because he seemed just right for me.  I don't know if one day he will fall in love with me but whatever, things are too messed up right now I know I am just thinking of him for a quick fix.

I am actually feeling fine right now, I stopped crying and I know I will miss Christos but things will be OK.  He still wants to be friends and I will need some time before I can fully do that, especially if he has sex with a girl soon after like he did in Greece.

Gloria had said that Christos was like a test.  I had wanted to stay single the whole year and focus on God, and I had all these specific criteria for a future husband and Christos was basically none of them except for caring and generous.  And I fell for him.  Anyways I am OK really and I know I can be strong.