Broke up... but not officially? I don't know...

Last night I broke up with Chris.  At least I thought I did.   What I mean is, I wrote him a really long letter to break up, but I'm not sure if he even read it yet.  In my mind, we are broken up but he might still think there is a chance to change my mind when he comes back to Toronto and wants to meet up.

This past week I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to break up with him.  Monday and Tuesday I felt I should give him another chance and date him and help him grow, see if he can "catch up" to me spiritually, but later on in the week I was reminded that this would be expecting too much out of him and it would put pressure on him as well as make me not satisfied with his "slowness" of learning to grow closer to God.

All in all, I am better matched with someone who is already devoted to God, as I am a pastor and need someone to connect with spiritually.  I was never able to connect with Chris spiritually much.  Amazingly though when I said I wanted to break up he actually prayed out loud for the first time.

I still have feelings for him and want him back in my life in the future.  But for now, I felt that his spiritual health and God's will was more important than my selfish desires to keep this relationship.  Chris would grow better on his own without me in the mix, as I should not be his motivator but God should be.

I'm not even sad right now, I feel pretty happy and peaceful actually.  I'm just very concerned about Chris.  He sent me a message at 4am saying he didn't read my email but that he thought Satan got to me.  He seems to think Satan wants us to break up whereas I think God wants us to break up.

Guido his best friend said he was very down yesterday afternoon.  I thought that meant that he read the email but apparently not unless he was drunk at 4am.  I am also concerned how much Guido was able to support Chris because Guido drinks a lot.

I still care about Chris and if I were to see him it would be hard to hold back from holding on to him or hugging him tightly.  But I need to stand firm on my decision because that is what will be for the best.  After all, I am happy being single right now, even seeing a lot of couples at church doesn't phase me anymore.

Karl says he hopes Chris won't turn away from Christianity because of the breakup.  I pray that God will keep him steadfast and on his journey of faith .  I know it will take a lot of time and space to heal Chris's heart especially because I was his first real girlfriend and according to him, the only girl he ever loved and saw a future with.

I doubted enough in the past.  This time I'm sure I made the right decision.  God showed me way too many signs.  I'll explain it all to Chris when I see him I guess.