Who am I?

The past few days I've been going through a rough time. No one is perfect, and we all go through rough times but I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore or what I was doing in life. I didn't know WHAT I wanted to do anymore, especially what to do in December (if I should get a seasonal job or spend time just studying, or spending time alone with God for days, or what!) I wasn't sure if I was smart anymore, if I was kind anymore, if I had any identity apart from my jobs or volunteer work.

Cuz Jeremy asked me a question at our Spiritual Direction session. He asked, "How does God enjoy you, Martine? Not what you do." I had no idea. I said that I was God's child and creation and that He enjoyed me that way, but Jer said it was too general, cuz how does God enjoy me specificially? I then thought of the things I do for God, but that doesn't make sense cuz God doesn't love people more if they do more for Him. So I started to have an identity crisis where I realized that my self-concept comes from what I do. If I didn't have 2 jobs, 3 volunteer organizations, and 2 clubs, I wouldn't know who I am. And that was a problem.

I finally admitted to being a workaholic. I thought about work more than I thought about other people. When I thought about other people, half the time I was worried about what they thought of me. And I searched up "How do I know that I am a workaholic" and found that I actually was one. I am going to go to workaholics anonymous next month. They have a meeting downtown. Haha, I'm not so anonymous anymore.

I need to learn to be a no woman. You know the movie "Yes Man"? Well instead of learning to say yes to more opportunities, I have to say no. I have had this problem ever since grade 10, of wanting to do all the work myself and wanting things to go my way. I got so attached to my work that last week I cried my head off (lost a lot of brain cells, hence my memory is like a 60 year old) just because people wanted to take the work away from me so that they could help.

I want to thank Edwin for being so patient with me. Adrian was also there for me too.

Yeah, so I'm now the NO woman. I will only finish what I started and not try to take on more work shifts at the library. I need to train myself to rest. Doesn't make sense does it? well, if you are a workaholic you would know what I mean.

I hated my attitude. I hated how grumpy I was last week and how I cried more about my work than about Uncle Miguel passing away. I hated how I wasn't in tune with God anymore. I hated how I was so behind in schoolwork because I was doing other work. I hated the way I was. I hated myself.

Honestly, I thought about suicide briefly again the past few days but thank God that he cheered me up enough to not jump in front of a car. I know I need help. Tomorrow I'm going to the psychiatrist to see if I need another medication and Friday I'm seeing Juan my counselor. Cuz if I don't get enough help to heal, I will never be able to become a Pastor. And for a while the past few days I doubted my calling, I thought maybe I wasn't meant to be a pastor cuz I was so damn weak. And not just mentally weak but spiritually weak. I felt that I had absolutely no discipline, and I was ashamed of myself.

So right now I'm trying to get back to God slowly, through devos and such. Prayer is also important, I've been trying to pray more again. Life is so much more than money. Why didn't I follow my own advice?

I've been anxious again too. My friends notice that sometimes I am quiet and I zone out when they are trying to talk to me. They know something is wrong. I told people to pray for me... I might have bipolar disorder... I will find out tomorrow. My mom's coming with me to the psychiatrist. damn it's going to be frustrating.

I need a retreat. I need a retreat where I will be all by myself. Nothing to worry about, just thinking about God and seeing what He has to say. I miss Him, you know. I miss Him a lot. But when I try to hear him, my mind goes off in ten different directions and I cannot hear anymore. My anxiety and mood gets in the way. How the hell am I going to solve this problem?

Also, I've become a boy magnet. Not that I mean to, but a couple boys seem to like me more than a friend. it's dangerous. I want to be faithful to Adrian, but Satan likes to tempt me with these three things: money, boys, and pride. Those three are the biggest temptations for me I think. Worry is not a sin cuz it's part of my psychiatric disorder, I can't help it, but yeah.

I want to be faithful to God. But my memory fails me, I don't even remember what I sang to Him two days ago. dangit.

And I hate that song called "Will you love Jesus more?" now. It makes me sad and guilty.