I'm living in a box.

No, I didn't become homeless. But I feel like I'm living inside a box... I can only see what's going on inside my head. I only worry and pray about things that concern me. If I try to peek outside this box, I will realize that there is a family who just lost a mother. They need my prayers. If I reach beyond my box, I will see that Pakistan is flooded and needs prayers too. I will see that I have two friends who are going through very difficult struggles and they need my friendship.

I need to stop being obsessed by what I want. I need to stop thinking about my own family struggles. There's a lot of work that needs to be done. God has a job for me to do. I cannot forsake that. My job is not to dwell on my stupid obsessive emotions, it is to walk out of that stuffy box and do what I was meant for. Standing up for others, standing up for God.

Stop crouching in there, Martine, you don't belong in a box. The more you stay in the box, the more you will depress yourself.

Why are you so afraid, Martine? Why are you afraid of what people think of you? Don't you know your worth comes from God? Stand tall and remember that you are free. Remember that life is still worth living, and there's a beautiful world out there waiting for you to discover.

Who cares if you don't have privacy? Privacy is subjective. Let the world poke at you, let your family poke at you, it doesn't matter, cuz Jesus got poked by a spear for God's sake. He got no privacy, he didn't even have underwear on at the cross. And you're complaining about YOUR privacy, Martine?

Martine, the world is bigger than you and me (aka you). Start praying, start fighting. This war is not only in your head, it is in the spiritual world. You get up and put on the armor of God. Don't you dare look back. Don't you dare put your hand to the plow and look back, honey you gotta have the will to fight this year.

Be brave, Martine. Be strong. Your friends are there for you, what are you afraid of? Losing someone?

Yes, I'm afraid of losing someone. I already lost a lot of things this year. I lost my virginity, I lost my dignity, I lost my church family at ETCBC, I lost a lot of things. I lost my mind. I lost my job. I lost some friends. Thank God I still have some but it's hard. I lost my best friend Adrian and when I found a new best friend I lost him too. Well I haven't completely lost him but I lost the closeness and freedom we once had. I lost privacy. My parents can read this anytime, in fact my mom is right beside me right now and it stresses the hell out of me.

I lost my reputation at school. I know, shouldn't be that important right? Wrong. I had a good reputation, which led to being a good witness. Now, I am scared whenever I go into the Student Centre and see people I know. Yes, I live in paralysis, basically.

I wish I was as strong as you, Strong-Voice Martine. I wish honestly that I can just forget the past and move on. But they say that the past shapes who you are, good or bad. I think right now I'm just struggling to get the past to shape me into a better person. It's instead making me into a scared person. I'm scared to share things too. Because after sharing so much, people start to not believe you anymore. They see me for what happened, and they won't believe what I say.

when I say I think i've finally found the one now, they will not believe me. They don't believe me because i've already had 5 boyfriends, so this one won't be any different, is what they will believe.

This is what I mean when I say I regret. I wish I could say I don't regret, but I do.

They see how I used to be so pure, so innocent, and then they will look at what happened with Adrian and see that I was such a hypocrite. They will remember all those advice I gave them, and wonder why I didn't follow my own advice. dammit.

More than anything I need encouragement. I need people to tell me those advice I used to tell them. cuz when I talk to myself I just become crazy. I don't have the ability to encourage myself. The Bible helps but I often forget. So I need all of you, okay?

<3 Hold me now, touch me now, I don't want to live without you...