Forgetting

I was thinking about what is the best way to recover from a breakup. There really is no method to it but some things are supposed to help. I don't think I did any of those helpful things. For example, you're supposed to slowly put away the things that remind you of the person. Bit by bit, you are supposed to learn to let go.

Instead, I immersed myself in work and denied everything, thought I was okay, tried to help others instead of myself. Everything was forcefully put away for me, so when I couldn't handle it I started digging it up again, bit by bit. I was doing it the backwards way. I have to dig up everything related and then slowly put them away.

I kept on wanting to buy a dragonfly necklace. I gotta let that go. Today I ate sushi. Gotta let that memory go. I had no time to cry. Now I'm gonna let myself cry. Chores, visiting grandma, doing random crap and work, gave me to time to grieve. And yes, grief is losing someone you love, not necessarily to death.

I had nowhere to express my feelings, now they are all coming out. I was in shock at first, that's why. And shock turns into denial. And I was also trying to transfer my feelings to others, not good at all. You don't know how many guys I started crushing on cuz I was trying to give love that was reserved for the person I lost. The hole was so big. I do realize I shouldnt find another person right now, I need rather to find myself.

I was trying to be happy and forget about everything but I was doing it in a wrong way. I didn't let myself remember. You have to remember first in order to forget.

Family life is tough too. I'm thankful I can even write on this right now.