Hello again.

I've been avoiding my blog for a bit, and to be honest, it was because I was scared. I was scared that I would be judged, that I would be misinterpreted... I was scared because of what happened in the past... Fear is a weird thing. It can take hold of you and bring you down even when there is nothing you should be fearing. Well, most of all, I was scared to be seen as weak, or even, to be weak.

I always had the mindset that it was okay to be weak, because when you are weak, that's when you're strong. In the Bible that is what it says. Because Jesus submitted himself to the cross, and in the end, he was victorious over death. Of course, we should not be misinterpreting things and saying ok so now I can be weak all I want, even when I have the strength, I will prefer to be weak... no. But when really I have no strength, I tell myself, it's okay to be weak cuz God has me in His strong arms, I will be stronger with Him. And stronger with others' help.

However, I was still scared to be weak because I felt like people were looking down on me instead of helping me up. Maybe it was just psychological, cuz I know there are a lot of people who care for me. But another thing is, it's human tendency to want to be strong. I wanted to prove that I was okay, that I was capable of doing my work, that I was not emotionally weak or crazy. Well, I guess I was neither of those things. But I'm glad there are still people who accept me for who I am, and are willing to walk with me till I'm strong again.

I went to Juan yesterday for counselling and cried stuff out. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You know I've been jumping from guy to guy emotionally or relationally since grade 8 or so. I might as well stop and try and figure out who Martine Lee is first. Finding myself, that's what they call it. The movie trailer "eat.pray.love" shows how it's important to figure out what you believe and who you are before you go into a romantic relationship.... well, sometimes a relationship can help you with that, but still, you gotta be able to figure out on your own, without a partner.

I think for me I thought that I found myself but I actually didn't. There is still a lot beneath the surface that is crazily mixed up. For starters, I don't think I know what true romantic love is. I don't know what ...

I can't write anymore. My mom made me cry... Too many questions, no understanding, and no joy. No lasting peace. no no no