God knew I wasn't strong enough

Christos broke up with me today.  Said he fell out of love with me and he didn't know why.  Also listed other reasons why we were not right for each other.  In any case, I knew it was coming.  I had a feeling because he didn't meet up with me last sat when he met up with Gloria, I had a feeling because he didn't tell me he loved me for several days, because before he would tell me every day... he asked me when my exam was and I felt like he was waiting until after the exam to break up with me... I had doubts...

And last night when I prayed to God, I said to God "God if you don't want him to be with me then let him break up with me, because you know I'm not strong enough to break up with him and stay broken up with him" And God replied, in the stillness of my heart, "He is going to break up with you" And I felt that it was God saying it and not me.  But I didn't want to believe it.  I told myself it was my imagination.

And lo and behold, today after my exam I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow because he said he would meet up with me.  And then he texts me this long thing telling me he is breaking up with me and the reasons not.  What I mean by reasons not is that he is not breaking up with me because he fell in love with another girl or anything that I did.

I cried.  I really cried and I called Gloria right away.  I told her I wanted to meet at Mcdonalds to talk.  And when I was at Mcdonalds I thought I saw Ying at first but that was just my imagination.  Anyways we ended up busing to Markham station restaurant and I had half a beer, and two screwdrivers and ate a hamburger.  Drinking alcohol felt good for some reason, I didn't get drunk so don't worry.

It was easier to bear because God had told me beforehand that it was going to happen.  And I know it's for the best.  But for sure I have never loved a guy as much as I loved Christos.  I mean after all that he did, having sex with the other girl in Greece, I still forgave him, and his personality was so different but I still loved him, and him getting me to do oral sex, yes I am ashamed of that, and I confess it publicly here that it was wrong, I still forgave him and wanted to be with him.  My love was without logic and in some strange way I understood more of what God's love was like for me because God's love was also without logic, I am so different from God and was unfaithful to Him but God still loves me.  But anyway I regret many things and I repented of these things but still I wonder what my real future husband would think, I sure hope he is a forgiving guy and I told God that and God said that yes he is very forgiving.

I don't regret dating him, I just regret the sexual things I did because I know it was wrong, but I know also God forgave me. I know I shouldn't take advantage of God's forgiveness and my future husband's forgiveness though.

I think back to Harold and I wish that things were different because he seemed just right for me.  I don't know if one day he will fall in love with me but whatever, things are too messed up right now I know I am just thinking of him for a quick fix.

I am actually feeling fine right now, I stopped crying and I know I will miss Christos but things will be OK.  He still wants to be friends and I will need some time before I can fully do that, especially if he has sex with a girl soon after like he did in Greece.

Gloria had said that Christos was like a test.  I had wanted to stay single the whole year and focus on God, and I had all these specific criteria for a future husband and Christos was basically none of them except for caring and generous.  And I fell for him.  Anyways I am OK really and I know I can be strong.